The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


Leave a comment

Neglectful


So I haven’t been doing much blogging lately. To think of it, I haven’t been on my computer much lately. I have been being completely neglectful of a ton of my “responsibilities”. Blogging’s not getting done, cleaning hasn’t gotten done, I’ve basically been doing a whole lot of nothing.

I have to say that I’m not enjoying it one little bit. I keep trying to figure out why it’s happening so much lately, and I think I’m just losing steam. I have nothing to write about lately. Nothing exciting is happening in my life (bit of a lie…), and I haven’t been scouring the internet for anything interesting (because I haven’t really been doing much on my computer) and I’m just finding it overall too hard to get motivated to do anything.

Tomorrow is my last day of full-time maintenance coordinator and I hate to say it, but I couldn’t be happier. I officially only like that job when it’s full-time. The only good part of being full-time is that you’re there to deal with things when it happens, so when people mention things days later, it’s easier to remember what they’re talking about, instead of sitting there with a clueless and quizzical look on  your face.

It’s been interesting how much I’ve had to deal with this last week. From a huge poplar tree that got struck by lightning and now has structural damage (yes, apparently trees can have structural damage, not just houses…) and will cost over $5000 to take down, to a bunch of places that had flooding, thanks to our bad weather, that resulted in drywall having to be torn down and carpets completely removed, to ex-tenants calling in and yelling about how little they got back from their security deposits… It’s been crazy to say the least.

Home life has been decent outside of all the darn storms. Over the last weekend, we had one storm rip through here that had me so panicked that I went and actually hid out in the bathroom. I’ve been so worried about getting the kids too worried about storms, that I normally will just try to be chill and you only really know I’m scared because of my body language. But this one came on so fast, the clouds looked so vicious and then it started hailing in the most wicked way and I just couldn’t contain the fear any longer. So I grabbed my laptop and ran my ass downstairs and slowly The Boyfriend had them follow me and we sat and watched YouTube until the hail stopped.

My fear and these storms is just getting out of control now. The littlest of wind or rain or dark clouds, gets me all riled up. It’s to the point where I’m literally considering talking to my doctor about getting anti-anxiety meds just for the harsh panic attacks I’ve been having. I’ve never had such physical ones before. All my old panic attacks were mostly mental and the physical parts of it were mostly chest pains from my heart feeling like it was going to explode or collapse, depending on the trigger.

Whereas these panic attacks are an all over the body type of physical thing. It starts with this crampy feeling in my stomach. Almost like I’ve done a few too many crunches during a workout. Then I get really sweaty, like I’ve just drank three or four hot coffees, one right after the other. All my joints start hurting, and I start breathing really heavily. Then the pacing begins and by this point the storm is normally done and I get hit with a wicked headache that feels like I smoked WAY too much weed.

I think I probably would deal with all better if it wasn’t happening day after day after day. I just am getting to the point where it’s getting to be too much. Especially being that a lot of the storms keep hitting at night, right as I’m going to get into bed. So I end up staying up way later than I should and by the next morning, I’m so exhausted that getting out of bed in the morning is the worst part of my day…

I’m really lucky to have The Boyfriend though. He has been so great with my fears lately! The night that I decided to go down to the bathroom, he helped me get all the kids down there and came in and checked on me and then went and checked on the storm for me and then came in the bathroom to report. Last night was probably one of the best nights for comforting from here.

I’ve been feeling pretty guilty for how many late nights I’ve made him have lately. Between my super over-active sex drive and these stupid storms, four hours of sleep a night is about all he’s getting. And he’s been wonderful for both. Last night, as the storm raged, he let me rest my head on his chest (even though he doesn’t like sleeping on his back – probably only because I’ve made him aware of the snoring that occurs in that position. On his side, he doesn’t snore…), even though it was incredibly hot in our room, and every time the thunder would roll or crackle, he’d gently rub my upper arm. For the first time in forever, I was able to roll over and go to sleep even though it had begun to rain.

He’s no longer making a mocking face at me when I start to get worried and now automatically goes into gentle and caring boyfriend mode. The second he sees the “I’m worried” look across my face, he quickly grabs me for a hug. While it may not calm me much, it feels good in hindsight.

I’ve decided, I’m blaming the neglectfulness of the blog, on the storms…


Leave a comment

July 7, 2011 Central Alberta Storm (There’s Videos!!)


I’m hating the weather this summer so far. Have I ever told you how much I despise storms? My greatest fear in life is that I’ll be taken out by a natural disaster. It used to be lightening, then it changed to an unexplained fire, and now it is 100% a tornado.


Near Penhold, Alberta

On Thursday, we had a wicked storm and it was the first time I’ve ever been a part of a city that had a tornado warning that advised you to “take shelter immediately”. The worst part about the entire thing was that The Boyfriend had walked to the store…

So as we normally do when there’s a storm, we go out on the balcony and check out the rain, the lightening, the thunder and really I’m checking to see if I think it looks rough enough to be down in my bathroom! I walk outside and it’s still pretty light out, but I see a father and his daughter underneath of an umbrella. Then I see the Dad point to the sky and then they ran back into the house. Automatically I thought, shit a tornado is coming and I don’t know if The Boyfriend is going to be safe.

Clouds began billowing up into the sky at a speed that I’ve never seen before. The only thing at all that brought me comfort is that there was a plane following the storm and passing through the absolutely wicked clouds. It’s interesting to me how many people, when every information source is telling you to take shelter, will go outside. The street filled with people as my neighbor tells me a tornado has just touched down outside of Innisfail.


Near Penhold, Alberta

Then it starts hailing wickedly. Of course when I first learned of all the tornado warnings, I automatically read up on the internet about disaster preparedness. I knew what to do if there was a tornado, but I wanted some reassurance that I absolutely knew, just in case! Rain is usually not present during a tornado, but hail is. So that set off even more panic as I paced frantically in the living room wondering if I should wake all the kids up to go hide in the bathroom while we waited for The Boyfriend to get back.

By the time The Boyfriend got back, the hail had stopped and the sky behind our house turned a brilliant blue with light fluffy clouds. All I have to say is thank goodness for The Weather Network and @AB_EmergAlert. Because if I wouldn’t of been able to check those two things every few minutes, I’m sure a panic attack would’ve hit.


Near Sundre and Olds, Alberta

So far, no injuries have been reported even though a total of 4 (last I heard) tornadoes touched down in Central Alberta. No idea how many funnel clouds there were, I know of 2 in Red Deer alone. Though I don’t even want to know how many people, who all feel the same way about tornadoes as I do, are still worrying about it.

The last two nights has been pretty windy at night. It seems to be pretty calm during the day, just some cloudy skies. Then we get to night and the wind picks up. Falling asleep has been pretty darn hard, because being defenseless worries me. At least during the day, you can see the storm a-brewing. At night, not so much.

I hope, for my sake and for the others who are scared of storms, that this is the last bad storm of the year. I know it probably won’t happen, but I definitely don’t like when it happens and even more so, I hope that if it does happen, The Boyfriend is at least at home when it does. I also hope that this crappy weather goes away soon, so that I can get a really good nights sleep…

What natural disaster scares you the most? Or are you one of the lucky soles who isn’t really afraid of it? Have you ever witnessed a tornado or other disaster? Let’s talk storms people!


1 Comment

But…


I am so ready for this month to be over. I know it just started and everything, but I wish it’d just end already. Hell, I’m ready for the next few months to be over because I just don’t want to deal with all of this crap.

So first things first, our hot water gets cut off. No big deal, most of what gets done around the house doesn’t need hot water and for the things that do, there’s always boiling pots of water on the stove. And luckily, for now, my Mom only lives a block and a half away, showers can be taken at her house.

Then, our electricity gets cut off. Again, thank goodness for my Mom (and her boyfriend…), so that we’re not sitting here in the dark without the ability to put movies on for the kids or use our stove – because the 2 1/2 days of that was pure hell!

I’m not exactly sure where and how everything financially speaking is getting so out of control. Yes, if we could quit smoking it would save us a pretty penny, eventually or something. But that’s not exactly 100% doable. When we work it out on paper and create our monthly budget, and that’s over pricing how much we spend on things like take out or how much our grocery bill is, once the money starts rolling in, it just doesn’t work.

So after we got the electricity turned back on, we thought we were going to be okayish, at least for a bit. Then the dreaded rent payment day arrived. I seriously hate this time of month, because I never have all of rent on the 1st. Well, not never. It’s happened before and I’m sure eventually it will happen again. But with the way our paydays work, it’s easier to pay half on the 1st and the other half a week later, and I’m lucky enough to have a landlord that will let that happen.

But lately, he’s been feeling some financial strain himself, so he’s on everyone’s case to start paying on time. So now, for everyday we’re late there’s a $20 late fee. I always hate that kind of stuff, because if I couldn’t afford to pay you all of your rent on time, what makes you think that I can afford to pay you $20 for every additional day that I don’t pay. It doesn’t logically make sense. But that’s the dice that has been rolled and now I have to deal with it.

Which in turn makes me so sure that we’re going to be coming up on an eviction right away… Which wouldn’t be so bad since we’re all wanting to move, but the chances of finding something in our “budget” that will allow a total of 6 people to live there is not going to be easy. Every time I think about it, it just reminds me of the constant gut-wrenching horribleness when I was looking for this place.

I don’t know how many places I called back then, but it was ALOT! It took me weeks of searching (almost an entire month), tons of tears and more than enough hope and disappointment. The second I said that I had 3 kids, 2 at home and 1 in the hospital, people automatically turned me down. I had to look for 3 bedrooms, even though I knew I could never afford a 3 bedroom. I was lucky as hell to find this place, especially when I did, because I definitely didn’t want to bring Keirnan home from the hospital to a hotel room…

So needless to say, things are stressful around here. I was supposed to go pay a portion of the rent today, but we don’t have any of it. So I have to call my landlord tomorrow and tell him that he’ll have to wait for the full amount until the 8th, when we’ll be getting a paycheck and a payday loan to pay off rent. Which just screws us over for rent next month, but it’s necessary right now. And that’s making it all the worse, because I can just see it’s going to be a long hard road financially speaking…

Then there’s all the stuff I have to do this week, and my Mom’s rushing me to get it done now, now, now. Which I understand and totally get, but while I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, adding a few more things to the list is seriously bumming me out. It’s making it so hard for me to force myself out of bed every morning, because my list just keeps getting longer and longer. When I think I’ve fixed one thing, ten more things get added. It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming and frankly, it’s just plain annoying!

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I’m really just venting, because this is fixable, or at least in some ways I believe it is. To a degree. I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to the stress, I’m not looking forward to the work, I would rather just not do it… Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

So, I threw out a few resumes this week. I really don’t want to leave my job and I’m hoping that I’ll find something that works around this job. But otherwise, I need something full-time, that’s going to earn me a full-time wage. We’re also trying to cut down on other costs, though it’s still in the very beginning stages. But things like turning off the lights when we leave a room, except the bathroom (because I can’t sleep without that light…). Even though we’ve been sucking at it, turning off the TV when both The Boyfriend and I are on our respective computers.

I’m hoping this week, we can try to at least cut down on the smoking. I wish we could just quit it cold turkey, but I honestly panic when I think about it. It’s kind of become my safety blanket. When I’m upset with the kids, I have a smoke with the hopes it will calm me down. When I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, I have a smoke. It’s not even the smoke itself that calms me down, it’s the exhaling of the smoke that calms me down. Watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I’m not ready to quit yet… I know, I know, they’re all just excuses.

I’ve also got a bunch of errands that I have to run tomorrow, which makes it a hectic Monday, which I always hate! First thing in the morning, gotta go over to Mom’s for a shower. Then the bus, then work, then quickly to the library to drop off overdue movies and then to go get the kids birth certificates so that I can get Carter on my child tax benefit. I know, I know, I should have done that a year and a half ago…

So many mistakes, so many consequences. In other news, we’ve gone to the exercise park two days in a row, and if our weather holds out, we’ll do it again tomorrow. Mainly because now with Kaeidyn being out of school, it’s very rough on me mentally to be stuck inside the house with all four of the kids all day long. It never used to be like this, but lately, it’s just been absolutely rough.

None of the kids seem to be listening lately, they are all full of questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer, they are constantly arguing with each other or using their “friends” outside to gang up on one another. They’ve all just been a little out of control. The worst part is, just when we think any of our disciplinary tactics is working, it all just goes out the window in an instant.

For example, we had a really bad day the day before yesterday. So when the kids went to bed, they were told the safety gate was going up and if they took it down they would be grounded all day. Well, when I woke up the next morning, the safety gate was down and they had gotten into the juice crystals, which they’ve decided they like to lick their fingers and then stick them in the juice and suck it off their fingers. Yuck!

Or another example, stay in the yard or you get grounded from going outside to play. So they did fine for a little bit. They played nicely in the front yard. Then the boys came in and Kaeidyn wandered off three or four houses down… Needless to say she got grounded and had a pissy attitude for the rest of the day.

But no matter what kind of punishment we’ve tried so far, it doesn’t seem to get any better. For a few moments and then WHAM! They’re right back to being bad. We think it’s mostly just boredom, hence the visits to the exercise park. Also, it’s a little bit trying to get them tuckered out enough that bed time isn’t a two hour fight.

Today’s visit to the exercise park was interesting to say the least. We knew the weather wasn’t that great, it had started to get a little windy out and the clouds were graying, but we figured we had some time to play around. Within about five minutes of being there, a huge chunk of hail falls. Then another, and then it was beating down really hard. Hurt so bad when it bounced off your ears! So we rushed home to get out of the hail/rain. Once we got inside though, wouldn’t you know the sun came out…

I still wish I could just skip this month all together and that everything falls into place while I’m skipping it. Wishful thinking I suppose. Well that was a much longer rant than I intended. If you’re still reading, I thank you!


1 Comment

Sick Kids and Carpet Freshener


This week, I’ve written, deleted, re-written and decided not to publish at least 10 posts. I feel very stunted in my writing lately. I almost feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to report, nothing to write about. Even though, I know that’s 100% a lie.

First of all, 3 out of 4 of the kids have been sick ever since they got back from their Dad’s on Monday night. First was Kaeidyn throwing up in the middle of the night with a high fever the next day. I thought it might of been because of her knee. A few nights before, she had fallen off her bike onto the road and smashed up her knee pretty good. We took her to the hospital, since it looked like she had a rock stuck under her skin. Luckily, it really wasn’t that bad, and it just needed to be cleaned out really good and then have bandages on it. But I was sure she was sick because of her knee.

Upon checking it out, her knee was fine and it’s been healing well. Then I thought that maybe it was something that she at her Dad’s. I wrote Alfie a message on Facebook, telling him we need to start communicating about the kids more effectively. I was glad that I told him, but I feel like it’s just going to be like everything else I’ve ever told him…

So then Keirnan starts throwing up. He’s been fine outside of that, no fever or out of the usual tiredness. Then today, Kenzie starts throwing up and falls asleep way before the other kids – something that almost never happens.

It’s not the first time that they’ve gone to their Dad’s and come home sick. A huge part is gnawing at me and screaming in a pip-squeaky voice that it’s something emotional on their part. Stress, upset, something along those lines. And I have no idea how to go about approaching the subject with them, or Alfie or even myself. I’m at a complete loss about what to do, and at even more of a loss of how to go about finding out if it’s emotional or just a flu or something…

Outside of that, things have been going mostly good in all other departments. I’ve changed up hours at work, so instead of working 12 – 3, I now get to be there 9 – 12. It’s really no different going in at that time, and it’s been good so far. I got an email today asking that we all start dressing a little more professionally and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that.

I’m having such an issue with my weight and the way my stomach looks lately that it’s been really hard looking for clothes. Last weekend I decided I needed to get a new shirt. After 3 hours at the mall and over 20 shirts tried on, I walked out with nothing and everybody else got a brand new outfit. Everything I tried on felt wrong, felt awkward and I was so worried that none of it would fit after the pants debacle.

The Boyfriend and I have been doing really great lately. It’s been almost surprising to me how things have been going between us, and mostly how affectionate I’ve been towards him. I constantly long to touch him and feel his touch, and just know that he’s there. Even though I only work 3 hours a day, by the time it’s home time, I can’t wait to see him.

What’s surprising is that I’m finding more often that I’m beginning to notice little annoying habits of his. This is normally the point in the relationship where I would start nagging about those habits, or bitch to someone about the habit, or give him the silent treatment or overreact in some way. But I seem to have an infinite amount of patience with him. I don’t seem to get upset or angry or flustered, unless my Mom’s bitching about it, that he forgets to take the garbage out for days on end, or has to start a load in the washer more than once because he forgets about it. It bothers me for the moment that I notice, and then nothing. I tell him to do it, he says he will and that’s the last I say about it and I’m doing really good with it. It feels good.

I’m not saying that I’ve become a completely un-nagging girlfriend, because I’m sure that I still nag. I just don’t feel like I’m such a bitch and when I get up and say to him, “Okay, you have to take the garbage out now!”, he gets up without hesitation and does it, as long as I say it has to be now and not something like “later on tonight”, because that results in the procrastination. And even more surprising is that I don’t blame him for that. I’ve finally come to accept that other people besides me can procrastinate too.

The house is slowly getting cleaner, so that’s a super huge plus. I’ve been trying to really darn hard to do something everyday, even if it’s just something small. Today, we did an awesome job of cleaning the living room and we finally got to the floor underneath of the computer desk. I think it’s because I bought myself carpet freshener. That always seems to get me motivated to clean something!

Then, we got to go to the library again and I managed to outdo my record of 26 items to 33 items. I feel like it’s just going to get worse… But I love that when I’m not in the mood for one particular book, I can just move onto the next move and come back to the first book when I’m in the mood. I’ve been reading like it’s going out of style. Right now, I’ve got 4 books on the go, but technically only 2 of them count because 2 of them are fitness/nutrition books.

We’ve had a lot of rainy days, which only sucks because I’d really like to be trying to hit up the exercise park every once and awhile. I really enjoyed the last time we went, since The Boyfriend and I recently got a badminton set, and I love playing badminton. I’m not one much for playing other sports, but badminton is competitive without ever really feeling like a competition and everyone looks like a dork playing badminton, it’s not like I could out-dorkify someone. And except for the sore abs after my 30 awesome wab board crunches, I felt really good after running around and doing some good old exercise. I’m hoping the weather will get better soon.

Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Nothing really new, nothing’s really changed, and yet it’s all different and feels the same. How’s your last week been? Anyone sick at your house? How’s work going for you? What’s your weather like?