Feeling Like a Freak…

One thing that is really beginning to blow all sorts of donkey balls around here, now that The Boyfriend is no longer interested in kink in anyway, is that every time kinkiness starts showing itself in our sexual lives, he ends up making me feel like a total twisted freak. After all the bitching that went down over the last few days, I was determined that last night was going to be a sex night. I needed to stop being such a cow!

So, I turned on videos of us that we hadn’t watched yet. We had a hoot and a half listening to our commentary around certain porn, he was enjoying all the noises I was making in the videos and we even fast forwarded so that it looked like the whole thing was in stop-motion, which caused more laughing during foreplay than we’d ever had.

After being so long since I had last cum and the tension between us, the sex was relatively quick once we got down to it. We were both incredibly quiet and everything was feeling so good. I kept having to block thoughts of insecurity, but I had expected that. Then, he reached up and put his hand on my throat…

Something about this drives me absolutely over the edge. It takes the sex to a whole other level and makes my entire body feel small and fragile, something that I desperately crave during sex. He doesn’t do it very roughly (though I’d totally like him too), but he just puts his hand there. He rests is there or softly grips my neck and his hand feels like it could break me. Three times of putting his hand to my throat and I was cumming.

While I was cumming and while he began cumming, I was overcome with some sort of emotion. As my body tightened and my face went completely numb, all I could think about was crying. I pouted into his neck as he held me close and I felt extreme sadness wash over me. Then, I felt resentment and wanted to get away from him. After I went to the bathroom and calmed myself down a little bit, we talked about what we enjoyed.

Of course, I brought up the hand on throat thing and how much I enjoyed it. He responded, “I don’t want to say anything. It sounds incredibly twisted!” and I asked, more like pressed, “What do you mean twisted?!?” and flabbergasted he stated, “It sounds screwed up to say I like to choke my girlfriend!” In that moment, I felt like the biggest freak in the entire world as I, full of pissy attitude responded, “It’s not twisted if you’re girlfriend likes it, you weren’t really choking me AND asphyxiation is a recognized fetish and you can even learn how to do it safely!”

He shut his mouth and I was left there to feel like a total freak bag. Like the things that I’m interested in, in the way that I’m interested in them, completely turns him off. Completely disgusts him and scares him. How can I possibly be in this relationship? I’m sick of being teased with things that might hopefully be one day and things that he so obviously isn’t interested in, so why does he drag me along. I’m sick of being in a vanilla relationship where my only option is to just plain enjoy the vanilla sex, never voicing my desires or wants for fear of being treated like a freak! How did I get 4 years into this relationship to only find out now that he is terrified of the type of life I want?!?

I’m incredibly angry about it. I remember awhile back writing a post about how it was kind of a relief to find out what he really thought about this whole thing. Well, I take that back completely. I don’t feel relieved anymore, I feel downright pissed off about it. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have a choice, I am going to get my kink with or without him, but I hate that!! Then again, I hate that I’m neglecting this interest of mine only to be made to feel like a freak for even thinking about it!!

I think this is the first time in our relationship that I am absolutely at a complete loss of what to do about our relationship. I can’t spend another few years of my life without any kink at all. How am I supposed to do that?!? It’s been 12 freaking years already of not getting my kink on and I am so far passed sick of it that it’s not even funny, it’s just plain depressing. If kink were World of Warcraft and the amount of experience you had in kink could be measured in XP, I would have maybe 5 XP, when you’d think a WoW player of 12 years would have reached Level 80 by now… Nope, still just a newbie Level 1. It’s bullshit!

What do I do?!?…