The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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I Got Shot…


Last night, The Boyfriend and I were laying on the bed watching Stargate SG-1, when a loud rapping began at the door. The Boyfriend went over to answer the door and since we couldn’t see anything, he yelled, “Who is this?”. The person on the other side of the door just kept screaming, “Let me in, let me in!”. Since it was the middle of the night, we weren’t about to just open up our door. I raced over to the phone and called the police as the banging got louder and louder.

The Boyfriend yelled at him, “We’ve called the cops, we have small children in here, go away!”, but he persisted. The yelling and banging became more frantic and then you could hear the first crack of the door frame. I told the cop on the phone, “They’re coming in here”, I screamed it at her. Another crack, The Boyfriend was using his entire body to keep the door shut but the final crack was too much and the first guy comes barreling into the house.

Another guy comes in right behind him with what looks like a gun in his hand and another guy comes in behind him with a baseball bat.. 10 or 11 shots go off in the first second that he’s in here. The first guy falls on the floor and the other 2 guys that had come in behind him begin shooting him with what is now obviously a BB gun. I was behind the wall, not able to see anything as I’m talking to the police and begging the lady to hurry up and get here. The Boyfriend is on the bed, holding and protecting Carter, watching the whole thing go down in front of him.

After I yelled out that the cops were on the way and after the guy on the floor was bleeding pretty good, the guys with the gun and baseball bat turned and walked out of the house. The guy on the floor got up and ran down to my basement until the cops got here. 6 or 8 cops showed up at our front door and a bunch at the back door. As I was giving my statement to the cop, I noticed that my chest felt incredibly itchy and sore. I pulled down the front of my shirt and right on my upper right breast, there is a mark from the BB. I got freaking shot last night…

My BB Gun Hole

My BB Gun Hole

My worst fear entirely, bad guys breaking into my house, was 100% realized last night.

After the bleeding guy had been taken up to the hospital and after the 2 other guys had run off (hopefully never to be seen again), and after The Boyfriend and I had each given our seperate statements to the cops, it was now time to clean up the blood and come down from the craziness of the night. It took us forever!!

Right away we cracked open Smirnoff Ice’s. We both regalled the tale of what we had just experienced to each other, checked each other out for injuries – he also got a cut and bruised thumb from holding the door and then it was as if the guilt had set in. He felt bad for not coming closer to me and “protecting” me, I felt terrible for not even being aware of the kids at that particular moment and only thinking about getting the cops here. We both felt like we could’ve and should’ve dealt with that so much differently.

At the same time, we were incredibly thankful that it had happened the way it happened and that we were both okay. A lot of “Could you imagine if…”‘s were thrown around, especially about that gun being real. We rigged the door up so that we could lay down in bed, we slammed another Smirnoff Ice and then we gripped onto each other as we drift off to sleep – which came as a huge surprise to me. You’d think that after I just went through my biggest most scary experience, I’d have a hard time getting to sleep, but the alcohol had reached just the right place…


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Kaeidyn’s Tude and Great Talk With Mom


10 more comments and I’ve reached 200! That’s pretty exciting, though I bet half of those are from me…

I woke up this morning, in a pretty rotten mood. First, Kaeidyn threw a hissy fit over a shirt that she couldn’t find. I, of course, didn’t completely understand what her issue was being that she was wearing a perfectly fine shirt. So that was step one to a rotten mood. And the whining about this shirt lasted all morning until they finally left for school. I was so upset by this stupid fight first thing in the morning, I decided I was going back to bed.

It took me forever to start falling back asleep, which was a good sign in all honesty. Lately, I’ve been finding it too easy to fall asleep. So I was quite happy that it wasn’t coming easily and that I laid there quite awake for quite awhile. Then, Carter came and snuggled with me and within minutes I was falling back to sleep. Unfortunately, I had not realized that along the way, my alarm clock got unplugged. I woke up just in time to get Keirnan ready for school, but was concerned that I didn’t have enough time to get him to school. I called Mom to see if she’d be willing to drop him off and she was.

While the house isn’t that messy, the kitchen is, but the house in general isn’t, my Mom right away started in on me. Not so much about the mess as it was about how dark it was in here even though the sun was shining bright and she could tell that it was taking it’s toll on me. She said it was obvious that I was feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed. I hadn’t even really realized it, but when she said it, it made sense. She made me open my curtain in the living room (which hasn’t been done since they got put up weeks ago) and forced me to open a window, even though the whole time I was saying it wasn’t necessary.

By the way I feel now, she was definitely right! I always think it’s amazing how Mom’s can do this kind of stuff. I’m always shocked when my Mom’s right about things, I seriously don’t know what it is. It’s just too bad that her advice never seems to work for her, because she is majorly stressed out or depressed. She knows it too but it’s more out of her control than my overwhelmed and depressed is…

We had a nice long talk after Keirnan got to school and that was really good. I hope for her as much as it was for me. I enjoy when we can just talk like we did and everything just feels good afterwards. I vent, she vents, we catch up on things and reminisce about other things. I definitely walk away from these talks feeling better about just about everything.

Then, I played on the computer and checked out a video that Carter and The Boyfriend had made last night and then it was time to go pick up the kids from school. Boy is it ever a nice day out today. I wore my sweater and my jacket, thinking I would be too cold because it looked windy out, but it was warm as heck. Almost all of the snow has melted and the sun is shining bright and it felt really good to go for that walk.

Had another bit of a tiff with Kaeidyn on the walk home about her backpack and her having to plan to have friends come over to the house, not just randomly deciding without asking any parents. I spent half the walk home lecturing her about her terrible attitude and her promising me it would stop, as long as she got to keep her backpack in her room. So sick of all the arguing happening with her. It seems like the only time her and I communicate is when we’re mad at each other and when our attitudes are in high gear. It’s exhausting and completely un-fun.

Well, that’s pretty much life in a nutshell right now. How’s your Monday going?


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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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Yesterday Was a Fluke


Well, after the positive and productive day that I had yesterday, today has been less than that. I woke up this morning feeling dreadfully tired and the kids’ offered to walk themselves to school. I let them do that and they did a great job. No phone calls from the school and I saw Kenzie today when I dropped Keirnan off, having a great time with all his new school friends. But I felt like crap!

Then, it’s freaking freezing cold out. It’s 12 degrees but it feels much colder with all the wicked wind we’re having. It’s making me most grumpy of all. My hands hurt from the cold, my body feels like it’s constantly on shiver mode and it’s making me dread my walk to and from the school. I’m not looking forward to winter this year.

I need to kick The Boyfriend’s ass into gear about a few things around the house here and that’s making me more upset than usual. I just keep thinking back to the beginning of our relationship with his comments about “I’ve got a budget” and “I’ll take care of you“, to what we’re at now and I feel like I’m the force behind The boyfriend’s becoming crappy with their money, their goals, their everything! It took Alfie 4 years, but that guy’s starting to get his life on track now that he doesn’t have me and all my kids really in his life. The Boyfriend, doing all great and wonderful and then the kids and I come into his life and it seems like none of that was ever real.

We were supposed to go weeks ago to change my bank account to a joint account and shut down his account. It’s costing us a lot of money in fees running both accounts, and his are always WAY higher than mine, it’s hard for us to pay bills when I pay all of them online and his money isn’t directly coursing through there. But something always gets in the way of our perfect little plans. He was supposed to call the utilities and put my name on them so that I could talk to them, but he hasn’t. So when Telus called today and I tried telling them that we’ll be paying them off on Friday, they basically said that he’d have to call and tell them that. Which is just that much harder when unless someone is leaning on his shoulder reminding him, he can’t remember that stuff during his work day…

I’m stressing, if you can’t tell. I don’t know why I’m stressing, I just am. Today feels like a day full of pressure and I feel like again, all the weight is directly on my shoulders. Like if I make one tiny mistake the whole world will crash down around me. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time. It’s like I can’t let myself just be happy or satisfied. I’m determined, apparently, to keep myself in the negatives and the horrible destruction and the bad ju-ju…


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Noisy


This morning was one of the best, when all the kids woke up early this morning and I was not in anyway wanting to get out of the bed. The Boyfriend, who hasn’t done this in awhile, got up with them and kept them quiet so that I could sleep in. It was definitely nice and very much appreciated, even though I still feel absolutely exhausted.

I’ve been awake for about two hours now and I feel like I’ve already had a very long day. First, I turn on music and jump on Facebook and I just have so much different varying opinions on there that I leave Facebook feeling incredibly confused. I mean, we’ve got pictures with the galaxy and one little spec on it, “You are here. So don’t worry so much” kind of thing and then we’ve got another picture two seconds later, saying something about how Armageddon is coming and we need to be worried and that’s just blaring. It’s about everything on there too, not just the end of the world kind of stuff. Relationships, politics, religion, cultures. And it’s so much freaking noise.

Then, I jump over to Twitter and see all these people who are my idols (in an online sense) and I start clicking links and begin thinking that everything about my online stuff needs to change, and that just makes me angry. It’s like losing weight for me. I know what it’s going to take to get there, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It makes me wonder how serious I am about it and then I spend so much of my day stressing out about it.

Man, am I ever rambling today… I just have a lot of stuff on my mind. And I still have to get the oomph up to clean today… Blargh!!


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Totally Unprepared


So, even though I stayed up late to make the kids’ lunches last night and made them one heck of an amazing lunch and even though I was up on time this morning and even though we got to the school early, I still went in to the first day of school feeling absolutely and completely unprepared.

Firstly, we get to the school and you have to go to the gym to find out which class your kids are in. So, we find out the teachers name and now there’s no way for us to know where these teachers are! Luckily, we found a lady who was able to direct us where we needed to go. But then we get there and they don’t bother to tell you how they want their school supplies prior to going to school, so you’re rushing around trying to get everything in a bag and labeled because you just weren’t sure the night before.

It just ended up being a huge stressful gong show that I wish could’ve been avoided. If my kids had went to that school last year, it probably would’ve been a relatively smooth morning, but I left feeling defeated and completely unprepared. I hate that! We got through it though and now Kenzie and Kaeidyn are in their classrooms with their new teachers and Keirnan goes back this afternoon!

It’s definitely a long walk to get to the school and I can’t believe that I’m going to be doing it three times a day. If I don’t lose some of this 45 pounds during this school year, I am going to be some kind of angry. All I kept saying during our walk this morning was that we need a vehicle and it seems to be pointed out to me much more lately. Once money straightens out, I am going to get my license period!

I had my learner’s back when I was 16, just never went for my road test to graduate into the next level of the program, so my license expired and I haven’t gone back and gotten one. I psyche myself out for it too much and start freaking out that I’m going to fail. I didn’t fail my first one, I actually passed and got a pretty high score and I generally pride myself on being a knowledgeable and good driver, but that was almost 10 years ago! Holy crap… I am so old!!!

And don’t even get me started on how old I am. My hair is quickly turning gray and brittle, which is causing me more stress than I ever thought it would. If my hair wasn’t so long and unhealthy already, I probably wouldn’t mind. But I feel like it just makes me look SO much older. I’m turning 26 this year (which reminds me, I need to get working on my birthday post for this year!) and I swear I look like I’m 40 and if I don’t actually look it, I definitely feel it!!

I always thought I’d enjoy getting older, right up until I had to start wearing diapers, but it is just not working out that way…


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She’s a Maniac, Maniac


Tonight’s project: The kids are making me file folders for their school stuff. Each of them gets a file to color and all their paperwork for the school year will go into it. Carter’s making one too, even though he’s not going to school, but I imagine him and I will get creative and figure something out to put in it. It’s kind of the first craft that they’re doing with me. Normally, they do it at Mom’s house and it stays there. Brilliant idea I might say!

Today was supposed to be a day full of cleaning for me but I didn’t do nearly as much as I had hoped because the kids were completely out of control today. They’re so excited about going back to school and the birthdays that are upcoming, that it’s utter chaos around here. No one’s listening, they’re all being incredibly loud and argumentative and the boys’ are constantly having power trips and play housing too roughly. If someone’s not crying, they’re screaming and if they’re not screaming, they’re making one of a million other sounds that make the inside of your brain tingle.

I did get some cleaning done and even made the kids do more cleaning today than they’ve had to in awhile. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as much of a fight as it normally is. The only one of the kids that I trust at all to do dishes and not make an epic mess and actually get the dishes cleaned to at least 75% of my standard, above and beyond The Boyfriend, is Kaeidyn. I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my dishes and often find flaws in other people’s cleanliness standard (including those who say they have a standard), and she’s the only one that makes the grade, so far. But, she started losing interest in doing the dishes and didn’t like that it was always her chore. Then Kenzie started asking to do the dishes and almost like magic, she decided she wanted to do the dishes today.

And Kenzie, who is normally the biggest pain in the butt to really get cleaning, got in trouble for doing something and was sentenced to cleaning the downstairs bathroom floor. We had just recently gotten a Swiffer Sweeper Vac, so the kids were all wanting to try it. Needless to say, there was no fighting about cleaning the bathroom floor. And because the Swiffer doesn’t do as great of a job as I’d like it to, I made him sweep it with the broom first. Now though, I have to charge the Swiffer, so can’t finish the big clean I was planning for anyways…

Not that a big majority hasn’t already or isn’t getting done today. After the kids are done their project, their going to bed and then The Boyfriend and I will spend sometime cleaning up whatever’s left. Again luckily, he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so keeping him up late isn’t a huge deal. Hopefully that means that after the stressful day that I’ve had today and after the sweaty cleaning of the night, we’ll get to spend some adult alone time together, which will be wonderful.

But for now, I’m going to sit back and eat some ice cream, maybe color a folder of my own and then commence the night-time cleaning marathon. Goodnight!