The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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I Guess I Needed This…


So, yesterday apparently was a much more intense day than even I thought it was. In total, I started (and never finished) 5 different blog posts, varying in nature. To quote from the first:

“I am getting so sick of these kids and their inability to listen. I don’t know what it is, if they’re hearing me in a foreign language or something, but it’s getting exhausting now.”

This was written right after I had been woken up to the boys spilling ketchup all over the house. Okay, I exaggerate. Not spilling, more like drip-dropping it in a trail leading from the living room down the stairs. And it seemed to go on all day, this kind of behavior. Just not listening and being generally hard to deal with.

A few hours later, after the kids had officially gotten on the very last nerve I had available yesterday, I wrote:

“I’ve begun so many different posts over the last few days. And every single time, I get two or three sentences in and then I just give up. Partially, it’s because I feel like I’m sounding so differently bitchy and I hate that. Partially, it’s because I’m writing about the kids and I seriously don’t know how to write about it, without coming off sounding like a shitty mom. And frankly, I am so sick and tired of sounding like a shitty mom. Because I know I’m not. I’m not the worst mom out there and I’m not even the worst mom on my own street, but some days, you wake up and you just feel that way.”

By the time The Boyfriend got home yesterday, all I could think about was needing a break from the kids. I had to go pay rent yesterday, so I got to get out of the house for a little bit with my Mom and honestly, I was so thankful for that hour or so we spent out. I am just not doing very well with this stay-at-home thing this time. I remember a day when I used to enjoy it. Albeit, the kids were much younger then and I had less of them. But yesterday was also an exceptionally rough day with them.

At some point, I snapped at them and began, “Why can’t you guys just listen to me, just once? Why can’t we have one day where I don’t have to get mad at anyone? Why?!?”

I was absolutely surprised and taken aback, when one of them quickly responded, “Because we miss our Daddy!” I have a hard time with this statement all the time. Because I have so many mixed emotions that explode all at once. In the amount of time it takes them to blurt out this statement, I run the gamut of feelings, from anger and bitterness to sadness and something akin to regret. Regret, of course, isn’t exactly the right word, because I don’t believe in it, but something like it. So I never respond the way that I often imagine that I would, because you think about these things.

You think about how you’re going to explain your break-up to your kids, especially when they’re old enough to remember how badly it ended. And you think about how much you don’t want to say bad things about their other parent, even though you are still hurt and affected by it. So you spend time, roleplaying in your mind what conversations like these will look like with your kids. For me, it’s always Kaeidyn that I’m most worried about having these talks with. Not only does she have a superb memory, she also tends to get the most upset about the whole thing. The boys were really too young to get that Mommy and Daddy were breaking up, but Kaeidyn remembers it. And remembers the 4 1/2 horrible months after the break-up and most of all, has mixed feelings about the whole thing herself. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the talks with her and what I’m going to say.

But when they come up, all those scripts that I made up, fly right out the window. I forget what I was going to say to them, I forget that they have their own emotions regarding it, and it’s the one things the kids can say that can shut me up in an instant. And I hate it! It makes me sad that my kids have to go through it, and it makes me mad that I have to. And none of this would’ve happened if we didn’t start answering the phone when he called. But we did, so then he started calling every week. And every week, he tells the kids, “Next weekend, I’ll be down to visit”. And every week, guess who doesn’t come visit.

And I understand, I really do. I understand that he has a life, he doesn’t have a lot of money, he doesn’t have a lot of support, he needs to work. I get that. But at the same time, the rest of us have lives and the rest of us don’t have a lot of money and the rest of us need to work, and yet here we are EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the dirt with this stuff. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we’re going to be parents and it pisses me off that he gets to! And, moreso, that he gets to at the cost of my kids’ emotions. And after 4 years, at the cost of my own emotions. I hate that we broke up but I’m still stuck having to think about him. Not because I want to, but because I have to!

So, while the conversation with the kids didn’t go the way I wanted it to and I’m sure the very first sentence came out WAY meaner than was necessary, we did talk about it and I think today, they’re all doing a little bit better with it. Kaeidyn was most upset about him lying to her and she kept, “Why can’t he just tell us the truth?!” and all I could say to her is that I think that’s something she’ll have to ask her Dad. And honestly, I’m scared of that conversation between the two of them. I’m scared that he’ll keep lying to her, like he did with everybody else, and I’m going to have a brokenhearted 7-year-old on my hands, and I’m not going to know how to deal with it.

Well, that is definitely not what I started this blog post intending to write… But, I guess that’s what I needed to write about, so there it is.


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Projecting Past Relationships


So it’s now it’s almost been a week since the last fight that The Boyfriend and I got into (a minor one, but a fight nonetheless) and I still feel like the entire issue hasn’t been resolved, even though we’re both acting like it has been. Him especially. Unfortunately, it’s causing me more emotional turmoil with each passing day. And now it’s not because of anything to do with the original issue.

Yesterday was an incredibly rough day to start out with. My Mom had asked, “How are you and The Boyfriend doing?” and next thing you know, I was snapping all over the place about it. I thought it wasn’t that bad, but then I realized that I was still really rattled by it. Ever since, it seems like I’m finding faults in The Boyfriend that I never thought he had before, all because of this stupid incident.

I’m not sure if it was my Mom or me who put it out there that maybe I was projecting a little bit (a massive under-exaggeration) of what Alfie and I’s relationship was onto what The Boyfriend and I’s relationship is. It’s hard when you spend 6 years of your life with a person, and there is so much betrayal and lying and sneaking around, to remember that not every guy is going to be like that. To remember that just because I was so badly hurt by Alfie doesn’t mean that The Boyfriend is out to badly hurt me too.

I can’t believe how much I’ve written about this in the last few days. My notebook at work has a good 7 or 8 pages dedicated just to this situation (with the odd, “Oh my word, work is being incredibly boring today” thrown in there). I keep trying to convince myself that I’m not wrong for being upset about this and it sucks, because I really am upset about it. Again, it’s not the app, it’s the reaction. And I keep thinking that his reaction, or lack thereof,  is speaking much louder than he ever could about how he feels about this relationship. And I hate hate hate that!!

I just wish we could go back to before I found out about this. Then again, at some point, I’d probably find out about it and imagine how much more upset I’d be if this was something he kept from me for months and months on end. For all I know, it has been months… I also keep thinking, if it was such a tiny and insignificant thing, why did he want to keep it hidden? I keep wondering, what was really on there. And of course, he’s deleted it now, so there’s no way I’ll ever be able to confirm whether or not he’s lying or telling the truth. And that bugs me a lot.

I keep saying that all I want is an apology. But really, all I want is for him to take accountability for his actions. That was always my biggest contention in Alfie and I’s relationship, is that he would never be accountable for the things that he did. Instead, he’d find a way to blame it on me, or blame it on his family or mine. So of course, because he won’t take accountability, he won’t acknowledge that what he did was in any way wrong (and it was because he knew it would make me mad), I automatically start thinking “He’s just like Alfie”… And slowly everything snowballs to all I can see and hear is Alfie. Every action, every movement, everything, even though it’s him standing there, it feels like it’s not him and instead it’s the guy that I did a hell of a lot to get away from!!

I hate how every guy I’ve ever dated says to me, “I’m not like most guys!” and I’m beginning to realize that if it walks like a guy, and talks like a guy, then it’s a freaking guy! And I really truly believed that The Boyfriend was nothing like most guys. I’ve gone through the last 3 years thinking he’s more compassionate, more sensitive, more caring, more respectful, more loving, etc. than most guys, and this one little thing is completely proving me wrong. Because a compassionate, caring, sensitive and respectful guy, in my opinion, would not carry on doing things that he clearly knows upset his girlfriend. He knew the second he downloaded that app, that if I found out about it, I would be upset.

And the worst part of it all is, we’ll never freaking know. We’ll never know if he would’ve just let me find that app, how I would’ve reacted to it. He didn’t even give me the chance to be upset about the app. Instead, I get to feel upset about all the things that I believe this now means. Which is definitely far worse than just being upset about the app. Now on top of upset, I feel hurt and I’m in hardcore questioning everything that our relationship has been mode.

It just all seems so much more complicated and complex than it could have been and that’s just bugging the crap out of me. It could’ve been so different…

NOTE: This was written a day or two ago and it seems that things have died down. I haven’t been thinking about the incident as much and while nothing has been said about the incident, I do feel like his overall demeanor towards me has been that of minor remorse. I don’t think he ever thinks ahead of time of how what he does affects other people. I guess this is just another one of those issues we’ll be continuing working on overcoming. Next time though, it better be different!!