Before She Cheats…

At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope…

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

The Natural Progression Of It All

I’ve been talking to a new person on FetLife who has me answering a lot of questions about my interests in BDSM and I realized, just now, that I’ve been totally neglecting my desires in that area. I’ve been completely and one hundred percent ignoring that part of me. I know now that when The Boyfriend spanks me playfully during dinner making or cleaning, that it is nothing but an non-erotic tease, and I have just come to accept that. And it saddens me when I think about it.

I remember so vividly (especially being that I just read through my old blog a couple days ago…), a time when I used to be so much closer to kink. When the idea of not getting it was an all-consuming fear that I worked hard to ensure wouldn’t happen. Where did my passion for kink go? When did I become okay with having nothing but vanilla sex, unless you’re like me and count one time of anal as kinky sex…?

When did I become so damn complacent about my own kinky happiness?

I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why it happened, but I think subconsciously, I gave The Boyfriend permission to stop being interested, somewhere along the line. I mean yes, he stopped showing interest all on his own, but I never explored that sudden lack and I never pushed for anything different. The most I’ve done is complained about how I used to get it and how I don’t anymore.

He seems so much less receptive to the entire concept of it than he used to be. Albeit, I was able to sucker him into watching a bdsm-esque porn the other night, he didn’t seem like he cared at all about what was on. The sex afterwards was also surprisingly gentle for the rough sex we had just watched moments before. It’s just odd to me how different it is.

He compensates for the lack of kink with this undying love and affection towards me, which half the time I truly believe he’s faking, even though I’ve never seen one iota of an indication that that’s what it is. He is, in all aspects and facets of what I know of him, completely sincere. Like today…

I’m making dinner, as usual, and for some reason whenever he sticks around with me out there, I feel much more passionate than I normally would. I tend to feel more confident, even though I normally look rather drab. I’m playful when I’m making dinner and enjoy things like play fighting or being cheeky. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing. And as we’re playing around out there, he won’t stop saying he loves me. It seemed like every time I laughed, every time I flinched, every time I punched him, an I love you would escape his lips.

Instead of being happy, instead of saying I love you back one hundred times, I kept saying, “What did you do wrong?”, as if you have to do something wrong to be in love with me. Then again, he was getting pretty repetitive. Then, I ask him to tell me something interesting, and he goes, “You’re beautiful”, to which I of course, roll my eyes. Then, “I was going to save this for later, but you are officially the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship” and I was like “Awe!! That’s so cute!”

He hasn’t been mushy like that in a while and I forgot how much I had missed it. I remember that he used to be so cheesy with his one-liners. Cheesy and way kinkier… Where did all of that go for us? Is that just the natural progression of the long-term relationship? And if it is, am I okay with that?

NOTE: This post was originally written over a month ago. Some of these thoughts have now changed.