The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

1 Comment

Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 1

I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…

One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.

Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.

We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…

She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.

So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.

And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.

So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.

However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.

This next bit may get sexual, so click through to read it if you’re interested…

1 Comment

Wedding Fever

It must be the age or something. You know how some women go through “baby fever”, while I think I have a case of “wedding fever”. A couple weeks back, while visiting my Mom, I was watching My Teen Wedding, which I just thought was truly craptastic. First of all, if you’re legally allowed to buy you’re own booze, you’re no longer a teenager. If you can be committed of a crime to the fullest extent of the law and no longer can you be tried as a minor, you’re a freaking adult! So, the title of the show alone is deceptive. They should just call it “Young Dumb People Getting Married!”. Anyways, so not the point 😉

But while watching this show, I was apparently very angry about not being married already. I was snapping at the TV, telling the room that there was no way I was going to be a 30-year-old bride and being generally negative and bitchy towards this TV show. And as the weeks have passed, the whole being married, wedding thing has been on my mind alot. Though I didn’t really realize it until yesterday when I was on Pinterest, and found all these awesome pins for wedding ideas. And as I saved them to my board, “Not Getting Married, But If I Did…“, I started to notice that I was seriously picturing a wedding someday in my life.

I went through a short phase of “wedding fever” when I was about 19 or so. Sometime right before I found out I was pregnant with Kenzie. I would get bridal magazines and cut all my favorite things out, but I never considered that it would actually be for me. I used to say that I wasn’t going to get married unless I could have my dream wedding. And if you thought Donald & Melania spent a lot of money on their wedding, then you’ve definitely never seen the dream plans for mine!

But now, it’s different. I could care less about my dream wedding and instead just want to have a wedding. Honestly, I just want someone to want to marry me. I want to be proposed to, and I want to be stressed out by the minute details and I want to walk down the aisle to my teary-eyed future husband. And I don’t know why at all. It’s not like getting married would change much of anything for me, besides the fact that I’d be further in debt.

As it is, we’ve lived together long enough that I’m entitled to half of everything he owns and next year, we’ll have to file our taxes together. All that would change by getting married is that I’d have a piece of paper that said it and hopefully I’d have a ring. It’s not like marriage would change that much for us. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping the wrath of this fever, that has me doing nothing but thinking about it and dreaming about it.

Most of all, I think it’s so encompassing to me, because for so many years I’ve said that I won’t get married. I won’t buy into that institutuion. I don’t need a paper to validate my relationship and I don’t need to get married. So I’ve spent most of my life saying that I don’t want to get married, that it’s not important to me, that it’s not something I seriously want,  that now that I’m constantly thinking, I want to get married and it is important to me and that I’d like to get married before I’m 30 (only 5 years away…), it’s a little bit confusing. It’s like I’m questioning all my old thoughts and beliefs surrounding marriage and it seems like it’s kind of a waste.

First of all, I can’t really picture The Boyfriend proposing. It’s too much pressure for him. Plus, he’d probably be so worried that I’d say no that he’d chicken out. That, or it wouldn’t even be like proposing. It would be like in Sex and the City (The Movie), when Big and Carrie just sort of agree on getting married.”Well, should we get married?”, “I suppose, it kind of makes sense doesn’t it?”, “Okay, then we’re getting married!” and I’d be pissed about that. Because part of the fun of getting married is being asked!

Second of all, I can’t really picture us getting married soon after a proposal, if it even happened. We’d get engaged and then we’d stay in that state for the next 9 or 10 years. For whatever reason. And while I think it’s honorable for those who do it, I couldn’t imagine looking down at an engagement ring every single day, and knowing that my wedding day could be years off. I couldn’t stay happy in my relationship, knowing that we want to get married, but aren’t.

I just can’t really see it in my future. But, a part of me, wants it so bad. It’s a very confusing time for me… Just had to get that off of my chest!