The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Obsessions and Addictions


Man oh man… I just keep neglecting to come back here.

First, I’ve been getting obsessed with stuff that takes me away from the computer. I started reading The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a book that has been on my “to-read list” forever (one day, I’ll actually compose this list out, but for now it lives entirely in my head). I’m enjoying it, although I am finding it to be a little repetitive. I mean, I basically know from the very get go that Holmes is going to solve the mystery and Dr. Watson is going to be shocked about how he came to these conclusions long before the evidence suggested a case-closed situation. However, I’m still baffled every single time I read that Holmes and Dr. Watson did cocaine together, like it was just another part of any other day.

I know that this was the norm for the era that Holmes is based in. And what’s even stranger to me is that I don’t get that baffled feeling when thinking about say Freud doing cocaine or prescribing it to his patients and it doesn’t shock me every time I think about the fact that cocaine used to be an ingredient in Coca-Cola during the same time period. But for some reason, the whole concept of Watson and Holmes doing cocaine, just floors me every time. I swear I read it and the look on my face just goes straight to shock…

Then, the next thing that I’ve become entirely all too obsessed with, and really, we all have, is Minecraft. I’ve been hearing about this game forever and hated everything about it. That was, until I actually played it. On a whim, we downloaded the free trial for the Xbox, and we haven’t been able to stop playing ever since. The Boyfriend and I will literally sit there fighting over whose turn it is to play and we wake up every morning to the kids fighting over who gets to play it between them.

I don’t know what it is about this game that has got us all so hooked. Both The Boyfriend and I just keep trying to figure out what we love so much about it and neither of us can really figure it out. It also doesn’t help that it’s easy to lose track of time once you’re on the game and it’s one of those games that can easily result in one too many hours spent on it. Then, we decided to check out the Minecraft Wiki and now we’re even more obsessed! It’s been making me not want to get on the computer at all…

When we’re not playing Minecraft and I’m not reading Holmes, we’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek and/or playing Karaoke. I even got a video of The Boyfriend and I doing karaoke last night (which I’m hoping to have edited enough to share in a day or so – it’s over 2 hours long, so I gotta cut it down…). It’s been a lot of fun, even if it does make you feel incredibly lazy.

But all in all, things around here are looking really good. Besides a mound of laundry that just seems to keep building, the house is nice and clean and only needs a slight tidy up. The kids are all having a bit of attitude problems, but that’s to be expected as it begins to warm up outside – and I could not be more happy about it! I honestly cannot wait for summer! So that’s pretty much all that’s new around here.

Now, I want to know, do you play Minecraft?


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Boy Trouble…


I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be the crappiest day in the history of days. The Boyfriend had just finished up 3 days off, which was wonderful and not-so-wonderful all at the same time (more about that in a minute), Kaeidyn and Kenzie were up at the crack of dawn this morning fighting over games on the Xbox – which reminds me that we totally need to make a new rule apparently about not playing games before school…, and then I got a phone call from my Mom this morning about my brother, who sounds like he’s not doing that great.

So, I went back to bed. After The Boyfriend left for work and once the older kids were gone to school, Keirnan sat and watched TV while Carter and I dozed back off. I slept much later than I had anticipated, although judging by my more optimistic outlook on the day, I needed it. Then my Mom came over and we talked a bit about my brother. I’m sure I’ve written about this somewhere on the blog before, but a few years back Goober did some experimenting with drugs and those drugs had a very negative effect on him. About a year after the experimentation, Goober came home and was acting very strange and he just seemed to get stranger. Talking to himself, obsessing about the end of the world, staring creepily at people, refusing to get any sort of medical help for obvious medical problems, never sleeping, the list really goes on and on.

One night, he gets picked up by the cops who decide that he’s not in the right mental state and get him institutionalized. They (the doctors who were in charge of him, I guess) decide that he seems to have psychosis brought on by the drug use and there’s a chance that he could continue having this problem for a long time. But he gets better. Then, another year passes and he begins to get worse again. After Mom and I completely coerce him, he gets institutionalized again and gets on meds and seems to be doing better. He gets let out and fluctuates for a long time between good and bad until one day he seems completely fine. For the past few months, he’s seemed completely fine. He’s held a job for a long time, he’s stayed living in one place with the same roommates for a long time, everything seems to be going good.

Then, my Mom gets a call from his roommates letting us know that he’s been talking to himself a lot and generally creeping the roommates out and they want to know how to deal with it. Last anyone heard, Goober was up at the hospital. We only know that he wasn’t there today when Mom called the hospital and we haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone who is in direct contact with him. It’s hard during these times with my brother, for both my Mom and I, and it’s even harder to know how to support everyone in this situation. Right now, it’s just a waiting game to see what happens next – is this going to be an all-the-rest-of-winter type of glitch with my brother or is it just going to be for a few weeks? What’s caused the glitch this time and what’s it going to be like this time? Needless to say, I’m nervous about the first time he comes over here – which when he’s like this tends to happen a lot more than usual, but so far, I’ve heard nothing…

In other news, I kind of feel like The Boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch – though it’s totally not obvious or visible and I’m probably the only one who feels this way. Rough patch is also probably the wrong words to use. It’s more like a disconnect between us. I don’t feel like we are as connected as we once were. I know part of it is because he got a new game and that tends to result in a lot of time where he’s on the game or wanting to play the game and I’m off here on the computer, so there’s no actual physical connection between us during a lot of these times.

I don’t know what the other part of it is. I’ve been mostly feeling it in terms of sex lately. He’s been very uninterested in sex and even when he have it (which thankfully hasn’t lessened much), he seems less like he’s enjoying it and more like he’s doing it because he has to. Or the one that’s really pissing me off is the half-assedness surrounding my orgasm. Let’s look at a few of our last sessions…

Last night, he decides rather early on in the night that he wants head. Being that I’ve gotten eaten out twice in the last 2 weeks, there was only excitement for me surrounding giving him head. I had asked him to trim up the other night just because I wanted to give him head. So, when he whispered in my ear that he wanted to go to bed early so that I could suck him off, I was more than pleased. The head went well, except that we’ve decided we need a new position for it, because with me laying next to him and at the particular angle, he feels to thick for my mouth and my jaw gets crazy sore. He came fast and was really into it and it was generally great. Once he came, I was itching for an orgasm and I made that very clear.

At first, he reaches down and frantically begins circling my clit and playing in my wetness. Then, his hand stops moving, his eyes start closing and he has no interest in my orgasm. I give him a little shove and he tells me he’s not falling asleep and acts all interested for a second. I start getting into it and I’m moaning and suddenly his hand stops again. This went on forever, when I finally got frustrated, reached down myself and ignored whatever it was that he was doing beside me and just focused on my orgasm. And this kind of thing keeps happening.

The other night, he offers to eat me out. I’m all for it and get myself all comfy. He gets down there and very gently sucks on my clit. My body begins quaking and shivering and he lifts off and waits a few minutes before going back in. Then, he gets so gentle that I can hardly feel what he’s doing at all. I try to grab his hand to guide his fingers into me and he lays his hand down on the bed and doesn’t touch me at all. I get this limp, un-enthusiastic tongue, very gently lapping at the top of my clit – not even the most sensitive part. By the time that I finally cum, he’s gone completely limp and doesn’t care to change that.  Like he’s just so uninterested in it all.

I’ll never understand where the whole concept of guys being total horn dogs and women being these demure and frigid beings came from, because this is the third relationship now where I’m just realizing that it’s absolutely the opposite way around. I’m still crazy interested in the sex, I’m still always thinking about cock and it’s only on his mind as a type of chore or obligation… I’m beginning to get frustrated with it.

I just want to have where I wake up everyday and my guy can’t resist thinking about the great sex we had last night and how much he can’t wait to do it again. I want to feel like my vagina is actually desirable to someone. I miss the days of my wetness being something that immediately got him hard and I miss the days when we had sex multiple times a day and it never felt like the same sex. I want to feel like he really truly wants me and this body and this sex, and I’m not getting that at all…


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Moody McMooderson


Today, I have felt like I’m on a roller coaster ride with my emotions. I’m all over the place. I wake up this morning and I’m all happy-go-lucky, then I watch some YouTube and for some reason, begin to get extremely agitated. The kids came home from school and at first I was all in love, then I was all annoyed and then, as dinner finished baking, I was sentimental and playful.

We watched Raising Hope on Netflix (which is such a cute show and I can’t believe I missed it when we still had cable…) and I flopped from not being able to hear it well enough one moment, to laughing or tearing up the next (depending on the situation in the show). The older kids went to bed, so immediately I felt relief and if a sigh didn’t actually escape my lips, it definitely had glided out of my body.

So I decided, what a perfect time to whip out the piano and play me some tuneage. But then, Carter came up behind me and started reaching around my arms to get at the keys. Instead of letting this consume me with bitterness, I succumbed to it and let him play with me. We experimented with the sounds, we played some stuff together and I even let him play alone. After a good 45 minutes had went by, I decided I was done. It was my turn to play.

We got him into bed, happily cradling his bottle, and I sat down in front of the keyboard again. As I struck the first note, The Boyfriend grabbed his Xbox mic, slid it onto his head and began, “Hey, how are you?”. See, he’s started playing Modern Warfare online with some of his buddies from work. It keeps him incredibly entertained and if it didn’t make him feel so guilty always playing video games, I’d never see him again.

I’m used to this kind of behavior. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had would rather spend all his spare time playing video games or watching movies that I sincerely hate. The Boyfriend is the worst for this! His only hobby is his video games (oh, and sort of Nascar… That one’s way less annoying though!), so whenever he can he likes to get on there and now that he’s got friends who play, he insists on putting this mic on.

When I’m not playing piano, I think it’s cute. It doesn’t bother me since I’m not making any other noises than typing when he’s playing his games. I’m okay with his nerdy social life. So my emotions went crazy during the first few minutes of this. First I was just outright annoyed, then I was “okay” with it because I had decided that I was just going to suck at piano anyways, so what was the point. I went out to the kitchen and got myself a drink and refilled Carter’s bottle and decided that I was just going to play piano. Whatever if I sucked, whatever about The Boyfriend’s mic. It doesn’t affect his time on it when I’m playing and I’ve done it before so what’s the difference.

I sit in front of my keyboards all ready to conquer that stuff, and look up at the screen and just feel completely bored! Needless to say, I haven’t played piano, I’m moodier than I like to be, I’m missing a guitar like crazy and I want to work on my website but I feel to moody! ARGH!!!