The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?


Tonight, as I lounged in a hot bath chowing down on cucumber (which I’ve been craving lately, that and other fruits and veggies, something that never happens for me…) and reading some Sherlock Holmes, I started thinking about all these things I want to do with my life and all the things that I want to get done and have. And in the past, I’ve frequently said that it would be easier if The Boyfriend would just set rules for me that would result in punishments and rewards and blah blah blah…

As I said, just a few days ago, I’ve become really complacent about his interest in the whole thing. Tonight though, I started thinking about how I could just do it all for myself. I could make the rules and punish myself if I don’t do them, and reward myself if I do. A lot of my kinks can be done mostly alone and the ones that can’t, well it really doesn’t make a difference at this point in my life – either way, I’ll be getting more than I’ll be losing!

I laid for a little longer, my face turning red from the heat of the water, and began thinking “Hey dumbass, you just recently put a program on the computer that will even help you do this whole thing. You could pick how you want to look each day of the week and change the permissions, you could randomize the punishments so that you never know what you’re going to get and most importantly, you can keep track of it all” and immediately, I went about thinking up all the permissions and rules and punishments I could give myself and still keep it kinky and sexual, so that in a way, I was being my very own Dominant.

And then it occurred to me, and I bolted up out of the water and pondered, “I… My own Dominant….”!

To this very moment, I cannot tell you how I feel about this. I mean, isn’t that basically just life. It makes me feel like a total genius and a total moron all at the same time. The total moron aspect is that that is exactly what we all are. We are all the dominants of ourselves. We control our actions, we make rules based off of literally everything for ourselves and we reward and punish ourselves in whichever way we deem necessary. We are our own dominants… And it’s just ridiculous that I can’t think of life that way and not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t.

I also feel like doing this is the absolute form of topping from the bottom, something that I personally wouldn’t like to do. I mean, you are literally being the dominant to your own self as a submissive. It feels like topping from the bottom… Wouldn’t it? And at what point do I become okay enough for myself to do that so that I can get some kinky pleasure? Ugh, it’s just a ton of questions.

So then, I get out of the bath and begin to prep my nails for painting (pics to come) and then, an entirely new thought springs to me and seriously people, tell me if it totally sucks, okay?

You, people of the internet, could be my very own Dominant(s). I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week. You could decide what my punishment for that action could be. Then, through the program and this blog, we could easily go about tracking my behavior, creating goals together and having tons of fun a long the way. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now either a) Val doesn’t like online submission (as I’m sure I’ve said somewhere before) OR b) Why not just get one single online Dominant?, to which I will refer you to point A. And the biggest reason why I don’t like online submission is not because I’m absolutely against it, it’s strictly because to The Boyfriend it is still cheating and to me, it’s cheating.

Surely, it’s not the same if it’s a handful of blog readers or social network followers and really, it shouldn’t hurt anyone if the benefits are that I might actually accomplish something… (Comment with your thoughts…)

But I want it to be kinky 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+


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All I Can Think About…


 

All day today, whenever I’ve had just a spare moment to think, I completely blank out and all I can think about is:

That’s Right!
Spanking!

I want it for fun, I want it for pleasure, I want it for punishment, I want it for pain, I want it for foreplay and I want it all the time! All I seem to keep going back to is having a nice bare hand come down on my firm bare ass. I long to feel my skin flinch beneath the force and I crave my moans of ecstacy.

I want to be made to bend this way and that, in whatever angle my ass looks most pleasing, and I want a succession of blows rained upon it. I want my cheeks to swell and pulse with the hot redness only bare hands can provide and I want to feel on fire with the passion that is gravitating towards my dampening lips.

I desperately want to be flung over his knee and pinned down as I struggle against the burning contact. I want him to pull my head back and gently slip his finger into me, before continuing to spank me, telling me that I’ve been a very dirty and yet still a very good girl. I want to be made to suck his cock as he continues to slap my bare behind, the skin scorching and my pussy frantically desiring him in it.

Even after a build up that feels as if it lasts forever, the sex begins and he steadily and rhythmically slaps my flesh, causing me to screech and flinch with every thrust. He slows down and slaps my ass harder and then thrusts faster and harder as sharper slaps fall on my flesh. I push against it, sweat dripping from my hair and no matter how hard he slaps, I still crave it harder and faster and rougher.

And of course, every time I think it, I also think, “This will never be my reality…”


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But…


I am so ready for this month to be over. I know it just started and everything, but I wish it’d just end already. Hell, I’m ready for the next few months to be over because I just don’t want to deal with all of this crap.

So first things first, our hot water gets cut off. No big deal, most of what gets done around the house doesn’t need hot water and for the things that do, there’s always boiling pots of water on the stove. And luckily, for now, my Mom only lives a block and a half away, showers can be taken at her house.

Then, our electricity gets cut off. Again, thank goodness for my Mom (and her boyfriend…), so that we’re not sitting here in the dark without the ability to put movies on for the kids or use our stove – because the 2 1/2 days of that was pure hell!

I’m not exactly sure where and how everything financially speaking is getting so out of control. Yes, if we could quit smoking it would save us a pretty penny, eventually or something. But that’s not exactly 100% doable. When we work it out on paper and create our monthly budget, and that’s over pricing how much we spend on things like take out or how much our grocery bill is, once the money starts rolling in, it just doesn’t work.

So after we got the electricity turned back on, we thought we were going to be okayish, at least for a bit. Then the dreaded rent payment day arrived. I seriously hate this time of month, because I never have all of rent on the 1st. Well, not never. It’s happened before and I’m sure eventually it will happen again. But with the way our paydays work, it’s easier to pay half on the 1st and the other half a week later, and I’m lucky enough to have a landlord that will let that happen.

But lately, he’s been feeling some financial strain himself, so he’s on everyone’s case to start paying on time. So now, for everyday we’re late there’s a $20 late fee. I always hate that kind of stuff, because if I couldn’t afford to pay you all of your rent on time, what makes you think that I can afford to pay you $20 for every additional day that I don’t pay. It doesn’t logically make sense. But that’s the dice that has been rolled and now I have to deal with it.

Which in turn makes me so sure that we’re going to be coming up on an eviction right away… Which wouldn’t be so bad since we’re all wanting to move, but the chances of finding something in our “budget” that will allow a total of 6 people to live there is not going to be easy. Every time I think about it, it just reminds me of the constant gut-wrenching horribleness when I was looking for this place.

I don’t know how many places I called back then, but it was ALOT! It took me weeks of searching (almost an entire month), tons of tears and more than enough hope and disappointment. The second I said that I had 3 kids, 2 at home and 1 in the hospital, people automatically turned me down. I had to look for 3 bedrooms, even though I knew I could never afford a 3 bedroom. I was lucky as hell to find this place, especially when I did, because I definitely didn’t want to bring Keirnan home from the hospital to a hotel room…

So needless to say, things are stressful around here. I was supposed to go pay a portion of the rent today, but we don’t have any of it. So I have to call my landlord tomorrow and tell him that he’ll have to wait for the full amount until the 8th, when we’ll be getting a paycheck and a payday loan to pay off rent. Which just screws us over for rent next month, but it’s necessary right now. And that’s making it all the worse, because I can just see it’s going to be a long hard road financially speaking…

Then there’s all the stuff I have to do this week, and my Mom’s rushing me to get it done now, now, now. Which I understand and totally get, but while I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, adding a few more things to the list is seriously bumming me out. It’s making it so hard for me to force myself out of bed every morning, because my list just keeps getting longer and longer. When I think I’ve fixed one thing, ten more things get added. It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming and frankly, it’s just plain annoying!

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I’m really just venting, because this is fixable, or at least in some ways I believe it is. To a degree. I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to the stress, I’m not looking forward to the work, I would rather just not do it… Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

So, I threw out a few resumes this week. I really don’t want to leave my job and I’m hoping that I’ll find something that works around this job. But otherwise, I need something full-time, that’s going to earn me a full-time wage. We’re also trying to cut down on other costs, though it’s still in the very beginning stages. But things like turning off the lights when we leave a room, except the bathroom (because I can’t sleep without that light…). Even though we’ve been sucking at it, turning off the TV when both The Boyfriend and I are on our respective computers.

I’m hoping this week, we can try to at least cut down on the smoking. I wish we could just quit it cold turkey, but I honestly panic when I think about it. It’s kind of become my safety blanket. When I’m upset with the kids, I have a smoke with the hopes it will calm me down. When I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, I have a smoke. It’s not even the smoke itself that calms me down, it’s the exhaling of the smoke that calms me down. Watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I’m not ready to quit yet… I know, I know, they’re all just excuses.

I’ve also got a bunch of errands that I have to run tomorrow, which makes it a hectic Monday, which I always hate! First thing in the morning, gotta go over to Mom’s for a shower. Then the bus, then work, then quickly to the library to drop off overdue movies and then to go get the kids birth certificates so that I can get Carter on my child tax benefit. I know, I know, I should have done that a year and a half ago…

So many mistakes, so many consequences. In other news, we’ve gone to the exercise park two days in a row, and if our weather holds out, we’ll do it again tomorrow. Mainly because now with Kaeidyn being out of school, it’s very rough on me mentally to be stuck inside the house with all four of the kids all day long. It never used to be like this, but lately, it’s just been absolutely rough.

None of the kids seem to be listening lately, they are all full of questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer, they are constantly arguing with each other or using their “friends” outside to gang up on one another. They’ve all just been a little out of control. The worst part is, just when we think any of our disciplinary tactics is working, it all just goes out the window in an instant.

For example, we had a really bad day the day before yesterday. So when the kids went to bed, they were told the safety gate was going up and if they took it down they would be grounded all day. Well, when I woke up the next morning, the safety gate was down and they had gotten into the juice crystals, which they’ve decided they like to lick their fingers and then stick them in the juice and suck it off their fingers. Yuck!

Or another example, stay in the yard or you get grounded from going outside to play. So they did fine for a little bit. They played nicely in the front yard. Then the boys came in and Kaeidyn wandered off three or four houses down… Needless to say she got grounded and had a pissy attitude for the rest of the day.

But no matter what kind of punishment we’ve tried so far, it doesn’t seem to get any better. For a few moments and then WHAM! They’re right back to being bad. We think it’s mostly just boredom, hence the visits to the exercise park. Also, it’s a little bit trying to get them tuckered out enough that bed time isn’t a two hour fight.

Today’s visit to the exercise park was interesting to say the least. We knew the weather wasn’t that great, it had started to get a little windy out and the clouds were graying, but we figured we had some time to play around. Within about five minutes of being there, a huge chunk of hail falls. Then another, and then it was beating down really hard. Hurt so bad when it bounced off your ears! So we rushed home to get out of the hail/rain. Once we got inside though, wouldn’t you know the sun came out…

I still wish I could just skip this month all together and that everything falls into place while I’m skipping it. Wishful thinking I suppose. Well that was a much longer rant than I intended. If you’re still reading, I thank you!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Punished…


It seems like almost all day today, I’ve been thinking about and fantasizing about punishment in an erotic sort of way… It’s gotten increasingly stronger all day and that last episode of Star Trek (Voyager, Season 3, Episode: Favorite Son) pushed it straight over the edge as a group of women bonded themselves to another male with black sashes on his wrists, eyes and mouth.

Kink in general has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I have a craving at least once a day for a spanking – it’s been so damn long since I’ve had one that I almost don’t even remember what it feels like or why I seriously enjoy it… At least twice this week alone I’ve felt angry that I’ve spent money on a flogger and a crop that never gets used…

Unfortunately, no matter how much I beg or how much I ask for it or how much we discuss it, it seems like we never ever get closer to the sort of relationship dynamic I long for. It probably wouldn’t even bother me so much if he’d just show a little tiny bit of interest.

Lately, all I’ve been able to think about is being punished. Being caned for my disobedience, or being put in the corner or not being allowed to make eye contact or something… I want us to have rules that I have to listen to or it will result in punishment, period with no exceptions. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, but we would figure out a way to make it work and be hella erotic all at the same time.

It would be so hot if say one of the rules was that I had to have some area of the house cleaned by a certain time. If I didn’t have it done by that time, then he would whisper in my ear that as soon as the kids are asleep, I will be punished for my wrong doing. Then after all the kids are asleep, wham! I get the punishment and am taught a valuable lesson about why I should listen to the rules. When you listen, you get rewards, rewards full of pleasure.

I wonder if it’s even worth it to keep dreaming of this stuff. I’ve made my vanilla bed and now I have to lie in it. Part of me feels like I should just forget about all my interests in kink, because it’s really getting me nowhere. The other part of me remembers how wonderful it was getting it for that short period of time and it’s fighting me to hold onto it… I hate feeling confused about my sexuality in this way, because I’m normally so sure, but lately, not so much. I feel like I’m so stuck in this in-between type of place, and it’s frustrating.