The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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I Feel S**tty, Oh So S**tty…


Today, I am feeling like a shitty person. Just all around like every move I make is the wrong one. I woke up this morning with the kids to get them ready for school. I felt like I could’ve stayed up, but The Boyfriend was home and looked so comfy and warm that I crawled in next to him and proceeded to sleep half the day away…

Waking up by this point was easy, but my desire to do anything has been gone all day. I got none of the cleaning done that I had hoped to do today and I’ve felt overly stressed out for no apparent reason. Then, Kaeidyn and Kenzie came home from school.

Immediately, all the kids are out of control. It feels like every second someone is getting in trouble. After everyone’s fed, The Boyfriend and I finally get beyond annoyed with not being listened to and send Kenzie and Keirnan upstairs for an early bedtime. I am consumed with guilt because they’ve been so terrible that they are now missing their Christmas concert. They were warned that if they kept it up they wouldn’t be going…

Alas, I still feel like the worst mom in the world. Because really, I didn’t want to go in the first place and I’m halfway grateful that the boys were so rotten… It saves me from having to do something I was dreading and isn’t that just horrible?…

So now, I’m sitting here desperately trying to keep myself from thinking too much about anything because I just feel like everything I do is crappy… I suck and I hate thinking about that…

In other, completely unrelated news, I got the most interesting request today. A message on FetLife about my past erotica writing and this person that I’m chatting with asks if I would write a story with them in it. I had never even considered this as an option but now that it’s been presented to me, I’m incredibly intrigued and think I might give it a serious go. Should be interesting!

Well, back to keeping my mind occupied…


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Miseria Cantare (The Beginning)


I’ve always wanted someone to ask me how long I’ve been blogging for, because I’ve always been curious myself. I don’t know how long I’ve been blogging for to be completely sure. I know I wrote for a little while on a site called MyDiary, I think it was, though I couldn’t tell you what I wrote about or what name I used while writing it. I also made multiple websites using Angelfire that included blogs from as early as 2003 or something like that.

But my first dedicated effort at blogging, when I really began putting some weight behind an account, was in 2008. Using Opera and the pen name “Unpredictable Angel”, I began treading lightly through the blogosphere with my first post, Miseria Cantare (The Beginning). At the time, I was a 21-year-old mom of 3 and in a relationship with Alfie (the dad of my oldest three kids, in case you didn’t know) and it really was a disaster…

Kenzie, Mommy & Keirnan, Kaeidyn

This blog is definitely much more raw than what I write now and even what I wrote when I was doing The Rantings of a Tortured Mind (PG & XXX Rated Editions). I reveal a whole heck of a lot in a short period of time and reading through it am actually a little shocked. I mean, at the time, this was exactly what I needed and the entire reason why I started blogging. I was coming out of a major depressive episode (which had landed me in the mental institution more than once) and I was in way over my head on so many different levels that, to this day, I am shocked that I survived.

I can definitely see why this blog upset some people and can completely understand why I don’t blog like it anymore, although sometimes I miss how sincere these posts were. Like the one where I describe my first suicide attempt and the events and situations surrounding it. Or the one where I describe my second suicide attempt… Or the one where I go off about how hard it is for me as a mom to all the kids (and this is prior to the fourth and I totally need to read this the next time I feel like a crappy mom, because I sound downright bad here…). Or the post that is my first official go at a disclaimer!

In one post, I write a little fictional story or something – trust me, I have no idea what brought this about, but reading through it now, I’m totally vibing a particular section. Maybe, I’m Lola…

“But you underestimate the power of passion. When a girl is born from passion, and perfectly manifests passion, she can not hold back what has already been done. And unfortunately at times, passion has no boundaries and passion is bold. When passion manifests from one who was born from passion, at a young age a girl discovers who she is and what she wants, because she has the drive to do so, and so she does.”

 

Talking about soundtracks to people’s lives and how wishing life was more like TV, and in what I’m now going to call my finest hour, “It makes me sad that I’m one of those people, who just watches TV and wishes somehow my life could be like that. Just funny, or with background music.” and moments later in my not so finest hour, “…the sex is good, but I can live without it…”. Oh, how times have changed…

 

In another post, I go into great lengthy detail about how intense a bout of depression that I went through had gotten and how seriously it was affecting me. I discuss my worries about taking medication to help with the depression, which I ended up never going back on meds and for the most part have done pretty well without, though I have considered returning to medication especially around storm season. “The thing that I think a lot of people forget, is that it’s easy to be sane when you’re in a mental hospital.”

I also experienced the same problem with Alfie that I’m currently experiencing with The Boyfriend regarding munches and kink. Interestingly enough, in both situations the guys were into it prior to me having a baby, and then I pop one out and they all turn vanilla. Maybe it’s the oxytocin or something… That is something someone should study!

Kenzie (about 1 1/2)

Well, that was an interesting little trip down memory lane. There’s still more to read on there, but I figure I’ve shared a whole heck of a lot tonight. One of these days I’m going to go through my other blogs too and we’ll see what happens then 😉


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Lots About Kaeidyn…


Parent/Teacher Conferences Tonight… I just know I’m going to hear something about all the school Keirnan has missed. We need to figure out what’s causing us all to be so sick so often, that way we can get Keirnan to school more often! Luckily, this cold isn’t being nearly as brutal as all the others. I think I’m on Day 5 now and except for a small scratch in my throat, I feel pretty okay. Unfortunately, and yes I’m blaming the cold, one of my teeth is now acting up and my mouth is killing me.

We need to all get in and see a dentist but right now it’s just not in the budget. So, I’m trying to apply for some assistance on that level but my Adobe Reader isn’t working for some reason, even though I just downloaded the newest version. I will try again later on today. I have a feeling that I’m going to get my teeth looked at and they’re going to say that all of them need to come out. That scares the crap out of me!

Really, what I’m noticing, is that we need to figure out a way to force ourselves to get healthier in general. I really need to get vitamins for the kids, we all need to start drinking milk (I can’t even remember the last time I had milk…) and we just need to start taking in more nutrients – because I think that’s part of the problem. Our bodies can’t function properly because they don’t have the power they need…

The Boyfriend took his cast off yesterday, so he finally has use of both his hands. Instead of going to the doctors, he spent a few hours with a pair of scissors or something and just cut the thing off himself. Don’t ask me why he didn’t just go to the doctors, I was half asleep for most of the day yesterday, fighting this hurting tooth pretty hard.

Got the kids report cards yesterday. They had actually come out awhile back, but the kids hadn’t been at school for the week because of their colds, so just got them yesterday. Both Kaeidyn and Kenzie are either doing excellent in every area or are meeting expectations. The only area that they both got “Needs developing” for was in self-assessment, which doesn’t surprise me – don’t we all! Kaeidyn’s the only one that’s getting actual grades, and right now is sitting at about a C average. This seems to be pretty typical of her. We can definitely tell she’s struggling more this year than last.

I think all the kids are and I blame it mostly on the fact that this school is teaching them completely differently than the last school. I mean, at Normandeau the big focus was on phonics. Learning to read and write by sounding it out. With Kaeidyn, this worked wonders. It was incredibly easy to help her with reading and writing. With Kenzie, they are doing sight-reading only, no phonics at all. It’s making it very hard to know how to support him in reading when I was taught and we taught Kaeidyn how to sound it out and with Kenzie, we can’t even go there. He’s not learning that.

Kaeidyn is even having an issue in math because they do the math so differently than she was taught. And don’t even get me started on how much I don’t understand her math, because they definitely never taught us how to do math like that when I was going to school. I often stare at her math homework, then give up and tell her to go ask The Boyfriend for help. Somehow, he tends to figure it all out. Really, he’s so good with them and their homework, helping them out with it. He’s so patient when helping Kenzie to read and him and Kaeidyn laugh a lot when they’re trying to do math and it’s always such a cute moment to watch. Not so much when I’m helping them with their homework. I get flustered and frustrated…

Yesterday, he’s helping Kaeidyn with a math question. It was a word question where she had to ultimately add 3 numbers to find out how many things total, were in a box of ornaments. She kept getting it wrong and couldn’t figure out where she was going wrong. Her and The Boyfriend are working on it when Kenzie starts bugging Kaeidyn that it should be easy. So she says, “Oh yeah, what’s 35 + 27 + 12?”. Kenzie pauses for a second and then responds, “Hard!”. My thoughts exactly 😉

We’re also having incredible issues with Kaeidyn about the break-in. She has only slept a few nights upstairs, otherwise she’s been down here sleeping with us. Last night, after really giving it a go upstairs, she came down frantically crying. I asked what she was so worried about and she starts going off about how she’s scared soldiers are going to break down our door and lock the kids in the basement, that they’re going to kill us all. Apparently it’s even been coming up at school a lot and she just seems overly stressed out and worried about it. We’re doing the best we know how to comfort and support her, but sometimes you just feel like you’re not doing enough. We just have to give her time.

So, that’s been these last few days. Lots more than I had originally thought I was going to write, so that’s good. Now to make it through these parent/teacher conferences!


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The Older Sister/Younger Brother Fight


Something is up with Kenzie and Kaeidyn. No idea for sure exactly what just yet, but something for sure. Maybe it’s too much time together, since they walk to school alone together most mornings. But these last 2 days have been total hell with the two of them. They’re constantly arguing with each other or comparing each other (all, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better!”), Kenzie’s almost always in tears about whatever happens between the two of them and Kaeidyn is always on the absolute defensive.

Here I am, stuck in the middle, waving a white flag and screaming on the inside, “I surrender, I surrender!”.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. Today, as they burst through the door, almost immediately they started telling the tale of what happened on the walk home. Kenzie started and then Kaeidyn burst through the door, “No, it actually happened like…” and the second she said the first word, Kenzie began crying “No, that’s not” and she yelled, “Yes” and he yelled, “No!” and I yelled, “STOP!”

I called Kenzie to me and took him in my arms. I looked at Kaeidyn and told her to go make after school snacks while I dealt with Kenzie. She did, but insisted on inserting her two cents every time she disagreed with Kenzie. At first, I was mainly just trying to calm him down, not actually trying to get much detail from him. Then, when Kenzie was calm he went out to the kitchen to help Kaeidyn and she hurt him. They hadn’t been home for 5 minutes…

I immediately went out there and told her to stop making the food and talk to me for a second. “Why are you being like this towards Kenzie?” and she begins crying out her side of what happened on the walk home. “He kept telling me which way to go home and he wouldn’t listen to me, and that got me really upset at him, and I don’t like getting upset like that and then he starts crying, so I try to be nice to him and he just keeps saying no!” and through this whole thing she’s blubbering and shaking and turning the crimson color of her shirt. What do I say to that?!? She knows what the issue is, I have no idea how to solve it, so I went to talk to Kenzie.

He tells the story much calmer and almost exactly the same way, but reveals a detail that she’s conveniently left out. The whole situation started over her telling him that she was worried they were going to get lost, because it was the first day that they walked home from school (even though it’s the exact same way they walk to school), but he wasn’t concerned because he remembered the way. When he told her this, she continued on to tell him that they should turn around and go back to the school and call me to come pick them up. Let the argument previously described commence!

Kaeidyn

Kenzie

While I know that the problem is solved by picking them up from school and I know that’s what I’ll be doing the next half day, because on full days I go pick them up anyways because Keirnan can’t leave without a parent. But, it’s not just this argument. They’ve been this way towards each other for days now. Kaeidyn has never been worried about getting lost, even when I was worried that she would. Kenzie’s behavior is really no surprise but Kaeidyn’s is so out of whack for her. She’s not normally one to hit her brothers unless it’s in a playful way. Something’s up with that little girl.

And I have absolutely no idea how to figure out what’s going on with her, no idea how to help her through whatever it is, no idea how to deal with her bursts and tantrums and I’m absolutely confuddled by her attitude. I’m very lost…


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I Guess I Needed This…


So, yesterday apparently was a much more intense day than even I thought it was. In total, I started (and never finished) 5 different blog posts, varying in nature. To quote from the first:

“I am getting so sick of these kids and their inability to listen. I don’t know what it is, if they’re hearing me in a foreign language or something, but it’s getting exhausting now.”

This was written right after I had been woken up to the boys spilling ketchup all over the house. Okay, I exaggerate. Not spilling, more like drip-dropping it in a trail leading from the living room down the stairs. And it seemed to go on all day, this kind of behavior. Just not listening and being generally hard to deal with.

A few hours later, after the kids had officially gotten on the very last nerve I had available yesterday, I wrote:

“I’ve begun so many different posts over the last few days. And every single time, I get two or three sentences in and then I just give up. Partially, it’s because I feel like I’m sounding so differently bitchy and I hate that. Partially, it’s because I’m writing about the kids and I seriously don’t know how to write about it, without coming off sounding like a shitty mom. And frankly, I am so sick and tired of sounding like a shitty mom. Because I know I’m not. I’m not the worst mom out there and I’m not even the worst mom on my own street, but some days, you wake up and you just feel that way.”

By the time The Boyfriend got home yesterday, all I could think about was needing a break from the kids. I had to go pay rent yesterday, so I got to get out of the house for a little bit with my Mom and honestly, I was so thankful for that hour or so we spent out. I am just not doing very well with this stay-at-home thing this time. I remember a day when I used to enjoy it. Albeit, the kids were much younger then and I had less of them. But yesterday was also an exceptionally rough day with them.

At some point, I snapped at them and began, “Why can’t you guys just listen to me, just once? Why can’t we have one day where I don’t have to get mad at anyone? Why?!?”

I was absolutely surprised and taken aback, when one of them quickly responded, “Because we miss our Daddy!” I have a hard time with this statement all the time. Because I have so many mixed emotions that explode all at once. In the amount of time it takes them to blurt out this statement, I run the gamut of feelings, from anger and bitterness to sadness and something akin to regret. Regret, of course, isn’t exactly the right word, because I don’t believe in it, but something like it. So I never respond the way that I often imagine that I would, because you think about these things.

You think about how you’re going to explain your break-up to your kids, especially when they’re old enough to remember how badly it ended. And you think about how much you don’t want to say bad things about their other parent, even though you are still hurt and affected by it. So you spend time, roleplaying in your mind what conversations like these will look like with your kids. For me, it’s always Kaeidyn that I’m most worried about having these talks with. Not only does she have a superb memory, she also tends to get the most upset about the whole thing. The boys were really too young to get that Mommy and Daddy were breaking up, but Kaeidyn remembers it. And remembers the 4 1/2 horrible months after the break-up and most of all, has mixed feelings about the whole thing herself. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the talks with her and what I’m going to say.

But when they come up, all those scripts that I made up, fly right out the window. I forget what I was going to say to them, I forget that they have their own emotions regarding it, and it’s the one things the kids can say that can shut me up in an instant. And I hate it! It makes me sad that my kids have to go through it, and it makes me mad that I have to. And none of this would’ve happened if we didn’t start answering the phone when he called. But we did, so then he started calling every week. And every week, he tells the kids, “Next weekend, I’ll be down to visit”. And every week, guess who doesn’t come visit.

And I understand, I really do. I understand that he has a life, he doesn’t have a lot of money, he doesn’t have a lot of support, he needs to work. I get that. But at the same time, the rest of us have lives and the rest of us don’t have a lot of money and the rest of us need to work, and yet here we are EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the dirt with this stuff. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we’re going to be parents and it pisses me off that he gets to! And, moreso, that he gets to at the cost of my kids’ emotions. And after 4 years, at the cost of my own emotions. I hate that we broke up but I’m still stuck having to think about him. Not because I want to, but because I have to!

So, while the conversation with the kids didn’t go the way I wanted it to and I’m sure the very first sentence came out WAY meaner than was necessary, we did talk about it and I think today, they’re all doing a little bit better with it. Kaeidyn was most upset about him lying to her and she kept, “Why can’t he just tell us the truth?!” and all I could say to her is that I think that’s something she’ll have to ask her Dad. And honestly, I’m scared of that conversation between the two of them. I’m scared that he’ll keep lying to her, like he did with everybody else, and I’m going to have a brokenhearted 7-year-old on my hands, and I’m not going to know how to deal with it.

Well, that is definitely not what I started this blog post intending to write… But, I guess that’s what I needed to write about, so there it is.


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Boggled Down


It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?


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Stressing and Honeymooning


Today, I am feeling incredibly stressed out and it’s not because something from today has stressed me out. It’s totally about not looking forward to tomorrow. On Friday, I wasn’t feeling very good so I asked if I could go home early. Well then I was asked to call the big boss and ask first as she was planning on talking to me. Honestly, my heart was racing so fast that I only heard about half of what she said, but essentially they’re concerned that this job “isn’t working out for me”.

I know what has brought this about and I’m a little upset about it and having a hard time not being incredibly angry. I want to vent to the big boss at work and tell her about all the wrongdoings done to me, but I feel like I’ll just be wasting my breath. It’s all kind of hard to explain and half the time, I don’t even remember how it got this bad in the first place, but it’s not that the job isn’t working out for me…

The last time someone sat me down to talk to me about my performance at work, I got super-defensive. It didn’t help that it was a person that I was already having lots of problems with it. Now I’m super nervous that the big boss and I are going to sit down and I’m going to get super-defensive again, and I really hate that side of me. It’s just stressing me out a lot and I’m really not looking forward to work tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ll be walking out of the office crying and that just pisses me off!

Outside of the stress that I’m feeling, this weekend has been pretty good. It’s the first one in awhile that both The Boyfriend and I have off, so that automatically makes it a better weekend. I feel like we’re honeymooning this weekend. The first night, Friday, was a typical day for us. But yesterday was so different. The day seemed to go by in a blur and then at night, things slowed down so much.

We cuddled for a really long time, watched a movie about Marquis De Sade (Quills), which we both couldn’t decide whether we liked it or not and we had some freaking amazing crazy three-hour long sex. It was really windy last night, so he knew I would probably find it hard to fall asleep, and that meant I spent the whole night just completely engulfed by him. The kids let us sleep in this morning and when we woke up, we couldn’t stop cuddling and touching and telling each other we loved the other one. It’s just been really incredible and it feels damn good.

I was even able to get the kids and The Boyfriend cleaning today while I made my Mom’s famous Hashbrown Omelette. But I put my Dad’s twist of making in the oven in a cupcake pan. So freaking delicious. It’s been awhile since we’ve bought bacon for around the house, so needless to say that got eaten up right quick. I’m really impressed with how lazy I feel like we’ve been the last few days, how much housework has been getting done. The dishes are the biggest change. Last night, I didn’t feel like doing the dishes and The Boyfriend did them instead – the first time since we’ve lived together that he’s done more than just the dishes needed for a meal. Maybe that’s part of the reason for the honeymooning?!?

I was also made really happy last weekend when Alfie got me back a whole bunch of CD’s that his sister had stolen many moons ago. So I had a great night of reminiscing to all the bands that I used to love to listen to when I was 14 and of some of the bands that I’ve seen in my life. I was most happy to get Complete, a Spawner Records band that I’ve met multiple times and Darryl’s Grocery Bag, another smallish BC band that I had the honor of hosting a show they did. I miss those days of going to punk shows and skanking in the pit and mohawks and teenage angst… It was really nice to be able to look back on that, after so many years of not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got in the way of updates for the last few days. How’s your last few days been?