The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Cannot Stop Listening to This Song…

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For some reason lately, I’ve been more and more into watching YouTube videos and recently, I came across this cover and I cannot stop listening to it. I’ve heard multiple covers of this song and the original, but this one just keeps sticking with. I want my voice and guitar playing to sound like this!!!

Thinkin Bout You (Acoustic/Beatbox Cover) –

Tori Kelly & Angie Girl


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Musing


I so desperately want to upload videos to my YouTube channel, like terribly badly, but I seriously suck at this piano thing. Every single time I play, in the moment, I’m like “Oh yeah, this is my jam!” and then I listen back to it and it just sounds like utter crap!!

I sat in front of my computer for the last 2 1/2 hours, rocking out with my Casio. And I sucked…

I want to put something on  YouTube for everyone and I just can’t bring myself to let anyone witness this crap. I even have a slight issue with The Boyfriend listening again, since I made him suffer the first time around…

And man oh man, how does he do it?!? I would be so annoyed by listening to all these songs slowed down and butchered and just tortured and beaten black and blue. I miss my freaking guitar!!!!!

See, the issue is that I’m too old to learn this stuff by myself now. And while I know that that’s a lie, if I really dedicated myself to it I could learn this freaking instrument, I just can’t bring myself to get any better. I’ve been practicing every once and awhile and every time I think I’m starting to get the hang of something, it just slaps me in the face every time I watch these videos.

I figured it wouldn’t sting so much if I waited a longer period in between when I played and when I watched the video, and it doesn’t. Simply, for an absolute matter of fact, I am just better with wind instruments like the bassoon and stringed instruments like the guitar and I’m pissed that I don’t have either of those things…

I miss my guitar…

P.S. If you didn’t know, the title to this post, “Musing” is an homage to my most beloved guitar, she was a beauty and the story behind her is a little romantic. You wanna hear it?

Okay, for those of you who stuck around.

The Boyfriend and I had been dating a few months when my birthday rolled around. He insisted that I get a babysitter on the day and told me we were going for a ride. He begins driving through the industrial area of town and I’m getting more and more confused as to where we’re going and why we’re in this part of town. He pulls up to a building and all I see is a sign about something to do with audio, that’s it.

As he pulls open the door, I am greeted by a wall of guitars. Electrics, acoustics, steel and my jaw drops. He puts his hand on my neck (like we did when we were out in public back then) and tells me, “Pick one” – total Cinderella moment. We spent hours there, me trying to find the perfect sound, him trying to act interested. When I picked up my Muse, I knew she was the one.

I can’t even remember what kind of guitar it was, except that it was an electric/acoustic. But she was beautiful and as soon as I got her home, I was writing songs. I wrote a good deal of songs on my Muse – of course, none of which I can remember. And then…

I did not take good enough care of her. If I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve created an untouchable shrine for her. Alas, I left her where the kids could touch her and slowly over time, she broke. It took me years to finally throw her in the garbage and I’m sure I cried the day that I did…


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Not a Whole Heck of a lot New…


Not a whole heck of a lot going on around here lately. I’ve been hard at work on the re-design of Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, which is going okay I guess. I don’t want to add too much to the site before the re-design because that’s more work for me once it comes time. I’m hoping we’ll upgrade the site in November and then shut it down for the re-design in December and relaunch in January. That’s the plan as it stands so far.

The cool thing about the upgrade and re-design is that I’ll finally have a chatroom on the site and we’ll even offer video uploading, which I’ve wanted on the site for a long time. I’ll also finally be free of the limit on the number of members that can join – not that that really matters, because the 50 members that I currently have on there are almost never participating. It seems to pick up every once and awhile and then they all disappear and you don’t hear from them forever. I need to figure out how to change that…

I’ve also been playing a lot of my electric keyboards lately. I swear I’m never going to get the hang of this… I seem to have the basics down, but going any further than that seems like it’s physically impossible. I think I’m just not made for electric keyboards. I’m made for the guitar! One day, I’ll get a new one, but right now, it’s just really not in the budget.

The biggest thing that I’m noticing, besides the fact that I can only play something so stupidly simple with my left hand, is that my rhythm seems to get a little screwed up no matter how well I know the song. I either start off too slow or too fast and then have to adjust later on in the song. However, I am learning a lot of songs that I wouldn’t typically learn on the guitar. The Boyfriend has also gotten more involved in picking which songs I should learn next, so that’s been really fun.

In other news, everyone is still battling this cold. It almost feels like we’ll never be healthy again… I’m blaming it on the weather we’re having. It isn’t exactly bad weather, but it’s the season change. It also seems like once one of us begins getting over the cold, someone else gets it really bad, and then we’re all back to sick. It’s taking a toll on everything!

So that’s pretty much we’re doing around here. Anyone got any awesome plans for Halloween?


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Ramblings…


Today has been an overwhelming and stressful day. It started when I woke up this morning. I had forgotten that I didn’t work until after noon today because Kaeidyn had her assembly, so when the alarm went off, I was sure that it was going to be another morning of rushing around to get everyone ready to go. I come running up the stairs, sure that I’m going to be pressed for time, when I realized that today wasn’t the day.

Then, I went into work late today because Kaeidyn had this big year-end assembly that she really wanted me to go to. It was a lot of fun, though I think I’ve decided that they boys need to stay home on days like that. The principal ended up asking me to take Carter outside because he was being too loud. Luckily my Mom was there, so she took Carter outside so that I could enjoy the rest of the assembly. And I did. She was very cute and I love listening to her sing.

I’m so much like my Mom that way. I always hated it growing up. But the second any of the kids starts to sing, I automatically tear up. I just always find it to be so adorable and it makes my heart feel good. I played guitar and sang during all of my pregnancies, and when they were babies, I would play guitar and let them sit with me. It means a lot to me that they are musical, just like their Mom.

Then I went into work, and it was just crazy busy. Not because it actually is crazy busy, but because we’re currently short on cleaners and when that happens, it feels like it’s hectic and like everything is a huge rush. The good thing is, I’m pretty good at prioritizing and keeping level-headed AT WORK – because I suck at it at home…

The biggest part of my stresses today is talking to my Mom. She tends to be my continual reality slap to the face. And while that’s one of the biggest things that I appreciate about her, in the moment of the slap, it’s hard for me to remember that I really appreciate it and instead it just brings me down. It doesn’t help that at the time I see it as her adding more things to my already full plate. I know she does it for my own good, and like she said today, I’ve “had to go through worse”, it just sucks.

I have so much to do, and so little desire/time to do it with/in, and it just feels like it’s way more than it actually is. I hate how the household and family stress -things like finances, discipline, school, babysitters, cleaning, things that need to be bought – tend to build up over a few weeks and you feel like you can handle it because you have time. Then it gets to the day when you feel like it’s overwhelming and all that building up hits like a ton of bricks. And it makes that one bad day carry on over multiple days and just as you feel like everything is back on track and “normal” again, it starts to build up again. It makes it more exhausting than anything. I have no idea if any of that made any sense…

I have a ton of phone calls to make. Originally I was supposed to make them tomorrow, but I’m probably going to have to work all day tomorrow, so I’ll have to make them on Monday. It’s not even really a ton, it just feels that way because it’s things I don’t want to deal with. That I have a lot of anger about having to deal with it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and Alfie, because things aren’t so good in that department. I don’t want to go into full out details, because I’m still trying to figure out what parts of it are my true feelings and which ones are the parts that are leftover hurt and anger. It’s extremely complicated and even harder to explain. I’m still in, what I’m sure is called, the healing process. And it’s a horrible time for me to have to make important decisions regarding my kids and their Dad. Because it’s just a mixture of all types of negative emotions that I’m still working on coming to terms with. I don’t want to be the type of parent who lets my own emotions negatively impact my kids relationship with their other parent. I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or no he’s a good Dad and whether or not he’s worthy of them. But they are not old enough for that. They are still learning what is right and wrong, and unfortunately I’m still trying to define that for myself and therefore, for them.

It’s such a complicated thing. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there… Like I said, it’s been an overwhelming and stressful day. I am so lucky to have The Boyfriend though, and I’ve really been shown that this past week. Today was absolutely the best, because he knew that I was beyond stressed almost the minute I walked through the door and he sat there so nicely and just listened to me ramble on and on about all the stress. When I was done, he offered his two cents and let me ramble on and on about his two cents and he was so calm and patient and understanding. I’m just really lucky to have a guy that listens to me.

During my stressed-out-rant, I kept saying, “I wish I could just figure out one thing that was a good de-stressor” and after venting to him, I realized he is my de-stressor. He just makes me feel good and I’ve never felt like I needed to question whether he loved me or not, and that’s a very powerful thing for me. I just really love that guy!

So, how has your week been? Any big stressors on your end? How have you dealt with your stress? Did you try any new stress techniques recently? Let’s do a poll about stress, shall we?