The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Moody McMooderson

Today, I have felt like I’m on a roller coaster ride with my emotions. I’m all over the place. I wake up this morning and I’m all happy-go-lucky, then I watch some YouTube and for some reason, begin to get extremely agitated. The kids came home from school and at first I was all in love, then I was all annoyed and then, as dinner finished baking, I was sentimental and playful.

We watched Raising Hope on Netflix (which is such a cute show and I can’t believe I missed it when we still had cable…) and I flopped from not being able to hear it well enough one moment, to laughing or tearing up the next (depending on the situation in the show). The older kids went to bed, so immediately I felt relief and if a sigh didn’t actually escape my lips, it definitely had glided out of my body.

So I decided, what a perfect time to whip out the piano and play me some tuneage. But then, Carter came up behind me and started reaching around my arms to get at the keys. Instead of letting this consume me with bitterness, I succumbed to it and let him play with me. We experimented with the sounds, we played some stuff together and I even let him play alone. After a good 45 minutes had went by, I decided I was done. It was my turn to play.

We got him into bed, happily cradling his bottle, and I sat down in front of the keyboard again. As I struck the first note, The Boyfriend grabbed his Xbox mic, slid it onto his head and began, “Hey, how are you?”. See, he’s started playing Modern Warfare online with some of his buddies from work. It keeps him incredibly entertained and if it didn’t make him feel so guilty always playing video games, I’d never see him again.

I’m used to this kind of behavior. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had would rather spend all his spare time playing video games or watching movies that I sincerely hate. The Boyfriend is the worst for this! His only hobby is his video games (oh, and sort of Nascar… That one’s way less annoying though!), so whenever he can he likes to get on there and now that he’s got friends who play, he insists on putting this mic on.

When I’m not playing piano, I think it’s cute. It doesn’t bother me since I’m not making any other noises than typing when he’s playing his games. I’m okay with his nerdy social life. So my emotions went crazy during the first few minutes of this. First I was just outright annoyed, then I was “okay” with it because I had decided that I was just going to suck at piano anyways, so what was the point. I went out to the kitchen and got myself a drink and refilled Carter’s bottle and decided that I was just going to play piano. Whatever if I sucked, whatever about The Boyfriend’s mic. It doesn’t affect his time on it when I’m playing and I’ve done it before so what’s the difference.

I sit in front of my keyboards all ready to conquer that stuff, and look up at the screen and just feel completely bored! Needless to say, I haven’t played piano, I’m moodier than I like to be, I’m missing a guitar like crazy and I want to work on my website but I feel to moody! ARGH!!!

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Face Full of Blood

Yesterday was a very emotionally taxing day. It started off fine. I was a little bit down, but I knew that was going to happen because it was Sunday and Sunday’s normally are those types of day for me lately. But in literally an instant, that quickly changed. Instead of being your  typical normal down and out Sunday, I spent most of the day yesterday in and out of on the verge of tears. One minute I’d be smiling and the next, tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.

I woke up with this thing near my eye that made my left eye feel heavy and droopy. It’s better today and isn’t bugging me as much as it was yesterday, but that was Step 1 to a bad day. Then, we’re sitting on the bed, flipping through Netflix when all of a sudden from outside, we hear Keirnan crying. So I look outside and see him getting up from where all the kids were sitting. I turn around and literally as soon as I’m facing away from the window, every single kid outside is screaming bloody murder. I quickly turn back around, expecting to see the absolute worst thing possible. And this is probably what actually turned a little bit of fright into the emotional turmoil I was in yesterday.

In the amount of time it took me to turn back to the window, all the worst possible and most morbid and horrible images flashed before my eyes. I felt like that moment went so slowly as I quickly tried to figure out what I had just seen in my first look and what I might see in my second look. Instant and immediate panic terrorized me. As I turn to the window, I see Keirnan with blood running furiously down his whole face. Across his forehead is covered in blood and all down one side of his face. I yell at The Boyfriend to get out there and grab him, even though The Boyfriend is only sitting right in front of me and in his boxer. He quickly jumps up and runs down there where Keirnan has already made it to the door.

With a huge swarm of kids screaming behind him and him crying partially out of hurt but mostly out of fear, The Boyfriend was quick to bring him in and try to assess what all the kids were screaming behind him. I grabbed a cold cloth and began my own special treatment of Mommy First-Aid, trying not only to calm this scared kid and myself, but also trying to figure out if we should be rushing to the hospital!

All this was much worse than what it ended up being in the end. Some kid had accidentally hit him in the forehead with a crystal or something like that, and from this little cut in his head came all that blood. Once I had wiped all the blood off his face, the cut had stopped bleeding and all was fine. But the morbid thinking, the shaking and sweating and the absolute fear and panic up until that realization turned my day so quickly from just down and out to completely down.

I spent pretty much all day in a total funk. I kept complaining of being bored and then I wouldn’t want to do anything – even though The Boyfriend was full of suggestions. Then, sometime near dinner, all my joints started hurting really bad, especially my knees, which always makes me grumpier than necessary. By the time the kids went to bed, I was raging with horrible emotions and thoughts and feelings. Just absolutely in the pits…

Luckily, we watched a few hours of Weeds and by the time we were done and going to bed, I felt at least a little bit better. A little less stressed and upset. And by this morning, waking up to the sound of the kids’ fighting over whether it was going to be iCarly or Power Rangers, I think I was officially cured of my funk. Thank goodness too, because that was a rough day yesterday.

Today, I got the kitchen back to presentable, which is a good thing because it was almost to the point of absolutely needing it. It’s funny that when I’m able to keep the majority of my house clean, my kitchen gets incredibly neglected. But now that the rest of my house is so out of control, my kitchen has been cleaned almost regularly… Weird! Then, I made us some delicious chicken and rice with a super sauce that Carter helped me make (he says he’s sorry if it tasted a little off…).

Now, I am trying really hard to get a blog post published today, because I will feel like I accomplished nothing if I don’t and at some point I have every intention of watching Weeds again tonight. It’s going to suck when I finish it, but I’m trying not to think about that – especially being that I watched every other show more than once, so why can’t I watch Weeds multiple times too?