At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…
I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.
The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…
The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.
Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.
By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.
Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.
He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…
Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…
He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.
But, why am I writing about this?
Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.
And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.
And frankly, I’m losing all hope…
I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.
This just sucks…
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The Rantings of a Tortured Mind 
December 20, 2012 at 12:13 PM
I agree…cheating is not a good thing. However I understand having those desires and not being able to act on them. It can be almost painful. Hate to say it but if I was in your place I would prob find someone I could get with from time to time just for some Hot kinky fun. You just need to so what feels best for you.
~Jess~
December 20, 2012 at 12:44 PM
My big thing too, is it cheating if there’s no sex involved? I mean yes, what I would prefer is to have kinky fun and finish off with sex, but the sexually isn’t necessary. I get perfectly great sex at home. What I can’t get at home is a spanking, a cropping, erotica cutting, etc. And it is incredibly painful to want these things so bad and every move I make is met with absolute denial. I think I would feel differently if I had entered into the relationship unsure of my kinky interest or completely unaware, then I could handle his “no” better, but we came into this relationship with me essentially shouting at the top of my lungs, “I’M KINKY!!”.
So, while I really don’t want to “cheat” on this man that I am head over heels in love with, I don’t want to suffer through what I feel like I’m suffering through. The mass of confusing emotions surrounding something so simple feels like too much to bare. I wish that we could have a conversation that ended with a spanking in my near future – either from him (ideal) or from someone else (with his permission), but because I know that conversation will never happen, I have some evaluating to do…
Long time, no talk by the way. How are things?
December 23, 2012 at 12:03 AM
In my opinion it’s cheating even if sex is not involved. It’s still something you feel you have to hide from him because you feel it will hurt your relationship.
Now if you were to do it how about with another woman instead of a man? Maybe if he found out he would be less threatened by it. You’re not doing it because you became a lesbian all of a sudden…..just trying to fulfill some kinky desires.
Or if with a male maybe someone in the same position as you. Someone in a relationship who shares the same desires as you but their partner just doesn’t share the same interest. A person not looking for a romantic relationship…..just looking for someone who will submit to him.
As for me I’m doing fine. Working a lot but that’s about it. I still have a Mistress I submit to but with other women I enjoy focusing on My Dominant side. Any time you want to chat feel free to email me 🙂
~Jess~
December 23, 2012 at 10:41 PM
I agree with you a lot, that even though there’s no sex, it will feel like cheating… And it wouldn’t matter on the gender of the person or the relationship status or orientation. He just really hates the idea of sharing. In his opinion, I am all his and that’s just the way it’s going to be. On one hand, I think it’s incredibly sweet and adorable and on the other hand, it makes me bitter and angry.
It would be different if we could just have a conversation about it, but he downright refuses to talk about it. I don’t completely blame him, because I’m sure I’d be the same way if he were asking the same thing of me. And that’s the worst part… I’m a massive hypocrite. Thanks so much for all your comments 😉