The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Face Full of Blood

Yesterday was a very emotionally taxing day. It started off fine. I was a little bit down, but I knew that was going to happen because it was Sunday and Sunday’s normally are those types of day for me lately. But in literally an instant, that quickly changed. Instead of being your  typical normal down and out Sunday, I spent most of the day yesterday in and out of on the verge of tears. One minute I’d be smiling and the next, tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.

I woke up with this thing near my eye that made my left eye feel heavy and droopy. It’s better today and isn’t bugging me as much as it was yesterday, but that was Step 1 to a bad day. Then, we’re sitting on the bed, flipping through Netflix when all of a sudden from outside, we hear Keirnan crying. So I look outside and see him getting up from where all the kids were sitting. I turn around and literally as soon as I’m facing away from the window, every single kid outside is screaming bloody murder. I quickly turn back around, expecting to see the absolute worst thing possible. And this is probably what actually turned a little bit of fright into the emotional turmoil I was in yesterday.

In the amount of time it took me to turn back to the window, all the worst possible and most morbid and horrible images flashed before my eyes. I felt like that moment went so slowly as I quickly tried to figure out what I had just seen in my first look and what I might see in my second look. Instant and immediate panic terrorized me. As I turn to the window, I see Keirnan with blood running furiously down his whole face. Across his forehead is covered in blood and all down one side of his face. I yell at The Boyfriend to get out there and grab him, even though The Boyfriend is only sitting right in front of me and in his boxer. He quickly jumps up and runs down there where Keirnan has already made it to the door.

With a huge swarm of kids screaming behind him and him crying partially out of hurt but mostly out of fear, The Boyfriend was quick to bring him in and try to assess what all the kids were screaming behind him. I grabbed a cold cloth and began my own special treatment of Mommy First-Aid, trying not only to calm this scared kid and myself, but also trying to figure out if we should be rushing to the hospital!

All this was much worse than what it ended up being in the end. Some kid had accidentally hit him in the forehead with a crystal or something like that, and from this little cut in his head came all that blood. Once I had wiped all the blood off his face, the cut had stopped bleeding and all was fine. But the morbid thinking, the shaking and sweating and the absolute fear and panic up until that realization turned my day so quickly from just down and out to completely down.

I spent pretty much all day in a total funk. I kept complaining of being bored and then I wouldn’t want to do anything – even though The Boyfriend was full of suggestions. Then, sometime near dinner, all my joints started hurting really bad, especially my knees, which always makes me grumpier than necessary. By the time the kids went to bed, I was raging with horrible emotions and thoughts and feelings. Just absolutely in the pits…

Luckily, we watched a few hours of Weeds and by the time we were done and going to bed, I felt at least a little bit better. A little less stressed and upset. And by this morning, waking up to the sound of the kids’ fighting over whether it was going to be iCarly or Power Rangers, I think I was officially cured of my funk. Thank goodness too, because that was a rough day yesterday.

Today, I got the kitchen back to presentable, which is a good thing because it was almost to the point of absolutely needing it. It’s funny that when I’m able to keep the majority of my house clean, my kitchen gets incredibly neglected. But now that the rest of my house is so out of control, my kitchen has been cleaned almost regularly… Weird! Then, I made us some delicious chicken and rice with a super sauce that Carter helped me make (he says he’s sorry if it tasted a little off…).

Now, I am trying really hard to get a blog post published today, because I will feel like I accomplished nothing if I don’t and at some point I have every intention of watching Weeds again tonight. It’s going to suck when I finish it, but I’m trying not to think about that – especially being that I watched every other show more than once, so why can’t I watch Weeds multiple times too?

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Weighing Down

I think I’ve been sad or something the last few days. Something is definitely going on, and I’m not 100% sure what it is or why it’s happening, I just know that it is…

First of all, I’ve been sleeping a lot again, or at least a lot in my opinion. Then after I do all that sleeping, I’m constantly beating myself up about it. The Boyfriend gets out of bed at 6 AM almost every morning and goes to bed after midnight. I go to bed at the same time, but these last few days I’ve been pushing the snooze button to sleep until 9 or 9:30. I don’t like it!

I’m getting overwhelmed by housework lately. I get one bit of cleaning done and then there’s a huge list more that needs to get done and I’m just not cutting it. None of us are really. It’s beginning to really stress me out. I go to bed thinking about all the cleaning that needs to be done the next day and then I spend all the next day in a funk because I’m not getting the cleaning that I need to get done, done!

I’ve been incredibly sore to top all of that off. My knees and ankles are doing terribly and it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay down, it all hurts. I’m also back to the perpetual periods and that whole thing is starting to annoy the crap out of me. First, I go on Depo and the bleeding lasts for almost an entire year, and then I go off Depo and the bleeding disappears for almost an entire year and now I’m back to the bleeding all the time. It’s disappointing…

We haven’t had any hot water for over two weeks now, and at this point I’m not even sure when we’ll be able to get that turned back on. We’re without a vehicle and The Boyfriend and I keep procrastinating on things like going to get groceries, even though he brings stuff home from work, so in that area we’re not hurting.

We keep saying that we need to create a budget and for some reason it all works out on paper, but in reality, we’re just not coming anywhere close to cutting it. It’s a weight that is weighing me down quite heavily and I’m finding it hard not to obsess over how bad we’ve let our finances get.

I have about a million phone calls to make and absolutely no desire to make them, even though they are kind of necessary. I need to get birth certificates for the kids, which is $100 I don’t have. I need to get myself some picture ID, which is still yet more money I don’t have. I need to get my Mom paid for watching the kids for me… There is just so much grown up stuff to do that I don’t want to do…

I just feel generally down and out and overwhelmed. I need to find another part-time job, but as it is I’m having a hard time wanting to go to the part-time job I already have. And not because I don’t love the job, because I really do, but when I’m in the emotional place that I’m at, I’d just much rather stay at home.

Well, I guess it’s time to head off to Mom’s to get ready to go to work… Taking the bus yet again today, which I’m seriously starting to hate. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. How have you been emotionally speaking the last little while? Any big stresses weighing you down?