The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Before She Cheats…


At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…


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Musing


I so desperately want to upload videos to my YouTube channel, like terribly badly, but I seriously suck at this piano thing. Every single time I play, in the moment, I’m like “Oh yeah, this is my jam!” and then I listen back to it and it just sounds like utter crap!!

I sat in front of my computer for the last 2 1/2 hours, rocking out with my Casio. And I sucked…

I want to put something on  YouTube for everyone and I just can’t bring myself to let anyone witness this crap. I even have a slight issue with The Boyfriend listening again, since I made him suffer the first time around…

And man oh man, how does he do it?!? I would be so annoyed by listening to all these songs slowed down and butchered and just tortured and beaten black and blue. I miss my freaking guitar!!!!!

See, the issue is that I’m too old to learn this stuff by myself now. And while I know that that’s a lie, if I really dedicated myself to it I could learn this freaking instrument, I just can’t bring myself to get any better. I’ve been practicing every once and awhile and every time I think I’m starting to get the hang of something, it just slaps me in the face every time I watch these videos.

I figured it wouldn’t sting so much if I waited a longer period in between when I played and when I watched the video, and it doesn’t. Simply, for an absolute matter of fact, I am just better with wind instruments like the bassoon and stringed instruments like the guitar and I’m pissed that I don’t have either of those things…

I miss my guitar…

P.S. If you didn’t know, the title to this post, “Musing” is an homage to my most beloved guitar, she was a beauty and the story behind her is a little romantic. You wanna hear it?

Okay, for those of you who stuck around.

The Boyfriend and I had been dating a few months when my birthday rolled around. He insisted that I get a babysitter on the day and told me we were going for a ride. He begins driving through the industrial area of town and I’m getting more and more confused as to where we’re going and why we’re in this part of town. He pulls up to a building and all I see is a sign about something to do with audio, that’s it.

As he pulls open the door, I am greeted by a wall of guitars. Electrics, acoustics, steel and my jaw drops. He puts his hand on my neck (like we did when we were out in public back then) and tells me, “Pick one” – total Cinderella moment. We spent hours there, me trying to find the perfect sound, him trying to act interested. When I picked up my Muse, I knew she was the one.

I can’t even remember what kind of guitar it was, except that it was an electric/acoustic. But she was beautiful and as soon as I got her home, I was writing songs. I wrote a good deal of songs on my Muse – of course, none of which I can remember. And then…

I did not take good enough care of her. If I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve created an untouchable shrine for her. Alas, I left her where the kids could touch her and slowly over time, she broke. It took me years to finally throw her in the garbage and I’m sure I cried the day that I did…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Porn and Fisting


So, last night… Last night…

It started as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work. I had been trying to watch a movie on Netflix all day and could not get everyone quiet enough to be able to hear it. Luckily, bedtime wasn’t far away and I was able to finish “After Porn Ends”.

For a long time, as some of you are probably aware, I’ve wanted to do porn. Since the very first time I watched porn. I’ve also recently been propositioned by two different people who would be interested in helping me at least put a portfolio together, again something I’m incredibly interested in.

I’ve told The Boyfriend about my interests from the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve been honest and open about every proposition since they started. So last night, after spending all day messaging back and forth, asking tons of questions with my photographer friend, I said to The Boyfriend, “I really want to do porn!”, to which he hastily responded something along the lines of, “You can’t!”.

I spent the rest of the night in the most terrible funk and I have this feeling that it’s going to last awhile. First of all, I hate that we don’t have a conversation about this. It’s one sentence from each of us and in those sentences, there isn’t any room for negotiation. I hate that we can’t even hypothetically discuss boundaries and limitations and just our feelings about it in general.

I also hate that all these things that he knew I was interested in having as part of my life from the very beginning of our relationship, are being completely neglected because he makes the decision that they should be. I came into this relationship saying that I wanted to be in porn, that I wanted kink as a real and physical part of my life,that I wanted to leave the vanilla existence behind. I laid it all out for him and I’ve been flat out denied it all.

It makes me feel all sorts of negative things about him, about me, about our relationship. It makes me feel hopeless and disappointed and terribly sad. This is not what I signed up for. I did not sign up for never getting a spanking again, I did not sign up for having someone else dictate what I can and cannot do with my body, I did not sign up for constantly having my desires denied…

Part of me wants to tell him, “It’s my body, my life, my choice and you can either support me and what I want or you cannot – in which case, we have some important discussions to have and decisions to make.”. But that’s not the way I want to deal with it. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum…

I want him to open up his mind a little bit and actually put more than two seconds of thought into these decisions. I want him to actually be curious about my interests before just shutting them down. I want him to think about how his automatic no’s are affecting me and more than that, our relationship. I want us to actually talk about it all.

I spent all night making it known that I was not impressed, that I was upset. We watched another movie about porn and throughout the movie, I would make snarky comments about my desire to do these pictures, but nothing more was said on his part.

After the movie, we got ready for bed and I was completely taken aback when his hand traveled to my leg and began gently caressing it. He grabbed my legs and pulled them open, frantically working his hand around the treasures that lie within. Even though I was heartbroken and upset, I was not about to turn down sex…

His cock was raging and within seconds, his hand was utterly drenched in all my wetness. Slowly, he added another finger and another finger, until he had his entire hand inside of me. I thought it was so weird, because just the night before we had been talking about fisting and how much neither of us was really interested in it and here we were, a night later doing exactly that…

It reminded me so much of our first time trying anal. He kept checking in, “Are you okay?”, and his whole demeanor was gentle, caring, and absolutely sexy. He knelt down and worked his hand more and it felt intense, but then he introduced his tongue in the mix. My pussy was completely stuffed full and now my clit was being sucked and nibbled on and my entire body was shaking. He looked up at me and in this totally hot voice asked, “Can I put my finger in your tight little asshole?”.

Honestly, at this point I probably would’ve said yes to anything. I was so close to orgasm as it was. I was so wet that he was able to easily work his way around and once the hand in my vag and the finger in my ass were situated, he dove down and nestled his face back between my legs. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so fast. One suck on my clit and I was there.

He disengaged, which was the oddest sensation in the world before coming up to meet me face-to-face. I was so worried that after having all five fingers in there that I would just feel like a gaping hole, so was beyond surprised when only a few thrusts in, he was cumming hard.

So apparently, we don’t have such a problem with fisting…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Beautiful Stuff Going on Down There


Well, two weeks into the month of December and we finally had sex. I think this is the longest we had ever gone without having sex, because we were both so sick. Last night, there was no way I could wait any longer. I was doing surprisingly good though, considering I normally get to day 3 and I’m flipping out about it but this time around, I was just too sick to really care.

Last night, I was itching something fierce. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex and The Boyfriend in general. Every single move he would make, every nerdy thing he would say, every time he looked at me, it was like a twinge would go all the way down my back until it was safely nestled in my pelvis. I took a bath and got nice and shaved for him and then crawled into bed. Ever the sweet lover that he is, he spent a good long time massaging my body, which has been relentlessly sore due to this cold. I even got a mini-ass massage which I haven’t had in a really long time. By the time we were laying down getting ready for sex, I was on fire with passion.

He asked if we could watch porn, which originally I was pretty upset about, but then once it got turned on really didn’t care either way. I always take it as a burn at first when we haven’t had sex in awhile and the first time we do, he wants to watch porn. It always makes me feel like I’m simply not enough to get him turned on, even though I have no real reason to think that. If I had said no to the porn, he still would’ve gotten turned on and still would’ve had sex with me. But all in all, I was quite pleased that we watched porn.

First was a video that is shorter than we typically go for when we’re picking porn, but it was a really great video. We’ve been looking for awhile for something with two girls and a double dildo. I’d never personally seen one before and The Boyfriend seriously has this thing for girls fucking other girls with objects, even though it’s only something he enjoys watching and definitely not something he’ll even consider doing. So the first video was two girls and big pink Joymii and while the video itself wasn’t hella great, the idea of it had us both going pretty wild right off the bat.

I kept going off about how I wanted to do that and how that would be a wonderful birthday present one year, a Joymii and a girl to use it on. For the most part, when I start talking about me and sexual activities with other girls, it makes him tense up and his reaction is never exactly what I expect it to be. The idea of me with someone else really bothers him and makes him intensely jealous. I’ve never seen him react to anything like he does when I mention me with someone else, especially other girls. He reached over and put his hand between my legs and I was quickly shut up about my girl-on-girl fantasies.

While he was only lazily playing, just him being that close made me feel like I was on the verge of cumming. I didn’t want to cum yet. I rolled on my side and told him to snuggle up close, but that there was to be absolutely no penetration. Our genitals disagreed. Every time we moved, penetration was inevitable. Eventually, I just stopped trying and allowed the penetration to happen. We carried on for awhile with me on my side, more teasing than actually having sex. Then, I rolled on my back and we continued on this way for quite some time. I grabbed my handheld mirror and we watched the penetration up-close. It turned me on that much more when he got very excited over the mirror and the look on his face was just of such appreciation – I’m sure the look on my face was much the same. We truly have some beautiful stuff going on down there!

By this point, I had had to stop myself from cumming multiple times. Any time his hands would reach down, I’d quickly grab them away because I just didn’t want to cum yet, it felt too soon. I rolled him onto his back and climbed on top. Have I ever told you how much I seriously love being on top with him. I’ve never had a guy respond the way he does. He gets so excited and he enjoys it so much and it’s just written all over every ounce of him. I was not going very fast and kept myself at a really steady pace as he shoved his face into my breasts, squeezing them together and just watching their every movement.

He reached down and grabbed on to my hips, “You gotta slow down or I’m going to cum”. I stopped moving. I went completely still but my vag was pulsing so hard, I couldn’t help it. He grabbed harder onto my hips, “I can’t wait anymore!” and he quickly thrust as he came hard. I stayed grinding on his cock, his pubic mound perfectly caressing my clit. Within moments, I was curling up into his chest, cumming hard and for what felt like a very long time. In the moment of orgasm, my body got really hot and I felt dizzy and breathless. I gripped onto him and held him until the very final moments of the orgasm.

After the sex, he fell almost immediately to sleep. I could not get close enough to him. I just wanted to be completely encompassed by him and I felt so deeply in love with him. It probably didn’t help that I had spent the night reading through old blog posts and reminiscing about our entire relationship, so I was already feeling more lovey-dovey towards him. The loving feeling had carried on to this morning, as I snuggled him more than I ever have before he’s had to go to work and could not stop telling him just how much I loved him. It was a wonderful night and I’m so glad that it finally happened. Too much longer of no sex and I probably would’ve been primed to pulverize something… Can I just say, I can’t wait to do that again!


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Boy Trouble…


I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be the crappiest day in the history of days. The Boyfriend had just finished up 3 days off, which was wonderful and not-so-wonderful all at the same time (more about that in a minute), Kaeidyn and Kenzie were up at the crack of dawn this morning fighting over games on the Xbox – which reminds me that we totally need to make a new rule apparently about not playing games before school…, and then I got a phone call from my Mom this morning about my brother, who sounds like he’s not doing that great.

So, I went back to bed. After The Boyfriend left for work and once the older kids were gone to school, Keirnan sat and watched TV while Carter and I dozed back off. I slept much later than I had anticipated, although judging by my more optimistic outlook on the day, I needed it. Then my Mom came over and we talked a bit about my brother. I’m sure I’ve written about this somewhere on the blog before, but a few years back Goober did some experimenting with drugs and those drugs had a very negative effect on him. About a year after the experimentation, Goober came home and was acting very strange and he just seemed to get stranger. Talking to himself, obsessing about the end of the world, staring creepily at people, refusing to get any sort of medical help for obvious medical problems, never sleeping, the list really goes on and on.

One night, he gets picked up by the cops who decide that he’s not in the right mental state and get him institutionalized. They (the doctors who were in charge of him, I guess) decide that he seems to have psychosis brought on by the drug use and there’s a chance that he could continue having this problem for a long time. But he gets better. Then, another year passes and he begins to get worse again. After Mom and I completely coerce him, he gets institutionalized again and gets on meds and seems to be doing better. He gets let out and fluctuates for a long time between good and bad until one day he seems completely fine. For the past few months, he’s seemed completely fine. He’s held a job for a long time, he’s stayed living in one place with the same roommates for a long time, everything seems to be going good.

Then, my Mom gets a call from his roommates letting us know that he’s been talking to himself a lot and generally creeping the roommates out and they want to know how to deal with it. Last anyone heard, Goober was up at the hospital. We only know that he wasn’t there today when Mom called the hospital and we haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone who is in direct contact with him. It’s hard during these times with my brother, for both my Mom and I, and it’s even harder to know how to support everyone in this situation. Right now, it’s just a waiting game to see what happens next – is this going to be an all-the-rest-of-winter type of glitch with my brother or is it just going to be for a few weeks? What’s caused the glitch this time and what’s it going to be like this time? Needless to say, I’m nervous about the first time he comes over here – which when he’s like this tends to happen a lot more than usual, but so far, I’ve heard nothing…

In other news, I kind of feel like The Boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch – though it’s totally not obvious or visible and I’m probably the only one who feels this way. Rough patch is also probably the wrong words to use. It’s more like a disconnect between us. I don’t feel like we are as connected as we once were. I know part of it is because he got a new game and that tends to result in a lot of time where he’s on the game or wanting to play the game and I’m off here on the computer, so there’s no actual physical connection between us during a lot of these times.

I don’t know what the other part of it is. I’ve been mostly feeling it in terms of sex lately. He’s been very uninterested in sex and even when he have it (which thankfully hasn’t lessened much), he seems less like he’s enjoying it and more like he’s doing it because he has to. Or the one that’s really pissing me off is the half-assedness surrounding my orgasm. Let’s look at a few of our last sessions…

Last night, he decides rather early on in the night that he wants head. Being that I’ve gotten eaten out twice in the last 2 weeks, there was only excitement for me surrounding giving him head. I had asked him to trim up the other night just because I wanted to give him head. So, when he whispered in my ear that he wanted to go to bed early so that I could suck him off, I was more than pleased. The head went well, except that we’ve decided we need a new position for it, because with me laying next to him and at the particular angle, he feels to thick for my mouth and my jaw gets crazy sore. He came fast and was really into it and it was generally great. Once he came, I was itching for an orgasm and I made that very clear.

At first, he reaches down and frantically begins circling my clit and playing in my wetness. Then, his hand stops moving, his eyes start closing and he has no interest in my orgasm. I give him a little shove and he tells me he’s not falling asleep and acts all interested for a second. I start getting into it and I’m moaning and suddenly his hand stops again. This went on forever, when I finally got frustrated, reached down myself and ignored whatever it was that he was doing beside me and just focused on my orgasm. And this kind of thing keeps happening.

The other night, he offers to eat me out. I’m all for it and get myself all comfy. He gets down there and very gently sucks on my clit. My body begins quaking and shivering and he lifts off and waits a few minutes before going back in. Then, he gets so gentle that I can hardly feel what he’s doing at all. I try to grab his hand to guide his fingers into me and he lays his hand down on the bed and doesn’t touch me at all. I get this limp, un-enthusiastic tongue, very gently lapping at the top of my clit – not even the most sensitive part. By the time that I finally cum, he’s gone completely limp and doesn’t care to change that.  Like he’s just so uninterested in it all.

I’ll never understand where the whole concept of guys being total horn dogs and women being these demure and frigid beings came from, because this is the third relationship now where I’m just realizing that it’s absolutely the opposite way around. I’m still crazy interested in the sex, I’m still always thinking about cock and it’s only on his mind as a type of chore or obligation… I’m beginning to get frustrated with it.

I just want to have where I wake up everyday and my guy can’t resist thinking about the great sex we had last night and how much he can’t wait to do it again. I want to feel like my vagina is actually desirable to someone. I miss the days of my wetness being something that immediately got him hard and I miss the days when we had sex multiple times a day and it never felt like the same sex. I want to feel like he really truly wants me and this body and this sex, and I’m not getting that at all…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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He Should Be Sick More Often…


Even though I’m still getting over this stupid cold and even though The Boyfriend is in the worst part of the thick of it, our sex life has been out of this world. I think I’ve gotten more sex over the course of the last week than I have in years with him. And I could not tell you who provoked it a single time, I can only tell you that it happened and that it’s been absolutely amazing!!

From the nights we’ve recorded ourselves on cam, to the nights we’ve watched porn, to the mornings that he has woken with a raging hard on, there has been all sorts and a lot of sex going down. I’ve gotten oral sex a couple of times, I’ve gotten midday fingerings and I haven’t had to work very hard to get any of it.

Some extremely memorable moments:

  • The Candy Kisser

    After The Boyfriend had picked up gummy candies for himself, and after we had already been teasing each other for hours, I placed his favorite candies on each of my nipples, down my stomach and mound and placed the final candy on my clit. He sensually plucked the candies off my nipples before slowly moving down to my stomach and carefully licking the final candy off my clit. But he didn’t stop there…
  • A New Angle

    On our second night recording ourselves with the cam and on my second night in a row of being on top (which there have been a total of three in a row so far…), instead of recording ourselves in the usual position, we switched things up a bit. Our bed is currently in the living room (because I like it that way!) and the computer is at the wall opposite the foot-end of our bed. Usually, the camera angle is looking at us from behind our head (aka Our Asses). I decided I wanted to see what it looked like the other way…DEFINITELY BETTER!

    We haven’t tried with The Boyfriend on top yet, though I’m sure we’re only days away. The best part is being able to see all of my boobs, which we hadn’t been able to yet in any of our other videos and the fact that we figured out this really raw lighting that hides all of my “imperfections”. I’m currently working on editing the video to the point that The Boyfriend will at least let me put some of it online. I really just want to get the audio all by itself and take a listen sans imagery.

  • Daytime Proclivities

    It’s been mega years since The Boyfriend and I had any type of regular sexual interaction during the day. It hasn’t been since the days of him working graveyards and him living in his own house with roommates and long before I ever got pregnant. For the past few days, it’s almost become typical. If I’m not being woken up for it in the morning (has happened twice now), I get a chance at it sometime in the afternoon/early evening hours. And while it may not always be sex, someone always gets to orgasm.This morning, I woke up in a less than inspiring mood, but he had already been dealing with his morning wood for awhile. I didn’t take him seriously when he first mentioned going upstairs for a quickie, but when he asked again, I couldn’t possibly resist. I immediately took my position, trying hard not to catch a glimpse at my morning self in the mirror, as he hurriedly scrambled to get himself naked. It was quick and wonderful and his hands on my body in the morning have kept me in quite good spirits all day.

    And then there’s been the multiple days of midday fingering sessions that have left me feeling absolutely divine. First day, he had quite the intense headache. And while the whole thing originally started because I was stroking him, I stayed wet while he went limp. It didn’t take long before I was quietly cumming beneath his skilled hands. Or yesterday as we laid watching a movie and his hands just sort of ended up there and stayed there until again I was cumming hard and quietly. It’s been wonderful!

I really don’t know how long this will last but I am taking full-advantage of it while it’s here. Hopefully it’s a more permanent change, because I’m seriously enjoying the shit out of it. Though I’m noticing, the more I’m getting it, the more I’m wanting it. For now it’s a good thing, but when the activities decline, it’s really going to suck…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Broaching the Subject


I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…