The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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OR…


So remember awhile back when I was all, “Boo hoo, I don’t wanna blog anymore!“? Well, I’m over that!

I’ve spent all day today doing one of two things. Either watching and reading Minecraft tutorials OR working on blog-related stuff. I’ve just spent the last 3 hours attempting to customize the settings to a lot of my social networking sites. I’m not even halfway done yet…

For the most part though, today kind of sucked. I felt like I had the crappiest sleep in the world last night (didn’t get laid like I expected to), so waking up this morning was almost impossible. I struggled for about two hours after I had officially gotten up to actually wake up. I even took a mini nap while The Boyfriend ran to grab us coffee…

I thought it was going to be a much better day being that I was first woken up to a knock at the door and a postman happily handed me a box. A few days ago (literally, it didn’t take long to get here), I ordered something off EdenFantasys. I’ve spent a lot of time on the forums and wishlisting stuff, so I had amassed a tidy sum of points and they let you convert your points into a gift card. So I used all my points to get myself a healthy gift. I figured it would be a great day with this arrival, alas, it just didn’t turn out that way.

The kids were all incredibly annoying today, and when I say incredibly, I really mean it. From the moment he woke up, to the time that he finally fell asleep just a few moments ago, Carter was a non-stop noise-maker today. It started with video games (those wretched things!). He got to play this morning and then he got to play with Daddy. This always results in more talking than you’ll ever hear out of his mouth at any other time. Then, there was a solid hour of crying after he got kicked off the video games and lots of “I didn’t get to play on the Xbox”, even though he had just been kicked off… After that, the kids got home from school and now it wasn’t just Carter!

Kenzie was whiny when he first got home from school, crying about every little thing that was happening around him. “Carter did this! Kaeidyn isn’t home yet! The teacher fixed my pants!”, it was just never-ending. Out of nowhere, he turned into a ball of energy and we could not get him to sit still or be quiet for longer than two seconds. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream, he wanted to fight, he wanted to tell stories. It was exhausting.

Kaeidyn had gotten to go out with her Nana after school today, to go play with clay. So, I only had to deal with her talking my head off for a short little while, because almost as soon as she got home it was bedtime. I’m sure she’ll catch up for the missed annoyances tomorrow. Keirnan was mostly quiet but he was being such an instigator in everyone else’s loud streaks. He’s been dealing with a lot of upset stomach problems lately, so isn’t quite as active as the other kids, but finds his own sneaky way to get in on the trouble-making.

Needless to say, I have been in a permanent state of annoyed for a really long time and I’m officially ready to be over it. I think the rest of the night will either be made up of playing some keyboards, watching Star Trek and going to bed OR taking a bath, reading some Sherlock Holmes, having some sex and then going to bed 😉


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Happy Birthday Boyfriend (with Pictures)


Yet another year has gone by and it’s that time of year again when for a short period of time, The Boyfriend and I will the same age! It’s always an exciting time of the year for me, because I don’t feel like the oldest one in the relationship (even though I know that I always will be, I don’t feel it so much).

Generally, we don’t do much for anyone’s birthday around here. For his this year, it somehow managed to be quite a special day. We had tried to talk the kids into sleeping in or at least letting us sleep in, but that didn’t really go as planned. Although it was quite a bit easier than we had expected to wake up this morning. First order of business was to get some coffee in us and even though it was bitterly cold and snow was blowing all over the place, the birthday boy braved the weather and brought us home the first coffees of the day.

He let me play Minecraft for a bit – I’ve got two different files going right now. One is my “creative mode” one and I’ve got a freaking wicked train station, with a functioning train and it took tons of math for me to figure out how to make this world. First time in years that I’ve used division… The other is a “survival mode” one that I keep re-starting over and over again called ValerieVille. While I was playing Minecraft, he was playing Star Trek Online where he is now a Rear Admiral Lower Half – which just sounds so unlike him that it’s bordering on ironic.

Then, I made the world’s most awesome breakfast brunch ever. I had seen a picture on Pinterest a couple weeks back that inspired the meal today, which made me much more enthusiastic than I had expected. The first time ever that I’d seen something on Pinterest and then actually made it… So, without reading any instructions, I set out to make Bacon Bowls with some Scrambled Eggs and Buttered Toast.

All in all, it was a great brunch that filled us all right up and we all wanted more. Definitely adding Bacon Bowls to more of our meals – because seriously, who doesn’t love bacon and who doesn’t love bowls? They are both very awesome things! I mean, one of them holds things in a circular type fashion, a sort of dome for delicious foods to be gathered in – gathered! And then of course, the other one is bacon and really, I don’t need to explain that one to you… Do I?

After brunch, we switched electronics and he’s spent the majority of his birthday doing his most favorite thing in the world… Gaming.

The kids were in a picture-happy mood, and Miss Kaeidyn wants to show you all the great pictures she took, so check out the public Facebook album “Boyfriend’s Birthday 2013” to see more of our amazing day! She also made a video that’ll show you just what type of nerds I’m living with here… Although, there’s me in the background, blogging away – so, maybe I shouldn’t talk so much 😉

Now, the kids are quietly going off to bed, an hour later than they were supposed to for a school night and I’m finishing up this blog post before hopefully going for a nice hot bath. I’ve been spending the last few days working on a special little project (little being the biggest understatement of my year thus far), so I’ve been on the computer a lot more than my body likes – but it’s a project that I’m quite excited about.

I hope you enjoyed being invited in for The Boyfriend’s nerdy birthday party and be sure to like this post and leave any thoughts you may have below!


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Overwhelming Sadness


It’s been a really long time since I last wrote and I’m hating it, but frankly, I have had absolutely no desire at all to get on the computer. I’ve barely had any desire to do anything. To be quite honest, I think I’m just finally breaking out of a couple week’s long bout of depression… Almost 5 years without any signs of it and now it feels like it’s been creeping in on me.

There have been no real reasons behind this at all, just a general feeling of sadness that has persisted despite everything I’ve done to change it – save for taking any medication. Maybe it all stems from the fact that I began losing interest in the computer and so haven’t been on it for quite a long time. It’s to the point where the whole family is getting annoyed that I’m not going on the computer anymore…

It’s also been a pretty rough couple of weeks these last few. From all the dealings with child service (yes, we’re still dealing with them), to the kids really misbehaving, to a general lack of money and a house that I can’t seem to keep clean, it’s all just a little overwhelming. It just keeps feeling like there is disappointment at every single corner and the disappointments in everything are just stacking up now.

And really, I’ve only had 2 really bad days, during a period where every word Kaeidyn and I were saying to each other resulted in a fight. For those two days, going to bed was full of tears and the moment my eyes opened in the moment, full of tears. It’s so much rougher than I ever anticipated it could be with an 8-year-old that is so full of attitude. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sympathetic towards my Mom and what she had to go through with me at those ages. And frankly, I’m terrified of her getting any older than this.

The boys have also had more energy than they know what to do with. So, I’ve got the mental exhaustion of Kaeidyn and the physical exhaustion of Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter and while I have a great help in The Boyfriend, there are just too many times when he’s not here and I’m left alone to deal with it all. Add on top of all of that that I feel like I’m never dealing with it in a way that makes me feel good when I walk away from it, and it’s hard to not spend my entire days thinking about how much I’m failing as a Mom and that just generally makes you feel crappy.

The people in my life that matter to me, like my Mom and The Boyfriend and a few others, tell me that I’m not absolutely failing as a Mom. In The Boyfriend’s eyes, I’m the best Mom out there and I do so much for the kids and he wouldn’t ask for anyone else to be the Mom to his kid. Of course, I always think he’s just saying those things because he feels obligated to say them or just because he doesn’t know any better himself. My Mom will tell me that I’m not absolutely failing, just that I have a few areas to work on, to improve. But still, not the crappiest Mom in the world. But for some reason, the people that doesn’t matter to me at all in my life, such as child services, they say that I’m not the best Mom and I take that as I’m a total failure who is obviously not meant to raise these kids.

More than once in the past few weeks have I seriously considered sending the older three to live with their Dad or to just plain tell child services to take them, because the feeling that I can’t do it at all, that I can’t be a good parent to them is sometimes so overwhelming that I feel like giving up. And then I feel horrible for feeling like giving up, because I’ve always been prideful of the fact that I’ve been here for these kids through thick and thin, no matter what, for their entire lives. I’ve never given up, so it’s incredible difficult on an emotional level to have those thoughts at any time… To think about giving up.

I imagine, now that The Boyfriend has finally gotten me back on the computer, that you can expect another post in a day or so. But this was just a started to let you know some of what’s been going on that has kept me away from you. Feels good to finally write again!


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Obsessions and Addictions


Man oh man… I just keep neglecting to come back here.

First, I’ve been getting obsessed with stuff that takes me away from the computer. I started reading The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a book that has been on my “to-read list” forever (one day, I’ll actually compose this list out, but for now it lives entirely in my head). I’m enjoying it, although I am finding it to be a little repetitive. I mean, I basically know from the very get go that Holmes is going to solve the mystery and Dr. Watson is going to be shocked about how he came to these conclusions long before the evidence suggested a case-closed situation. However, I’m still baffled every single time I read that Holmes and Dr. Watson did cocaine together, like it was just another part of any other day.

I know that this was the norm for the era that Holmes is based in. And what’s even stranger to me is that I don’t get that baffled feeling when thinking about say Freud doing cocaine or prescribing it to his patients and it doesn’t shock me every time I think about the fact that cocaine used to be an ingredient in Coca-Cola during the same time period. But for some reason, the whole concept of Watson and Holmes doing cocaine, just floors me every time. I swear I read it and the look on my face just goes straight to shock…

Then, the next thing that I’ve become entirely all too obsessed with, and really, we all have, is Minecraft. I’ve been hearing about this game forever and hated everything about it. That was, until I actually played it. On a whim, we downloaded the free trial for the Xbox, and we haven’t been able to stop playing ever since. The Boyfriend and I will literally sit there fighting over whose turn it is to play and we wake up every morning to the kids fighting over who gets to play it between them.

I don’t know what it is about this game that has got us all so hooked. Both The Boyfriend and I just keep trying to figure out what we love so much about it and neither of us can really figure it out. It also doesn’t help that it’s easy to lose track of time once you’re on the game and it’s one of those games that can easily result in one too many hours spent on it. Then, we decided to check out the Minecraft Wiki and now we’re even more obsessed! It’s been making me not want to get on the computer at all…

When we’re not playing Minecraft and I’m not reading Holmes, we’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek and/or playing Karaoke. I even got a video of The Boyfriend and I doing karaoke last night (which I’m hoping to have edited enough to share in a day or so – it’s over 2 hours long, so I gotta cut it down…). It’s been a lot of fun, even if it does make you feel incredibly lazy.

But all in all, things around here are looking really good. Besides a mound of laundry that just seems to keep building, the house is nice and clean and only needs a slight tidy up. The kids are all having a bit of attitude problems, but that’s to be expected as it begins to warm up outside – and I could not be more happy about it! I honestly cannot wait for summer! So that’s pretty much all that’s new around here.

Now, I want to know, do you play Minecraft?


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Thinking About Homeschooling…


So, I’ve been considering homeschooling the kids…

Before having kids, I was determined that that was the way I was going to teach my kids. At the time, I was still in the public school system and hated every single minute of it. I hated that I couldn’t ask these big abstract questions that I had at that age, because teachers were concerned that it would upset other children in the class. I couldn’t learn what I wanted to learn, because it wasn’t part of the curriculum. Back then, the internet wasn’t readily available in every single home. I mean, this was back in the dial up days, when you couldn’t be on the phone and the internet at the same time. My parents were basically oblivious to what the internet was and AskJeeves was considered to be better than Google (at least from the schools perspective). I wasn’t learning what I wanted to learn, I wasn’t being taught by people who were given free range to teach me, and I always wanted my kids to have it differently.

By the time Kaeidyn was school-aged though, Alfie was entirely against the homeschooling idea. He thought it would be too much work, that we wouldn’t be smart enough to teach the kids and that we wouldn’t be able to teach them anything of value. As far as he was concerned, that was not what he wanted for his kids. And it wasn’t an informed decision. It was a decision much like that of circumcision  Well, I did it, so should they… (Although none of our boys are circumcised.)

Generally speaking, while with Alfie, I lost a lot of my opinions about what a parent should and could be to their kids and about what I wanted my kids’ life to be like. To me, it felt like it wasn’t worth the fight with him and I went to public school, why couldn’t they… But as time has gone on, as the kids get older and all of them are starting to be in public school, as I’ve had all this time to have a man support almost every parenting decision I’ve ever made, I’ve begun questioning why I ever put them in public school in the first place and if it’s really the best thing for them as well as if it’s the best thing for me.

Everyone keeps telling me about all the time it would take up, all the effort I would have to put in. I look at those two things and on one hand, I’m terrified. On the other hand, it excites me. As it stands right now, I really have no reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to structure my life more, no reason to do anything other than what I’m doing right now… No, I’m not saying homeschooling is the answer to any of these issues, but at least it’s a reason to wake up – other than, because I really should.

I also like the idea of being my kids’ teacher. I enjoy the concept of sitting down with them at a set time every day and doing actual school work. I like the idea of them being able to learn more than just what they’re supposed to know at the end of Grade 3 or Grade 1, but learning what their brother’s and sister are learning. I like the idea of them thinking I’m just as smart as they’re current teachers and I like the idea of being able to teach them more than just math, science and social studies. I like the idea of keeping them home, away from the bullies and the kids that are growing up way too fast. Since we’ve come to this school, I’ve heard the word rape in the context of a story about school used more than once. And if Kaeidyn didn’t feel as comfortable with me as she does, I would’ve never known and would’ve never had the chance to explain to her what rape means and why it’s not a nice word to use…

At first, the homeschooling idea that spurred this little rant was The Boyfriend’s idea. He had said, more in passing than in actual conversation, that we should homeschool the kids. Ever since, it’s been on the top of my mind. It’s all I’ve really been able to think about for the past 3 days. It’s like I’m evaluating myself to see if I think I could even do it – even though, I really have no idea what it’s going to take for sure. I’ve asked a friend of mine (who homeschools her kid) to give me some information, though so far, I’m not sure if it’s helping or not. She also lives in BC, not Alberta, so I’m still searching for resources on homeschooling here in Alberta and how you go about it.

It’s definitely on my mind though…


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Nothing But Complaints…


Alright, so I officially suck at blogging everyday, it’s just impossible. And yesterday, there were so many opportunities and I just could not force myself to write anything. I had absolutely no motivation. This is something I’m going to be exploring with a passion over the next few days, because I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep letting every single goal I ever make for myself slip through my fingers, especially when it’s something I enjoy doing…

Plus, I’m never going to get anywhere that I want to be if I just continue to get discouraged or whatever you want to call it. I am in one heck of a funk though. This thing has got a vicious grip on me and all day yesterday and all day today, I have just felt completely boggled down by whatever this negative emotion is that I’m feeling at the moment. It’s not even really any particular feeling, just a general blah-ness.

I’m not sure exactly what’s causing this. I know part of today’s funk has to do with the fact that it was supposed to be The Boyfriend’s day off and then he ended up getting called into work bright and early this morning because night crew didn’t do their jobs. I would’ve been less upset about it if it weren’t for the fact that they had been dicking him around in general over this day off for the last two weeks, constantly changing when it would be and constantly changing how many days it would be, that it was annoying that they had finally gotten it figured out and then I get woken up this morning to a phone call for him to come in on his day off. I was not impressed…

But the day, for the most part, has been overall decent. Yes, there’s been moments of getting angered with the kids or moments of laughter, such as – we downloaded a whole bunch of game demos because The Boyfriend got a hard drive. One of the games we downloaded was Just Dance 4 for the kids and it was just about the cutest thing watching Kenzie and Kaeidyn try to nail these dance moves. It’s been a day like any other basically.

I hate that school is already starting again. I definitely don’t feel prepared at all. I was hoping to go to the laundromat before school started, I was planning on having so much more of the house completely cleaned. We’ve had each area of the house completely cleaned at one point or another, but keeping it that way seems physically impossible. And that’s only because my energy levels are at an absolute minimum – or else it wouldn’t be that impossible.

And that’s another thing that I really need to figure out. How to get my energy levels up, because I just feel exhausted and un-motivated all the time. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or move. I just want to stay in one spot… I feel incredibly lazy and I hate it. I mean, obviously I’m not just staying in one spot or not doing anything, because that’s definitely impossible, but I’m not doing all that I want to be doing.

Darn this winter thing. I swear, if it were summer, I would not be going through all these whiny days and nothing but complaints. I hate this weather and I hate the lack of sunshine and I hate that I can’t kick the kids outside to play… I’m just pissy…


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Just Quick


My poor Carter is very sick. He did good all day and then right around dinner, he started looking flushed and was complaining that he was sick and now his whole body is aching and his stomach hurts. Kaeidyn went through almost the exact same thing yesterday and still looks rough today.

I, on the other hand, slept most of the day away, even though I was trying so hard not to. I just absolutely could not wake up. We had the people here to fix our door and I stayed mostly awake during that, but as soon as they left, I fell back asleep until the kids started asking for dinner!

At first when I woke up, I felt so angry and upset that I had slept almost all day. Turns out it was the start day of my period and once I got past the initial upset, I actually got a lot done including dishes, laundry and cleaned even more of the kitchen. Plus, Kaeidyn did a great job making sure the boys didn’t make a mess of all the cleaning we did yesterday and the day before.

I have been having a difficult time getting motivated to get on the computer, which is unfortunate because I feel like I’m just not giving 100% to any of my current online ventures. As it is right now, I’m writing this from my bed on my BlackBerry and I just don’t feel like I’m actually getting anything done… Definitely need to make some adjustments there.

Now it’s time to watch some Star trek, which The Boyfriend and I are getting more and more addicted to. From watching 2 or 3 episodes every night of Next Generation and playing Star Trek Online to the constant talk of it. We’re obsessed!