The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not a Whole Heck of a lot New…


Not a whole heck of a lot going on around here lately. I’ve been hard at work on the re-design of Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, which is going okay I guess. I don’t want to add too much to the site before the re-design because that’s more work for me once it comes time. I’m hoping we’ll upgrade the site in November and then shut it down for the re-design in December and relaunch in January. That’s the plan as it stands so far.

The cool thing about the upgrade and re-design is that I’ll finally have a chatroom on the site and we’ll even offer video uploading, which I’ve wanted on the site for a long time. I’ll also finally be free of the limit on the number of members that can join – not that that really matters, because the 50 members that I currently have on there are almost never participating. It seems to pick up every once and awhile and then they all disappear and you don’t hear from them forever. I need to figure out how to change that…

I’ve also been playing a lot of my electric keyboards lately. I swear I’m never going to get the hang of this… I seem to have the basics down, but going any further than that seems like it’s physically impossible. I think I’m just not made for electric keyboards. I’m made for the guitar! One day, I’ll get a new one, but right now, it’s just really not in the budget.

The biggest thing that I’m noticing, besides the fact that I can only play something so stupidly simple with my left hand, is that my rhythm seems to get a little screwed up no matter how well I know the song. I either start off too slow or too fast and then have to adjust later on in the song. However, I am learning a lot of songs that I wouldn’t typically learn on the guitar. The Boyfriend has also gotten more involved in picking which songs I should learn next, so that’s been really fun.

In other news, everyone is still battling this cold. It almost feels like we’ll never be healthy again… I’m blaming it on the weather we’re having. It isn’t exactly bad weather, but it’s the season change. It also seems like once one of us begins getting over the cold, someone else gets it really bad, and then we’re all back to sick. It’s taking a toll on everything!

So that’s pretty much we’re doing around here. Anyone got any awesome plans for Halloween?

Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous


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Design Woes: A Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tale


I’m doing it again… I don’t know why I punish myself like this and I wonder how many other bloggers/web designers have this problem. I can never just leave well enough alone and I always want better. It’s like the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side type of issue but all about the design of your website.

I’m not talking about this blog, although I’ve already begun falling out of love with the design of it, but I’m talking about Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve had the same design on that site since it’s infancy and I’m getting incredibly tired of it. I want a change and I want something different. But then, when I try to figure out what I want, I just completely blank.

It doesn’t help that, while I’m totally confident with HTML, even though I’m understanding CSS a lot better, I’m just not confident with it. I don’t believe I could manipulate it and get anything like what I see when I’m searching for inspiration – which I’ve been doing too much of. I can tell it’s too much, because instead of inspiring me, it’s just making me feel sad. “Oh, that’s a nice site. Too bad I’ll never be able to replicate anything close to it…”. Lots of negative self-talking going on.

The biggest thing that I can’t seem to figure out is what kind of design do I want to go for on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous? What kind would most adult bloggers appreciate and be attracted to? I personally have never seen a design that I truly enjoy on most adult websites. Ones that I don’t hate so much, okay – but one that I’m really attracted to. Nope. The sites I’m typically attracted to are the ones that you often find in the “design inspiration” type of posts – the clean, minimalistic, super-simple-to-navigate type of sites. Now, how do I execute that type of feel on a social network and still highlight all the things I want to highlight, without turning it into a cluttered mess (which is what I believe I have right now on the site…)?

Then another issue that I have is that I would prefer to make all my own images. Have social icons that look like they were made specifically for an adult blogging social network, have an overall design scheme that feels like it was created just for this site and not any other, have real quality in the layout of the content, etc. And I feel like everything I want to do requires me to at least be able to create a cool image using an editor like Gimp or Photoshop. But I am the furthest thing from a visual artist. Words and music, I can do, but create something that is visually appealing; not my finest hour.

So, not only do I have a problem actually creating these things, I have a hard time visualizing it in the first place. It automatically makes it feel overwhelming and daunting and it’s no freaking wonder I haven’t re-designed this site in forever and a day… Wow!


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Hard Adjustments


It has felt like a series of very long days for the last few ones. The kids are stressing me out, the constant cleaning (and never being completely satisfied with it) is wearing me down and I haven’t been sleeping very well at all. I’ve been relentlessly snappy and nagging towards The Boyfriend, even though he doesn’t really deserve it and I am desperately craving a vacation – not that I know what that is, but I’m craving it!

Today is a day that for some reason, is my making my stomach twist into knots. After staying up way too late last night as a storm quickly passed over us and woke up all 4 of the kids at 2:30 in the morning, I got woken up this morning by the neighbor kids screaming at my kids through the window. Then, after all the kids went outside to play, Carter ended up hitting his head off another kids head and his stitches started bleeding. They look fine and I’m hoping they’ll take them out and leave them out, but still… Freaks a mother out!

It doesn’t help at all when you hear Kaeidyn’s blood-curdling screams because of it and it’s harder to calm her down than it is to calm the one that’s hurt down. It makes my heart race and my chest feel heavy trying to keep both of them calm, so that I can keep myself calm. Which led to more nitpicking towards The Boyfriend today, when I started, “You’re the one with the first aid certificate, why am I the one that has to actually do it?”, which he rebutted, “I tried to look, you just jumped right in there!”. Well, excuse me!

My body has been fighting back to all my movement and cleaning, which seems to eat up so much of my energy. Three floors, an endless stream of dishes and neverending garbage buildup, tends to fill my day with more than I can handle, all by myself. But every time the kids or The Boyfriend pitch in, I just feel like I have to work that much harder to clean up after their mistakes. Maybe I’m just being too picky… No, I’m definitely being too picky!

Then, my online world is picking up on me rather fast and I apparently wasn’t prepared enough for it to do that. Members have really begun participating on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, my Twitter feed seems to have something I have to respond to multiple times a day and it’s the first time in a long time that I’m not inspired or motivated to deal with any of it. I do, because I told myself I would, but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to get in front of the computer to do these things. When I do get on the computer, I only spend long enough to check these things out before getting off…

It’ll just take some time to adjust. Let’s hope!


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I’m Addicted…


Well, I had reduced the number of blogs that I had…

Now, I’m slowly inching my way back up there. I think I’m at 5 or 6 right now, some are totally in the progress and others are kind of still under construction. Let’s see:

  1. The Rantings of a Tortured Mind
    This blog
  2. Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous
    Now, we also have to remember that this not only has a blog but discussions, groups, videos, and much more!
  3. Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous on Tumblr
    NSFW randomness
  4. Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous on WordPress
    All the latest and greatest updates from Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous
  5. Blog-A-Holic Designs
    The official store of Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, the blog is under construction, but the store is open

So 5… And that’s not including the number of social networks I’m using and the number of different ways I’m using them. For instance, Facebook I have not just my personal profile, but my personal page, a page for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous and a page for Blog-A-Holic Designs. Same goes for Google+.

I’m handling all much better this time than I ever have before. But I think it’s because I’m seriously starting to set goals for myself where all of it is concerned. Not for my personal blog as much as for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve just been working really hard on that one lately. Especially since The Boyfriend has promised that no matter what, by June, I get to upgrade the site. I’m incredibly excited about that.

I’m most looking forward to being able to allow users to upload their own videos, because right now they can only share off of other sites like YouTube and Vimeo. But with the upgrade, they’ll be able to upload straight from their own computers. And I’m hoping that will fill up the Video Blogs category (the only still-empty category…).

There’s also been a decrease in the length of time between new members signing up, which is really promising. But also means that I need to jump on that upgrade sooner rather than later as I’m nearing my member limit. I’ve got 13 spots open and I expect by June for them to all be full. Not that it really matters, because none of these members are participating yet… But I think there might be something wrong with confirmation emails or something, so I’ve been working on getting that cleared up.

I’ve even started looking into ways to monetize my blog(s), but I’m not really putting much hope or dedication into that right now. I mean, if I earn a couple dollars, great, but I’m not shooting for much right now. Like I said, my dedications and priorities lie elsewhere right now. Maybe in a few months, after I’ve upgraded Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous and after I ultimately decide what I’m doing with this blog*, maybe then I’ll start putting more effort into it. Who knows…

* For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you may have seen this update:

I’ve been sort of kind of thinking about changing this whole thing. I haven’t quite figured out how or to what yet. But an acquaintance of mine has offered to help me out with some things and I’ve thought about changing some things for awhile, so it’s kind of on my mind. I’d like to make this the spot that you can come to learn everything that you ever wanted to about lil ole me and then some. I just don’t know what, at that point, I’d want to do other than what I’m already doing…

Well, I could go on about this all day, in my rambly sort of way, but I have things to do, people to see, places to be. Okay… It’s just my Mom, but still! Cheers!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉


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This Was… My Week…


I keep coming on here to write, and then I open up the new post window and just sit there staring at the screen. It’s become very annoying, so I’ve decided, I’m just going to write and see where this ends up…

Work this week was pretty rough. It’s month-end, so that automatically means it’s going to be rougher than usual, because it feels like you’re rushing around like a chicken with your head cut off to make sure you get all your work done by the deadline. But it’s also rougher because my boss doesn’t take the pressure of the whole month-end very well. It also seems to be the part of the month that he understands the least about, because I seem to have to explain every move I make.

It didn’t help that he kept trying to blame all his mistakes on me, like two contractors getting sent out for the same job. He tried saying that was my fault for “not communicating” with him, but really it was because he didn’t bother to look at the very last service order that was created. It’s harsh working with so many people who don’t know how to use our software and aren’t even willing to learn how. We could be utilizing that system so differently and making everything so much better and smoother, but instead, we’re just continuing using it as if it’s a brand new program to us… And it’s not.

The Boyfriend just finished up a week-long holiday and went back to work this morning. The holiday was totally needed and I’m glad that his boss practically forced him to take it. While it was mostly a week full of relaxation for him (jealous!), it was nice to have him home that much. It was nice not having him exhausted at the end of the day because of work, but instead because he had stayed up too late the night before or because he didn’t sleep in as much as he had hoped.

It’s his birthday today!! My man’s officially the same age as me for the next nine months. No plans unfortunately for his birthday, though that’s not really new for any of us. We aren’t really the planning type. I might try to go pick him up an ice cream cake later when my Mom brings the older kids home from their sleepover. Nothing goes better with birthdays than ice cream cake 😉

Kaeidyn and Kenzie have both been having pretty tough weeks at school for the last little while. It started with Kaeidyn, constantly complaining of stomach aches and ending up staying home from school or going to the sick room at school through the day. We finally talked about that and ever since she hasn’t missed a day. I still have no idea what was going on there at all, but at least she’s going to school now without a huge fight. Kenzie’s issues only started a few days ago when him and some boys were playing in his class and one of the boys accidentally threw a car at his head. The next day, for the first time ever, he got put in the thinking chair at school and was terribly upset about it. First time ever that he’s walked out of school crying…

The beginning of the year went so great, outside of a few small issues with Kaeidyn’s teacher, but now it seems like it’s a fight everyday to send them to school. I hate when I don’t have control over what’s happening to them in a day and I’m not there to see what’s happening and therefore can’t better help them process their emotions and feelings about things that are happening to them. And I absolutely despise my first reaction when I hear about any issues at school, because at first I feel like I come off blaming them for the problem and being automatically hard on them instead of comforting. I feel like I have to remind myself that I’m their Mom and they are just kids. It makes any issues that are happening without me there that much harder to deal with.

Keirnan and Carter spent a majority of the last week alone together. And honestly, it was such a great idea on my Mom’s part. They are getting along so much better now than they were prior to the last week. I wouldn’t say that they were getting along badly, it was just they always seemed to be in each other’s space. Carter would go to play with a car and suddenly Keirnan would decide he’s playing with it. Keirnan would be sitting quietly doing something and Carter would come up behind him and start climbing all over him. Just normal brotherly stuff, I suppose. But spending that week together without their older siblings around very much at all, really seemed to separate them up a little bit better and now you’ll often find them on opposite ends of the room, doing their own thing.

Other than that, it’s been a pretty quiet week around here. I’ve been working on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, the kids have been watching Netflix or playing video games and The Boyfriend’s been working on The Moham Chronicles (his science fiction/fantasy book) and video games. That’s our week in a nutshell. How was your week?

This post is intended for adults 18+


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My Favorite Links This Week


I’ve been working on so many things over these past few days online and I’m getting tons done. In the process, I’ve ran across quite a few really great links that I’d love to share with you. I’ve included a couple links to what I’ve been posting elsewhere as well. Enjoy!

Favorites from Facebook…

Favorites from Blogs I’ve Subscribed to…

What I’ve Posted…