The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Don’t Get Me Wrong


I’ve learnt a lesson over the last few months, and that is to not complain about your sex life. If it’s not what you want it to be, you need to do something to change it. I’ve also learnt that patience is of great importance, because things and situations change.

Tonight, I feel like complaining a little bit though. Not even really complaining, so much as talking about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Okay, maybe two things that have been on my mind.

First, I want a girlfriend!!! I’ve been saying for so many years now that I’m bi-curious. I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. My first girl crush was Lori Petty from Tank Girl, and since then I’ve had many girl crushes – even girls who weren’t celebrities.

I’ve always found women to be very attractive. Often when I masturbate, if I’m visualizing anything, it’s a woman. Awhile back, I had come to terms with the fact that it was never going to happen. I can’t stand sharing at all. And with my rather low self-esteem, the worst thing I could do is allow The Boyfriend to be a part of my relationship with a girl. If he saw her naked, I would probably snap!

But I’ve seriously been considering talking to him about the whole thing. The other thing that’s been on my mind kind of plays into it too. Not only do I want a girlfriend, but I want my own submissive. I want a girl submissive. That way there isn’t that jealousy where having a male submissive is concerned.

And since any sort of kink, outside of handcuffs, has been completely eradicated from our sex life, I want some kind of outlet. It would be especially perfect because I could still be submissive with The Boyfriend, but finally release my built-up Dominant tendencies. I’ve kind of become very complacent where adding kink in our sex life is concerned.

For awhile there, I was trying to almost force it on The Boyfriend. But lately, his interest level has dropped dramatically and it almost never gets mentioned. When I do say something about it, there is almost no reaction from him whatsoever. So I’ve just kind of left it alone. I mention it every once and awhile but for the most part, I’m moving on.

How do you bring this kind of thing up? He’s been in relationships in the past where the girlfriend let another girl get in the way. I just really want to experiment with this and I don’t plan on breaking up with him anytime in the future, so how do I go about getting what I want without hurting him? And how do you keep the girlfriend separate from The Boyfriend? I don’t even know how it would work at all… Just my thoughts for the night.

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of six ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the creator of WTMFI Wednesdays, a weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality.

6 thoughts on “Don’t Get Me Wrong

  1. Great Post. First I will say I’m not in the same situation as you. I’m a lesbian, student (in my last semester) and live with my girlfriend Kara of 2years. The main difference with us us lifestyles. I enjoy BDSM & D/s, she just like a little kink. Break out the handcuffs in the bedroom and she’s all for it. Not so much into just being ordered around as a submissive or doing the same to me in reverse roles. We gave it a try for a little while and just never worked out.
    Now besides my relationship with Kara I’m involved with a wonderful Domme Scarlett. Kara new she couldn’t give me what I wanted when it came to D/s so she allowed me to seek out someone else. The only thing she asked was that she meet her and had the final say. I agreed. What works is Scarlett is married. Her husband has not interest in any type of kink. In the end Kara knows I’m not going anywhere because the other person I’m with is already happily married. My relationship with Kara & Scarlett ha turned more into a poly situation though. I don’t want to be seeing someone else myself while Kara just has me so I told her to feel free to date others if she wants.
    My advice is maybe trying to find another female in a similar situation to you. Someone who’s in there own relationship but want’s to also explore the same things you desire. Your boyfriend may feel less threatened if the other girl you’re with has another primary relationship of her own.
    That’s just my advice and hope you’re able to fulfill this desire. When it comes to kink I understand what it can be like when you’re not getting everything you want with it.

    Take care ~Jess~

    • Thank you so much for your input Jess. Out of curiosity, how did you broach the subject of seeking out someone else? Did you just straight out ask her and she gave you permission, or was there a lot of work and conversations that went into it? And when it came to seeking someone else out, what did that look like?

      I don’t have any plans of breaking up with The Boyfriend. In my mind, he is my soul mate. It’s just the one area that we have any problems in. How would I even go about finding someone in a similar situation to mine? I really appreciate your advice though and I’m happy that you’ve found a really good balance. Thanks again!

  2. I just asked her straight out. Our relationship is open an honest and we never hold anything back from each other. In the past I’ve gotten Kara to engage in a few threesome so we new we could trust each other with someone else. As for finding someone else, I found her on Fetlife. If you haven’t checked out the site I highly recommend checking out the site. You can find me at MzJess. It has some great BDSM resources and you can meet plenty of others. It’s not a dating site but there are people looking for others. I just happened to become friends with the Mistress I’m with first. We had similar interest and talked about forming a strictly D/s relationship. It has evolved to more since but we’re happy to have found each other. I talked to Kara about her and all she asked was if she could meet her in person with me before a decision was made. They hit it off very well and the rest is history.
    Like you I believe Kara is my soul mate so anyone else is secondary to her. if she told me to end the relationship today I would without a seconds thought.

    If you want to chat more you can email me at Being it’s a shared email with my girlfriend just put a “j-” before any subject and she’ll know the email is for me. I’ll also be glad to send you an invite to my blog which is private if you want. Just need a regular email from you to do so.

    Hope you find what you’re searching for and have a great day.


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