The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Thank You (SARCASM) Menses…


Well, so far, this holiday is not going as good as I had hoped it would. First of all, it’s appearantly period week. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I now experience PMS. I had some cramps my first period year, but I’ve never had PMS. I have been in the most bitchy mood ever and swinging in out of moods like crazy. And now that I’m actually in period week, it’s just being relentless.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen The Boyfriend tiptoe this much around me, because I haven’t been bitchy like this in a really long time. Or at least, I feel like I’m being way bitchier. Needless to say, all the sex that I was hoping we would get to have this holiday, hasn’t happened at all. And while I’m trying not to let that get to me more than it is, it’s being incredibly difficult, which isn’t helping the bitchiness.

And while I know there are ways to work around blood during sex and while I know that The Boyfriend won’t freak out about it, it’s not like it would be the first time for us, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t want to have sex in the shower and I don’t want to get naked and I don’t want my blood to get anywhere and it’s pissing me off, just straight up!

I know I’m probably being overly graphic and I know you’re probably all cringing hoping this post will end sooner rather than later, but I’m just not in a very good state right now. I feel incredibly angry all the time, for no particular reason. I’m being bitchy towards everyone I love and it makes me feel terrible. And The Boyfriend goes back to work soon and I feel like I haven’t gotten to spend more than 2 seconds with him and absolutely none of it was intimate and that makes me all sorts of negative emotions.

This period can’t end fast enough…

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Weighing Down


I think I’ve been sad or something the last few days. Something is definitely going on, and I’m not 100% sure what it is or why it’s happening, I just know that it is…

First of all, I’ve been sleeping a lot again, or at least a lot in my opinion. Then after I do all that sleeping, I’m constantly beating myself up about it. The Boyfriend gets out of bed at 6 AM almost every morning and goes to bed after midnight. I go to bed at the same time, but these last few days I’ve been pushing the snooze button to sleep until 9 or 9:30. I don’t like it!

I’m getting overwhelmed by housework lately. I get one bit of cleaning done and then there’s a huge list more that needs to get done and I’m just not cutting it. None of us are really. It’s beginning to really stress me out. I go to bed thinking about all the cleaning that needs to be done the next day and then I spend all the next day in a funk because I’m not getting the cleaning that I need to get done, done!

I’ve been incredibly sore to top all of that off. My knees and ankles are doing terribly and it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay down, it all hurts. I’m also back to the perpetual periods and that whole thing is starting to annoy the crap out of me. First, I go on Depo and the bleeding lasts for almost an entire year, and then I go off Depo and the bleeding disappears for almost an entire year and now I’m back to the bleeding all the time. It’s disappointing…

We haven’t had any hot water for over two weeks now, and at this point I’m not even sure when we’ll be able to get that turned back on. We’re without a vehicle and The Boyfriend and I keep procrastinating on things like going to get groceries, even though he brings stuff home from work, so in that area we’re not hurting.

We keep saying that we need to create a budget and for some reason it all works out on paper, but in reality, we’re just not coming anywhere close to cutting it. It’s a weight that is weighing me down quite heavily and I’m finding it hard not to obsess over how bad we’ve let our finances get.

I have about a million phone calls to make and absolutely no desire to make them, even though they are kind of necessary. I need to get birth certificates for the kids, which is $100 I don’t have. I need to get myself some picture ID, which is still yet more money I don’t have. I need to get my Mom paid for watching the kids for me… There is just so much grown up stuff to do that I don’t want to do…

I just feel generally down and out and overwhelmed. I need to find another part-time job, but as it is I’m having a hard time wanting to go to the part-time job I already have. And not because I don’t love the job, because I really do, but when I’m in the emotional place that I’m at, I’d just much rather stay at home.

Well, I guess it’s time to head off to Mom’s to get ready to go to work… Taking the bus yet again today, which I’m seriously starting to hate. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. How have you been emotionally speaking the last little while? Any big stresses weighing you down?