The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


Leave a comment

Ramblings…


Today has been an overwhelming and stressful day. It started when I woke up this morning. I had forgotten that I didn’t work until after noon today because Kaeidyn had her assembly, so when the alarm went off, I was sure that it was going to be another morning of rushing around to get everyone ready to go. I come running up the stairs, sure that I’m going to be pressed for time, when I realized that today wasn’t the day.

Then, I went into work late today because Kaeidyn had this big year-end assembly that she really wanted me to go to. It was a lot of fun, though I think I’ve decided that they boys need to stay home on days like that. The principal ended up asking me to take Carter outside because he was being too loud. Luckily my Mom was there, so she took Carter outside so that I could enjoy the rest of the assembly. And I did. She was very cute and I love listening to her sing.

I’m so much like my Mom that way. I always hated it growing up. But the second any of the kids starts to sing, I automatically tear up. I just always find it to be so adorable and it makes my heart feel good. I played guitar and sang during all of my pregnancies, and when they were babies, I would play guitar and let them sit with me. It means a lot to me that they are musical, just like their Mom.

Then I went into work, and it was just crazy busy. Not because it actually is crazy busy, but because we’re currently short on cleaners and when that happens, it feels like it’s hectic and like everything is a huge rush. The good thing is, I’m pretty good at prioritizing and keeping level-headed AT WORK – because I suck at it at home…

The biggest part of my stresses today is talking to my Mom. She tends to be my continual reality slap to the face. And while that’s one of the biggest things that I appreciate about her, in the moment of the slap, it’s hard for me to remember that I really appreciate it and instead it just brings me down. It doesn’t help that at the time I see it as her adding more things to my already full plate. I know she does it for my own good, and like she said today, I’ve “had to go through worse”, it just sucks.

I have so much to do, and so little desire/time to do it with/in, and it just feels like it’s way more than it actually is. I hate how the household and family stress -things like finances, discipline, school, babysitters, cleaning, things that need to be bought – tend to build up over a few weeks and you feel like you can handle it because you have time. Then it gets to the day when you feel like it’s overwhelming and all that building up hits like a ton of bricks. And it makes that one bad day carry on over multiple days and just as you feel like everything is back on track and “normal” again, it starts to build up again. It makes it more exhausting than anything. I have no idea if any of that made any sense…

I have a ton of phone calls to make. Originally I was supposed to make them tomorrow, but I’m probably going to have to work all day tomorrow, so I’ll have to make them on Monday. It’s not even really a ton, it just feels that way because it’s things I don’t want to deal with. That I have a lot of anger about having to deal with it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and Alfie, because things aren’t so good in that department. I don’t want to go into full out details, because I’m still trying to figure out what parts of it are my true feelings and which ones are the parts that are leftover hurt and anger. It’s extremely complicated and even harder to explain. I’m still in, what I’m sure is called, the healing process. And it’s a horrible time for me to have to make important decisions regarding my kids and their Dad. Because it’s just a mixture of all types of negative emotions that I’m still working on coming to terms with. I don’t want to be the type of parent who lets my own emotions negatively impact my kids relationship with their other parent. I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or no he’s a good Dad and whether or not he’s worthy of them. But they are not old enough for that. They are still learning what is right and wrong, and unfortunately I’m still trying to define that for myself and therefore, for them.

It’s such a complicated thing. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there… Like I said, it’s been an overwhelming and stressful day. I am so lucky to have The Boyfriend though, and I’ve really been shown that this past week. Today was absolutely the best, because he knew that I was beyond stressed almost the minute I walked through the door and he sat there so nicely and just listened to me ramble on and on about all the stress. When I was done, he offered his two cents and let me ramble on and on about his two cents and he was so calm and patient and understanding. I’m just really lucky to have a guy that listens to me.

During my stressed-out-rant, I kept saying, “I wish I could just figure out one thing that was a good de-stressor” and after venting to him, I realized he is my de-stressor. He just makes me feel good and I’ve never felt like I needed to question whether he loved me or not, and that’s a very powerful thing for me. I just really love that guy!

So, how has your week been? Any big stressors on your end? How have you dealt with your stress? Did you try any new stress techniques recently? Let’s do a poll about stress, shall we?


Leave a comment

Cute Story, Good News


So, tonight was a rather funny night. The first time I ever saw the movie “Click”, where Adam Sandler died, I cried my eye balls out. Well, like mother, like daughter, so did Kaeidyn.

As his family gathers around him, Kaeidyn starts pouting just a little bit. Then they start crying and he’s crying, next thing you know she’s right out blubbering. Rubbing at her eyes while The Boyfriend and I try to hide our laughter, and I try to hide my tears. It was such a cute moment.

It’s not the first time she’s cried at a movie, but it’s the first time she’s cried and truly understood why she was crying. The first time she cried during a movie was when we first moved into this house and she watched “Spirit”. I don’t think she really understood why she was crying then, at least not like she did tonight.

All the kids have been doing really quite well. Along with my Mom, they bought me flowers the other day. I had had a really rough couple of days with the kids and they were just being incredibly crazy. Mom picked me up for work and I had just had enough and I was really upset and angry. So Mom talked to the kids, and they went out and bought me flowers while I was at work, and when I came home they ushered me into the kitchen to a bouquet of flowers. They were really good for the rest of the night too, which just made it that much better!

More good news is that The Boyfriend has officially been bumped up to full-time!! We’ve been hoping that it would happen for a really long time, and it finally did. We’re both so relieved and so excited. He’s loving his job, I’m loving my job, so work is finally good!

A couple posts back, I had written about being all worried about my brother and my Mom because of my brother. Well, I’m very happy to say that that worry has now been taken care. After spending a little longer than a week in the hospital, Goober was successfully moved into a group home, where he is so far doing really good. They tested him for schizophrenia and so far that is a no-go, so they’re still saying it’s non-specific psychosis, though Goober and I were talking the other night and he pointed out that it could be Seasonal Affective Disorder, since it only seems to happen during these months. I told him to discuss it with his psychiatrist.

My sister came down for a short weekend visit last weekend and that was really great. We went clothes shopping (which I don’t get to do often enough, though sadly it was a horrible experience for me, but picking out clothes for her to try on was super fun!), and it was all around a good time. Looks like she’ll be back in July.

In online news, well there’s not really too much here honestly. I’ve kind of been slacking this week. I’ve got a lot that’s in the “Work In Progress” stage and nothing at the completion stage. I started a new blog called Valerie Rayne’s Randomness. And it’s a very random slice of the web. From my favorite quotes, to some of my favorite YouTube videos, and my answers to Formspring questions, plus a whole bunch more, it’s just literally a bunch of randomness.

I’ve also been reading my Google Reader religiously and seriously delighting in it. I love that I’m the only person I know who has any idea what’s going on in the online world. It makes for rather boring conversation, but I feel far superior than most in at least one area of my life.

Other than that, my week has been pretty boring. I sleep, I stare at my computer screen, I work for a short time and then I stare at my computer screen more. Starting Monday, life should be a little more exciting as I start walking to and from work.

At first I was oober bummed about it and almost mad at my Mom for it, and then I started thinking that I’ve been complaining for months about wanting to lose this baby belly, what better way than to start walking! It’s not like work is that far, and the only part I can see being a big problem is this large hill that I have to walk up when I come home. Other than that, I think it’s going to be fun and if I lose some of the 30 lbs. that I want to lose this year, I’ll be really incredibly happy.

Oh yeah, for anybody who has previously checked out my Stay Connected page to be greeted with blankness, it’s no longer blank. What is on there is mostly a draft, though all the links work. Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to make it look a little better. One step at a time…