The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Last Post Continued…


Read the last post first…

As we’re both laying back watching ourselves play on the 42″, I say to him, “How would you like to watch yourself get head and get it at the same time?”. It didn’t take long before he was jumping up ready to watch and receive. Then, I laid down and lifted my heeled foot, “Work your way from heel to lips to mouth” and he enthusiastically began kissing my heels and rubbing the fabric of them against his face. He slid his hand in between the heel and my arch and gripped my foot as he kissed the area near the strap on my ankle. Gently lowering my leg to the bed, he slowly worked his way up my calf and behind my knee and sunk his teeth into my inner thighs.

He began licking playfully up to my clit, and as he began, on the screen behind him I was watching him eat me out. I grabbed his hands and pulled him up to me. I was ready for more. He lifted my legs, in our usual missionary fashion, and entered me slowly as I pushed the bows on the heels into his ass, pulling him closer and closer. My hands frantically searched his body, for what I have no idea. But my hands ran everywhere they could reach. His hands were in my hair, on my legs, around my throat. And his cock was forcefully spreading my pussy open and rubbing against my clit all at the same time. My breathing was as frantic as my hands were and as his hand worked their way up around my throat once again, he asked, “Are you going to cum on my cock, dirty whore!”.

The first time ever, after 4 years of begging for it, I finally got called a dirty whore. If I thought I was frantic before, at those two little words my body literally convulsed. Just hearing it, for the first time, from him sent me absolutely wild with rage. My hands were no longer on him, but around me on the bed as I tried to bring myself down a little bit. I needed to be able to focus on the sex and in that moment all I could think was, “Did he really just call me a dirty whore?!?!?”. I was in ecstasy, but still not cumming. I asked if I could roll over while he fucked me from behind and he responded, “Only if you’re going to be a good girl and cum on my cock” to which I promised that I would try.

I flipped over and he was immediately back inside of me and the way he felt was out of this world good. I reached up behind me and grabbed at his hips and lifted mine to give him more room. He gathered my hair in his hands and pulled my head back hard, as his other hand grabbed my hips to slam them back into him. I lifted both my feet of the bed and he pushed my head into my pillow and grabbed my heels to pull up around his ass and over the back of his thighs. He let me grind him like that, before using my heels to thrust himself deeper and deeper into me, until I felt like I could feel him all over my body. He called me a dirty whore again and I was sure my skin would burn him if he touched me.

He was sweating profusely by this point and the house was so incredibly hot, I thought after the hour of being in charge (for the most part) of the thrusting that he might want a break. Ever the considerate girlfriend, I offered to climb on top and he was more than pleased that I had offered. He laid down and plumped the pillows around him, while I tried to get on top of him without poking him with a heel. It took a few seconds to get everything in place, as I was incredibly wet by this point, so things just slipped and slid around.

The goal and mission was purely for me to cum. I sat deep on his cock and reached my hands between my legs to begin playing with my clit. At first, I stayed leaning forward so he could continue some of his rocking, before sinking until he could no longer rock. I sat up and flicked my nipple with my tongue as I circled myself on his cock and my fingers. I could tell he was going soft, and not because of lack of interest but because of pure exhaustion, so I concentrated extra hard on my orgasm and within moments was cumming hard on him. I lifted off of him just a little bit, so that he could get his thrust on, and thrust he did. Hard and very fast, until moments later when he was cumming hard himself.

We both collapsed, covered in sweat and both wet between the legs. It was almost impossible for him to keep his eyes open by this point, and as soon as the video of us had been turned off, we both fell absolutely to sleep. There was nothing that could’ve woken us from that slumber at all. Pure and blissful delight!!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Sexy Dancing and Hopeful Conversations


So, I think the way to get what I want, sexually speaking, from this relationship is to wear heels. A few nights back, The Boyfriend had mentioned that one day he would like to have sex with me wearing nothing but high heels. Isn’t it nice that days after he mentions a new-found fantasy, I gladly and willingly give it to him?!? Anyways, not the point!

It’s been really hot here, so before the night even got started, I hopped in for a nice cold shower. Then, I slid my heels on and we went out on the deck for a smoke. He’s also mentioned a desire to fuck me on the balcony, but that’s one that I’m a little bit more nervous about. We are literally surrounded by other people and I’m sure one glance out of their balcony doors would give them a nice little show. And while that’s part of the thrill of the whole thing, I’m just not there yet. However, we did tease each other more than a bit on the balcony, giving us the perfect start to a fun-filled evening.

When you get to the edge of my living room, there is a divider wall and then the stairs. This divider wall has a post about 5 or 6 inches across that goes right up to the ceiling. I had never realized before last night, but it makes a pretty decent little area to lean up against while he plays from behind. So in my high heels and at this point, nothing but a short housecoat, I instructed him to put on a playlist entitled “sex” and began gently swaying my hips as I bent over and against this post.

As the likes of Rabba Shanks, Barry Manilow, Salt N’ Pepa and Bubba Sparxxx (not a playlist I made, so don’t knock the choices!) flooded the speakers, he came up behind me. Resting his hands on my hips, and pushing himself up against, but not inside of me, he let me continue to curve my hips this way and that and I would even like to believe he was doing a little bit of it himself. I think my wetness took him by surprise, as much as it had taken me the same way.

Gently at first, he thrust himself into me and I continued to grind. He collected my hair in his hands and pulled my head back, causing my whole body to sit into his cock. My legs shook, completely unused to these high heels I was wearing. It’s been a good long while since I’ve even had them on, so I had to keep telling myself, “Just pretend you’re standing on your tip toes!” and I was delighted when this worked, for the most part. Hard, deep and totally sexy thrusting went on for a few minutes, until my calves were on fire from these heels. They’re only about 3 or 4 inches, I think… You’ve probably seen them before. I don’t think I’ve ever worn them for as long as I wore them last night!

I turned around on him and he attempted to raise one leg and enter me up against this post still. Before he even got my leg halfway up, I quickly said no. I was not about to even think about falling down the stairs, which I mean, wouldn’t have been all that easy, but it could’ve happened! He tried saying he had “got me”, but I was not having any of that. I straightened my housecoat out and walked away, instructing him to get our bed ready.

We recently got a webcam and we’ve been making quite a few different videos. It started as my suggestion, the overall record-sex-with-webcam idea. But I wasn’t about to be the one to say, “Wanna turn on the cam tonight?” first, so it was a huge relief when he said it first. I think we’re up to 5 or 6, and chances are you will never see any of them 😉 Again, not the point!

He had promised me earlier in the week that tonight we would watch over all the videos we had made. I had already seen them all but he hadn’t seen any yet. The night before last, we had the camera rolling for our 4th successful go at anal and that was, of course, the video that he wanted to see first. It was already really late by this point, as the previous teasing had probably gone on for over 2 hours! So, The Boyfriend was pretty tired and it was rather visible, but he patiently sat watching fighting the urge to close his eyes and it ended up being much more fun than I had expected it to be.

As we watched and were both taken aback by how quickly the anal happened, even though we felt like it had gone on for so long, The Boyfriend began talking about how proud he was that I did so well. A few good girls got mentioned, causing me to shiver with joy every single time. Then, he said, “We should get you a sticker chart…”, to which my body completely stiffened as I anticipated the words that escaped his lips moments later, “… And we could track how many times in a period of time that we successfully have anal. Then, if you get that certain number of stickers, you could get a spanking.” I was literally speechless!!

Imagine my absolute delight when he said all this. I told him that what he just described incorporates so much of what I want. Rewards for good (sexual) deeds, anal training and impact play. And all I have to do is have anal every once and awhile. Sounds like a good freaking deal to me! Who knows if it will ever go past that conversation – knowing him it won’t – but for now, I’m just going to live vicariously through that conversation. And now, we’re back at the video…

TO BE CONTINUED ….

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Distant Memories


 

This is just a straight up sad post…

The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:

“Don’t Push It!”

Seriously?!? Don’t push it!

Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.

I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.

And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!

Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.

I call bullshit…

If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).

When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.

And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?

I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.

Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost? 

To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.

Sidenote:

I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect. 

This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.

And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.

And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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What I’ve Been Looking At…


Last night, I decided to do a search for an adult-type comic strip and was pretty happy to find a few. The one that I’m obsessed with right now is Collar 6, a self-described BDSM soap opera. It all starts with a feud between two mistresses, Butterfly and Sixx:

Then the two woman challenge each other to a not-so-friendly BDSM challenge:

Mistress Sixx begins training her new personal slave Laura for the big event:

And we even get a very important lesson on safewords:

I’m still reading through this one, and I’ll be keeping you posted on what I find on the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr Blog. If you know of any great adult comic strips (not hentai or porn comics, but ones similar to Collar 6), I’d love to hear about them. And if you like Collar 6, let me know about that too and let’s discuss our favorite episodes!!