The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Nothing But Complaints…

Alright, so I officially suck at blogging everyday, it’s just impossible. And yesterday, there were so many opportunities and I just could not force myself to write anything. I had absolutely no motivation. This is something I’m going to be exploring with a passion over the next few days, because I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep letting every single goal I ever make for myself slip through my fingers, especially when it’s something I enjoy doing…

Plus, I’m never going to get anywhere that I want to be if I just continue to get discouraged or whatever you want to call it. I am in one heck of a funk though. This thing has got a vicious grip on me and all day yesterday and all day today, I have just felt completely boggled down by whatever this negative emotion is that I’m feeling at the moment. It’s not even really any particular feeling, just a general blah-ness.

I’m not sure exactly what’s causing this. I know part of today’s funk has to do with the fact that it was supposed to be The Boyfriend’s day off and then he ended up getting called into work bright and early this morning because night crew didn’t do their jobs. I would’ve been less upset about it if it weren’t for the fact that they had been dicking him around in general over this day off for the last two weeks, constantly changing when it would be and constantly changing how many days it would be, that it was annoying that they had finally gotten it figured out and then I get woken up this morning to a phone call for him to come in on his day off. I was not impressed…

But the day, for the most part, has been overall decent. Yes, there’s been moments of getting angered with the kids or moments of laughter, such as – we downloaded a whole bunch of game demos because The Boyfriend got a hard drive. One of the games we downloaded was Just Dance 4 for the kids and it was just about the cutest thing watching Kenzie and Kaeidyn try to nail these dance moves. It’s been a day like any other basically.

I hate that school is already starting again. I definitely don’t feel prepared at all. I was hoping to go to the laundromat before school started, I was planning on having so much more of the house completely cleaned. We’ve had each area of the house completely cleaned at one point or another, but keeping it that way seems physically impossible. And that’s only because my energy levels are at an absolute minimum – or else it wouldn’t be that impossible.

And that’s another thing that I really need to figure out. How to get my energy levels up, because I just feel exhausted and un-motivated all the time. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or move. I just want to stay in one spot… I feel incredibly lazy and I hate it. I mean, obviously I’m not just staying in one spot or not doing anything, because that’s definitely impossible, but I’m not doing all that I want to be doing.

Darn this winter thing. I swear, if it were summer, I would not be going through all these whiny days and nothing but complaints. I hate this weather and I hate the lack of sunshine and I hate that I can’t kick the kids outside to play… I’m just pissy…

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Monday Ramblings

The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…


I’m Too Young to Feel Old…

So, I promised I’d post something and I think it’s time…

I am officially going on record to say that it is damn hard trying to raise a family in any sort of constructive manner while working closer to full-time. A lot has gone on in the last few weeks job-wise and it’s being a major adjustment for everyone and now, my stress levels are through the roof.

First, at my job, we’ve moved into a new office. It’s been a major transition already, what with my original boss quitting and gaining a new one, that I’m not very comfortable with. We haven’t found a flow that works for us, and work is often this major battle to go to every single day.

They’ve officially asked me to start working 6 hours a day, Monday to Friday. I’ve kind of just been leaving when I’m all done my work, since I was originally hired on as part-time. I’ve been asked to stay later essentially to babysit my boss – which is great, because it means that they trust me enough to babysit a grown man, but it’s sucky too because now I’ll have to spend even longer on a day-to-day basis with a job I’m quickly falling out of love with.

The Boyfriend has gotten promoted to backroom manager and that’s been really great for him. Albeit, he stresses out a lot about work and takes his job very seriously, it’s nice that he’s getting to where he wants to be. Where he’s been working so hard on getting. I’m really insanely proud of him and happy for him. It’s nice to finally be with a guy who looks like he has a future in the job market.

But it’s put a huge strain on our home life. Nothing that’s really affecting anything right now, but I forsee it. As it was, he was working hard enough before that he was exhausted by the time he got home from work. Now, he comes home and he just wants to veg. Which would be fine and dandy, if we didn’t have 4 kids destroying the house all day…

Which brings us to the entire point of this entry…

These darn kids, I’m telling you, are aging me at a great speed. Today has made me feel like a little old woman, trapped in a little old shoe! It’s a darn good thing that I’m not the type of Mom who got all uppity and rushed my kids to the hospital every time they fell down, or this weekend would already have more than one trip. The kids are just not getting a long lately.

Carter is at this horrible stage where he’s constantly instigating fights with the other kids. And he’s a tough little guy, and will fight back quite hard. He’s still not stronger than the other kids, though he puts in a mighty effort, which often results in him getting hurt. Yesterday, as they were all play fighting on the bed – something that is at least a twice-a-day occurence, Carter got kicked in the back and bounced off a wall, causing his lip to begin bleeding. He takes it like such a champ, crying until he gets cuddles and then jumping in for more!

This morning, as they were all play-fighting again, somehow Carter got nail polish dumped in his eye. This was after they painted everyone’s nails, plus a couple toys… They pull each other’s hair upstairs and steal each other’s toys and the constant screaming that goes on is making me go deaf in one ear. I feel like I’ve had a permanent headache for days now, and Tylenol just isn’t cutting it anymore.

It’s become so intense being a mom of four. I know you’re all saying what everyone always says, “Well, what did you expect it was going to be like?!?”… I don’t know what I expected it to be like. I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew it was going to be this all encompassing permanent roller coaster. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I got pregnant. What can I say? Sometimes, I think, if I could go back and do it over again, I would. Other times, that doesn’t fit into what I want to be. I don’t want to be the type of person who has regrets and is thinking about how much greener the grass is on the other side. I don’t want that to be me. But sometimes, that part just sneaks out.

I know to get things to settle down with the kids and life in general, I need to take some serious steps to make that happen. Things that I’ve dipped my toes into the water with, but never got all the way in. But it all seems so out of reach and so impossible. Like creating a routine. Getting up at the same time of day, every day and making the kids 3 meals a day everyday. Doing more activities with them and creating more boundaries and rules and disciplinary actions that are consistent. I know what I have to do, but for some reason, I can’t make it work.

Creating a routine has to be the absolute hardest for me. Making myself do the dishes every day, getting the energy up to clean once a day, keeping organized enough to remember where the kids newsletters from school got put. The simplest of things seem to be like a huge feat for me. Most of the time, I don’t even think about it. It doesn’t even cross my mind that those simple things would help tremendously, but when it does cross my mind, it feels like it did when I was bogged down by depression.

No matter how much I want to be motivated, I can’t seem to force myself to be. When I was depressed, no matter how hard I fought to just get out of bed in the morning, it was like this huge weight was holding me back from getting up. And while I wouldn’t say that I feel depressed, I definitely feel like something’s holding me back.

Pardon my lack of grammar in this post…