The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Musing


I so desperately want to upload videos to my YouTube channel, like terribly badly, but I seriously suck at this piano thing. Every single time I play, in the moment, I’m like “Oh yeah, this is my jam!” and then I listen back to it and it just sounds like utter crap!!

I sat in front of my computer for the last 2 1/2 hours, rocking out with my Casio. And I sucked…

I want to put something on  YouTube for everyone and I just can’t bring myself to let anyone witness this crap. I even have a slight issue with The Boyfriend listening again, since I made him suffer the first time around…

And man oh man, how does he do it?!? I would be so annoyed by listening to all these songs slowed down and butchered and just tortured and beaten black and blue. I miss my freaking guitar!!!!!

See, the issue is that I’m too old to learn this stuff by myself now. And while I know that that’s a lie, if I really dedicated myself to it I could learn this freaking instrument, I just can’t bring myself to get any better. I’ve been practicing every once and awhile and every time I think I’m starting to get the hang of something, it just slaps me in the face every time I watch these videos.

I figured it wouldn’t sting so much if I waited a longer period in between when I played and when I watched the video, and it doesn’t. Simply, for an absolute matter of fact, I am just better with wind instruments like the bassoon and stringed instruments like the guitar and I’m pissed that I don’t have either of those things…

I miss my guitar…

P.S. If you didn’t know, the title to this post, “Musing” is an homage to my most beloved guitar, she was a beauty and the story behind her is a little romantic. You wanna hear it?

Okay, for those of you who stuck around.

The Boyfriend and I had been dating a few months when my birthday rolled around. He insisted that I get a babysitter on the day and told me we were going for a ride. He begins driving through the industrial area of town and I’m getting more and more confused as to where we’re going and why we’re in this part of town. He pulls up to a building and all I see is a sign about something to do with audio, that’s it.

As he pulls open the door, I am greeted by a wall of guitars. Electrics, acoustics, steel and my jaw drops. He puts his hand on my neck (like we did when we were out in public back then) and tells me, “Pick one” – total Cinderella moment. We spent hours there, me trying to find the perfect sound, him trying to act interested. When I picked up my Muse, I knew she was the one.

I can’t even remember what kind of guitar it was, except that it was an electric/acoustic. But she was beautiful and as soon as I got her home, I was writing songs. I wrote a good deal of songs on my Muse – of course, none of which I can remember. And then…

I did not take good enough care of her. If I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve created an untouchable shrine for her. Alas, I left her where the kids could touch her and slowly over time, she broke. It took me years to finally throw her in the garbage and I’m sure I cried the day that I did…


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Moody McMooderson


Today, I have felt like I’m on a roller coaster ride with my emotions. I’m all over the place. I wake up this morning and I’m all happy-go-lucky, then I watch some YouTube and for some reason, begin to get extremely agitated. The kids came home from school and at first I was all in love, then I was all annoyed and then, as dinner finished baking, I was sentimental and playful.

We watched Raising Hope on Netflix (which is such a cute show and I can’t believe I missed it when we still had cable…) and I flopped from not being able to hear it well enough one moment, to laughing or tearing up the next (depending on the situation in the show). The older kids went to bed, so immediately I felt relief and if a sigh didn’t actually escape my lips, it definitely had glided out of my body.

So I decided, what a perfect time to whip out the piano and play me some tuneage. But then, Carter came up behind me and started reaching around my arms to get at the keys. Instead of letting this consume me with bitterness, I succumbed to it and let him play with me. We experimented with the sounds, we played some stuff together and I even let him play alone. After a good 45 minutes had went by, I decided I was done. It was my turn to play.

We got him into bed, happily cradling his bottle, and I sat down in front of the keyboard again. As I struck the first note, The Boyfriend grabbed his Xbox mic, slid it onto his head and began, “Hey, how are you?”. See, he’s started playing Modern Warfare online with some of his buddies from work. It keeps him incredibly entertained and if it didn’t make him feel so guilty always playing video games, I’d never see him again.

I’m used to this kind of behavior. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had would rather spend all his spare time playing video games or watching movies that I sincerely hate. The Boyfriend is the worst for this! His only hobby is his video games (oh, and sort of Nascar… That one’s way less annoying though!), so whenever he can he likes to get on there and now that he’s got friends who play, he insists on putting this mic on.

When I’m not playing piano, I think it’s cute. It doesn’t bother me since I’m not making any other noises than typing when he’s playing his games. I’m okay with his nerdy social life. So my emotions went crazy during the first few minutes of this. First I was just outright annoyed, then I was “okay” with it because I had decided that I was just going to suck at piano anyways, so what was the point. I went out to the kitchen and got myself a drink and refilled Carter’s bottle and decided that I was just going to play piano. Whatever if I sucked, whatever about The Boyfriend’s mic. It doesn’t affect his time on it when I’m playing and I’ve done it before so what’s the difference.

I sit in front of my keyboards all ready to conquer that stuff, and look up at the screen and just feel completely bored! Needless to say, I haven’t played piano, I’m moodier than I like to be, I’m missing a guitar like crazy and I want to work on my website but I feel to moody! ARGH!!!


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Not a Whole Heck of a lot New…


Not a whole heck of a lot going on around here lately. I’ve been hard at work on the re-design of Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, which is going okay I guess. I don’t want to add too much to the site before the re-design because that’s more work for me once it comes time. I’m hoping we’ll upgrade the site in November and then shut it down for the re-design in December and relaunch in January. That’s the plan as it stands so far.

The cool thing about the upgrade and re-design is that I’ll finally have a chatroom on the site and we’ll even offer video uploading, which I’ve wanted on the site for a long time. I’ll also finally be free of the limit on the number of members that can join – not that that really matters, because the 50 members that I currently have on there are almost never participating. It seems to pick up every once and awhile and then they all disappear and you don’t hear from them forever. I need to figure out how to change that…

I’ve also been playing a lot of my electric keyboards lately. I swear I’m never going to get the hang of this… I seem to have the basics down, but going any further than that seems like it’s physically impossible. I think I’m just not made for electric keyboards. I’m made for the guitar! One day, I’ll get a new one, but right now, it’s just really not in the budget.

The biggest thing that I’m noticing, besides the fact that I can only play something so stupidly simple with my left hand, is that my rhythm seems to get a little screwed up no matter how well I know the song. I either start off too slow or too fast and then have to adjust later on in the song. However, I am learning a lot of songs that I wouldn’t typically learn on the guitar. The Boyfriend has also gotten more involved in picking which songs I should learn next, so that’s been really fun.

In other news, everyone is still battling this cold. It almost feels like we’ll never be healthy again… I’m blaming it on the weather we’re having. It isn’t exactly bad weather, but it’s the season change. It also seems like once one of us begins getting over the cold, someone else gets it really bad, and then we’re all back to sick. It’s taking a toll on everything!

So that’s pretty much we’re doing around here. Anyone got any awesome plans for Halloween?