The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Kaeidyn’s Tude and Great Talk With Mom


10 more comments and I’ve reached 200! That’s pretty exciting, though I bet half of those are from me…

I woke up this morning, in a pretty rotten mood. First, Kaeidyn threw a hissy fit over a shirt that she couldn’t find. I, of course, didn’t completely understand what her issue was being that she was wearing a perfectly fine shirt. So that was step one to a rotten mood. And the whining about this shirt lasted all morning until they finally left for school. I was so upset by this stupid fight first thing in the morning, I decided I was going back to bed.

It took me forever to start falling back asleep, which was a good sign in all honesty. Lately, I’ve been finding it too easy to fall asleep. So I was quite happy that it wasn’t coming easily and that I laid there quite awake for quite awhile. Then, Carter came and snuggled with me and within minutes I was falling back to sleep. Unfortunately, I had not realized that along the way, my alarm clock got unplugged. I woke up just in time to get Keirnan ready for school, but was concerned that I didn’t have enough time to get him to school. I called Mom to see if she’d be willing to drop him off and she was.

While the house isn’t that messy, the kitchen is, but the house in general isn’t, my Mom right away started in on me. Not so much about the mess as it was about how dark it was in here even though the sun was shining bright and she could tell that it was taking it’s toll on me. She said it was obvious that I was feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed. I hadn’t even really realized it, but when she said it, it made sense. She made me open my curtain in the living room (which hasn’t been done since they got put up weeks ago) and forced me to open a window, even though the whole time I was saying it wasn’t necessary.

By the way I feel now, she was definitely right! I always think it’s amazing how Mom’s can do this kind of stuff. I’m always shocked when my Mom’s right about things, I seriously don’t know what it is. It’s just too bad that her advice never seems to work for her, because she is majorly stressed out or depressed. She knows it too but it’s more out of her control than my overwhelmed and depressed is…

We had a nice long talk after Keirnan got to school and that was really good. I hope for her as much as it was for me. I enjoy when we can just talk like we did and everything just feels good afterwards. I vent, she vents, we catch up on things and reminisce about other things. I definitely walk away from these talks feeling better about just about everything.

Then, I played on the computer and checked out a video that Carter and The Boyfriend had made last night and then it was time to go pick up the kids from school. Boy is it ever a nice day out today. I wore my sweater and my jacket, thinking I would be too cold because it looked windy out, but it was warm as heck. Almost all of the snow has melted and the sun is shining bright and it felt really good to go for that walk.

Had another bit of a tiff with Kaeidyn on the walk home about her backpack and her having to plan to have friends come over to the house, not just randomly deciding without asking any parents. I spent half the walk home lecturing her about her terrible attitude and her promising me it would stop, as long as she got to keep her backpack in her room. So sick of all the arguing happening with her. It seems like the only time her and I communicate is when we’re mad at each other and when our attitudes are in high gear. It’s exhausting and completely un-fun.

Well, that’s pretty much life in a nutshell right now. How’s your Monday going?

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Merry Christmas Eve!!


It’s officially that time of the year again! Except this year, all the kids will be with me and The Boyfriend and that’s very exciting for me. We went a little bit overboard with the gift buying this year, though we didn’t realize this until we were sitting up until 3 AM last night wrapping presents.

We’re going over the my Mom’s tonight and spending the night to be able to open presents in the morning with my kids and my sister’s kids. It’s going to be a very crowded and probably mostly uncomfortable night, but it will most likely bring back memories of Christmas past. I’m hoping for the best!  I’m excited about getting to see my sister, and the kids are excited about getting to see their cousins. It’s too bad we don’t get to see them more…

So, wrapping presents was a total gong show! I wouldn’t say I’m the worst Christmas present wrapper in the world, but it’s definitely very frustrating. The entire time, I kept telling The Boyfriend, “Don’t think this is any reflection on my creative ability!”, because it seemed to just get harder and harder. Especially with all the odd shaped gifts we got this year, from a sort of octagonal shaped looking thing, to a completely round gift, let me tell you this, it was NOT easy! On multiple occasions, I was more than ready to throw in the towel. But, it’s all done now. I think by the time we had finished, we had wrapped 18 or some odd gifts!

The kids better be darn grateful is all I can say about that! This is going to be by far one of the best year for presents for them, they better appreciate it. Especially being that they haven’t been that appreciative of much at all this year. All night last night, I just kept thinking they didn’t deserve to be so spoiled when they haven’t been very well behaved lately. But I don’t think that’s the Christmas spirit… Too bad!

We went to the kids Christmas concert the other night, and that was a rather interesting experience. This year, they held it at a church, which I had a lot of issues with. I was so nervous about going into a church after 10ish years of not being a church. Not sure why I was nervous, but almost as soon as we pulled into the parking lot I felt incredibly nauseous. I got over it once the concert started, and hardly even noticed we were in church. I’m waiting for my Mom to send me the videos and pictures of that one, and then you bet your butt, I’ll be showing off!

We had our Christmas lunch at work on Thursday and that was awesome. It was very spur of the moment, and we ended up having Chinese food, which I really wasn’t excited about. It ended up being a much better experience than I had expected. First of all, I didn’t hate Chinese food. The smell was a little much, but I really liked the dough on the chicken balls and I love broccoli and beef. Other than that, I didn’t really try much. We did a little gift exchange where we re-gifted things we already had and then wrote hints on the cards, drew numbers for a plastic container and then one-by-one picked gifts. I landed me a pretty sweet picture of Marilyn Monroe, which I thought was pretty wicked! And now I finally have something to put up in my bathroom!!

Other than that, my week has been filled with Netflix watching (again, thanks to my Mom) and listening to The Wailin’ Jennys, who I’ve officially decided I love more than anything! I’ve even decided on the song I want playing at my funeral… But that’s for another post. I’ve been watching a heck of a lot of Mad Men lately, and so far I’m really loving it, though I kind of knew I would. I think I’m on Season 2 right now. I just started watching Huff and am impatiently awaiting Season 3 of The Big C – which is an absolutely epic show! I haven’t seen season finale’s done that good since ER!!

Well, I think that’s pretty much all I’ve got for today. Check back on the 1st for my New Year’s Resolutions and you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and absolutely Happy Holidays! From my family to yours!


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A Real Rant!


Man oh man! This whole blogging thing is getting so hard for me. Crazy hard for me. I have changed so much. In the beginning of my blogging, I didn’t care a lick if people didn’t like what I had to say. I wrote whatever I felt like writing with little regard to what people might think or how they might feel about it. Now, it seems like it is totally controlling me and stunting my writing.

I keep starting posts and then I’m like, “Oh, so and so will get upset if they see this!” and then I won’t publish the post. I’ve got about 20 posts that are sitting there half done because I’m worried about what people will think or what they’ll think I think of them or whatever like that. Frankly, I’m sick of censoring myself so much. And yet, here I sit, with all those posts talking about the not-so-happy aspects of my life or of the happy aspects of my life, not publishing any of them, because I don’t want any confrontation. It sucks…

The worst part about the whole thing is I’m constantly in that questioning state of mind. I don’t want to voice opinions, because my opinions are constantly changing, my thoughts are constantly changing. I don’t want to make it sound like I have these formed thoughts, when I know that I don’t.

I’m also having a hard time getting my point across lately. I read through those 2o or so posts that I have sitting there saved, and I just keep thinking that my writing is going downhill. I’m having a much harder time writing about my life lately, than I’ve ever experienced before. Not that I’ve changed my mind about the fact that someone out there might find something in my blog of use in some way, I just am having the hardest time in the world writing about it.

It’s actually really bringing me down. I went from being the girl that wrote in a journal everyday, to the girl that blogged everyday, to what I am now, where I’m maybe writing once a week. Not even! I despise it, because I get so much joy and comfort from writing. I feel like it’s the greatest way that I express myself and lately, I’m just not feeling that at all.

Things have also been a little crazy lately, so writing has taken a huge backseat. Now that I’m working full-time, once I get home, it’s time to make dinner. And then shortly after that, it’s bed time and by that time, all I want to do is be close to The Boyfriend. I’ve been feeling profoundly in love with him lately.

He’s been really truly amazing lately. Not that he hasn’t always been amazing, it’s just that I’m becoming more and more aware of it. Today was the absolute topper of the cake and I have been in awe of him ever since.

We had gone over to my Mom’s for dinner and of course, Chef had to be home from work. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stand her alcoholic boyfriend, especially as they get ready to buy a place together. My brother was also there and while he’s doing 90% better than he’s been for awhile, he’s still just not very smart.

My Mom’s been all stressed out because my brother kept saying that he wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent at the end of the month. He keeps saying that he can “handle being homeless” until he can get a job and save up enough for damage deposit on a place. My Mom is not okay with him being homeless, none of us are, but we’re all hesitant to take him into our homes for any length of time. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a mental institution and was essentially disowned for refusing to take medication or even seeing a counselor…

It gets brought up because he says that he’s got a new job. The brother that’s not so swift, went and gave his notice at his place instead of trying to work something out so that he doesn’t get evicted. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually going to get evicted. I get a little hissy and say something to him about it and within seconds, my Mom is yelling for everyone to just stop talking about it.

Well, her boyfriend can’t keep his alcoholic mouth shut and just kept going off about it. She tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps carrying on. She goes out to the kitchen to “cook dinner”. I go out there to try to be comforting and it blew up in my face like you wouldn’t believe.

She was visibly upset about the conversation and made it very clear that she no longer wanted the discussion to continue. I told her that I wouldn’t stand for his lack of respect for one second. If I were her, I would do more than just politely ask him to stop. She snapped at me to stop but him it’s a nice, “Chef, I’d really like for you to stop now”, to which he completely ignored and just kept on beaking.

She turns around and says something along the lines of she doesn’t think I should be talking when I let Alfie get away with all the shit he gets away with. “It’s not like you stand up to him!”. That was officially my breaking point. I walked away and sat down in front of The Boyfriend and said that as soon as we were done eating, we were leaving. Then, for the first time in months, I burst out into tears.

I just hate when she tries to compare what happened/is happening between Alfie and I with what is happening between her and Chef. Because it’s not the same thing at all. I said something about how I would yell and scream to make him stop and she says something about how with him it’s not worth the waste of breath because it’s not like he’ll stop anyways. And while she’s 100% right, when I was with Alfie, I wasted my breath. I yelled and screamed all the time.

I personally think that if you’re going to choose to stay in a bad relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back and take it. No one should think they are so worthless as to allow someone to disrespect them on a daily basis. It just made me so upset.

I also learnt from the horrible mistake that was Alfie. And, I’ve gone above and beyond to change things between him and I. Argh… Here comes the not getting my point across thing…

The big thing that sticks out in my mind is that I have three kids with Alfie. I worked hard on our relationship constantly, even if he wouldn’t, for the sake of the kids. I went and got myself help on numerous occasions for the sake of the kids and for Alfie and I’s relationship, whether it was apart or together. And I made the ultimate decision to leave the guy and become much more of a hard ass when it came to what I expected of him as the father of my children!

It’s hard to really say what I’m trying to say without hashing out all the shit that went down between Alfie and I, but frankly, it’s pointless and painful. But when my Mom throws it in my face, it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible and stupid person. It makes me feel like a damned fool!

I made a hell of a lot of mistakes for all the wrong reasons and I will pay for that forever. I put my kids in a lot of situations I always said I never would for all the wrong reasons. And I’m doing everything in my power to right those wrongs. When she said that I didn’t stand up to him, it made me so angry.

I kept the kids from talking to him for over a month because he had wronged them. It felt absolutely horrible to do it, but it had to be done. He can’t be a fluctuating force in the kids life, he needs to be a constant. He can’t just choose when it’s most convenient for him to have kids. It’s either he has them or he doesn’t. And I struggle every single day to remember that you don’t just deserve your kids because your sperm produces them, just as I don’t deserve the kids because I carried them. You have to seriously put effort into it!

The big thing for me was that while I may have made a lot of stupid decisions, I never just sat back and took the shit. I tried, in so many ways, to stand up to his shit. It may not have worked and sometimes it back fired horribly, but at least I tried. I wasted more than enough breath. And never did I allow him to disrespect me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen, because it did for a really long time, but I never just sat back and took it. It didn’t matter how drunk or sober he was!

After that comment from her, I was visibly upset and The Boyfriend could tell. The more I thought about it, the more I cried and he was the most perfect and amazing comfort at that moment. He held me close, even though he really had no idea what I was upset about, and as I’ve probably wrote before, he didn’t push me to tell him anything. He waited until I was ready and that felt spectacular. Once he learnt it was an Alfie thing, he quickly transformed into the super-protective boyfriend.

We stepped out on the balcony so that I could bawl my eyes out without worrying about my Mom asking or saying anything. It’s always my breaking point, the one thing that I can’t stand and the one thing that I can never fully express to her the difference between me and Alfie and her and Chef. Somehow in those moments, I felt like The Boyfriend was my protector and savior. Like he was defending my honor. Every single time I try to write it out, it doesn’t sound right at all, so I’m not even going to bother to to try anymore, but it was an incredible feeling and one that I don’t ever remember feeling and one that I hope I don’t ever forget.

Needless to say, it’s been a mushy night with The Boyfriend, a kind of sad night being that Alfie is on my mind and a bit stressful because I’m seriously considering trying to work out a way that, for the week that Chef is in town every month, for the kids to not be around that shit.  Because if I won’t let a toxic man like Alfie be in the kids life on any type of regular visit outside a couple of hours when he comes here, why the heck would I let a toxic alcoholic man like Chef around the kids everyday for a week straight?

Well, there’s my rant. No regrets!


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I do not look THAT pregnant!!


Well today wasn’t AS successful as I had hoped it would be, but I did go and get my ID. So two weeks time and I will officially have picture ID, which I plan to be much smarter about when it comes to knowing where it is, so that I don’t have to do this again for awhile…

I got a good majority of my online work done yesterday, so I felt mighty good about that until I started looking back at all the work I had done yesterday, and how much work still needed to be done. And not that it absolutely needs to get done, it’s just that I have a vision and I’m not getting close enough to that vision yet.

I started thinking I need a blogging/website buddy. Someone who can check out the things that I’m working on and give me feedback when I need it and gets my sometimes scattered thinking. Kind of like what I do with The Boyfriend’s blog idea, just a little less involved. Because with him, not only do I give him ideas and edit all of his writing, I also customize the blog and the newsletter. NOTE: All this stuff is still in the works and we’re still not ready to release anything, I was just writing that as an example.

It’s been a mostly lazy day today, which I really have to stop having so many of. But it’s been pretty hot all day today and I don’t have any summer type clothes, so I’ve been sitting in front of my fan for most of the day, except when I went to Mom’s earlier, where I was sitting in front of her fan…

The kids were all relatively good, though thanks to the recent clumsiness and Mama T’s cat, they are all scratched and dinged up. Kenzie has scratches all along his back from falling out of or onto (not really sure…) a tree or maybe from sliding down the ladder off the top bunk of his bed. He also has a bump on his head from the day that he decided to spin around in Kaeidyn’s small room – albeit it was very clean – hit the playhouse and stumbled knocking his head on Kaeidyn’s metal bed frame (Ouch!).

Carter has cat scratches all over his body. From his forehead, to his stomach and his legs, he is so rough with Mama T’s cat, so she gets him really good. The worst part is, I think he likes it. I’ve never heard him cry from a cat scratch, he seems to egg it on and seeks it out, and Nat (that’s the cat’s name), was the first REAL word he said and now says with ease. He’s also added Mom, but he’ll only say that when he’s telling on one of the other kids, Mama – for Grandma –  and Dad, but this is only when he really wants a bottle or something else that he can point at…

Kaeidyn and Keirnan are the least wounded, but theirs seems to be more serious. Kaeidyn had a few mosquito bites (few is a little bit of understatement), so her legs are completely scabbed up. Her knee is still scabbing over, which she scratches off, causing it to scab over again, but it’s looking really good. Keirnan tripped over his own feet today and scraped up his knee rather nicely. So it was a really good thing that the last time we went shopping, I picked up band-aids.

Things between The Boyfriend and I are pretty much going the way the always go, so there’s not much to report on that front. We kind of stay in our own spaces, but somehow it never gets boring and it never gets annoying and it never makes me feel like I’m lonely. There’s only one area of our life that needs improving and I keep begging for it and he keeps making it sound like maybe one day… Minor details at this point.

Work has been kind of hit or miss. Some days, I love my job completely and other days it’s the last place I want to be. They’re going through sort of a transition at work as we look at moving offices, hiring on new people, and going online. I think everyone is just kind of stressed out about the whole thing, so the atmosphere has been stressed and hectic. Some days, it’s exactly what I need and it makes me feel alive. Other days, it just feels like one more thing added to my already over flowing plate.

So that’s pretty much my latest update of all the crap that’s been going on. Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but I can officially say that I’ve lost 5 pounds, so only 25 more to go before I’m completely satisfied. I got asked for a 2nd time today if I was expecting and all I have to say is, Seriously people, I do not look THAT pregnant!! Stop making assumptions!! So, how’s your week going?