The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Venty McVenterson


These last few days are just dragging on and on and seem to be going at such a slow pace that I can feel myself aging. I don’t even know where to begin to be completely honest.

On Friday, I got woken up to banging on the door. I ignored it at first, but it was just being relentless. When I did finally get up to check on it, it was Child Services again. Someone at the school called on us about a variety of things that were not based in fact at all. I spent all of Friday crying about it and I was just in a really bad way about this particular call. Kaeidyn had been talking to her counselor and apparently something she said during one of their meetings was essentially part of the report and so Kaeidyn felt like it was her fault they got called on us this time.

On top of my own crappy emotions about this whole thing, I also had to reassure my 8-year-old that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she wasn’t going to get taken away because of it. Needless to say, I’m worried out of my mind about that little girl. She trusted this counselor and now I’m worried that that trust is going to be gone and she’s going to have no one to talk to about all of the frightened and scared feelings she has – because she’s still dealing with the trauma of the break in. So now, on top of the stress of having to prove my worth as a perfectly decent parent, I have to stress about finding her a new counselor and one that she might be able to trust and it feels like I’m going to break any minute…

So, we spent the next few days cleaning and getting ready for Child Services to come back to the house. All in all, this went really well. The Boyfriend and I are finally not sleeping in the living room, but moved our bed up to a room. I also went on a Kijiji hunt for couches and ended up scoring a 3-seater couch with 2 recliners and a love seat recliner. Our living room finally looks like a living room and not a teenagers messy bedroom. We’ve all really been enjoying it and The Boyfriend especially likes how much closer he can sit to the TV and comfortably on top of it!

Alfie also called, after over two months of no contact whatsoever. He was coming into town. So now, he’s been over here and while he had originally come up with some lame excuse as to his lack of presence, he eventually came around to the truth of the matter. Apparently he’s been getting in some trouble and had to deal with that. I’ve had to deal with my feelings surrounding him a lot these last few days. The Mommy in me is having a very volatile argument with herself about this guy in my kids life. A really big part of the mommy in me doesn’t want him having anything to do with my kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that under no circumstances will he be allowed to be alone with the kids anytime soon. Another job lost, another friendship destroyed, another stint with the police involved and really, it’s too much for my heart and head to handle. He’s just such a big disappointment… But the other part of the mommy in me thinks, “He’s their Dad”… Even though you’d never know it!

Things between my Mom and I have also been tense, which is not giving me any rest. I mean, really, they’re still wonderful and we’re talking just as much as we ever did. But I keep turning to her, thinking she’s my support and she should be supporting me, but for some reason, I’m not getting the support I feel like I need from her. Instead, I’m getting a lot of lectures and suggestions and opinions about all the things I’m doing wrong and there is absolutely no focus on what I’m doing right – unless it’s an afterthought because my feathers are ruffling. I even snapped at her the other day that I don’t come to her to hear what I can hear from the government, I come to her to hear that they’re wrong – especially when that’s the truth! It would be different if I was doing so much wrong, but I’m not. They didn’t even know about the dirty house until they got here and even then, the only comment made was about the floor in the kitchen which hadn’t been mopped in two days.

I wrote my first song in years the other day. It was interesting and I forgot how good that feels and how much I enjoy doing it. I don’t know what I’m going to call this song or how it’s going to sound once I add an instrument to the mix, but I had great fun writing it and it was an incredible release for me. I felt like I said all that I needed to say in 2 verses, a bridge and a chorus. It’s beautiful when that happens and it felt really nice.

Tomorrow, we go for program again. The Boyfriend is looking forward to it because he’s been incredibly stressed out about this last Child Services case, even though our file has been closed now. He’s taking this one personally, even though I’m not exactly sure why. I think he’s just reached his breaking limit as well. Needless to say, he’s looking forward to getting it all off his chest, because he hasn’t really yet. Is it terrible that I’m almost excited to see what he goes in there with? I mean, obviously we’ve talked and I’ve heard what he has to say, but he’s just so much more theatrical when it’s not just me and him, and I enjoy seeing that side of him, but I especially enjoy that it’s the only time that you can really tell that he’s as complex as he likes to say he is 😉

Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I’ll think of something else later. I’ll add the song lyrics eventually too. Now, it’s time to listen to tunes and veg  until the older kids get home. Thanks for reading!


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Feeling So I Don’t Know…


I woke up this morning, feeling pretty darn good. It was relatively easy to get up before noon (seems like it’s always easier when The Boyfriend is home from work), I spent the first few hours playing a new game that The Boyfriend got for the computer – Star Trek Online and let me say one thing, addictive!! After spending too many hours on it last night, the first thing I wanted to do today was play it again.

Then, after playing for a couple hours today, I got up and did some dishes and light cleaning, which made me feel really great. I’ve done a load of dishes every single day this week and I feel mighty good about it. I even discovered that I can have Grooveshark playing on my BlackBerry, so even had tunes playing out in the kitchen while the kids quietly sat and watched SpongeBob. It was wonderful.

Out of nowhere, I start feeling annoyed and frustrated. The kids are all being relatively decent. Sure, there’s always points of this kid being more frustrating at this time than any other, but for the most part, it was all manageable and fine. Kaeidyn and I started watching a movie together, the boys were doing their thing and yet, I just could not shake this annoyed and frustrated feeling.

I figured watching a couple movies would get me over it, but if anything, it seems like it’s just made it worse. The Boyfriend suggested I try the computer and see if that brightens my mood any, so, here we sit…

I can’t figure out, for the life of me, why I feel so frustrated and annoyed right now. I’m accomplishing tons, I’m really enjoying this time off from dealing with school stuff, The Boyfriend and I are starting to get interested in each other’s stuff again (we go in and out of enjoying one another’s hobbies), so we’re talking lots and generally having a lot of fun with each other. Money’s a little tight, but we expected that coming into January (like it goes every year), so it’s not like we’re stressing about anything at this point. And even with all those positive little factoids staring right at me, in type and everything, I just can’t stop these all-consuming feelings.

I start blogging everyday on the 1st. I’m incredibly excited about it and also a little nervous. Maybe that’s part of what’s got my goat, who knows. I’m mostly nervous about it because I’ve gotten more and more likely to stop writing a post right in the middle when I start thinking that it sucks and then never returning to it to make it better. My drafts folder is literally boggled down with posts that are 5 or 6 sentences long, that I just leave there…

But I miss feeling that creativity and inspiration that I feel when I write on a regular basis. When I had a paper and pen journal, I had no problem checking in on it multiple times a day with numerous little writings here and there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t care if it was only 6 sentences long and sucked, so maybe I’ll just adopt that for this challenge. We’ll see how it goes…

I’m also probably feeling a little bit stressed because of my brother, who is yet again, crazy. I mean, there’s really no other way to put it. He was doing so darn good, then this roommate moved in and now all hell has broken loose. My Mom has said she’s done, and I can’t blame her at all. But now that she’s gotten mad at him so many times (and he’s too scared to go over there, just like he’s too scared to go back to his own house), he just comes over here all the time. And even though Mom and I set up a different place for him to stay, with more people who he likes, he still insists on spending what seems like every second of his spare time here.

It’s tough because you can only ask so many times for him to stop talking to himself or so many times for him to stop leaving random crap that he finds all over the house, before you just start feeling an immense amount of anger. It just feels like he has absolutely no respect. And I know that’s not really what it’s like but sometimes it’s hard to forget about your feelings and feel compassion. But it’s also hard to feel any compassion towards a person when they could be doing something to get help (for a problem they are aware that they have nonetheless), and are downright refusing to do so. And I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t get help…

So, that’s where I’m at. Still feeling the same way I did before I started to right this. Hopefully cuddles with The Boyfriend tonight will help 😉


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Boggled Down


It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?


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Ramblings…


Today has been an overwhelming and stressful day. It started when I woke up this morning. I had forgotten that I didn’t work until after noon today because Kaeidyn had her assembly, so when the alarm went off, I was sure that it was going to be another morning of rushing around to get everyone ready to go. I come running up the stairs, sure that I’m going to be pressed for time, when I realized that today wasn’t the day.

Then, I went into work late today because Kaeidyn had this big year-end assembly that she really wanted me to go to. It was a lot of fun, though I think I’ve decided that they boys need to stay home on days like that. The principal ended up asking me to take Carter outside because he was being too loud. Luckily my Mom was there, so she took Carter outside so that I could enjoy the rest of the assembly. And I did. She was very cute and I love listening to her sing.

I’m so much like my Mom that way. I always hated it growing up. But the second any of the kids starts to sing, I automatically tear up. I just always find it to be so adorable and it makes my heart feel good. I played guitar and sang during all of my pregnancies, and when they were babies, I would play guitar and let them sit with me. It means a lot to me that they are musical, just like their Mom.

Then I went into work, and it was just crazy busy. Not because it actually is crazy busy, but because we’re currently short on cleaners and when that happens, it feels like it’s hectic and like everything is a huge rush. The good thing is, I’m pretty good at prioritizing and keeping level-headed AT WORK – because I suck at it at home…

The biggest part of my stresses today is talking to my Mom. She tends to be my continual reality slap to the face. And while that’s one of the biggest things that I appreciate about her, in the moment of the slap, it’s hard for me to remember that I really appreciate it and instead it just brings me down. It doesn’t help that at the time I see it as her adding more things to my already full plate. I know she does it for my own good, and like she said today, I’ve “had to go through worse”, it just sucks.

I have so much to do, and so little desire/time to do it with/in, and it just feels like it’s way more than it actually is. I hate how the household and family stress -things like finances, discipline, school, babysitters, cleaning, things that need to be bought – tend to build up over a few weeks and you feel like you can handle it because you have time. Then it gets to the day when you feel like it’s overwhelming and all that building up hits like a ton of bricks. And it makes that one bad day carry on over multiple days and just as you feel like everything is back on track and “normal” again, it starts to build up again. It makes it more exhausting than anything. I have no idea if any of that made any sense…

I have a ton of phone calls to make. Originally I was supposed to make them tomorrow, but I’m probably going to have to work all day tomorrow, so I’ll have to make them on Monday. It’s not even really a ton, it just feels that way because it’s things I don’t want to deal with. That I have a lot of anger about having to deal with it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and Alfie, because things aren’t so good in that department. I don’t want to go into full out details, because I’m still trying to figure out what parts of it are my true feelings and which ones are the parts that are leftover hurt and anger. It’s extremely complicated and even harder to explain. I’m still in, what I’m sure is called, the healing process. And it’s a horrible time for me to have to make important decisions regarding my kids and their Dad. Because it’s just a mixture of all types of negative emotions that I’m still working on coming to terms with. I don’t want to be the type of parent who lets my own emotions negatively impact my kids relationship with their other parent. I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or no he’s a good Dad and whether or not he’s worthy of them. But they are not old enough for that. They are still learning what is right and wrong, and unfortunately I’m still trying to define that for myself and therefore, for them.

It’s such a complicated thing. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there… Like I said, it’s been an overwhelming and stressful day. I am so lucky to have The Boyfriend though, and I’ve really been shown that this past week. Today was absolutely the best, because he knew that I was beyond stressed almost the minute I walked through the door and he sat there so nicely and just listened to me ramble on and on about all the stress. When I was done, he offered his two cents and let me ramble on and on about his two cents and he was so calm and patient and understanding. I’m just really lucky to have a guy that listens to me.

During my stressed-out-rant, I kept saying, “I wish I could just figure out one thing that was a good de-stressor” and after venting to him, I realized he is my de-stressor. He just makes me feel good and I’ve never felt like I needed to question whether he loved me or not, and that’s a very powerful thing for me. I just really love that guy!

So, how has your week been? Any big stressors on your end? How have you dealt with your stress? Did you try any new stress techniques recently? Let’s do a poll about stress, shall we?