The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Monday Ramblings


The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…


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Cute Story, Good News


So, tonight was a rather funny night. The first time I ever saw the movie “Click”, where Adam Sandler died, I cried my eye balls out. Well, like mother, like daughter, so did Kaeidyn.

As his family gathers around him, Kaeidyn starts pouting just a little bit. Then they start crying and he’s crying, next thing you know she’s right out blubbering. Rubbing at her eyes while The Boyfriend and I try to hide our laughter, and I try to hide my tears. It was such a cute moment.

It’s not the first time she’s cried at a movie, but it’s the first time she’s cried and truly understood why she was crying. The first time she cried during a movie was when we first moved into this house and she watched “Spirit”. I don’t think she really understood why she was crying then, at least not like she did tonight.

All the kids have been doing really quite well. Along with my Mom, they bought me flowers the other day. I had had a really rough couple of days with the kids and they were just being incredibly crazy. Mom picked me up for work and I had just had enough and I was really upset and angry. So Mom talked to the kids, and they went out and bought me flowers while I was at work, and when I came home they ushered me into the kitchen to a bouquet of flowers. They were really good for the rest of the night too, which just made it that much better!

More good news is that The Boyfriend has officially been bumped up to full-time!! We’ve been hoping that it would happen for a really long time, and it finally did. We’re both so relieved and so excited. He’s loving his job, I’m loving my job, so work is finally good!

A couple posts back, I had written about being all worried about my brother and my Mom because of my brother. Well, I’m very happy to say that that worry has now been taken care. After spending a little longer than a week in the hospital, Goober was successfully moved into a group home, where he is so far doing really good. They tested him for schizophrenia and so far that is a no-go, so they’re still saying it’s non-specific psychosis, though Goober and I were talking the other night and he pointed out that it could be Seasonal Affective Disorder, since it only seems to happen during these months. I told him to discuss it with his psychiatrist.

My sister came down for a short weekend visit last weekend and that was really great. We went clothes shopping (which I don’t get to do often enough, though sadly it was a horrible experience for me, but picking out clothes for her to try on was super fun!), and it was all around a good time. Looks like she’ll be back in July.

In online news, well there’s not really too much here honestly. I’ve kind of been slacking this week. I’ve got a lot that’s in the “Work In Progress” stage and nothing at the completion stage. I started a new blog called Valerie Rayne’s Randomness. And it’s a very random slice of the web. From my favorite quotes, to some of my favorite YouTube videos, and my answers to Formspring questions, plus a whole bunch more, it’s just literally a bunch of randomness.

I’ve also been reading my Google Reader religiously and seriously delighting in it. I love that I’m the only person I know who has any idea what’s going on in the online world. It makes for rather boring conversation, but I feel far superior than most in at least one area of my life.

Other than that, my week has been pretty boring. I sleep, I stare at my computer screen, I work for a short time and then I stare at my computer screen more. Starting Monday, life should be a little more exciting as I start walking to and from work.

At first I was oober bummed about it and almost mad at my Mom for it, and then I started thinking that I’ve been complaining for months about wanting to lose this baby belly, what better way than to start walking! It’s not like work is that far, and the only part I can see being a big problem is this large hill that I have to walk up when I come home. Other than that, I think it’s going to be fun and if I lose some of the 30 lbs. that I want to lose this year, I’ll be really incredibly happy.

Oh yeah, for anybody who has previously checked out my Stay Connected page to be greeted with blankness, it’s no longer blank. What is on there is mostly a draft, though all the links work. Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to make it look a little better. One step at a time…