Stressing and Honeymooning

Today, I am feeling incredibly stressed out and it’s not because something from today has stressed me out. It’s totally about not looking forward to tomorrow. On Friday, I wasn’t feeling very good so I asked if I could go home early. Well then I was asked to call the big boss and ask first as she was planning on talking to me. Honestly, my heart was racing so fast that I only heard about half of what she said, but essentially they’re concerned that this job “isn’t working out for me”.

I know what has brought this about and I’m a little upset about it and having a hard time not being incredibly angry. I want to vent to the big boss at work and tell her about all the wrongdoings done to me, but I feel like I’ll just be wasting my breath. It’s all kind of hard to explain and half the time, I don’t even remember how it got this bad in the first place, but it’s not that the job isn’t working out for me…

The last time someone sat me down to talk to me about my performance at work, I got super-defensive. It didn’t help that it was a person that I was already having lots of problems with it. Now I’m super nervous that the big boss and I are going to sit down and I’m going to get super-defensive again, and I really hate that side of me. It’s just stressing me out a lot and I’m really not looking forward to work tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ll be walking out of the office crying and that just pisses me off!

Outside of the stress that I’m feeling, this weekend has been pretty good. It’s the first one in awhile that both The Boyfriend and I have off, so that automatically makes it a better weekend. I feel like we’re honeymooning this weekend. The first night, Friday, was a typical day for us. But yesterday was so different. The day seemed to go by in a blur and then at night, things slowed down so much.

We cuddled for a really long time, watched a movie about Marquis De Sade (Quills), which we both couldn’t decide whether we liked it or not and we had some freaking amazing crazy three-hour long sex. It was really windy last night, so he knew I would probably find it hard to fall asleep, and that meant I spent the whole night just completely engulfed by him. The kids let us sleep in this morning and when we woke up, we couldn’t stop cuddling and touching and telling each other we loved the other one. It’s just been really incredible and it feels damn good.

I was even able to get the kids and The Boyfriend cleaning today while I made my Mom’s famous Hashbrown Omelette. But I put my Dad’s twist of making in the oven in a cupcake pan. So freaking delicious. It’s been awhile since we’ve bought bacon for around the house, so needless to say that got eaten up right quick. I’m really impressed with how lazy I feel like we’ve been the last few days, how much housework has been getting done. The dishes are the biggest change. Last night, I didn’t feel like doing the dishes and The Boyfriend did them instead – the first time since we’ve lived together that he’s done more than just the dishes needed for a meal. Maybe that’s part of the reason for the honeymooning?!?

I was also made really happy last weekend when Alfie got me back a whole bunch of CD’s that his sister had stolen many moons ago. So I had a great night of reminiscing to all the bands that I used to love to listen to when I was 14 and of some of the bands that I’ve seen in my life. I was most happy to get Complete, a Spawner Records band that I’ve met multiple times and Darryl’s Grocery Bag, another smallish BC band that I had the honor of hosting a show they did. I miss those days of going to punk shows and skanking in the pit and mohawks and teenage angst… It was really nice to be able to look back on that, after so many years of not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got in the way of updates for the last few days. How’s your last few days been?

Meal Planning is on the List

So last night, as I scoured the house for what to make for dinner, it occurred to me that now, more than ever, we need a meal plan! In the past, I’ve been slightly interested in this concept, though it was more for once-a-week/month cooking and I’ve since officially given up on ever having this as a possibility. But I’m sick of every night getting home from work, and the last thing The Boyfriend or I want to do is cook. Then we sit there for an hour trying to figure it out and by the time we’ve figured it out, we’re not hungry anymore, so getting up to go make dinner is becoming WAY too much of a chore…

I seriously just want to get my life back on track or at least closer to the track, because right now, I feel like my big old boat of a car is stuck out in the middle of the ocean! (Did you like that metaphor?) I need to learn how to live life without everyday being this huge burden and stress. It should not be this hard and I know it can be easier, it has to be! And I think getting a budget going and planning our meals are two really amazing steps towards a more organized life.

The budget thing I’m still massively working on. We’re nowhere close to being where we could say that we have any sort of budget, though I think we’re both pretty conscious of where our money is going. The big thing we need is a way to not spend as much on stuff we don’t need, that and cutting down on all the stuff we want like smokes and pop. It’s one of those things that I’m not really comfortable with figuring out, so I’ve put it on the back burner for a really long time. But I really want a car this year, really bad. And while The Boyfriend came up with one idea to make it more possible this year, it won’t matter if we can’t save a penny towards it!

But anyways, back to the meal planning. I think a big problem with meals lately is that The Boyfriend and I are both being so choosy when it comes to what we’ll eat. We often choose the same things over and over and could probably live off of burgers, fries and gravy. Not only is this not healthy for us or the kids, it’s not helping me get anywhere closer to my goal of losing my baby belly and it’s definitely not good for our wallets. The big issue for us though, is that we don’t like to mix it up with our food too much.

Some of the other things that stand in the way of us making meal-time (including planning, prepping, etc.) is that my kitchen just straight up sucks. There’s not much room, the dishes are never done, it’s almost never as clean as I like it and now my oven door is popping off it’s hinges. We recently got new pots and pans to eliminate the issue of never having the right sized pots or pans, but now we have a new issue where we’re missing appliances or kitchen gadgets that we need. Mixing bowls and measuring devices are the one I hate the most!

We have slowly been making headway with keeping the kitchen tidier. It’s still not anywhere near where I’d like it to be, not even close. But at least the dishes are getting closer to done everyday and the counters are finally clean! When my floor and walls have been scrubbed and my oven cleaned, then I will be truly happy. Until then, I think that kitchen is not going to inspire any meal-time loving…

I also don’t know how to make a meal plan. I mean, I get the basics. Plan out your meals for X amount of days/weeks/month, put it on a calendar and stick to it. My issue is that, like I said, we eat a lot of the same food. You can only see Mashed Potatoes and Rice so many times on one piece of paper before you start thinking your palette is pretty pathetic! Then there’s the issue of how the heck do I plan for these meals. Normally, I separate up my meat as soon as it comes home, and it’s always the same thing. Then it’s normally whatever we have available as a side and corn as the vegetable. A lot of times, the entire meal comes from a box or bag that had been in the freezer (Hamburger Helper, Tacos, etc.). Those aren’t really things you plan, that’s things you pull out of the fridge…

I’m just not sure how to start, I’m definitely not sure how to follow the plan and I’m not sure how to incorporate what I’ve read with what my real life is like… I need to start researching recipes more and start experimenting and changing and buying the stuff I need to be able to do all that. Why does everything that is on my to-do list make my to-do list even longer?!?

Ramblings…

Today has been an overwhelming and stressful day. It started when I woke up this morning. I had forgotten that I didn’t work until after noon today because Kaeidyn had her assembly, so when the alarm went off, I was sure that it was going to be another morning of rushing around to get everyone ready to go. I come running up the stairs, sure that I’m going to be pressed for time, when I realized that today wasn’t the day.

Then, I went into work late today because Kaeidyn had this big year-end assembly that she really wanted me to go to. It was a lot of fun, though I think I’ve decided that they boys need to stay home on days like that. The principal ended up asking me to take Carter outside because he was being too loud. Luckily my Mom was there, so she took Carter outside so that I could enjoy the rest of the assembly. And I did. She was very cute and I love listening to her sing.

I’m so much like my Mom that way. I always hated it growing up. But the second any of the kids starts to sing, I automatically tear up. I just always find it to be so adorable and it makes my heart feel good. I played guitar and sang during all of my pregnancies, and when they were babies, I would play guitar and let them sit with me. It means a lot to me that they are musical, just like their Mom.

Then I went into work, and it was just crazy busy. Not because it actually is crazy busy, but because we’re currently short on cleaners and when that happens, it feels like it’s hectic and like everything is a huge rush. The good thing is, I’m pretty good at prioritizing and keeping level-headed AT WORK – because I suck at it at home…

The biggest part of my stresses today is talking to my Mom. She tends to be my continual reality slap to the face. And while that’s one of the biggest things that I appreciate about her, in the moment of the slap, it’s hard for me to remember that I really appreciate it and instead it just brings me down. It doesn’t help that at the time I see it as her adding more things to my already full plate. I know she does it for my own good, and like she said today, I’ve “had to go through worse”, it just sucks.

I have so much to do, and so little desire/time to do it with/in, and it just feels like it’s way more than it actually is. I hate how the household and family stress -things like finances, discipline, school, babysitters, cleaning, things that need to be bought – tend to build up over a few weeks and you feel like you can handle it because you have time. Then it gets to the day when you feel like it’s overwhelming and all that building up hits like a ton of bricks. And it makes that one bad day carry on over multiple days and just as you feel like everything is back on track and “normal” again, it starts to build up again. It makes it more exhausting than anything. I have no idea if any of that made any sense…

I have a ton of phone calls to make. Originally I was supposed to make them tomorrow, but I’m probably going to have to work all day tomorrow, so I’ll have to make them on Monday. It’s not even really a ton, it just feels that way because it’s things I don’t want to deal with. That I have a lot of anger about having to deal with it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and Alfie, because things aren’t so good in that department. I don’t want to go into full out details, because I’m still trying to figure out what parts of it are my true feelings and which ones are the parts that are leftover hurt and anger. It’s extremely complicated and even harder to explain. I’m still in, what I’m sure is called, the healing process. And it’s a horrible time for me to have to make important decisions regarding my kids and their Dad. Because it’s just a mixture of all types of negative emotions that I’m still working on coming to terms with. I don’t want to be the type of parent who lets my own emotions negatively impact my kids relationship with their other parent. I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or no he’s a good Dad and whether or not he’s worthy of them. But they are not old enough for that. They are still learning what is right and wrong, and unfortunately I’m still trying to define that for myself and therefore, for them.

It’s such a complicated thing. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there… Like I said, it’s been an overwhelming and stressful day. I am so lucky to have The Boyfriend though, and I’ve really been shown that this past week. Today was absolutely the best, because he knew that I was beyond stressed almost the minute I walked through the door and he sat there so nicely and just listened to me ramble on and on about all the stress. When I was done, he offered his two cents and let me ramble on and on about his two cents and he was so calm and patient and understanding. I’m just really lucky to have a guy that listens to me.

During my stressed-out-rant, I kept saying, “I wish I could just figure out one thing that was a good de-stressor” and after venting to him, I realized he is my de-stressor. He just makes me feel good and I’ve never felt like I needed to question whether he loved me or not, and that’s a very powerful thing for me. I just really love that guy!

So, how has your week been? Any big stressors on your end? How have you dealt with your stress? Did you try any new stress techniques recently? Let’s do a poll about stress, shall we?