The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Short and Bitter


I am down and out again today. There are about a mazillion and one reasons why that could possibly so and yet, none of those things are even on my mind right now. Like, for instance, I went in to work yesterday morning and got called into the head bosses office. Two minutes later, I was walking right back out of the office as I had just been “dismissed”.

Not completely a shock or bother – especially being that I’ve been talking for weeks about looking for a different job, but still…

And yet, that’s not bothering me nearly as much as I would expect it to. It probably will shortly, but honestly, I’m kind of happy it happened. For a few reasons, such as:

  1. I wasn’t happy at the job anyways, so now I don’t have to be unhappy about it
  2. I was talking about leaving anyways, so now they’ve just made it that much easier
  3. I wanted to look for a new job, so now I can without having any other worries (outside of the typical job-hunting worries)
  4. I can spend a little time focusing on getting my house in order, which is so desperately needed it’s not even funny

I’m stressed about the money end of things, but I know that The Boyfriend and I will make it work, because that’s what we’ve always done. And we’ve lived on FAR less. So, all in all, in the long run, I’m not that upset about being “dismissed”. And yet, for some reason, I feel incredibly sad and I’m getting sick and tired of this happening so often lately.

I’ll be fine for a few days. No problems whatseover. Then out of nowhere, I’ll have a day or a couple days of this overwhelming sadness that makes me want to lay in bed all day. I don’t want to do anything or think about anything or make decisions or move. I just want to lay there, lifelessly.

Today is being one of those days. Yesterday, after I got fired, I came home and was fine. I spent the day working online, I watched the rest of the L Word (and can I just say, I freaking HATED the Season 6 finale! Who killed Jenny Schecter?!?) and The Boyfriend and I had some amazing quickie sex. Then I wake up this morning and at first, I thought I was fine. I even walked to the store to get morning coffees, which never happens! Like a bat out of nowhere, this sadness hit right before lunchtime and I’ve been spending the last 3 hours doing everything I can think of to make it stop and go away.

And I just want to know, how long is it going to last this time…?


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Blank Stare


I cannot believe that it’s been 6 freaking days since I last wrote. I have been in the world’s worst funk ever these last few days and I have absolutely no idea why or what’s caused it and I have no clue when it’s going to break. The last two days, after a night when The Boyfriend and I were asleep by 9:00 PM (an incredible rarity for us!), I’ve seen glimpses of not so bad moments – so I’m hoping that’s a good sign, but it’s been rough.

I have just been so down and out. I can’t even describe how down and out I’ve been. At times, I’ve felt sad and at other times I’ve felt angry. I spent almost an entire day feeling completely worthless and heartbroken about something. So it’s really just been a huge mix of negative emotions the last few days, which has resulted in me being the laziest I’ve been in quite awhile. It’s also resulted in a few more missed days at work than usual and a lot of tension around the house. Everyone kind of walking on eggshells and me being incredibly sour.

There are about 1000 factors that could be causing these emotions, when we think about psychological triggers, though when I try to identify them, they don’t seem to fit right. Especially being that all my “triggers” are all pretty mundane things that don’t seem to actually affect me the way that I wish they would (example: my house is not clean at all!)… If that makes any sense?!? So at this point, I’ve established that this is an unknown funk, not a caused one.

So needless to say, my time on the computer has been very minimal. Mostly, I’ve been laying in bed watching TV or sleeping or pouting. When I have gotten on the computer the last couple of days, I just stare blankly at the screen or out the window, no thoughts running through my head – other than the odd, “I wish I could have a thought…” thought.

Well that’s been my week in a nutshell. I wish I could come up with more to say or something, but here I sit, blankly staring…


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Weighing Down


I think I’ve been sad or something the last few days. Something is definitely going on, and I’m not 100% sure what it is or why it’s happening, I just know that it is…

First of all, I’ve been sleeping a lot again, or at least a lot in my opinion. Then after I do all that sleeping, I’m constantly beating myself up about it. The Boyfriend gets out of bed at 6 AM almost every morning and goes to bed after midnight. I go to bed at the same time, but these last few days I’ve been pushing the snooze button to sleep until 9 or 9:30. I don’t like it!

I’m getting overwhelmed by housework lately. I get one bit of cleaning done and then there’s a huge list more that needs to get done and I’m just not cutting it. None of us are really. It’s beginning to really stress me out. I go to bed thinking about all the cleaning that needs to be done the next day and then I spend all the next day in a funk because I’m not getting the cleaning that I need to get done, done!

I’ve been incredibly sore to top all of that off. My knees and ankles are doing terribly and it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay down, it all hurts. I’m also back to the perpetual periods and that whole thing is starting to annoy the crap out of me. First, I go on Depo and the bleeding lasts for almost an entire year, and then I go off Depo and the bleeding disappears for almost an entire year and now I’m back to the bleeding all the time. It’s disappointing…

We haven’t had any hot water for over two weeks now, and at this point I’m not even sure when we’ll be able to get that turned back on. We’re without a vehicle and The Boyfriend and I keep procrastinating on things like going to get groceries, even though he brings stuff home from work, so in that area we’re not hurting.

We keep saying that we need to create a budget and for some reason it all works out on paper, but in reality, we’re just not coming anywhere close to cutting it. It’s a weight that is weighing me down quite heavily and I’m finding it hard not to obsess over how bad we’ve let our finances get.

I have about a million phone calls to make and absolutely no desire to make them, even though they are kind of necessary. I need to get birth certificates for the kids, which is $100 I don’t have. I need to get myself some picture ID, which is still yet more money I don’t have. I need to get my Mom paid for watching the kids for me… There is just so much grown up stuff to do that I don’t want to do…

I just feel generally down and out and overwhelmed. I need to find another part-time job, but as it is I’m having a hard time wanting to go to the part-time job I already have. And not because I don’t love the job, because I really do, but when I’m in the emotional place that I’m at, I’d just much rather stay at home.

Well, I guess it’s time to head off to Mom’s to get ready to go to work… Taking the bus yet again today, which I’m seriously starting to hate. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. How have you been emotionally speaking the last little while? Any big stresses weighing you down?


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Cute Story, Good News


So, tonight was a rather funny night. The first time I ever saw the movie “Click”, where Adam Sandler died, I cried my eye balls out. Well, like mother, like daughter, so did Kaeidyn.

As his family gathers around him, Kaeidyn starts pouting just a little bit. Then they start crying and he’s crying, next thing you know she’s right out blubbering. Rubbing at her eyes while The Boyfriend and I try to hide our laughter, and I try to hide my tears. It was such a cute moment.

It’s not the first time she’s cried at a movie, but it’s the first time she’s cried and truly understood why she was crying. The first time she cried during a movie was when we first moved into this house and she watched “Spirit”. I don’t think she really understood why she was crying then, at least not like she did tonight.

All the kids have been doing really quite well. Along with my Mom, they bought me flowers the other day. I had had a really rough couple of days with the kids and they were just being incredibly crazy. Mom picked me up for work and I had just had enough and I was really upset and angry. So Mom talked to the kids, and they went out and bought me flowers while I was at work, and when I came home they ushered me into the kitchen to a bouquet of flowers. They were really good for the rest of the night too, which just made it that much better!

More good news is that The Boyfriend has officially been bumped up to full-time!! We’ve been hoping that it would happen for a really long time, and it finally did. We’re both so relieved and so excited. He’s loving his job, I’m loving my job, so work is finally good!

A couple posts back, I had written about being all worried about my brother and my Mom because of my brother. Well, I’m very happy to say that that worry has now been taken care. After spending a little longer than a week in the hospital, Goober was successfully moved into a group home, where he is so far doing really good. They tested him for schizophrenia and so far that is a no-go, so they’re still saying it’s non-specific psychosis, though Goober and I were talking the other night and he pointed out that it could be Seasonal Affective Disorder, since it only seems to happen during these months. I told him to discuss it with his psychiatrist.

My sister came down for a short weekend visit last weekend and that was really great. We went clothes shopping (which I don’t get to do often enough, though sadly it was a horrible experience for me, but picking out clothes for her to try on was super fun!), and it was all around a good time. Looks like she’ll be back in July.

In online news, well there’s not really too much here honestly. I’ve kind of been slacking this week. I’ve got a lot that’s in the “Work In Progress” stage and nothing at the completion stage. I started a new blog called Valerie Rayne’s Randomness. And it’s a very random slice of the web. From my favorite quotes, to some of my favorite YouTube videos, and my answers to Formspring questions, plus a whole bunch more, it’s just literally a bunch of randomness.

I’ve also been reading my Google Reader religiously and seriously delighting in it. I love that I’m the only person I know who has any idea what’s going on in the online world. It makes for rather boring conversation, but I feel far superior than most in at least one area of my life.

Other than that, my week has been pretty boring. I sleep, I stare at my computer screen, I work for a short time and then I stare at my computer screen more. Starting Monday, life should be a little more exciting as I start walking to and from work.

At first I was oober bummed about it and almost mad at my Mom for it, and then I started thinking that I’ve been complaining for months about wanting to lose this baby belly, what better way than to start walking! It’s not like work is that far, and the only part I can see being a big problem is this large hill that I have to walk up when I come home. Other than that, I think it’s going to be fun and if I lose some of the 30 lbs. that I want to lose this year, I’ll be really incredibly happy.

Oh yeah, for anybody who has previously checked out my Stay Connected page to be greeted with blankness, it’s no longer blank. What is on there is mostly a draft, though all the links work. Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to make it look a little better. One step at a time…