The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?


Tonight, as I lounged in a hot bath chowing down on cucumber (which I’ve been craving lately, that and other fruits and veggies, something that never happens for me…) and reading some Sherlock Holmes, I started thinking about all these things I want to do with my life and all the things that I want to get done and have. And in the past, I’ve frequently said that it would be easier if The Boyfriend would just set rules for me that would result in punishments and rewards and blah blah blah…

As I said, just a few days ago, I’ve become really complacent about his interest in the whole thing. Tonight though, I started thinking about how I could just do it all for myself. I could make the rules and punish myself if I don’t do them, and reward myself if I do. A lot of my kinks can be done mostly alone and the ones that can’t, well it really doesn’t make a difference at this point in my life – either way, I’ll be getting more than I’ll be losing!

I laid for a little longer, my face turning red from the heat of the water, and began thinking “Hey dumbass, you just recently put a program on the computer that will even help you do this whole thing. You could pick how you want to look each day of the week and change the permissions, you could randomize the punishments so that you never know what you’re going to get and most importantly, you can keep track of it all” and immediately, I went about thinking up all the permissions and rules and punishments I could give myself and still keep it kinky and sexual, so that in a way, I was being my very own Dominant.

And then it occurred to me, and I bolted up out of the water and pondered, “I… My own Dominant….”!

To this very moment, I cannot tell you how I feel about this. I mean, isn’t that basically just life. It makes me feel like a total genius and a total moron all at the same time. The total moron aspect is that that is exactly what we all are. We are all the dominants of ourselves. We control our actions, we make rules based off of literally everything for ourselves and we reward and punish ourselves in whichever way we deem necessary. We are our own dominants… And it’s just ridiculous that I can’t think of life that way and not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t.

I also feel like doing this is the absolute form of topping from the bottom, something that I personally wouldn’t like to do. I mean, you are literally being the dominant to your own self as a submissive. It feels like topping from the bottom… Wouldn’t it? And at what point do I become okay enough for myself to do that so that I can get some kinky pleasure? Ugh, it’s just a ton of questions.

So then, I get out of the bath and begin to prep my nails for painting (pics to come) and then, an entirely new thought springs to me and seriously people, tell me if it totally sucks, okay?

You, people of the internet, could be my very own Dominant(s). I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week. You could decide what my punishment for that action could be. Then, through the program and this blog, we could easily go about tracking my behavior, creating goals together and having tons of fun a long the way. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now either a) Val doesn’t like online submission (as I’m sure I’ve said somewhere before) OR b) Why not just get one single online Dominant?, to which I will refer you to point A. And the biggest reason why I don’t like online submission is not because I’m absolutely against it, it’s strictly because to The Boyfriend it is still cheating and to me, it’s cheating.

Surely, it’s not the same if it’s a handful of blog readers or social network followers and really, it shouldn’t hurt anyone if the benefits are that I might actually accomplish something… (Comment with your thoughts…)

But I want it to be kinky 😉


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I’m Back and I’m Reading!


Well, I’m finally back online… It only took forever and a day!! And to think, if our internet provider had actually not sent my modem (which they weren’t supposed to), I’d still have at least 3 days left of the hell of no internet. This time wasn’t nearly as bad as other times have been, but that’s probably because I had just finished buying myself a whole whack of books.

And man oh man, did I ever hit the jackpot there. First, we went to Coles and I got The Last Nude and One Big Happy Family. The Last Nude, I finished in a day or two and was a little disappointed at the ending and One Big Happy Family I am still dissecting, because just a day or two later, we went to Value Village and I got tons more books!

So now, I’m a few chapters away from the end of Middlesex, which is an amazing story! It took me awhile to get into the book, but now that I’m as far as am I, I can’t seem to put it down. I also got the The Gendered Society Reader, which is proving to be a wonderful resource on gender and the male-dominated world in which we live and a huge Sir Arthur Conan Doyle book with 5 or 6 different stories including Sherlock Holmes – which has been on my list of things to read forever now!

I love how much I love to read. I love how much satisfaction I get from starting and finishing a book, especially if it’s a good read. And I love that I’m the type of book reader who never really sticks to one type of book. I like to go between the genres. Really, half the time when I’m picking a book, I pick on the cover alone. If the cover catches my eye, and the little quip about the book sounds decent and at least one sentence from a random page in the book is good, then I’ll most likely grab the book.

In other news, The Boyfriend and I recently bought all the kids’ Leapster Explorer’s for Kenzie’s birthday. We were originally just going to get Kenzie one, but figured it would cut down on a whole heck of a lot of fighting if we got all the kids one. Two days later, Kaeidyn’s screen got busted (not her fault) and after being played non-stop, there is only one that hasn’t had it’s batteries die yet. We did get a charger for them, just haven’t set it up yet.

I’m enjoying the quietness these devices have brought me. It’s no longer, twenty times a day, “Can I play a game?”, because they can now just grab their explorers and play. It definitely reduces a huge part of daily stress. It’s also good because they are really educational games. Keirnan gets a kick out of learning how to draw the letters on them, Kenzie is getting better at his math thanks to Cars 2 and it’s been all around really great. I’m enjoying them!

I was pretty disappointed today when getting the internet back up and running, to discover that the money that I transferred into my PayPal account so that I could upgrade Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, couldn’t be used to upgrade the account because apparently Spruz likes to make things pretty difficult that way. I can’t just have a PayPal account hooked to my bank account, I have to add a credit card and guess who doesn’t have a credit card?!? I’m surprised I’m not more peeved about it right now, but I figure that I’ll figure something out sooner rather than later. Give me a day or two…

I’ve got a to-do list right now that will not stop growing, no matter how hard I try. I gotta find out about getting the kids into the dentist, especially Kaeidyn since she’s been having problems with one of her teeth. My house is still a complete disaster and I’m surprised that it’s not bringing me down more. We’ve been working on, but can’t seem to make any sort of real dent in it. Maybe because the mess makers are always here…

And don’t even get me started on all the things that I need to get done now that I’m back up and running online. I hate neglecting that stuff for so long, because it seems to take me so long to get back into my groove. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day than today has been so far and hopefully I’ll figure out this site upgrade thing…

Well, it’s good to be back folks!