The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Feeling So I Don’t Know…

2 Comments


I woke up this morning, feeling pretty darn good. It was relatively easy to get up before noon (seems like it’s always easier when The Boyfriend is home from work), I spent the first few hours playing a new game that The Boyfriend got for the computer – Star Trek Online and let me say one thing, addictive!! After spending too many hours on it last night, the first thing I wanted to do today was play it again.

Then, after playing for a couple hours today, I got up and did some dishes and light cleaning, which made me feel really great. I’ve done a load of dishes every single day this week and I feel mighty good about it. I even discovered that I can have Grooveshark playing on my BlackBerry, so even had tunes playing out in the kitchen while the kids quietly sat and watched SpongeBob. It was wonderful.

Out of nowhere, I start feeling annoyed and frustrated. The kids are all being relatively decent. Sure, there’s always points of this kid being more frustrating at this time than any other, but for the most part, it was all manageable and fine. Kaeidyn and I started watching a movie together, the boys were doing their thing and yet, I just could not shake this annoyed and frustrated feeling.

I figured watching a couple movies would get me over it, but if anything, it seems like it’s just made it worse. The Boyfriend suggested I try the computer and see if that brightens my mood any, so, here we sit…

I can’t figure out, for the life of me, why I feel so frustrated and annoyed right now. I’m accomplishing tons, I’m really enjoying this time off from dealing with school stuff, The Boyfriend and I are starting to get interested in each other’s stuff again (we go in and out of enjoying one another’s hobbies), so we’re talking lots and generally having a lot of fun with each other. Money’s a little tight, but we expected that coming into January (like it goes every year), so it’s not like we’re stressing about anything at this point. And even with all those positive little factoids staring right at me, in type and everything, I just can’t stop these all-consuming feelings.

I start blogging everyday on the 1st. I’m incredibly excited about it and also a little nervous. Maybe that’s part of what’s got my goat, who knows. I’m mostly nervous about it because I’ve gotten more and more likely to stop writing a post right in the middle when I start thinking that it sucks and then never returning to it to make it better. My drafts folder is literally boggled down with posts that are 5 or 6 sentences long, that I just leave there…

But I miss feeling that creativity and inspiration that I feel when I write on a regular basis. When I had a paper and pen journal, I had no problem checking in on it multiple times a day with numerous little writings here and there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t care if it was only 6 sentences long and sucked, so maybe I’ll just adopt that for this challenge. We’ll see how it goes…

I’m also probably feeling a little bit stressed because of my brother, who is yet again, crazy. I mean, there’s really no other way to put it. He was doing so darn good, then this roommate moved in and now all hell has broken loose. My Mom has said she’s done, and I can’t blame her at all. But now that she’s gotten mad at him so many times (and he’s too scared to go over there, just like he’s too scared to go back to his own house), he just comes over here all the time. And even though Mom and I set up a different place for him to stay, with more people who he likes, he still insists on spending what seems like every second of his spare time here.

It’s tough because you can only ask so many times for him to stop talking to himself or so many times for him to stop leaving random crap that he finds all over the house, before you just start feeling an immense amount of anger. It just feels like he has absolutely no respect. And I know that’s not really what it’s like but sometimes it’s hard to forget about your feelings and feel compassion. But it’s also hard to feel any compassion towards a person when they could be doing something to get help (for a problem they are aware that they have nonetheless), and are downright refusing to do so. And I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t get help…

So, that’s where I’m at. Still feeling the same way I did before I started to right this. Hopefully cuddles with The Boyfriend tonight will help 😉

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Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

2 thoughts on “Feeling So I Don’t Know…

  1. Pingback: No More Crazy, Please?!? « The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

  2. Pingback: Failure is Natural, Apparently « The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

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