The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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He Should Be Sick More Often…

Even though I’m still getting over this stupid cold and even though The Boyfriend is in the worst part of the thick of it, our sex life has been out of this world. I think I’ve gotten more sex over the course of the last week than I have in years with him. And I could not tell you who provoked it a single time, I can only tell you that it happened and that it’s been absolutely amazing!!

From the nights we’ve recorded ourselves on cam, to the nights we’ve watched porn, to the mornings that he has woken with a raging hard on, there has been all sorts and a lot of sex going down. I’ve gotten oral sex a couple of times, I’ve gotten midday fingerings and I haven’t had to work very hard to get any of it.

Some extremely memorable moments:

  • The Candy Kisser

    After The Boyfriend had picked up gummy candies for himself, and after we had already been teasing each other for hours, I placed his favorite candies on each of my nipples, down my stomach and mound and placed the final candy on my clit. He sensually plucked the candies off my nipples before slowly moving down to my stomach and carefully licking the final candy off my clit. But he didn’t stop there…
  • A New Angle

    On our second night recording ourselves with the cam and on my second night in a row of being on top (which there have been a total of three in a row so far…), instead of recording ourselves in the usual position, we switched things up a bit. Our bed is currently in the living room (because I like it that way!) and the computer is at the wall opposite the foot-end of our bed. Usually, the camera angle is looking at us from behind our head (aka Our Asses). I decided I wanted to see what it looked like the other way…DEFINITELY BETTER!

    We haven’t tried with The Boyfriend on top yet, though I’m sure we’re only days away. The best part is being able to see all of my boobs, which we hadn’t been able to yet in any of our other videos and the fact that we figured out this really raw lighting that hides all of my “imperfections”. I’m currently working on editing the video to the point that The Boyfriend will at least let me put some of it online. I really just want to get the audio all by itself and take a listen sans imagery.

  • Daytime Proclivities

    It’s been mega years since The Boyfriend and I had any type of regular sexual interaction during the day. It hasn’t been since the days of him working graveyards and him living in his own house with roommates and long before I ever got pregnant. For the past few days, it’s almost become typical. If I’m not being woken up for it in the morning (has happened twice now), I get a chance at it sometime in the afternoon/early evening hours. And while it may not always be sex, someone always gets to orgasm.This morning, I woke up in a less than inspiring mood, but he had already been dealing with his morning wood for awhile. I didn’t take him seriously when he first mentioned going upstairs for a quickie, but when he asked again, I couldn’t possibly resist. I immediately took my position, trying hard not to catch a glimpse at my morning self in the mirror, as he hurriedly scrambled to get himself naked. It was quick and wonderful and his hands on my body in the morning have kept me in quite good spirits all day.

    And then there’s been the multiple days of midday fingering sessions that have left me feeling absolutely divine. First day, he had quite the intense headache. And while the whole thing originally started because I was stroking him, I stayed wet while he went limp. It didn’t take long before I was quietly cumming beneath his skilled hands. Or yesterday as we laid watching a movie and his hands just sort of ended up there and stayed there until again I was cumming hard and quietly. It’s been wonderful!

I really don’t know how long this will last but I am taking full-advantage of it while it’s here. Hopefully it’s a more permanent change, because I’m seriously enjoying the shit out of it. Though I’m noticing, the more I’m getting it, the more I’m wanting it. For now it’s a good thing, but when the activities decline, it’s really going to suck…

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Wooo! That was good ;)

Well I’m happy to announce that I finally got some of what I’ve been craving forever!! And let me tell you, my abs have never felt more worked out…

I can honestly say that I don’t really remember the last time I was eaten out. I’m pretty sure it was right after we moved into this place before we really had any furniture to speak of. So last night, I was more than taken aback to hear an offer of oral sex, although delightfully pleased. Previous to the offer, we had watched a little bit of porn and already began some side-by-side penetration. The way we were laying, his cock was rubbing ever so nicely against my clit and my first orgasm came fast and unexpectedly. After I had orgasm, he says to me, “I really want to eat you out. But I want you to force me!”

I grabbed his shoulders and dug my nails in as I pushed him down my body. He kissed my neck and worked his way down to my breasts, stopping to lick each nipple. Then, he slowly kissed down my stomach which hasn’t happened in so long that I still shudder just thinking about it. I grabbed his head and more forcefully pushed him lower until he was comfortably nestled between my legs. Almost as soon as he started I felt like I was on the verge of my second orgasm.

Alas, it stayed as such for the entire oral sex session. Even though he kept saying he wanted me to cum in his mouth, I just couldn’t get all the way there. I was having the hardest time staying focused on the actual oral sex and not focusing on the thoughts in my head. I grabbed onto the headboard and tried even harder to focus, using all my muscles to lift my hips for easier access for him. And still the thoughts just kept flooding my head. He was probably down there for over half an hour before giving up complaining about both his knees and jaw hurting. In one sense, I felt relieved and in another, I felt disappointed. He was now completely limp…

I was too close to the edge of orgasm for that to be it for me, so I just kept playing until I eventually came. My muscles have never felt so on fire after a sex session of any kind. I felt like they were ripping in my abs and tearing in my arms. We fell asleep and I was pleased with the fact that I had had two orgasms and he had had none.

The next day, we slept a good portion of the day away. When he woke up, he had a raging boner that would not go away. Like most men, morning wood is a daily part of his life. But usually, he gives one little “Hey, get out of here!” rub and it goes away. This morning, not at all. He pulled down the top of his shorts and cuddled in close and I was awoken by this noticeably hard thing rubbing against my leg and ass. He whispered in my ear, “Would you like to go to the bathroom?”. What?!? Bathroom sex?!? Now that’s one that I seriously can’t remember the last time it happened. It’s been a super long time.

I giddily jumped out of bed and made my way up the stairs. I don’t think it’s ever been easier for me to get out of bed. I got up to the bathroom and quickly took my underwear off and within seconds he was behind me. I bent over the counter/sink and opened my legs as he quickly got all his shorts off. It took only a few seconds but the excitement I felt about it lasted me all day. I spent the whole day thanking him for the amazing wake up sex and the attempt at making me cum from oral sex. I was in a blissful place throughout the entire day, even when we had to get cleaning done and even when the kids were being terrors from the depths of hell.

This post is intended for adults 18+


Unexpected Night

Well, last night was a rather entertaining night. I figured since we had had sex on Monday and Tuesday night, that Wednesday night, I would be totally shit out of luck. So when I began rubbing his bare legs and working my way up to his hips and ass, I really didn’t expect anything. I assumed he would fall asleep during the gentle caressing and that would be that.

We were in a spooning position, me behind him, and as I ran my finger over his hip bone he thrust his hips backwards in a kind of swooping motion. I continued, still not getting my hopes up for anything. But then he did it again as I grabbed his ass cheek and then again when I rubbed my hand down the front of his leg. Soon, his motions were beginning to turn me on.

After over half an hour of this gentle touching from me, I figured he wasn’t that interested. He hadn’t touched me, I hadn’t touched any other part of him then his hips, ass and legs, and outside of the swaying hips there was no indication that he really truly wanted anything. So, I rest my hand on his leg and stopped rubbing. He was not about to have any of that. He grabbed my hand and pushed it, forcing me to continue rubbing his leg. That was the only signal I needed.

I continued on for another half an hour or so, before he rolled onto his back and the kissing began. Within moments, I was climbing on top of him, already wet from the hours worth of teasing. I stayed close to him at first, barely backing away from having my face in his neck. Everything felt so good and I was incredibly hot. He laid there enjoying the way I moved my hips and when I’d let him, sucking fervently on my breasts. They dangle so nicely in his face when I’m on top.

I leaned backwards and he quickly sent his thumb straight to my clit, and began frantically working me towards orgasm. As he lifted his thumb to switch to the other one, I began cumming and he could feel it. His hands gripped my hips (which doesn’t happen often enough) and I leaned forward in hopes that he would cum. Instead, he asked if I thought I could cum again. “Yes, yes, yes!”, I yelped at him.

Everything was so passive on his part, something that I’m very unused to with him. He barely bucked his hips wildly, instead letting me grind him until I could grind no more. He mostly just sat back and enjoyed the ride. I reached my hand between my legs and began working my clit as I switched from grinding to a more up and down motion. By this point, I was absolutely soaking wet and he was slipping in and out of me with almost too much ease. I leaned back again so I could use both my hands and after long and very hard stroking was cumming again, this time more intensely. As I began cumming, he asked if I’d suck him off after my second orgasm.

At first, I considered saying no completely. I had recently said that I wasn’t going to give him head again until I got some oral sex. But there we were, in the moment of it all, and as my orgasm finished and my breathing returned to normal, I quickly knelt down and began sucking him off like there was no tomorrow. He was covered in all my juices and this made it easier to deepthroat him more than I have in months. I knew he was close to orgasm so I sucked hard and I sucked fast.

Within mere seconds, he was cumming harder than I’ve felt in awhile. The very base of his cock swelled as the first shot dribbled out, then another, then another, until there was so much it was now dribbling out of my mouth and back onto him. His whole body jolted with each pulse of his wet cock and my moaning was frantic. He collapsed back onto the bed and I joined him to cuddle and talk about the experience we had just had.

I could not get over how much I had not been expecting to get anything and I got everything and more.

This post is intended for adults 18+


Dreaming of Head

I think I’m developing a complex, an oral sex complex. For the past few days, right before I actually wake up and after I’ve already hit snooze once or twice, I drift into dreamland. While there, a dream conducts itself in the usual way – kind of scattered and not making any real sense but it always ends the exact same way.

This morning’s dream was probably the most memorable as we walked through a town called Innisfail (and not the real town of Innisfail). The town was on a mountainside and every single building looked like it had been built to resemble a bomb shelter. The Boyfriend had apparently transferred jobs and we were going to see a lady about our own little bomb bunker. As we walk through the town, there’s not a Wal-Mart in site, but there is a (not even kidding you) Damage Hall. I don’t know why you’d want to advertise that you are the Damage Hall, but I guess that’s just how they do in the sheltered town of Innisfail.

Here’s where the dream starts matching every single other dream I’ve had for the past few days. Somehow The Boyfriend and I end up at a place where we’re sitting down and I’m snuggling into his chest. He has no shirt and only boxers to cover any of him. We begin making out, which I swear feels identical to when we are actually making out. My body feels tingly just about everywhere, I sweat and I would not be surprised if I moan along with my dream self (although, I’m not aware of it if I really am). But in the dream, it feels incredibly real.

Then, I pull back to take a breath and he cockily spreads his arms wider and opens his legs further, allowing the hole in his boxers to reveal the treasure beneath and he says to me in his sexy sex voice, “So, you know what I want?”. In the real world, he does almost this exact same thing when he wants head. Every guy I’ve ever been with is like this. They get comfy and settle in for the pleasure of my mouth, before officially announcing (even if just subtly) that they want oral sex. I normally say yes, because I couldn’t say no to a beautiful piece on display.

Almost as soon as he asks, I wake up. I have no idea how the dream ends or if he ends up getting head or if I end up saying no. I know nothing! However, I do find it interesting that I’m dreaming about giving him oral sex when in real life, I’ve been complaining so much about not getting it. And complaining isn’t the right word to use there, more like mentioning that I’m not getting it.

I’ve told him straight out that I’m not giving him head again until I get some. I’ve mentioned that I’m in the mood for it and then not gotten it. The only thing I haven’t done is asked out right for it. We sort of talked about that the other day. He said he wanted me to ask right out and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that all the time. It would be nice for someone to act like they wanted to eat me out, not that they were just doing it because I had asked. As if it were taking out the garbage. “Oh dear, can you take out the garbage and when you’re done, come eat my pussy…”. While it’s hot in theory, when you’re living it every day, not so much.

I think the fact that it’s been so long and the idea that I need to ask or direct to get it, seems to really be bothering me. I can tell because it’s on my mind a lot when I’m awake but even more so, because I’m dreaming about it. It’s in my conscious and my subconscious… I think what it really comes down to is that I want some vulva appreciation to go down. I want this area of my being, that I’m quickly falling out of love with, to be loved and cherished and kissed – instead of pounded, penetrated and fucked.

I wish he would eat me out like I give him head. Playful, teasing, long and drawn out, tons of tongue. It’s just been a long time…

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Take the Helm

I am quickly becoming more and more dissatisfied with my sex life, even though I am having more sex now than I have in years. We are back up to regularly having sex every 2-3 days, which is just perfect for us with the 4 kids and his job… And while the sex itself, has been nothing short of amazing, it’s absolutely not the sex that I want to be having. Our sexual interests right now are like splitting cells.

I’m going this way and he’s going that way and even though we somehow meet back in the middle during sex, afterwards I just feel like we’re going separate ways. I’m never going to get what I want, he’s never going to get what he wants and we’re both going to end up resenting each other for it.

Last night, after a nice and quick shower together, I decide I want to give him head. That part was wonderful. I was having fun playing and teasing, he was having fun trying to keep my hair out of my face, it was all good. Then, I ask what he wants and right away he jumps to anal. I automatically said no, and for the first time ever, instead of just taking my no as a serious no the first time, I had to say it two more times before it was dropped. And while it was very playful, it pissed me off.

Why can’t I get with guys that share my sexual interests? Why must I keep getting with guys who have an obsession with something that I don’t want to incorporate in my sex life – at least, not with me on the receiving end of it. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, patiently awaiting the moment when it might feel good. Which sometimes never happens. I tried it my required three times and decided it wasn’t for me, that I was never going to be the anal whore I once dreamed of. And I’m okay with that. But apparently it’s not good enough to have my vag and my mouth to fuck…

And I’m supposed to offer up my ass for anal, but I can’t even mention spankings? I can’t even get one…

So we finish with head. I guess he figured since we weren’t having anal and I wasn’t actively pursuing sex, that that’s how I wanted him to cum. So instead of letting me continue on with my playing and teasing, he grabs my head and now the game is really on. I can tell the second he’s getting ready to cum, because of the way that he grabs my head. It never bothers me, I actually find it to be incredibly sexy. I’ve always liked that he will guide me directly the way he wants me during sexual activity – always in control.

As usual, after the orgasm is done, we discuss what we liked and didn’t like. We try to communicate as much as possible, so that every sex session just keeps getting better. So last night, he said something along the lines of… “Once I’m ready to cum, I kind of take the helm”, and I quickly interjected, “Yeah, what’s with that? Why can’t you ever just let me make you cum, without you working for it too?” and all he did was cover his lips with a finger and shushed me.

I kept replaying all the times he’s said to me, “One day, I’m going to have to see if you can make me cum like that”, often referring to the muscle clenching that I tend to do a lot of during sex, without meaning to more often than not. But there’s been numerous times that he’s said it, for a variety of the ways that I have sex. But he never lets me do the work of actually bringing him to orgasm. Once he reaches that point, he takes over and I normally let him because it feels good. But the shushing, the lack of willingness to talk about whatever reasons might be behind this, just made me really uncomfortable. I expressed this to him. Not to the degree that I was feeling it, but I didn’t want to completely ruin a totally great head session with my emotional drama…

I made it known that I was not happy with the shushing or the lack of communication about this new discovery. I had, up to this point, figured that it was probably some bodily reaction that he couldn’t exactly help. I know personally, when I’m about to cum, I’ll hold my breath. And it’s not something I have control over, it’s just what happens. So I had figured that that was just the way his body responded to a close orgasm. But this “take the helm” comment, means that it’s not some involuntary reaction of his body but instead a thought-out action. An action with some sort of reasoning behind it.

The worst part of it though, is that I was upset by the way the night had turned out. I was slightly mad by the suggestion of anal, I was slightly upset by the lack of communication, I was saddened by the discovery itself. So even though, I don’t completely understand why I said no to it all, I didn’t want to cuddle, I didn’t want to kiss, I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep. But I hate when I make it known that I’m upset about something, and I act like I’m upset about it, and instead of being comforting and trying to really discover what’s wrong, he just gives into me.

So instead of trying to cuddle with me last night, instead of trying for kisses, he just rolled over his own way and went to sleep. Instead of being even slightly interested in the chance of me having an orgasm, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I’m sick of being punished in this way, when I’ve done nothing wrong. This “ignore-her-until-she-gets-over-it” kind of way… It makes it seem like my thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. Even when I do go on full out ragers about my stupid emotions, I speak to a brick wall of silence.

I just feel like I’m giving a lot of myself and not getting much back in return sometimes…

This post is intended for adults 18+


Dual Nipple Licking


Last night was an incredibly fun night with The Boyfriend. After spending all day long in a “passionate” state, I was more than ready to go  by the time he mentioned having sex. Then he asked me to get into something sexy. Have I ever told you how much I love when he does that? You would think that I’d take offense to it, like “What, are my normal clothes not sexy enough?!”, but instead I normally think something more akin to “Ooo, I’m going to look good”, but last night – I made him pick my outfit 😉

So he picked this cute little polka dot dress that I got with kind of a cowl neckline and this frilly bottom. It hits about 2 inches above my knees, so if I bend over, all you see is ass! Then, he said my favorite dirty words, “I think I’ll fill all of your holes tonight!”. Ugh, I shudder with pleasure! He’s wandering the house as I’m playing video games, when he shows up at my side with his cock out. There’s hole number 1!

Then we moved into bed…

He jumped into things pretty fast, which took me by surprise a little bit and I said something. On the TV, we had some sweet BDSM porn going on, which I had chosen and he didn’t seem to mind, even though more and more he’s showing extreme resistance to that whole lifestyle. So I was surprised that he let me keep the kinky porn on and was even helping picking videos. But I was not turned on enough when he went in for the kill, which resulted in me asking him to slow down. He did and worked a little harder to get me wetter, which really isn’t that much harder, just a little bit longer.

He sat up against the ottoman and reached for me, as I straddled his cock and he grabbed my left breast with his mouth. It’s by far our most favorite breast. I was nowhere near ready to cum, so I didn’t want to do anything that would make him ready to cum, so it wasn’t our normal typical me-on-top type of sex. It was slower, more about kissing and caressing than the actual sex having. I grabbed his hands to reach around behind me and guess who already had a bottle of lube ready to go!!

He rubbed the lube around and I was sure the whole anal thing was going to go over okay. I would never say that it goes over good, per se. After I get into it and after it gets past a certain point, it’s not the worst thing in the world and it’s not bad enough that I can’t still orgasm. But I wouldn’t necessarily it gives me any pleasure, outside of knowing that it’s giving him pleasure. We’ve also been trying anal in different positions, since I normally won’t even consider anything outside of spooning. Our first wonderful and successful time was spooning and I just seem to be able to stay more relaxed that way. I don’t get all tense. But we’ve both been wanting something different, him especially, so I suggested we try doggy style.

Well, that was just too much. I knew almost the second I knelt up that I wasn’t going to last long. Then he got on top of me and within seconds I was asking him to back off. Just too uncomfortable. So he took of his first condom of the night and we doggy-styled vaginally for awhile. My boobs looked so hot in my dress in that position. Then he sat back and pulled me back onto him and then came the finger in the ass again.

I tend to really enjoy this position, where it’s like lazy doggy style. He sits down, I sit back on him, his legs are all spread and I’m on my knees. I like that he’s got hands that are free to roam and so do I. I like that if he moves forward to grab onto me, or leans back, the feel of the sex is so different. Instead of hitting my anterior vaginal wall, he’s now hitting the posterior and now he’s deep and now he’s not. It just feels so different with every little movement. I also like to think that my back is really sexy, even though I don’t actually have any idea…

Then, he pushed me down onto my stomach – and I figured this was mostly because he was getting ready to cum so he wanted me to be able to play with myself, but this was not the case, as he slowly slid something into me. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. It kind of felt like his cock, just softer or maybe a really lubricated finger. But he switched to each of those and that’s not what the other thing felt like. So, as he’s fucking me and I can tell that he’s getting closer and closer to cumming, he whispers in my ear, “What do you want?”. Sometimes, I love this. Other times, I hate it. Last night, it was kind of perfect.

I asked, “What are you sticking in me?”, and he said a dildo. I still had no idea which one, but I figured it was one we hadn’t used before, because it didn’t feel like the ones we had. I said that I’d like to have both the dildo and him in my pussy. Wish, granted! I don’t know exactly how he managed to do it and last night I could’ve told you which cock was which, but now, I have no idea. All I know is that it felt really freaking amazing. He’d get pumping at one speed and then he’d make the dildo do something else entirely, or he’d just push and hold the dildo downwards or upwards while he was still thrusting and it felt soooo good! It was becoming harder and harder for him to hold back his orgasm.

I asked if we could flip over, I wanted to kiss him and ever since we shaved his head the other night, I’ve been promising to rub my hands through his short hair during sex and hadn’t yet. So we flipped over and immediately got into our normal regular position. I know I make it sound like I’m complaining, but I’m really not. It’s my most favorite position in the world for a lot of reasons. Even though it’s mainly just missionary position, I love that I can easily touch all my favorite parts of his body and I can block him from seeing my least favorite parts of my body. I love that he’s in control, but by simply grabbing his hips, I can guide and direct him to what I want more of. I love that it’s another position where just the little changes will make a big difference in the way it feels. Example, feet on his bum as opposed to feet flat on the bed, or hips lifted or pressed down. It changes the whole thing.

He’s really liking my boobs a lot lately and insists on spending most of his time on them when we’re in this position. He likes to make them bounce and he likes when they bounce and he’s sucking on them. I think he also likes my reaction to these things, especially my boobs bouncing. I get really excited about it! So last night, as he had my left breast held tightly in his hand, his tongue doing these incredible flicks, I lifted my head and joined him in the nipple licking. I don’t think he knew that I could lick my own nipples, but based on his reaction, I think that’s going to be something that happens more!

We were kissing each other while sucking on my nipple and we would take turns circling my nipples with our tongues. He would watch me, I would watch him, and then we’d do it together. The whole thing was so hot and so intense and needless to say, within seconds, we were both cumming. Me first and I was still cumming when he started. I laid there half laughing, half not being able to breathe as he collapsed on me and we both blissfully chanted, “That was amazing, that was so good…”.

Sleep came incredibly easy and was an insanely sound one. I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was, “We sucked my nipple last night!”.

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Reviewing Some Things…


Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉