The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Short and Bitter


I am down and out again today. There are about a mazillion and one reasons why that could possibly so and yet, none of those things are even on my mind right now. Like, for instance, I went in to work yesterday morning and got called into the head bosses office. Two minutes later, I was walking right back out of the office as I had just been “dismissed”.

Not completely a shock or bother – especially being that I’ve been talking for weeks about looking for a different job, but still…

And yet, that’s not bothering me nearly as much as I would expect it to. It probably will shortly, but honestly, I’m kind of happy it happened. For a few reasons, such as:

  1. I wasn’t happy at the job anyways, so now I don’t have to be unhappy about it
  2. I was talking about leaving anyways, so now they’ve just made it that much easier
  3. I wanted to look for a new job, so now I can without having any other worries (outside of the typical job-hunting worries)
  4. I can spend a little time focusing on getting my house in order, which is so desperately needed it’s not even funny

I’m stressed about the money end of things, but I know that The Boyfriend and I will make it work, because that’s what we’ve always done. And we’ve lived on FAR less. So, all in all, in the long run, I’m not that upset about being “dismissed”. And yet, for some reason, I feel incredibly sad and I’m getting sick and tired of this happening so often lately.

I’ll be fine for a few days. No problems whatseover. Then out of nowhere, I’ll have a day or a couple days of this overwhelming sadness that makes me want to lay in bed all day. I don’t want to do anything or think about anything or make decisions or move. I just want to lay there, lifelessly.

Today is being one of those days. Yesterday, after I got fired, I came home and was fine. I spent the day working online, I watched the rest of the L Word (and can I just say, I freaking HATED the Season 6 finale! Who killed Jenny Schecter?!?) and The Boyfriend and I had some amazing quickie sex. Then I wake up this morning and at first, I thought I was fine. I even walked to the store to get morning coffees, which never happens! Like a bat out of nowhere, this sadness hit right before lunchtime and I’ve been spending the last 3 hours doing everything I can think of to make it stop and go away.

And I just want to know, how long is it going to last this time…?


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Better Feeling Day


I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. First, I got to sleep in a little bit this morning, even though the kids were up shortly after The Boyfriend went to work. But they were relatively good and just watched TV for the most part. When I woke up, I was not in a pissy mood like I have been lately when I’m waking up. Normally, until I get at least a few smokes in me, I’m just overly grumpy, but this morning I seemed to be fine.

The kids and I watched some TV together and then I did a load of dishes before making them lunch. And I was really glad to have gotten that load of dishes out of the way, because now the kitchen is back to half decent and I feel so much better about it. After The Boyfriend got home, I told him he had to take all the garbage out, including the huge pile of pizza boxes that had been piling up. Boy does it ever feel good to get that garbage out of here and two more loads of dishes got done, so now I’m down to one more big bowl to clean and some silverware and then dishes will be done!

The kids were also better today than they’ve been in quite a long time and I felt like we had some really cute moments together, like when Kenzie was trying to spell The Boyfriend’s name or when Kaeidyn was explaining email spam to the boys. The boys also fought way less roughly than they have been lately today, so that made the day that much easier to do, being that no one was crying or bleeding or anything like that.

The Boyfriend’s also been really attentive to this funk that I’ve been in, even though when I’m really deep in it, I hate it and resent him for it – or something like that. I felt angry at him a lot over these last few days, and today, being woken up this morning to kisses before he left for work, just made me realize that I really do love him so much and that he has really been amazing during this whole thing, even if I couldn’t see it or recognize it while it was happening. He’s still not perfect but being that this is probably the first funk that I’ve had in quite a long while, he did a really great job and I thank him for that.

I’ve gotten quite a bit done today on the computer, including writing a few more chapters of The Brighton Tales, though you probably won’t see those for a little bit yet. I’m always amazed with this story how far off it is from anything I’ve ever actually fantasized about, but how much it turns me on when I read it. And I have to say that for a woman whose never had much experience with gay sex, I write it pretty darn good, but that’s just my two cents worth. But I’m very impressed that I finally wrote more, since it’s been on my To Do List for so freaking long!

Other than that, my day has been mostly boring, but good nonetheless. How was your day?


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Reflections on a Year and Looking Into the Future


This year started off worse than it finished, and it’s had a wide range of ups and downs. I failed almost every single goal that I had set out to do in 2011. I didn’t blog more this year, I didn’t keep up with adding YouTube videos, I didn’t lose 30 pounds, I didn’t get my house or life clean or organized… In that respect, it was an epic fail.

But, I did catch up on all my bills, I did get my hot water turned back on, I did get my Mom paid for babysitting the kids and I got a raise at work. So for all the epic failure of this year, there has also been some really great accomplishments. This year has been one of great transitions and learning. Learning about what I want, who I am, what I expect and where I want to be.

Both The Boyfriend and I have had some big changes go on at work this year, which we’re still trying to decide if they’re for the best or the worst. I guess we’ll see what 2012 brings. For me, I changed offices, got a new boss, got a ton more responsiblity and started working longer hours. For The Boyfriend, he got a really big promotion with a significant raise, he’s had to adjust to a new boss, new responsibility and a schedule that is all over the place. It’s been interesting to say the least and I think we’re both looking forward to and dreading the new career possibilities.

Now, it’s 2012 and I want this year to be a great year from start to end. I want to complete all my goals, I want to get our lives organized and on track to some sort of destination, and I want us all to be happy. I have very high hopes that this year is our year. And also that the world doesn’t come to an end *crosses fingers*!

This year, unlike last year, I plan to seriously focus on losing some weight, becoming more healthy, and getting my house organized. Those are the top three goals. So, let’s talk about how I plan to achieve these goals.

  1. Wake Up Earlier

    There is no reason at all that I can’t wake up when The Boyfriend gets out of bed. If he can get up at 6:00 AM, then there is no excuse for me not getting up at that time too. It’s only an hour and a little bit before it’s my normal wake up time, and it would be a lot nicer to get out of bed and not have to rush around to get the 4 kids and I ready to leave the house.

    Waking up at 6 will also give me the additional time that if I want to add a workout in the morning, it wouldn’t be impossible. It would be really nice to go back to doing morning workouts like I did before my first boyfriend. It would also give me the time to make a healthy breakfast every morning, which brings us to…

  2. Eat Breakfast Every Day

    By far, this has got to be one of the hardest things in the world for me, next to drinking water… I have never really been a breakfast-type person. I normally don’t get hungry until right around 11:00 AM. But this needs to change for a variety of reasons. First of all, from a metabolic stand point, if I don’t eat breakfast, my body is just going to continue doing what it’s been doing since I had Carter. I’m not going to lose any weight by starving my body – even if I am doing it on an unconscious level! Even if it’s just a Pop-Tart or Nutrigrain bar as I’m walking out the door, any food is better than none.

  3. Drink More Water

    Currently, I hardly drink anything other than Sprite and coffee. I’ve tried adding water to my beverage list many times and normally fail miserably. I’ve never liked the taste of water and it gives me an icky feeling in my stomach. But, I’m almost sure that my body is full of all sorts of miserable toxins. The water will be good for ridding me of some of those. Also, it’s good for me on a whole, everyone says so. I don’t think it should be so hard to add more water. Which takes us to the first “cut back”…

  4. Cut Back on Sprite

    I really drink WAY too much Sprite. A 2L a day of pop isn’t healthy for anyone! It should be more of a treat than an everyday, multiple times a day occurrence.  I need to get over my addiction for pops in general. Before Sprite, it was Pepsi and that was for almost 7 years straight. Sprite’s only been about 3. That’s 10 years of my life that my biggest beverage consumption has been pop. It’s gross when you think about it…

    Last but not least:

  5. Clean Daily!

    I seriously don’t know why this one has been so hard for me to keep up with. It seems like every year, and every six months, and every 3 months, and everyday, I make this goal. I tell myself that I’m going to clean the next day, and when I don’t clean the next day, I promise myself the day after that, and it’s this never-ending vicious circle. I am happy to say that I’ve had ENOUGH!!

    My biggest goal of 2012, the number one thing that I want to accomplish, is getting my house to a state where I’m not embarrassed to have people over, and I’m not disgusted the second I walk in the door, and that I’m not stressing all day everyday about the messes of the house. I want my house clean and I want it organized.

    I know that this goal is probably going to take the longest and it’s going to be harder than losing 30 pounds. It means big changes for me, The Boyfriend and the kids and a lot of time teaching those changes to everyone. It’s going to be a big challenge, but it needs to be done. I’m sick of spending half of my morning searching for things that could easily be found if we just had a dedicated place to put it, and I’m sick of my floor being used a garbage can. I’m tired of cleaning things one day just to have them be right back where they were before I started cleaning. I’m just plain done with these messes.

    We have a few ideas of how we’re going to do this, though we’ll see how they work out. My first mission is to get the upstairs of the house clean and keep it that way. I want the dishes to be done every single day, the living room floor to be vacuumed every single night and all the garbage collected up and taken out – without fail – every day. No more procrastination, no more excuses. It gets done or this Mommy will be very angry!

There are many more goals, which I’m sure I’ll be posting over the next day or two. I know that the list is large where goals are concerned, but these 5 are a great place to start with. Have you set any goals for 2012? What are you hoping to achieve this year?


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Clean Living!


No one can guilt me into something as much as myself. It took a full day of laziness mixed with minor self-pity, but I finally got some cleaning done. I have been beating myself up over it for a couple days now. Last week sometime, we started cleaning and ended up getting nothing that we had originally set out to do done…

Sure, walls were washed, windows were cleaned, movies were cleaned up and the bookshelf was organized. But the couch wasn’t tidied, the floor was only briefly vacuumed and the TV and stand hadn’t seen a clean cloth. Clothes were still everywhere. Things had been done, but not done in a way that was even slightly satisfactory.

So today, after spending two hours procrastinating waking up, I got up off my butt and the kids and I started to clean. It was very slow going at first and almost nothing was getting done. I felt like I was working really hard and making no progress. I decided it was time to go to the store and get treats for any kids who helped me finish cleaning. It was good to take that mid-way walk and get some fresh air. Gave me a jolt of energy that was a little unexpected.

The walk to the store was the best! Normally when I take all four of the kids to the store, it’s hard to kind of tame them. They get away from me easily because I’m distracted by what I’m there to get. But I guess they really wanted their treats, so Keirnan and Carter went int the tandem stroller and Kaeidyn and Kenzie walked. They walked beside the stroller the entire time, and the only point which they even got talked to in a disciplinary manner is when they asked if they’re treat could be ice cream and I asked if they wanted the sundaes that we like so much, and they all ran over to the freezer and opened it up while I was at the other end of the store getting my pop. Luckily, I was in a good mood, so it hardly phased me.

I came back home and a crazy amount of cleaning got done. I’m only now, now that I’m in pain, noticing how much got done. It’s so clean that I have 9 candles lit right now and none of them are causing a potential fire hazard. It’s beautiful! Every time I get this house clean like this, it reminds me so much of when I very first moved into this house.

I didn’t have very much when we moved in here. We had been living in a hotel for a month and a little bit, so all we really had was clothes and some food. Then I eventually got a couch and my hope chest and a boombox. Then we added a TV and bookshelf and then… you get it. Eventually so much stuff got added. So much so that it’s impossible to keep the house clean. I realize that and it makes me think back to those simpler times, when my daily cleaning took five seconds because there wasn’t much to organize, and now I spend six and a half hours doing nothing but organizing before any actual cleaning can commence.

My mom says that she fears I’m going to turn into a hoarder. My problem isn’t that I have problems getting rid of things. My problem is that I’m too lazy to. Something I seriously gotta figure out a way to overcome. Because this is just getting ridiculous now, and I’m sure that my laziness is contributing a lot to my body pains. But this is not the point…

The point is that my living room is clean, my dishes are almost completely done and I had a good day! Now I plan to enjoy my delicious perogie and stewing meat dinner!