The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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It’s Been a Long One…


Hey, look at that, I’m posting today like I said I would. What do you know!

Today has felt like an incredibly long day. Work was horrible, Carter’s been nothing but terrible and Kenzie had his first ever migraine… For some reason it was also a day filled with “I miss my Daddy”. I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the talk about breaking up and Dad’s that’s going on in Mad Men, which they’ve been watching on and off with us.

I seem to handle those moments with Kaeidyn and Keirnan okay. Keirnan is much easier than Kaeidyn, and Kaeidyn normally has a lot of questions that I don’t feel comfortable answering, but Kenzie has never said anything prior to today. Then he gets this vicious headache (I’ve never seen him in so much pain before, I felt completely helpless) and starts bawling that he wants his Daddy and I just felt horrible. Even though, I’m not the one that’s choosing whether or not their Dad is in their life, I’m just the one that’s setting out limitations and boundaries that can’t be respected.

I always wonder what it feels like for The Boyfriend when he hears the kids talk about their Dad. I wonder if he feels hurt at all that he puts so much time and effort into having some sort of relationship with them and all they want is their Dad and not him. Or I wonder if he feels bad that he stepped into these shoes. Or I wonder if he doesn’t feel anything, to him it’s not a “thing”. He doesn’t even think twice about it. Hmm, interesting conversation for us to one day have.

Work is being really rough lately. I’m having a hard time being the type of person I like being when I’m working and I hate that. But I’m angry about a lot of things. Today, it was mostly that everything that I’ve learnt in the last year of this job is now being completely changed or thrown out altogether to adjust to one person. There is an entire group of us that has a problem with one person and we’re being completely ignored and it seems like we’re the ones suffering the most because of the problems. I know it sounds very cryptic, but it’s hard to explain what exactly the problem is without going too much into detail.

Then I come home from work, to my messy house, and these darn kids lately. Carter can’t seem to sit still for one second and if he is sitting still, the entire time is made up of this overwhelmingly annoying cry. He’s constantly getting into stuff that he shouldn’t be able to, he spends most of the evening crying or screaming and it just really wears a person down. And quiet is a concept that he absolutely does not understand. I don’t remember the other kids being this terrible when they were two…

The older kids are still mostly doing their usual thing of talking back or not listening at all. Every time I think we’re making some headway, it all just blows up in my face. I’m trying really hard to limit the amount of times I raise my voice, because I think that’s just causing more problems than it’s solving. I yell a lot more than I would like to, and it’s not some outrageous yelling or anything, just a louder than needed No or Stop when necessary. I think what I’m going to try to start doing with all of them is more explaining about why they are in trouble and more sitting and thinking about it for them. We’ve tried the whole corner-time and timeout in your bedroom and getting toys taken away and none of that seems to really work. Or even worse, it will work for a couple days and then it will seem to explode!

It’s hard right now with them at the ages they are at. Kaeidyn thinks because she’s oldest, she can take care of everyone. Which results in a lot of comments from the peanut gallery when the others are being spoken to. Kenzie is totally the obvious middle child, always thinking that everyone else gets it better than him. I don’t know how many times I used that one of my Mom! And Keirnan, while honestly, I’m more than confused about Keirnan. I just can’t seem to figure this kid out. On one hand, he’s the quietest one of the bunch. He’s not very active, he likes to play by himself more often than not, and he doesn’t talk that much and when he does it’s normally just long enough to ask for something he wants. On the other hand, he’s bossy, he’s rough, he’s very stubborn, he’s particular.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about the kids the last few days, not that what I’m learning is helping me in anyway be a better parent, at this point anyways. I think I’ve been subconsciously noticing them more, little things about them. The way Kaeidyn brushes her hair or the way Kenzie is restless without even knowing he’s being it. The way Keirnan breathes so gently while he’s sleeping and the positions that Carter stops snoring in. Today was definitely a huge learning experience as I tried to make Kenzie’s headache go away and keep the other three kids quiet… Almost a complete impossibility!

My body has been in quite a bit of pain lately. I’ve been having this pain in my shin and my knees have been driving me up the wall. I’ve been complaining about my back a lot and I wake up every morning with a sore neck (and don’t say it’s my bed or my pillow, because I’m not sure that’s the case – maybe it has something to do with the way I’m sleeping, but I don’t think it’s my bed or my pillow!). The Boyfriend and I were joking the other night about my pain, because when I first started complaining of the knee pain, doctors chalked it up to Osgood-Schlatter Disease, a sports-related injury. And then my shin starts hurting and we start joking that maybe it’s shin splints. Wouldn’t that be hilarious if my lazy ass kept getting sports-related injuries? My body must think it’s working mighty hard, when it’s really not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got for today. Did your day feel long today too?


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Weighing Down


I think I’ve been sad or something the last few days. Something is definitely going on, and I’m not 100% sure what it is or why it’s happening, I just know that it is…

First of all, I’ve been sleeping a lot again, or at least a lot in my opinion. Then after I do all that sleeping, I’m constantly beating myself up about it. The Boyfriend gets out of bed at 6 AM almost every morning and goes to bed after midnight. I go to bed at the same time, but these last few days I’ve been pushing the snooze button to sleep until 9 or 9:30. I don’t like it!

I’m getting overwhelmed by housework lately. I get one bit of cleaning done and then there’s a huge list more that needs to get done and I’m just not cutting it. None of us are really. It’s beginning to really stress me out. I go to bed thinking about all the cleaning that needs to be done the next day and then I spend all the next day in a funk because I’m not getting the cleaning that I need to get done, done!

I’ve been incredibly sore to top all of that off. My knees and ankles are doing terribly and it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay down, it all hurts. I’m also back to the perpetual periods and that whole thing is starting to annoy the crap out of me. First, I go on Depo and the bleeding lasts for almost an entire year, and then I go off Depo and the bleeding disappears for almost an entire year and now I’m back to the bleeding all the time. It’s disappointing…

We haven’t had any hot water for over two weeks now, and at this point I’m not even sure when we’ll be able to get that turned back on. We’re without a vehicle and The Boyfriend and I keep procrastinating on things like going to get groceries, even though he brings stuff home from work, so in that area we’re not hurting.

We keep saying that we need to create a budget and for some reason it all works out on paper, but in reality, we’re just not coming anywhere close to cutting it. It’s a weight that is weighing me down quite heavily and I’m finding it hard not to obsess over how bad we’ve let our finances get.

I have about a million phone calls to make and absolutely no desire to make them, even though they are kind of necessary. I need to get birth certificates for the kids, which is $100 I don’t have. I need to get myself some picture ID, which is still yet more money I don’t have. I need to get my Mom paid for watching the kids for me… There is just so much grown up stuff to do that I don’t want to do…

I just feel generally down and out and overwhelmed. I need to find another part-time job, but as it is I’m having a hard time wanting to go to the part-time job I already have. And not because I don’t love the job, because I really do, but when I’m in the emotional place that I’m at, I’d just much rather stay at home.

Well, I guess it’s time to head off to Mom’s to get ready to go to work… Taking the bus yet again today, which I’m seriously starting to hate. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. How have you been emotionally speaking the last little while? Any big stresses weighing you down?

March 16


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Stressed Out!!!


Today has taken just about every ounce of energy I’ve ever had in my entire life. The energy that I haven’t used up is being used up making sure I don’t crumble. It’s been a rough day to say the least.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter have heard me talking about crazy people a lot lately, as we’ve been dealing with my brother re-entering his psychosis, which they are now deeming as schizophrenia.

It all started a couple years back when my brother found out his girlfriend at the time was pregnant, though there was a lot of rumors that she had cheated on him and the kid wasn’t his. To this day, we still don’t know and she refuses to let him find out. He suddenly ditched out to BC and then moved around a lot from there, all the while experimenting with all sorts of drugs including Ketamine and MDMA.

Then, he came back in to town and he was straight up crazy. Constantly talking to himself and muttering under his breath. Eventually he gets sent out to the mental hospital here and things were looking up. He was taking his medication and everything seemed to be going fine. He got a job, found a place to live, and it looked like his life was on track.

Out of nowhere, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, he gets himself a girlfriend and next thing we know, he’s back to crazy. Worse than before. News hits of the earthquake in Japan, and suddenly he’s convinced that it’s going to happen to us here. Then he starts believing that the people at his work are out to kill him, so he stops going to work. After that, he starts showing up on everybody’s doorstep at odd hours of the day and night and insisting on giving everyone presents. I got broken markers and dice…

My Mom has suffered the blunt of his lunacy. She doesn’t take it very lightly at all and tends to often put all the blame on herself. Her and I are also very close, and very close to my brother. So because she suffered the blunt of it, I suffered the after effects of it. It’s been mentally overwhelming to say the least.

Today, we took him to the hospital under the rouse that we were going to get test results, the entire time Mom and I both secretly working towards getting him admitted to the hospital again. It took 6 1/2 hours, but I am relieved to say that for now, he is admitted to the hospital and is so far saying that he’ll take the medications they give him.

I’m saddened by the fact that we’re just going to have to get used to him being this way. I’m worried that he’ll never be the same brother I once had. I’m angry that our health system is so amazing, but at the same time so crappy. I only say that because when I went through my depression or whichever diagnoses you want to believe, the mental health system was my greatest savior. They really helped me. And I think, in comparison, what I went through mentally wasn’t nearly as bad as what my brother is going through mentally, and it seems to be so difficult to get him the help that he needs. It bugs me that people who don’t want to live, seem to be able to get all the help in the world, but people who do want to live and just have something seriously wrong with their brains, can’t get any help…

Add on top of the stress of my brother, all the other many stresses I’m feeling right now, and I just feel like sleeping through it all. From financial issues to not knowing what’s going to happen to my income now that I’m working, to having a deadline on filing my taxes, and getting a load limiter on my electricity, I am just incredibly stressed. I’m just glad that stress doesn’t affect me the way it used to, during what I think I’m going to start calling my “dark days”.

Then I’ve been massively stressing about Alfie-related things lately, which just bugs the crap out of me. I don’t know why it’s all happening now, this intense and extreme anger I feel towards him. The other night, my brother goes off about needing to get Alfie and The Boyfriend back together as friends, and I just straight out snapped at him. I’ve gotten to the point where just the mere mention of his name makes my blood curdle. I feel like screaming at anyone who respects the guy, and hitting the ones that count him as his friend, and I especially despise how many people ask me how he’s doing, as if I freaking care!

Today I made a very official decision though. For those who have read the better majority of this blog, you might remember awhile back I was complaining about Keirnan constantly coming home with pull-ups on. It was bugging me a lot, because Keirnan has been potty-trained for close to a year now. Every time the kids go to Alfie’s, he puts a pull-up on Keirnan, so Keirnan just does his business in the pull-up. When he gets home, he ends up forgetting that he’s not wearing the pull-up and pees the bed.

It’s been two weeks since they went to Alfie’s last and Keirnan hasn’t had a single nighttime accident.  I’ve decided that if Alfie takes the kids again and Keirnan comes home with a pull-up on, I’ll be putting an end to the weekend visits. He’s potty-trained and if Alfie and his family can’t accept that and respect it, then they don’t need to be spending time with him. That may sound really bitchy, but I’ve successfully (and rather easily) potty-trained all of my kids and every time they put a pull-up on him, he regresses and it seriously bugs me. Keirnan’s got enough regression issues as it is, he doesn’t need potty-training added to that list!!

The Boyfriend is talking about going back to working graveyards. On one hand, I want him to simply for the money. At this point, we could really use that extra bit of money and the full-time hours. On the other hand, I’m freaking out about the idea. I remember what it was like him working graveyards, and I’ve said to him in the past that if he had stayed working graveyards the likelihood is that we would’ve already broken up. It put way too much strain on our relationship, though a big part of that was because Alfie was still here! I’m just worried about the whole idea of it again, so it’s a big ole mental battle.

Works been going really amazing and I’m absolutely loving this job. It’s been a really rewarding experience for me, and being the computer whiz that I am, I’m constantly coming up with ways in which our department can be run better. The best part is, my co-workers really listen to me when I voice my ideas and that makes coming up with those ideas a lot more fun. It’s nice having that 3 hours away from the hustle and bustle of daily life and stressing about my own crap.

I’m really hoping things start looking up really soon though. Right now, I feel like I’m constantly struggling to be my happy, cheery self. And it wouldn’t be so bad if it came on really gradually, but it didn’t. It just suddenly hit and that’s the part that I’m struggling the most with, is that I’ve had no time to prepare for the stress, mentally or physically.

After months of having little to no pain in my knees, suddenly it’s back with a vengeance. Then, I lost a couple pounds and an inch off my waist and hips, and now it’s all back and I have a feeling I’ve gained a couple of pounds. It’s been a rough week, which results in almost no eating during the day and then porking at night. Or results in me being incredibly lazy and hardly ever moving from my chair.

I also don’t think I’ve been sleeping very well. I seem to fall asleep relatively fast, which is completely new to me, but I have a hard time staying asleep. Waking up is being a nightmare lately, and I seem to be having massive issues with it. When I do wake up, I’m incredibly grumpy for at least the first half hour and that just stresses me out more…

So that’s my week in a nutshell! How has your week been going? What’s stressing you out right now?