The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Before She Cheats…


At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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My Favorite Links This Week


I’ve been working on so many things over these past few days online and I’m getting tons done. In the process, I’ve ran across quite a few really great links that I’d love to share with you. I’ve included a couple links to what I’ve been posting elsewhere as well. Enjoy!

Favorites from Facebook…

Favorites from Blogs I’ve Subscribed to…

What I’ve Posted…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Punished…


It seems like almost all day today, I’ve been thinking about and fantasizing about punishment in an erotic sort of way… It’s gotten increasingly stronger all day and that last episode of Star Trek (Voyager, Season 3, Episode: Favorite Son) pushed it straight over the edge as a group of women bonded themselves to another male with black sashes on his wrists, eyes and mouth.

Kink in general has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I have a craving at least once a day for a spanking – it’s been so damn long since I’ve had one that I almost don’t even remember what it feels like or why I seriously enjoy it… At least twice this week alone I’ve felt angry that I’ve spent money on a flogger and a crop that never gets used…

Unfortunately, no matter how much I beg or how much I ask for it or how much we discuss it, it seems like we never ever get closer to the sort of relationship dynamic I long for. It probably wouldn’t even bother me so much if he’d just show a little tiny bit of interest.

Lately, all I’ve been able to think about is being punished. Being caned for my disobedience, or being put in the corner or not being allowed to make eye contact or something… I want us to have rules that I have to listen to or it will result in punishment, period with no exceptions. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, but we would figure out a way to make it work and be hella erotic all at the same time.

It would be so hot if say one of the rules was that I had to have some area of the house cleaned by a certain time. If I didn’t have it done by that time, then he would whisper in my ear that as soon as the kids are asleep, I will be punished for my wrong doing. Then after all the kids are asleep, wham! I get the punishment and am taught a valuable lesson about why I should listen to the rules. When you listen, you get rewards, rewards full of pleasure.

I wonder if it’s even worth it to keep dreaming of this stuff. I’ve made my vanilla bed and now I have to lie in it. Part of me feels like I should just forget about all my interests in kink, because it’s really getting me nowhere. The other part of me remembers how wonderful it was getting it for that short period of time and it’s fighting me to hold onto it… I hate feeling confused about my sexuality in this way, because I’m normally so sure, but lately, not so much. I feel like I’m so stuck in this in-between type of place, and it’s frustrating.