The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Bittersweet Relief


 

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

For now, I’m going to focus on today…

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Second Coming


 

Does anyone else feel a wave of melancholy rush over them after insanely good sex? I do…

Last night was one of those nights that will go down in mine and The Boyfriend’s Best Sex History Book. One of those times that will be forever remembered and etched in our minds. A night that every other night will be compared to.

We normally have really amazing sex, but last night was so beyond amazing, so beyond the norm. It was a body-shaking, mind-boggling, heart-racing and incredibly romantic experience. I still can’t get the image of it all out of my head.

For the first time, in what feels like months and months, The Boyfriend was actually wanting sex. It wasn’t like what’s been happening most of the time lately, where I get so desperate for an orgasm, that I bug him for a few days and then after initiating, finally get some. He had gone to the store and when he got back, he sat down and asked, “Do you know where one of your black things are?” – This of course meant my slinky black slip. Unfortunately, that one is over at my Mom’s house, but I did have a silky black nightie thing and while it’s not the most flattering, it’s short and shows of my boobs. He had no complaints!

I wanted a neck massage really bad last night, and I’m really lucky to have a boyfriend who gives them to me very regularly and super easily. All I have to do is ask and I’ve never heard no. I’ve been desperately wanting to watch 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger, because I read a review that said it was good recently and while I had bought it a couple years ago, I never really hunkered down and watched it. We put it on once, but our intention was to play it in the background during sex. Last night, we actually watched it. Side note: The ending sucked for me!

I rubbed and caressed his legs and then we’d switch spots and he’d rub and caress mine. As the movie ended, I lowered my lips to his legs and begin kissing and licking my way up from his knees. He squirmed quite uncontrollably as I flicked my tongue behind his knee and bit gently on his inner thigh. He shorts became tighter and tighter and soon I was licking his hardness through his shorts.

I’ve always had a thing for pre-cum. It’s seriously one of those things that just automatically drives me wild with desire. It’s gotten to the point where the second I see it, I’m automatically soaking wet. Last night was the absolute best. He’s wearing these swimming shorts and as I’m licking through them, they begin getting wet in the perfect shape of his cock. I pull back and grab him as pre-cum inches out, and you can see it through his shorts as it bubbles above the fabric. So hot! It was no time before we were rushing downstairs to have sex.

We tried out a new position last night, really just a variation on our favorite position, man-on-top missionary. Normally, both my legs are up and either around his waist with my feet on his ass or up near my head, my feet near his shoulders. Last night, he lifted one leg while the other leg stayed flat on the bed. Then he straddled the flat leg. The penetration felt incredible. I was surprised at how deep he felt.

We were both frantic, grabbing wildly at each other’s bodies and his rhythm was impeccable. And man oh man, the talking! It was a constant stream of words and I can’t tell you how much I love to hear him talk during sex. Especially if he’s responding to the things I’m saying. As I’m moaning all my sweet nothings, he was moaning sweet nothings back and it’s enough to make a girl so wet!

He pulled out and I was sure he came, though he didn’t say anything. It looked and felt like it, but then he went back to hard fucking with a very rigid cock and I was so unsure if that was actually him cumming. After a few moments, I told him to sit back a little so that I could play with my clit while he pounded me. He sat back and forcefully grabbed my boob as he watched the other one bounce against the vigorous fucking. My entire body felt every single touch and every single breath and for the first time ever during sex with The Boyfriend, an I love you escaped my lips. It was quickly returned and said a few more times and it seemed like he got rougher and more intense.

By this point, I was beyond desperate for an orgasm. One hand was steadily circling my clit and the other was everywhere on his body. I said something about us having batteries, we could use one of our vibrators, but he was determined not to go anywhere. He says, “Don’t tell me to stop!” and it all becomes harder and faster. Then he pulls out and cums all over my stomach.

Nothing but oh my god’s after that. It was a first for both of us. The first time that he’s ever cum twice in one sex session and the first time that I’ve ever had a boyfriend cum twice in one sex session. We were both in total blissful ecstasy. It was probably the hottest sex we’ve ever had and if not the hottest, it sure as hell ranks up there pretty high.

He gets up to clean himself off and comes back to the bed where I’m still rubbing my clit. He grabs my inner thigh and ask him to kiss me. Every single muscle in my body was so tense and I was trembling in the most extreme desperation. It wasn’t long before I was having the most intense orgasm, working my ass off to contain any noises and trying to be so quiet. My body went from relaxed and enjoying the orgasm to completely tensed up, my knees up near my chest and my face buried in his neck. It seemed to go on forever and by the time I removed my fingers from my clit, my entire body felt like it was tingling and the most gentle of touches felt like they were rough and vigorous. He just held me through the whole thing.

The only bad part of the night was that somewhere along the line, he had made me bleed. There was blood all over the bed, my hands, our legs and his cock. I know that all that stuff is completely natural, but it always just makes me worry that he’s going to be so grossed out by it. And therefore completely turned off by it. If it wasn’t for my desperation to orgasm, I probably would’ve stopped the second I saw or heard about the blood because I let that worry cloud my pleasure. Last night, I did my best to ignore it.

After I was all cleaned up, I came back to bed and we laid there for another half hour or so talking about the great sex we had just had. Those moments always make me feel really good. We’re able to talk about the stuff that we really liked and the stuff that we would’ve changed. Last night was especially great being that we were talking about his first multiple orgasm and for the first time he got to experience what I experience, where every orgasm is different. He’s always saying that it feels essentially the same every time for him, but last night he says the first time felt like it was all about the build up and the second time felt like it was all about the release.

He comforted me about the bleeding and told me that it really doesn’t bother him. He wouldn’t say it turns him on, but it’s not a turn off. He said he loved when I told him I loved him and thought that was one of the hottest parts of the entire night, which was good because I thought for sure that he was going to say it was awkward or something. He told me how good I did at staying quiet and he pulled me in close for a really amazing cuddle. Best ending to sex ever!

For some reason though, after those really amazing sexual experiences, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seems to last into the next day. It’s not even a sadness that I can come close to explaining and there is no cause to it. I feel clingy and needy and like I need approval. I feel this incredibly intense vulnerability and frankly, it sucks. I fall asleep with this smile on my face, but I feel so melancholy. It’s very odd, but in a way, I really love the feeling. I wish I knew what it was that made it happen though and if other people have that too.

I will remember last night forever. What an incredible experience!