The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Glad to Get On Here

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I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.

So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.

Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).

Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.

And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… :(), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…

But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.

Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:

After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…

So, it started bright and early this morning. Why was it bright? Well, new snow had fallen overnight and right across the street from our house is a little hill that was freshly blanketed with snow. Behind our house, shone the sun, bright as it does at the end of the Winter when Spring is desperately waiting in the background for it’s turn. Basically, that hill acted as a giant reflector plate, beaming a white lighted sun into our rather larger front window. My eyes were burning…

Why were they burning? Well, as I said before, it was early in the morning. I had just woken up and unfortunately, today was one of the few days where I woke up and immediately my day had to get going. And not had to get going an hour before lunchtime, but had to get going before 9 AM. Today was yet another appointment with what I’m going to dub “program” (since I’ve talked about it here before). Last night, I went to bed thinking that it would all be good, because The Boyfriend was coming along for program and I wasn’t going to be alone, maybe I’d be less defensive. But I woke up this morning, exhausted and just not feeling going to this thing at all. It was making me downright bitchy.

But when a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, she pulls up her big girl panties and just does it. It was a struggle, like you wouldn’t believe, but I did it! Again last night, we had intended to get the kids to help us clean up the mess of papers that they had made in the living room during the day but when it came to bedtime, as it usually is, it didn’t go as we had intended and ended up not getting done. My Mom had decided that she was watching the kids here for us today instead of at her house, so we had to ensure that the living room floor was at least half decent. Since we ended up not getting it done last night, we woke up with enough time to ensure that we had it done. Cleaning first thing in the morning was also not the right way to start off the day…

Then, it was actually time for program. I was not in the mood and I’m sure by the end of it, it was written all over my face. It wasn’t necessarily a bad session, on the contrary. As I’ve also said before, I don’t hate these things for the most part. What I am discovering that I hate is how much the past is brought up (and I have a pretty strict policy about avoiding living in it – for reasons I’ve most likely explained somewhere before… – though if you’d like to hear that story, please let me know in the comments) and I hate how much I am talking in these things. Not the actual fact that I’m talking, but the things that I’m talking about.

When it comes to being a parent, I can list off for you every single thing that needs to change for me to be a better parent. As our program worker already knows, I am incredibly self-aware and as she likes to repeat over and over again, “insightful”. Even more than this, I have read a tidy sum of parenting books, blogs and even attended multiple parenting programs as part of my initiative to ensure that Alfie never gets custody of the kids because of my past mental health issues. I have also been institutionalized and therapized the heck of out of and shown the error of every one of my ways. I spend time learning about all the ways you can be a better parent.

But… I am just not that kind of parent.

I’ve learnt to accept it, The Boyfriend has learnt to accept it and I will even go so far as to say, the kids have learnt to accept it. Yes, it’s not a perfect system, I wouldn’t even say that it’s a good system. But we are all aware of it and we all make it work the best way we know how to. I have a hard time sitting through these things, when I know that what we’ve got right now is probably how it’s always going to stay, regardless of all the strategies and plans and charts we do up – and I know that this is the completely wrong way of looking at it, but I am stubborn like that…

We filled out questionnaires, both The Boyfriend and I, separately. I swear to you that this is the only part of any of these things that I enjoy, don’t ask me why, but it’s true. But once we got into the actual talking and based on my talking and my past, this is the 4th time in the last couple of weeks that I’ve heard from people who barely even know me that I should seek out counselling. I am under the solid opinion that right now I don’t really need it. I had that little bout with utter sadness for that while there, but for the most part that’s boredom finally getting too boring. But, as I stated previously, I am pretty self-aware. Every single time that I’ve ever before experienced depression, as I’m sure would be true even now, I’ve sought out help. How do you think I ended up getting diagnosed in the first place –  all the suicide attempts (I say that very dramatically, but only one of them I was fully aware of and there were only two…) and self-mutilation came AFTER I had already been seeing counselors and AFTER I had already begun taking the prescribed medication (only applicable in the first case). If I were experiencing depression or anxiety to a point where I felt I needed help, as I have proven in the past, I will seek it out!

On top of all that, if it were that bad that I needed it, than maybe someone in close proximity to my person on a regular basis would agree and the only person who agrees is my Mom and that is simply because my Mom always thinks that I could use seeing a counselor  because in her opinion I have no one to talk to and a counselor would give me a person to talk to. While this is partially true, when it comes to relationships, the best and strongest one that I have is with The Boyfriend. So, when I have a problem or I have something that needs to be counselled, I turn to him and I believe he does the same with me. And together, we figure that shit out! I, We, just don’t feel that I need counselling. I need a whole host of other things, but counselling isn’t one of them. So needless to say, when this gets brought up in program (which it has ever since our first visit with Child services – all due to my past issues with clinical depression), I get defensive. I don’t outwardly show it, because that’s just not how I deal with that feeling anymore, but I feel defensive.

Now that’s it’s been so long without a serious argument (because The Boyfriend and I don’t have those – sometimes I really wish we did, but he doesn’t like confrontation and now that I’ve been away from it so long, neither do I – and this is excluding any arguments with the kids, because those are different), I don’t do well with feeling things like anger, true jealousy, defensiveness, “I’m-Always-Right” kind of attitudes and I especially don’t do well with feelings that make feel less than… Than what, I’m not sure, but less than it. So these type of feelings result in a sudden release of exhaustion, like a bolt of lightning through my body, I just immediately feel tired.

We went and picked up a couple grocery items and the whole way I could not stop complaining about how tired I felt, how much I couldn’t wait to be home, wah wah wah. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely hate it when I whine…? I know it wouldn’t seem it, because I do it all the time here, but it’s different in real-time. So, we came home and I felt just a general sense of not-happiness. Kenzie was in tears because him and Grandma didn’t have such a great time together, Kaeidyn (as usual) was incredibly talkative and Carter was being his noisy little self.

And the rest of the story, you already know… Can you understand why I was happy to get on the computer?!?

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of six ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the creator of WTMFI Wednesdays, a weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality.

One thought on “Glad to Get On Here

  1. I totally understand where you’re coming from, my soon to be ex-husband just finished his final class for his Master’s in Therapy, on Tuesday. I used to talk to him and take his advice, but over the past four years he’s turned into a self -centered ass.

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