The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Beautiful Stuff Going on Down There


Well, two weeks into the month of December and we finally had sex. I think this is the longest we had ever gone without having sex, because we were both so sick. Last night, there was no way I could wait any longer. I was doing surprisingly good though, considering I normally get to day 3 and I’m flipping out about it but this time around, I was just too sick to really care.

Last night, I was itching something fierce. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex and The Boyfriend in general. Every single move he would make, every nerdy thing he would say, every time he looked at me, it was like a twinge would go all the way down my back until it was safely nestled in my pelvis. I took a bath and got nice and shaved for him and then crawled into bed. Ever the sweet lover that he is, he spent a good long time massaging my body, which has been relentlessly sore due to this cold. I even got a mini-ass massage which I haven’t had in a really long time. By the time we were laying down getting ready for sex, I was on fire with passion.

He asked if we could watch porn, which originally I was pretty upset about, but then once it got turned on really didn’t care either way. I always take it as a burn at first when we haven’t had sex in awhile and the first time we do, he wants to watch porn. It always makes me feel like I’m simply not enough to get him turned on, even though I have no real reason to think that. If I had said no to the porn, he still would’ve gotten turned on and still would’ve had sex with me. But all in all, I was quite pleased that we watched porn.

First was a video that is shorter than we typically go for when we’re picking porn, but it was a really great video. We’ve been looking for awhile for something with two girls and a double dildo. I’d never personally seen one before and The Boyfriend seriously has this thing for girls fucking other girls with objects, even though it’s only something he enjoys watching and definitely not something he’ll even consider doing. So the first video was two girls and big pink Joymii and while the video itself wasn’t hella great, the idea of it had us both going pretty wild right off the bat.

I kept going off about how I wanted to do that and how that would be a wonderful birthday present one year, a Joymii and a girl to use it on. For the most part, when I start talking about me and sexual activities with other girls, it makes him tense up and his reaction is never exactly what I expect it to be. The idea of me with someone else really bothers him and makes him intensely jealous. I’ve never seen him react to anything like he does when I mention me with someone else, especially other girls. He reached over and put his hand between my legs and I was quickly shut up about my girl-on-girl fantasies.

While he was only lazily playing, just him being that close made me feel like I was on the verge of cumming. I didn’t want to cum yet. I rolled on my side and told him to snuggle up close, but that there was to be absolutely no penetration. Our genitals disagreed. Every time we moved, penetration was inevitable. Eventually, I just stopped trying and allowed the penetration to happen. We carried on for awhile with me on my side, more teasing than actually having sex. Then, I rolled on my back and we continued on this way for quite some time. I grabbed my handheld mirror and we watched the penetration up-close. It turned me on that much more when he got very excited over the mirror and the look on his face was just of such appreciation – I’m sure the look on my face was much the same. We truly have some beautiful stuff going on down there!

By this point, I had had to stop myself from cumming multiple times. Any time his hands would reach down, I’d quickly grab them away because I just didn’t want to cum yet, it felt too soon. I rolled him onto his back and climbed on top. Have I ever told you how much I seriously love being on top with him. I’ve never had a guy respond the way he does. He gets so excited and he enjoys it so much and it’s just written all over every ounce of him. I was not going very fast and kept myself at a really steady pace as he shoved his face into my breasts, squeezing them together and just watching their every movement.

He reached down and grabbed on to my hips, “You gotta slow down or I’m going to cum”. I stopped moving. I went completely still but my vag was pulsing so hard, I couldn’t help it. He grabbed harder onto my hips, “I can’t wait anymore!” and he quickly thrust as he came hard. I stayed grinding on his cock, his pubic mound perfectly caressing my clit. Within moments, I was curling up into his chest, cumming hard and for what felt like a very long time. In the moment of orgasm, my body got really hot and I felt dizzy and breathless. I gripped onto him and held him until the very final moments of the orgasm.

After the sex, he fell almost immediately to sleep. I could not get close enough to him. I just wanted to be completely encompassed by him and I felt so deeply in love with him. It probably didn’t help that I had spent the night reading through old blog posts and reminiscing about our entire relationship, so I was already feeling more lovey-dovey towards him. The loving feeling had carried on to this morning, as I snuggled him more than I ever have before he’s had to go to work and could not stop telling him just how much I loved him. It was a wonderful night and I’m so glad that it finally happened. Too much longer of no sex and I probably would’ve been primed to pulverize something… Can I just say, I can’t wait to do that again!


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Boy Trouble…


I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be the crappiest day in the history of days. The Boyfriend had just finished up 3 days off, which was wonderful and not-so-wonderful all at the same time (more about that in a minute), Kaeidyn and Kenzie were up at the crack of dawn this morning fighting over games on the Xbox – which reminds me that we totally need to make a new rule apparently about not playing games before school…, and then I got a phone call from my Mom this morning about my brother, who sounds like he’s not doing that great.

So, I went back to bed. After The Boyfriend left for work and once the older kids were gone to school, Keirnan sat and watched TV while Carter and I dozed back off. I slept much later than I had anticipated, although judging by my more optimistic outlook on the day, I needed it. Then my Mom came over and we talked a bit about my brother. I’m sure I’ve written about this somewhere on the blog before, but a few years back Goober did some experimenting with drugs and those drugs had a very negative effect on him. About a year after the experimentation, Goober came home and was acting very strange and he just seemed to get stranger. Talking to himself, obsessing about the end of the world, staring creepily at people, refusing to get any sort of medical help for obvious medical problems, never sleeping, the list really goes on and on.

One night, he gets picked up by the cops who decide that he’s not in the right mental state and get him institutionalized. They (the doctors who were in charge of him, I guess) decide that he seems to have psychosis brought on by the drug use and there’s a chance that he could continue having this problem for a long time. But he gets better. Then, another year passes and he begins to get worse again. After Mom and I completely coerce him, he gets institutionalized again and gets on meds and seems to be doing better. He gets let out and fluctuates for a long time between good and bad until one day he seems completely fine. For the past few months, he’s seemed completely fine. He’s held a job for a long time, he’s stayed living in one place with the same roommates for a long time, everything seems to be going good.

Then, my Mom gets a call from his roommates letting us know that he’s been talking to himself a lot and generally creeping the roommates out and they want to know how to deal with it. Last anyone heard, Goober was up at the hospital. We only know that he wasn’t there today when Mom called the hospital and we haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone who is in direct contact with him. It’s hard during these times with my brother, for both my Mom and I, and it’s even harder to know how to support everyone in this situation. Right now, it’s just a waiting game to see what happens next – is this going to be an all-the-rest-of-winter type of glitch with my brother or is it just going to be for a few weeks? What’s caused the glitch this time and what’s it going to be like this time? Needless to say, I’m nervous about the first time he comes over here – which when he’s like this tends to happen a lot more than usual, but so far, I’ve heard nothing…

In other news, I kind of feel like The Boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch – though it’s totally not obvious or visible and I’m probably the only one who feels this way. Rough patch is also probably the wrong words to use. It’s more like a disconnect between us. I don’t feel like we are as connected as we once were. I know part of it is because he got a new game and that tends to result in a lot of time where he’s on the game or wanting to play the game and I’m off here on the computer, so there’s no actual physical connection between us during a lot of these times.

I don’t know what the other part of it is. I’ve been mostly feeling it in terms of sex lately. He’s been very uninterested in sex and even when he have it (which thankfully hasn’t lessened much), he seems less like he’s enjoying it and more like he’s doing it because he has to. Or the one that’s really pissing me off is the half-assedness surrounding my orgasm. Let’s look at a few of our last sessions…

Last night, he decides rather early on in the night that he wants head. Being that I’ve gotten eaten out twice in the last 2 weeks, there was only excitement for me surrounding giving him head. I had asked him to trim up the other night just because I wanted to give him head. So, when he whispered in my ear that he wanted to go to bed early so that I could suck him off, I was more than pleased. The head went well, except that we’ve decided we need a new position for it, because with me laying next to him and at the particular angle, he feels to thick for my mouth and my jaw gets crazy sore. He came fast and was really into it and it was generally great. Once he came, I was itching for an orgasm and I made that very clear.

At first, he reaches down and frantically begins circling my clit and playing in my wetness. Then, his hand stops moving, his eyes start closing and he has no interest in my orgasm. I give him a little shove and he tells me he’s not falling asleep and acts all interested for a second. I start getting into it and I’m moaning and suddenly his hand stops again. This went on forever, when I finally got frustrated, reached down myself and ignored whatever it was that he was doing beside me and just focused on my orgasm. And this kind of thing keeps happening.

The other night, he offers to eat me out. I’m all for it and get myself all comfy. He gets down there and very gently sucks on my clit. My body begins quaking and shivering and he lifts off and waits a few minutes before going back in. Then, he gets so gentle that I can hardly feel what he’s doing at all. I try to grab his hand to guide his fingers into me and he lays his hand down on the bed and doesn’t touch me at all. I get this limp, un-enthusiastic tongue, very gently lapping at the top of my clit – not even the most sensitive part. By the time that I finally cum, he’s gone completely limp and doesn’t care to change that.  Like he’s just so uninterested in it all.

I’ll never understand where the whole concept of guys being total horn dogs and women being these demure and frigid beings came from, because this is the third relationship now where I’m just realizing that it’s absolutely the opposite way around. I’m still crazy interested in the sex, I’m still always thinking about cock and it’s only on his mind as a type of chore or obligation… I’m beginning to get frustrated with it.

I just want to have where I wake up everyday and my guy can’t resist thinking about the great sex we had last night and how much he can’t wait to do it again. I want to feel like my vagina is actually desirable to someone. I miss the days of my wetness being something that immediately got him hard and I miss the days when we had sex multiple times a day and it never felt like the same sex. I want to feel like he really truly wants me and this body and this sex, and I’m not getting that at all…

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He Should Be Sick More Often…


Even though I’m still getting over this stupid cold and even though The Boyfriend is in the worst part of the thick of it, our sex life has been out of this world. I think I’ve gotten more sex over the course of the last week than I have in years with him. And I could not tell you who provoked it a single time, I can only tell you that it happened and that it’s been absolutely amazing!!

From the nights we’ve recorded ourselves on cam, to the nights we’ve watched porn, to the mornings that he has woken with a raging hard on, there has been all sorts and a lot of sex going down. I’ve gotten oral sex a couple of times, I’ve gotten midday fingerings and I haven’t had to work very hard to get any of it.

Some extremely memorable moments:

  • The Candy Kisser

    After The Boyfriend had picked up gummy candies for himself, and after we had already been teasing each other for hours, I placed his favorite candies on each of my nipples, down my stomach and mound and placed the final candy on my clit. He sensually plucked the candies off my nipples before slowly moving down to my stomach and carefully licking the final candy off my clit. But he didn’t stop there…
  • A New Angle

    On our second night recording ourselves with the cam and on my second night in a row of being on top (which there have been a total of three in a row so far…), instead of recording ourselves in the usual position, we switched things up a bit. Our bed is currently in the living room (because I like it that way!) and the computer is at the wall opposite the foot-end of our bed. Usually, the camera angle is looking at us from behind our head (aka Our Asses). I decided I wanted to see what it looked like the other way…DEFINITELY BETTER!

    We haven’t tried with The Boyfriend on top yet, though I’m sure we’re only days away. The best part is being able to see all of my boobs, which we hadn’t been able to yet in any of our other videos and the fact that we figured out this really raw lighting that hides all of my “imperfections”. I’m currently working on editing the video to the point that The Boyfriend will at least let me put some of it online. I really just want to get the audio all by itself and take a listen sans imagery.

  • Daytime Proclivities

    It’s been mega years since The Boyfriend and I had any type of regular sexual interaction during the day. It hasn’t been since the days of him working graveyards and him living in his own house with roommates and long before I ever got pregnant. For the past few days, it’s almost become typical. If I’m not being woken up for it in the morning (has happened twice now), I get a chance at it sometime in the afternoon/early evening hours. And while it may not always be sex, someone always gets to orgasm.This morning, I woke up in a less than inspiring mood, but he had already been dealing with his morning wood for awhile. I didn’t take him seriously when he first mentioned going upstairs for a quickie, but when he asked again, I couldn’t possibly resist. I immediately took my position, trying hard not to catch a glimpse at my morning self in the mirror, as he hurriedly scrambled to get himself naked. It was quick and wonderful and his hands on my body in the morning have kept me in quite good spirits all day.

    And then there’s been the multiple days of midday fingering sessions that have left me feeling absolutely divine. First day, he had quite the intense headache. And while the whole thing originally started because I was stroking him, I stayed wet while he went limp. It didn’t take long before I was quietly cumming beneath his skilled hands. Or yesterday as we laid watching a movie and his hands just sort of ended up there and stayed there until again I was cumming hard and quietly. It’s been wonderful!

I really don’t know how long this will last but I am taking full-advantage of it while it’s here. Hopefully it’s a more permanent change, because I’m seriously enjoying the shit out of it. Though I’m noticing, the more I’m getting it, the more I’m wanting it. For now it’s a good thing, but when the activities decline, it’s really going to suck…

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Broaching the Subject


I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Dreaming of Head


I think I’m developing a complex, an oral sex complex. For the past few days, right before I actually wake up and after I’ve already hit snooze once or twice, I drift into dreamland. While there, a dream conducts itself in the usual way – kind of scattered and not making any real sense but it always ends the exact same way.

This morning’s dream was probably the most memorable as we walked through a town called Innisfail (and not the real town of Innisfail). The town was on a mountainside and every single building looked like it had been built to resemble a bomb shelter. The Boyfriend had apparently transferred jobs and we were going to see a lady about our own little bomb bunker. As we walk through the town, there’s not a Wal-Mart in site, but there is a (not even kidding you) Damage Hall. I don’t know why you’d want to advertise that you are the Damage Hall, but I guess that’s just how they do in the sheltered town of Innisfail.

Here’s where the dream starts matching every single other dream I’ve had for the past few days. Somehow The Boyfriend and I end up at a place where we’re sitting down and I’m snuggling into his chest. He has no shirt and only boxers to cover any of him. We begin making out, which I swear feels identical to when we are actually making out. My body feels tingly just about everywhere, I sweat and I would not be surprised if I moan along with my dream self (although, I’m not aware of it if I really am). But in the dream, it feels incredibly real.

Then, I pull back to take a breath and he cockily spreads his arms wider and opens his legs further, allowing the hole in his boxers to reveal the treasure beneath and he says to me in his sexy sex voice, “So, you know what I want?”. In the real world, he does almost this exact same thing when he wants head. Every guy I’ve ever been with is like this. They get comfy and settle in for the pleasure of my mouth, before officially announcing (even if just subtly) that they want oral sex. I normally say yes, because I couldn’t say no to a beautiful piece on display.

Almost as soon as he asks, I wake up. I have no idea how the dream ends or if he ends up getting head or if I end up saying no. I know nothing! However, I do find it interesting that I’m dreaming about giving him oral sex when in real life, I’ve been complaining so much about not getting it. And complaining isn’t the right word to use there, more like mentioning that I’m not getting it.

I’ve told him straight out that I’m not giving him head again until I get some. I’ve mentioned that I’m in the mood for it and then not gotten it. The only thing I haven’t done is asked out right for it. We sort of talked about that the other day. He said he wanted me to ask right out and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that all the time. It would be nice for someone to act like they wanted to eat me out, not that they were just doing it because I had asked. As if it were taking out the garbage. “Oh dear, can you take out the garbage and when you’re done, come eat my pussy…”. While it’s hot in theory, when you’re living it every day, not so much.

I think the fact that it’s been so long and the idea that I need to ask or direct to get it, seems to really be bothering me. I can tell because it’s on my mind a lot when I’m awake but even more so, because I’m dreaming about it. It’s in my conscious and my subconscious… I think what it really comes down to is that I want some vulva appreciation to go down. I want this area of my being, that I’m quickly falling out of love with, to be loved and cherished and kissed – instead of pounded, penetrated and fucked.

I wish he would eat me out like I give him head. Playful, teasing, long and drawn out, tons of tongue. It’s just been a long time…


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Yesterday Was a Fluke


Well, after the positive and productive day that I had yesterday, today has been less than that. I woke up this morning feeling dreadfully tired and the kids’ offered to walk themselves to school. I let them do that and they did a great job. No phone calls from the school and I saw Kenzie today when I dropped Keirnan off, having a great time with all his new school friends. But I felt like crap!

Then, it’s freaking freezing cold out. It’s 12 degrees but it feels much colder with all the wicked wind we’re having. It’s making me most grumpy of all. My hands hurt from the cold, my body feels like it’s constantly on shiver mode and it’s making me dread my walk to and from the school. I’m not looking forward to winter this year.

I need to kick The Boyfriend’s ass into gear about a few things around the house here and that’s making me more upset than usual. I just keep thinking back to the beginning of our relationship with his comments about “I’ve got a budget” and “I’ll take care of you“, to what we’re at now and I feel like I’m the force behind The boyfriend’s becoming crappy with their money, their goals, their everything! It took Alfie 4 years, but that guy’s starting to get his life on track now that he doesn’t have me and all my kids really in his life. The Boyfriend, doing all great and wonderful and then the kids and I come into his life and it seems like none of that was ever real.

We were supposed to go weeks ago to change my bank account to a joint account and shut down his account. It’s costing us a lot of money in fees running both accounts, and his are always WAY higher than mine, it’s hard for us to pay bills when I pay all of them online and his money isn’t directly coursing through there. But something always gets in the way of our perfect little plans. He was supposed to call the utilities and put my name on them so that I could talk to them, but he hasn’t. So when Telus called today and I tried telling them that we’ll be paying them off on Friday, they basically said that he’d have to call and tell them that. Which is just that much harder when unless someone is leaning on his shoulder reminding him, he can’t remember that stuff during his work day…

I’m stressing, if you can’t tell. I don’t know why I’m stressing, I just am. Today feels like a day full of pressure and I feel like again, all the weight is directly on my shoulders. Like if I make one tiny mistake the whole world will crash down around me. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time. It’s like I can’t let myself just be happy or satisfied. I’m determined, apparently, to keep myself in the negatives and the horrible destruction and the bad ju-ju…


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She’s a Maniac, Maniac


Tonight’s project: The kids are making me file folders for their school stuff. Each of them gets a file to color and all their paperwork for the school year will go into it. Carter’s making one too, even though he’s not going to school, but I imagine him and I will get creative and figure something out to put in it. It’s kind of the first craft that they’re doing with me. Normally, they do it at Mom’s house and it stays there. Brilliant idea I might say!

Today was supposed to be a day full of cleaning for me but I didn’t do nearly as much as I had hoped because the kids were completely out of control today. They’re so excited about going back to school and the birthdays that are upcoming, that it’s utter chaos around here. No one’s listening, they’re all being incredibly loud and argumentative and the boys’ are constantly having power trips and play housing too roughly. If someone’s not crying, they’re screaming and if they’re not screaming, they’re making one of a million other sounds that make the inside of your brain tingle.

I did get some cleaning done and even made the kids do more cleaning today than they’ve had to in awhile. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as much of a fight as it normally is. The only one of the kids that I trust at all to do dishes and not make an epic mess and actually get the dishes cleaned to at least 75% of my standard, above and beyond The Boyfriend, is Kaeidyn. I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my dishes and often find flaws in other people’s cleanliness standard (including those who say they have a standard), and she’s the only one that makes the grade, so far. But, she started losing interest in doing the dishes and didn’t like that it was always her chore. Then Kenzie started asking to do the dishes and almost like magic, she decided she wanted to do the dishes today.

And Kenzie, who is normally the biggest pain in the butt to really get cleaning, got in trouble for doing something and was sentenced to cleaning the downstairs bathroom floor. We had just recently gotten a Swiffer Sweeper Vac, so the kids were all wanting to try it. Needless to say, there was no fighting about cleaning the bathroom floor. And because the Swiffer doesn’t do as great of a job as I’d like it to, I made him sweep it with the broom first. Now though, I have to charge the Swiffer, so can’t finish the big clean I was planning for anyways…

Not that a big majority hasn’t already or isn’t getting done today. After the kids are done their project, their going to bed and then The Boyfriend and I will spend sometime cleaning up whatever’s left. Again luckily, he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so keeping him up late isn’t a huge deal. Hopefully that means that after the stressful day that I’ve had today and after the sweaty cleaning of the night, we’ll get to spend some adult alone time together, which will be wonderful.

But for now, I’m going to sit back and eat some ice cream, maybe color a folder of my own and then commence the night-time cleaning marathon. Goodnight!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Feeling Like a Freak…


One thing that is really beginning to blow all sorts of donkey balls around here, now that The Boyfriend is no longer interested in kink in anyway, is that every time kinkiness starts showing itself in our sexual lives, he ends up making me feel like a total twisted freak. After all the bitching that went down over the last few days, I was determined that last night was going to be a sex night. I needed to stop being such a cow!

So, I turned on videos of us that we hadn’t watched yet. We had a hoot and a half listening to our commentary around certain porn, he was enjoying all the noises I was making in the videos and we even fast forwarded so that it looked like the whole thing was in stop-motion, which caused more laughing during foreplay than we’d ever had.

After being so long since I had last cum and the tension between us, the sex was relatively quick once we got down to it. We were both incredibly quiet and everything was feeling so good. I kept having to block thoughts of insecurity, but I had expected that. Then, he reached up and put his hand on my throat…

Something about this drives me absolutely over the edge. It takes the sex to a whole other level and makes my entire body feel small and fragile, something that I desperately crave during sex. He doesn’t do it very roughly (though I’d totally like him too), but he just puts his hand there. He rests is there or softly grips my neck and his hand feels like it could break me. Three times of putting his hand to my throat and I was cumming.

While I was cumming and while he began cumming, I was overcome with some sort of emotion. As my body tightened and my face went completely numb, all I could think about was crying. I pouted into his neck as he held me close and I felt extreme sadness wash over me. Then, I felt resentment and wanted to get away from him. After I went to the bathroom and calmed myself down a little bit, we talked about what we enjoyed.

Of course, I brought up the hand on throat thing and how much I enjoyed it. He responded, “I don’t want to say anything. It sounds incredibly twisted!” and I asked, more like pressed, “What do you mean twisted?!?” and flabbergasted he stated, “It sounds screwed up to say I like to choke my girlfriend!” In that moment, I felt like the biggest freak in the entire world as I, full of pissy attitude responded, “It’s not twisted if you’re girlfriend likes it, you weren’t really choking me AND asphyxiation is a recognized fetish and you can even learn how to do it safely!”

He shut his mouth and I was left there to feel like a total freak bag. Like the things that I’m interested in, in the way that I’m interested in them, completely turns him off. Completely disgusts him and scares him. How can I possibly be in this relationship? I’m sick of being teased with things that might hopefully be one day and things that he so obviously isn’t interested in, so why does he drag me along. I’m sick of being in a vanilla relationship where my only option is to just plain enjoy the vanilla sex, never voicing my desires or wants for fear of being treated like a freak! How did I get 4 years into this relationship to only find out now that he is terrified of the type of life I want?!?

I’m incredibly angry about it. I remember awhile back writing a post about how it was kind of a relief to find out what he really thought about this whole thing. Well, I take that back completely. I don’t feel relieved anymore, I feel downright pissed off about it. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have a choice, I am going to get my kink with or without him, but I hate that!! Then again, I hate that I’m neglecting this interest of mine only to be made to feel like a freak for even thinking about it!!

I think this is the first time in our relationship that I am absolutely at a complete loss of what to do about our relationship. I can’t spend another few years of my life without any kink at all. How am I supposed to do that?!? It’s been 12 freaking years already of not getting my kink on and I am so far passed sick of it that it’s not even funny, it’s just plain depressing. If kink were World of Warcraft and the amount of experience you had in kink could be measured in XP, I would have maybe 5 XP, when you’d think a WoW player of 12 years would have reached Level 80 by now… Nope, still just a newbie Level 1. It’s bullshit!

What do I do?!?…


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Thank You (SARCASM) Menses…


Well, so far, this holiday is not going as good as I had hoped it would. First of all, it’s appearantly period week. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I now experience PMS. I had some cramps my first period year, but I’ve never had PMS. I have been in the most bitchy mood ever and swinging in out of moods like crazy. And now that I’m actually in period week, it’s just being relentless.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen The Boyfriend tiptoe this much around me, because I haven’t been bitchy like this in a really long time. Or at least, I feel like I’m being way bitchier. Needless to say, all the sex that I was hoping we would get to have this holiday, hasn’t happened at all. And while I’m trying not to let that get to me more than it is, it’s being incredibly difficult, which isn’t helping the bitchiness.

And while I know there are ways to work around blood during sex and while I know that The Boyfriend won’t freak out about it, it’s not like it would be the first time for us, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t want to have sex in the shower and I don’t want to get naked and I don’t want my blood to get anywhere and it’s pissing me off, just straight up!

I know I’m probably being overly graphic and I know you’re probably all cringing hoping this post will end sooner rather than later, but I’m just not in a very good state right now. I feel incredibly angry all the time, for no particular reason. I’m being bitchy towards everyone I love and it makes me feel terrible. And The Boyfriend goes back to work soon and I feel like I haven’t gotten to spend more than 2 seconds with him and absolutely none of it was intimate and that makes me all sorts of negative emotions.

This period can’t end fast enough…


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Hard Adjustments


It has felt like a series of very long days for the last few ones. The kids are stressing me out, the constant cleaning (and never being completely satisfied with it) is wearing me down and I haven’t been sleeping very well at all. I’ve been relentlessly snappy and nagging towards The Boyfriend, even though he doesn’t really deserve it and I am desperately craving a vacation – not that I know what that is, but I’m craving it!

Today is a day that for some reason, is my making my stomach twist into knots. After staying up way too late last night as a storm quickly passed over us and woke up all 4 of the kids at 2:30 in the morning, I got woken up this morning by the neighbor kids screaming at my kids through the window. Then, after all the kids went outside to play, Carter ended up hitting his head off another kids head and his stitches started bleeding. They look fine and I’m hoping they’ll take them out and leave them out, but still… Freaks a mother out!

It doesn’t help at all when you hear Kaeidyn’s blood-curdling screams because of it and it’s harder to calm her down than it is to calm the one that’s hurt down. It makes my heart race and my chest feel heavy trying to keep both of them calm, so that I can keep myself calm. Which led to more nitpicking towards The Boyfriend today, when I started, “You’re the one with the first aid certificate, why am I the one that has to actually do it?”, which he rebutted, “I tried to look, you just jumped right in there!”. Well, excuse me!

My body has been fighting back to all my movement and cleaning, which seems to eat up so much of my energy. Three floors, an endless stream of dishes and neverending garbage buildup, tends to fill my day with more than I can handle, all by myself. But every time the kids or The Boyfriend pitch in, I just feel like I have to work that much harder to clean up after their mistakes. Maybe I’m just being too picky… No, I’m definitely being too picky!

Then, my online world is picking up on me rather fast and I apparently wasn’t prepared enough for it to do that. Members have really begun participating on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, my Twitter feed seems to have something I have to respond to multiple times a day and it’s the first time in a long time that I’m not inspired or motivated to deal with any of it. I do, because I told myself I would, but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to get in front of the computer to do these things. When I do get on the computer, I only spend long enough to check these things out before getting off…

It’ll just take some time to adjust. Let’s hope!