The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


I’m Too Young to Feel Old…

So, I promised I’d post something and I think it’s time…

I am officially going on record to say that it is damn hard trying to raise a family in any sort of constructive manner while working closer to full-time. A lot has gone on in the last few weeks job-wise and it’s being a major adjustment for everyone and now, my stress levels are through the roof.

First, at my job, we’ve moved into a new office. It’s been a major transition already, what with my original boss quitting and gaining a new one, that I’m not very comfortable with. We haven’t found a flow that works for us, and work is often this major battle to go to every single day.

They’ve officially asked me to start working 6 hours a day, Monday to Friday. I’ve kind of just been leaving when I’m all done my work, since I was originally hired on as part-time. I’ve been asked to stay later essentially to babysit my boss – which is great, because it means that they trust me enough to babysit a grown man, but it’s sucky too because now I’ll have to spend even longer on a day-to-day basis with a job I’m quickly falling out of love with.

The Boyfriend has gotten promoted to backroom manager and that’s been really great for him. Albeit, he stresses out a lot about work and takes his job very seriously, it’s nice that he’s getting to where he wants to be. Where he’s been working so hard on getting. I’m really insanely proud of him and happy for him. It’s nice to finally be with a guy who looks like he has a future in the job market.

But it’s put a huge strain on our home life. Nothing that’s really affecting anything right now, but I forsee it. As it was, he was working hard enough before that he was exhausted by the time he got home from work. Now, he comes home and he just wants to veg. Which would be fine and dandy, if we didn’t have 4 kids destroying the house all day…

Which brings us to the entire point of this entry…

These darn kids, I’m telling you, are aging me at a great speed. Today has made me feel like a little old woman, trapped in a little old shoe! It’s a darn good thing that I’m not the type of Mom who got all uppity and rushed my kids to the hospital every time they fell down, or this weekend would already have more than one trip. The kids are just not getting a long lately.

Carter is at this horrible stage where he’s constantly instigating fights with the other kids. And he’s a tough little guy, and will fight back quite hard. He’s still not stronger than the other kids, though he puts in a mighty effort, which often results in him getting hurt. Yesterday, as they were all play fighting on the bed – something that is at least a twice-a-day occurence, Carter got kicked in the back and bounced off a wall, causing his lip to begin bleeding. He takes it like such a champ, crying until he gets cuddles and then jumping in for more!

This morning, as they were all play-fighting again, somehow Carter got nail polish dumped in his eye. This was after they painted everyone’s nails, plus a couple toys… They pull each other’s hair upstairs and steal each other’s toys and the constant screaming that goes on is making me go deaf in one ear. I feel like I’ve had a permanent headache for days now, and Tylenol just isn’t cutting it anymore.

It’s become so intense being a mom of four. I know you’re all saying what everyone always says, “Well, what did you expect it was going to be like?!?”… I don’t know what I expected it to be like. I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew it was going to be this all encompassing permanent roller coaster. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I got pregnant. What can I say? Sometimes, I think, if I could go back and do it over again, I would. Other times, that doesn’t fit into what I want to be. I don’t want to be the type of person who has regrets and is thinking about how much greener the grass is on the other side. I don’t want that to be me. But sometimes, that part just sneaks out.

I know to get things to settle down with the kids and life in general, I need to take some serious steps to make that happen. Things that I’ve dipped my toes into the water with, but never got all the way in. But it all seems so out of reach and so impossible. Like creating a routine. Getting up at the same time of day, every day and making the kids 3 meals a day everyday. Doing more activities with them and creating more boundaries and rules and disciplinary actions that are consistent. I know what I have to do, but for some reason, I can’t make it work.

Creating a routine has to be the absolute hardest for me. Making myself do the dishes every day, getting the energy up to clean once a day, keeping organized enough to remember where the kids newsletters from school got put. The simplest of things seem to be like a huge feat for me. Most of the time, I don’t even think about it. It doesn’t even cross my mind that those simple things would help tremendously, but when it does cross my mind, it feels like it did when I was bogged down by depression.

No matter how much I want to be motivated, I can’t seem to force myself to be. When I was depressed, no matter how hard I fought to just get out of bed in the morning, it was like this huge weight was holding me back from getting up. And while I wouldn’t say that I feel depressed, I definitely feel like something’s holding me back.

Pardon my lack of grammar in this post…