The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Better Feeling Day


I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. First, I got to sleep in a little bit this morning, even though the kids were up shortly after The Boyfriend went to work. But they were relatively good and just watched TV for the most part. When I woke up, I was not in a pissy mood like I have been lately when I’m waking up. Normally, until I get at least a few smokes in me, I’m just overly grumpy, but this morning I seemed to be fine.

The kids and I watched some TV together and then I did a load of dishes before making them lunch. And I was really glad to have gotten that load of dishes out of the way, because now the kitchen is back to half decent and I feel so much better about it. After The Boyfriend got home, I told him he had to take all the garbage out, including the huge pile of pizza boxes that had been piling up. Boy does it ever feel good to get that garbage out of here and two more loads of dishes got done, so now I’m down to one more big bowl to clean and some silverware and then dishes will be done!

The kids were also better today than they’ve been in quite a long time and I felt like we had some really cute moments together, like when Kenzie was trying to spell The Boyfriend’s name or when Kaeidyn was explaining email spam to the boys. The boys also fought way less roughly than they have been lately today, so that made the day that much easier to do, being that no one was crying or bleeding or anything like that.

The Boyfriend’s also been really attentive to this funk that I’ve been in, even though when I’m really deep in it, I hate it and resent him for it – or something like that. I felt angry at him a lot over these last few days, and today, being woken up this morning to kisses before he left for work, just made me realize that I really do love him so much and that he has really been amazing during this whole thing, even if I couldn’t see it or recognize it while it was happening. He’s still not perfect but being that this is probably the first funk that I’ve had in quite a long while, he did a really great job and I thank him for that.

I’ve gotten quite a bit done today on the computer, including writing a few more chapters of The Brighton Tales, though you probably won’t see those for a little bit yet. I’m always amazed with this story how far off it is from anything I’ve ever actually fantasized about, but how much it turns me on when I read it. And I have to say that for a woman whose never had much experience with gay sex, I write it pretty darn good, but that’s just my two cents worth. But I’m very impressed that I finally wrote more, since it’s been on my To Do List for so freaking long!

Other than that, my day has been mostly boring, but good nonetheless. How was your day?


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Wishing for Writer’s Block


As a writer, do you ever have those days where you know your writing is just plain off? It’s not bad per se, but it’s not good either. You hate every single word that you put down, and you feel like nothing you write is flowing properly. If you were to look back on it in a few days, you wouldn’t even recongize it as your own writing!

Today is being one of those days for me. And it’s always such a huge emotional undertaking for me. It’s never as simple as “Geesh, my writing isn’t that great today…”, it’s more dramatic than that. It’s the frustration of it. At least with writer’s block, you know that it’s writer’s block and eventually it will break, you just have to be patient. But when it’s this, whatever this is, your mind is swelling with ideas, but you just can’t get any of them out in a sensible way.

My mind… Full of post ideas! I have tons of them right now. But the second I start writing about any of these ideas, I just get all pissy about how much I’m not liking my writing. I don’t like that it’s taking me forever to get to a point and I hate when it feels like I’m not saying anything you couldn’t read elsewhere. I find everything to be very rambly or that I come off totally way bitchier than I actually am.

I’d rather be frustrated because I can’t come up with anything, instead of frustrated that I can’t write about what’s on my brain without over-critisizing. More issues of your average writer…


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9 Steps Make Me a Candidate for The Worst Blogger on the Planet…


The other day, I was reading through my Google Reader when I ran across a post from Problogger by Karol K of  ThemeFuse titled “13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet”.

I was automatically intrigued and wanted to see if I was, in fact, the worst blogger on the planet. Well, guess what folks? I’m only 4 steps away, and I feel like I should go to a meeting or something…

I have, on multiple occasions (sometimes at every posting), taken some of these steps. And because I’m apparently a sucker for showing off my weaknesses, I’ll re-count all my worst offenses.

**Disclaimer: This is pure entertainment 😉

Step 1: Do no research before writing a post

Check!

Well, I guess I did a little research before writing this post. But for a typical post here on The Rantings, I don’t research much at all. I can name every single post that I ever did research for, and that equals two posts. It’s something that I like doing, so I’m not sure why I don’t do it.

Step 2: Don’t spend longer than 30 seconds on a headline

Check, Check!

I don’t remember the last time I put any serious effort or thought into a headline. My favorite part of this and a suggestion I follow dilligently, “Be honest and make it clear from the get go that there’s nothing interesting in your posts”.  That describes my headlines in a nutshell.

Step 4: Use long paragraphs

Check, Check, Check!

I am the worst for doing this and I always tell myself not to, and then just go right on ahead doing it. When I read this step, I instantly blamed it on my highschool English teachers and every music teacher I ever had. These were the two subjects that I was the best at in school, but the one thing that I could never remember is that a comma that appears in musical lyrics is not the comma that appears in a sentence within a paragraph. So now, I write a comma where I would typically take a breath, should I be speaking my posts to you. It’s a hard habit to break and results in a lot of long paragraphs that seem to run ass end into the other…

Step 5: Write as if you were writing to yourself

I suppose I delve into this one every once and awhile. More like I’m writing in a journal than writing to an audience – assuming I have an audience (shout out to those of you I know about!!).

Step 7: Don’t Edit

I almost never edit my posts initially. I often write in a very spur of the moment kind of way (refer to Step 9), so when it comes to the point where I should be editing, I just hit publish instead. I also find that if I edit right off the bat, I won’t actually publish anything, because my self-criticism gets in my way. And that is definitely not what this blog is for.

I do however, tend to return to posts at a later date and will make any spelling corrections or grammatical errors that I notice, and I even go back and update links every once and awhile!

Step 8: Don’t even profreed

CHECK!!

I just discovered awhile ago that I had been spelling definitely wrong for YEARS!! I have long ignored the squiggly red lines that appear under misspelled words. When I first started using computers on a regular basis (when we first got one in our house!), I was obsessed with making up diseases for all my dolls, so naturally, my computer became the way for me to make medical records for my dolls. But this created a lot of problems where proofreading is concerned, because all of my dolls had the weirdest names and their diseases were even weirder…

Same with fictional stories. Put in the names of the people, and every couple of sentences, you’ve got a red squiggly line. Eventually, when you’re doing spell check, you just start accidentally skipping over misspelled words because you don’t notice it popping up after 50 times of having the person’s name pop up as wrong. And yes, I know you can fix that by adding these names so they don’t appear, but seriously?!?

I also generally tend to think I’m a really great speller. I even won awards for it in school!

Step 9: Post as irregularly as possible

I just have to quote something for you real quick:

“One day, publish two posts one after another; then wait a full two weeks before publishing another post.

Then wait one more month and write a post in which you explain why you’ve been gone, thinking that anyone even noticed. And don’t forget to promise that you’ll be posting more often now.”

Now I ask you, how many times have I done this?!? I even find myself getting tired of it. Awhile back, I had done NaBloPoMo, and posted everyday for a month successfully. It was difficult and exhilarating and I felt more creative than I had in a really long time. So I vowed to carry it on throughout the whole year. 4 days later, that was out the window. Last year, part of my resolutions was to blog everyday for a month again. Not only did I get a late start to the month, but I quit after a short period of time.

This year, it’s the same old story. I want this to change so badly, because I feel better when I’m writing everyday or at least more regularly. It seems to be the hardest thing in the world for me. Even when I schedule time into a calendar for it, it just doesn’t happen…

Step 12: Don’t tell anyone about your blog

Now it’s not really that I’m not telling anyone about my blog, it’s just that I’m not telling the right people. Well, more like I don’t know any of the right people. I’ve told my family about it, and the people I work with (though most of them aren’t even sure what a blog is, so I don’t know why I expect them to be able to find it), but outside of that, I don’t know many people to tell about it. It doesn’t come up in the real world that often.

Online networking, so I can tell online personalities about my blog, is a goal of mine, but something that I’m treading extremely delicately with. I’m a very awkward socializer…

Step 14: Get the count of your list posts wrong

I just did this the other day on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. It took two days before I realized that I had made the mistake and changed it. Thank goodness you can edit posts after you publish them, even if it does make you look a little less credible for those who have caught on… The good news is that I try my best to correct it, so I guess that gives me a little bit of a boost.

So there you go, I am admitting that I am at least partially the worst blogger on the planet. So far, I’m okay with it, and maybe one day I won’t fit into this category at all. I thought this post was hilarious and definitely think you should check it out (and let me know that I’m not alone in the worst blogger on the planet category *smiles*). Thanks for reading!


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A Real Rant!


Man oh man! This whole blogging thing is getting so hard for me. Crazy hard for me. I have changed so much. In the beginning of my blogging, I didn’t care a lick if people didn’t like what I had to say. I wrote whatever I felt like writing with little regard to what people might think or how they might feel about it. Now, it seems like it is totally controlling me and stunting my writing.

I keep starting posts and then I’m like, “Oh, so and so will get upset if they see this!” and then I won’t publish the post. I’ve got about 20 posts that are sitting there half done because I’m worried about what people will think or what they’ll think I think of them or whatever like that. Frankly, I’m sick of censoring myself so much. And yet, here I sit, with all those posts talking about the not-so-happy aspects of my life or of the happy aspects of my life, not publishing any of them, because I don’t want any confrontation. It sucks…

The worst part about the whole thing is I’m constantly in that questioning state of mind. I don’t want to voice opinions, because my opinions are constantly changing, my thoughts are constantly changing. I don’t want to make it sound like I have these formed thoughts, when I know that I don’t.

I’m also having a hard time getting my point across lately. I read through those 2o or so posts that I have sitting there saved, and I just keep thinking that my writing is going downhill. I’m having a much harder time writing about my life lately, than I’ve ever experienced before. Not that I’ve changed my mind about the fact that someone out there might find something in my blog of use in some way, I just am having the hardest time in the world writing about it.

It’s actually really bringing me down. I went from being the girl that wrote in a journal everyday, to the girl that blogged everyday, to what I am now, where I’m maybe writing once a week. Not even! I despise it, because I get so much joy and comfort from writing. I feel like it’s the greatest way that I express myself and lately, I’m just not feeling that at all.

Things have also been a little crazy lately, so writing has taken a huge backseat. Now that I’m working full-time, once I get home, it’s time to make dinner. And then shortly after that, it’s bed time and by that time, all I want to do is be close to The Boyfriend. I’ve been feeling profoundly in love with him lately.

He’s been really truly amazing lately. Not that he hasn’t always been amazing, it’s just that I’m becoming more and more aware of it. Today was the absolute topper of the cake and I have been in awe of him ever since.

We had gone over to my Mom’s for dinner and of course, Chef had to be home from work. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stand her alcoholic boyfriend, especially as they get ready to buy a place together. My brother was also there and while he’s doing 90% better than he’s been for awhile, he’s still just not very smart.

My Mom’s been all stressed out because my brother kept saying that he wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent at the end of the month. He keeps saying that he can “handle being homeless” until he can get a job and save up enough for damage deposit on a place. My Mom is not okay with him being homeless, none of us are, but we’re all hesitant to take him into our homes for any length of time. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a mental institution and was essentially disowned for refusing to take medication or even seeing a counselor…

It gets brought up because he says that he’s got a new job. The brother that’s not so swift, went and gave his notice at his place instead of trying to work something out so that he doesn’t get evicted. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually going to get evicted. I get a little hissy and say something to him about it and within seconds, my Mom is yelling for everyone to just stop talking about it.

Well, her boyfriend can’t keep his alcoholic mouth shut and just kept going off about it. She tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps carrying on. She goes out to the kitchen to “cook dinner”. I go out there to try to be comforting and it blew up in my face like you wouldn’t believe.

She was visibly upset about the conversation and made it very clear that she no longer wanted the discussion to continue. I told her that I wouldn’t stand for his lack of respect for one second. If I were her, I would do more than just politely ask him to stop. She snapped at me to stop but him it’s a nice, “Chef, I’d really like for you to stop now”, to which he completely ignored and just kept on beaking.

She turns around and says something along the lines of she doesn’t think I should be talking when I let Alfie get away with all the shit he gets away with. “It’s not like you stand up to him!”. That was officially my breaking point. I walked away and sat down in front of The Boyfriend and said that as soon as we were done eating, we were leaving. Then, for the first time in months, I burst out into tears.

I just hate when she tries to compare what happened/is happening between Alfie and I with what is happening between her and Chef. Because it’s not the same thing at all. I said something about how I would yell and scream to make him stop and she says something about how with him it’s not worth the waste of breath because it’s not like he’ll stop anyways. And while she’s 100% right, when I was with Alfie, I wasted my breath. I yelled and screamed all the time.

I personally think that if you’re going to choose to stay in a bad relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back and take it. No one should think they are so worthless as to allow someone to disrespect them on a daily basis. It just made me so upset.

I also learnt from the horrible mistake that was Alfie. And, I’ve gone above and beyond to change things between him and I. Argh… Here comes the not getting my point across thing…

The big thing that sticks out in my mind is that I have three kids with Alfie. I worked hard on our relationship constantly, even if he wouldn’t, for the sake of the kids. I went and got myself help on numerous occasions for the sake of the kids and for Alfie and I’s relationship, whether it was apart or together. And I made the ultimate decision to leave the guy and become much more of a hard ass when it came to what I expected of him as the father of my children!

It’s hard to really say what I’m trying to say without hashing out all the shit that went down between Alfie and I, but frankly, it’s pointless and painful. But when my Mom throws it in my face, it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible and stupid person. It makes me feel like a damned fool!

I made a hell of a lot of mistakes for all the wrong reasons and I will pay for that forever. I put my kids in a lot of situations I always said I never would for all the wrong reasons. And I’m doing everything in my power to right those wrongs. When she said that I didn’t stand up to him, it made me so angry.

I kept the kids from talking to him for over a month because he had wronged them. It felt absolutely horrible to do it, but it had to be done. He can’t be a fluctuating force in the kids life, he needs to be a constant. He can’t just choose when it’s most convenient for him to have kids. It’s either he has them or he doesn’t. And I struggle every single day to remember that you don’t just deserve your kids because your sperm produces them, just as I don’t deserve the kids because I carried them. You have to seriously put effort into it!

The big thing for me was that while I may have made a lot of stupid decisions, I never just sat back and took the shit. I tried, in so many ways, to stand up to his shit. It may not have worked and sometimes it back fired horribly, but at least I tried. I wasted more than enough breath. And never did I allow him to disrespect me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen, because it did for a really long time, but I never just sat back and took it. It didn’t matter how drunk or sober he was!

After that comment from her, I was visibly upset and The Boyfriend could tell. The more I thought about it, the more I cried and he was the most perfect and amazing comfort at that moment. He held me close, even though he really had no idea what I was upset about, and as I’ve probably wrote before, he didn’t push me to tell him anything. He waited until I was ready and that felt spectacular. Once he learnt it was an Alfie thing, he quickly transformed into the super-protective boyfriend.

We stepped out on the balcony so that I could bawl my eyes out without worrying about my Mom asking or saying anything. It’s always my breaking point, the one thing that I can’t stand and the one thing that I can never fully express to her the difference between me and Alfie and her and Chef. Somehow in those moments, I felt like The Boyfriend was my protector and savior. Like he was defending my honor. Every single time I try to write it out, it doesn’t sound right at all, so I’m not even going to bother to to try anymore, but it was an incredible feeling and one that I don’t ever remember feeling and one that I hope I don’t ever forget.

Needless to say, it’s been a mushy night with The Boyfriend, a kind of sad night being that Alfie is on my mind and a bit stressful because I’m seriously considering trying to work out a way that, for the week that Chef is in town every month, for the kids to not be around that shit.  Because if I won’t let a toxic man like Alfie be in the kids life on any type of regular visit outside a couple of hours when he comes here, why the heck would I let a toxic alcoholic man like Chef around the kids everyday for a week straight?

Well, there’s my rant. No regrets!