The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?


Tonight, as I lounged in a hot bath chowing down on cucumber (which I’ve been craving lately, that and other fruits and veggies, something that never happens for me…) and reading some Sherlock Holmes, I started thinking about all these things I want to do with my life and all the things that I want to get done and have. And in the past, I’ve frequently said that it would be easier if The Boyfriend would just set rules for me that would result in punishments and rewards and blah blah blah…

As I said, just a few days ago, I’ve become really complacent about his interest in the whole thing. Tonight though, I started thinking about how I could just do it all for myself. I could make the rules and punish myself if I don’t do them, and reward myself if I do. A lot of my kinks can be done mostly alone and the ones that can’t, well it really doesn’t make a difference at this point in my life – either way, I’ll be getting more than I’ll be losing!

I laid for a little longer, my face turning red from the heat of the water, and began thinking “Hey dumbass, you just recently put a program on the computer that will even help you do this whole thing. You could pick how you want to look each day of the week and change the permissions, you could randomize the punishments so that you never know what you’re going to get and most importantly, you can keep track of it all” and immediately, I went about thinking up all the permissions and rules and punishments I could give myself and still keep it kinky and sexual, so that in a way, I was being my very own Dominant.

And then it occurred to me, and I bolted up out of the water and pondered, “I… My own Dominant….”!

To this very moment, I cannot tell you how I feel about this. I mean, isn’t that basically just life. It makes me feel like a total genius and a total moron all at the same time. The total moron aspect is that that is exactly what we all are. We are all the dominants of ourselves. We control our actions, we make rules based off of literally everything for ourselves and we reward and punish ourselves in whichever way we deem necessary. We are our own dominants… And it’s just ridiculous that I can’t think of life that way and not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t.

I also feel like doing this is the absolute form of topping from the bottom, something that I personally wouldn’t like to do. I mean, you are literally being the dominant to your own self as a submissive. It feels like topping from the bottom… Wouldn’t it? And at what point do I become okay enough for myself to do that so that I can get some kinky pleasure? Ugh, it’s just a ton of questions.

So then, I get out of the bath and begin to prep my nails for painting (pics to come) and then, an entirely new thought springs to me and seriously people, tell me if it totally sucks, okay?

You, people of the internet, could be my very own Dominant(s). I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week. You could decide what my punishment for that action could be. Then, through the program and this blog, we could easily go about tracking my behavior, creating goals together and having tons of fun a long the way. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now either a) Val doesn’t like online submission (as I’m sure I’ve said somewhere before) OR b) Why not just get one single online Dominant?, to which I will refer you to point A. And the biggest reason why I don’t like online submission is not because I’m absolutely against it, it’s strictly because to The Boyfriend it is still cheating and to me, it’s cheating.

Surely, it’s not the same if it’s a handful of blog readers or social network followers and really, it shouldn’t hurt anyone if the benefits are that I might actually accomplish something… (Comment with your thoughts…)

But I want it to be kinky 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Punished…


It seems like almost all day today, I’ve been thinking about and fantasizing about punishment in an erotic sort of way… It’s gotten increasingly stronger all day and that last episode of Star Trek (Voyager, Season 3, Episode: Favorite Son) pushed it straight over the edge as a group of women bonded themselves to another male with black sashes on his wrists, eyes and mouth.

Kink in general has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I have a craving at least once a day for a spanking – it’s been so damn long since I’ve had one that I almost don’t even remember what it feels like or why I seriously enjoy it… At least twice this week alone I’ve felt angry that I’ve spent money on a flogger and a crop that never gets used…

Unfortunately, no matter how much I beg or how much I ask for it or how much we discuss it, it seems like we never ever get closer to the sort of relationship dynamic I long for. It probably wouldn’t even bother me so much if he’d just show a little tiny bit of interest.

Lately, all I’ve been able to think about is being punished. Being caned for my disobedience, or being put in the corner or not being allowed to make eye contact or something… I want us to have rules that I have to listen to or it will result in punishment, period with no exceptions. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, but we would figure out a way to make it work and be hella erotic all at the same time.

It would be so hot if say one of the rules was that I had to have some area of the house cleaned by a certain time. If I didn’t have it done by that time, then he would whisper in my ear that as soon as the kids are asleep, I will be punished for my wrong doing. Then after all the kids are asleep, wham! I get the punishment and am taught a valuable lesson about why I should listen to the rules. When you listen, you get rewards, rewards full of pleasure.

I wonder if it’s even worth it to keep dreaming of this stuff. I’ve made my vanilla bed and now I have to lie in it. Part of me feels like I should just forget about all my interests in kink, because it’s really getting me nowhere. The other part of me remembers how wonderful it was getting it for that short period of time and it’s fighting me to hold onto it… I hate feeling confused about my sexuality in this way, because I’m normally so sure, but lately, not so much. I feel like I’m so stuck in this in-between type of place, and it’s frustrating.