The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Feeling So I Don’t Know…


I woke up this morning, feeling pretty darn good. It was relatively easy to get up before noon (seems like it’s always easier when The Boyfriend is home from work), I spent the first few hours playing a new game that The Boyfriend got for the computer – Star Trek Online and let me say one thing, addictive!! After spending too many hours on it last night, the first thing I wanted to do today was play it again.

Then, after playing for a couple hours today, I got up and did some dishes and light cleaning, which made me feel really great. I’ve done a load of dishes every single day this week and I feel mighty good about it. I even discovered that I can have Grooveshark playing on my BlackBerry, so even had tunes playing out in the kitchen while the kids quietly sat and watched SpongeBob. It was wonderful.

Out of nowhere, I start feeling annoyed and frustrated. The kids are all being relatively decent. Sure, there’s always points of this kid being more frustrating at this time than any other, but for the most part, it was all manageable and fine. Kaeidyn and I started watching a movie together, the boys were doing their thing and yet, I just could not shake this annoyed and frustrated feeling.

I figured watching a couple movies would get me over it, but if anything, it seems like it’s just made it worse. The Boyfriend suggested I try the computer and see if that brightens my mood any, so, here we sit…

I can’t figure out, for the life of me, why I feel so frustrated and annoyed right now. I’m accomplishing tons, I’m really enjoying this time off from dealing with school stuff, The Boyfriend and I are starting to get interested in each other’s stuff again (we go in and out of enjoying one another’s hobbies), so we’re talking lots and generally having a lot of fun with each other. Money’s a little tight, but we expected that coming into January (like it goes every year), so it’s not like we’re stressing about anything at this point. And even with all those positive little factoids staring right at me, in type and everything, I just can’t stop these all-consuming feelings.

I start blogging everyday on the 1st. I’m incredibly excited about it and also a little nervous. Maybe that’s part of what’s got my goat, who knows. I’m mostly nervous about it because I’ve gotten more and more likely to stop writing a post right in the middle when I start thinking that it sucks and then never returning to it to make it better. My drafts folder is literally boggled down with posts that are 5 or 6 sentences long, that I just leave there…

But I miss feeling that creativity and inspiration that I feel when I write on a regular basis. When I had a paper and pen journal, I had no problem checking in on it multiple times a day with numerous little writings here and there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t care if it was only 6 sentences long and sucked, so maybe I’ll just adopt that for this challenge. We’ll see how it goes…

I’m also probably feeling a little bit stressed because of my brother, who is yet again, crazy. I mean, there’s really no other way to put it. He was doing so darn good, then this roommate moved in and now all hell has broken loose. My Mom has said she’s done, and I can’t blame her at all. But now that she’s gotten mad at him so many times (and he’s too scared to go over there, just like he’s too scared to go back to his own house), he just comes over here all the time. And even though Mom and I set up a different place for him to stay, with more people who he likes, he still insists on spending what seems like every second of his spare time here.

It’s tough because you can only ask so many times for him to stop talking to himself or so many times for him to stop leaving random crap that he finds all over the house, before you just start feeling an immense amount of anger. It just feels like he has absolutely no respect. And I know that’s not really what it’s like but sometimes it’s hard to forget about your feelings and feel compassion. But it’s also hard to feel any compassion towards a person when they could be doing something to get help (for a problem they are aware that they have nonetheless), and are downright refusing to do so. And I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t get help…

So, that’s where I’m at. Still feeling the same way I did before I started to right this. Hopefully cuddles with The Boyfriend tonight will help 😉


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What I’m Listening To…


It seems like every single week, I’m listening to a new style of music. It starts with one band, and then some searching and then next thing you know, I’ve got an entirely huge playlist to listen to of a completely new genre. First of all, I’ve been incredibly obsessed with fun. a lot. I’ve been listening to it, trying to learn some stuff on keyboards and just becoming generally obsessed. I just love the sound of it and the voice and the harmonies and everything about the music, just really gets my blood flowing.

So, the other night, I did some looking for Similar Artists on last.fm and I found a lot that I had already known about and a few, which I’m most impressed with, that I had never heard of before. It’s resulted in the same type of music playing over and over again for days now. I just can’t get enough of this indie/pop-punk/folk-y type of music. I don’t even know what to call it.

Let’s go through some of the stuff that’s absolutely topping my list right now:

  • Rivers and Roads
    The Head and The Heart
  • All of the Drugs
    The Brobecks
  • Lakes of Pontchartrain
    The Be Good Tanyas
  • Girl U Want
    Freelance Whales
  • Weeping Willow
    The Hush Sound
  • One Foot
    fun.

And when I haven’t been listening to the indie/pop-punk/folk-y type of music, I’ve been listening to nothing but dubstep. I don’t know what it is about dubstep that has me so in love with it. Maybe it’s because it’s a type of music that you can’t help but feel in every bone and every muscle and even the tiniest of ligaments. Maybe it’s because no matter how quiet you have your stereo, the bass throbs beneath your seat. Maybe it’s any number of things.

The kids even like dubstep, which I’m always surprised by, especially Kaeidyn – who normally chooses whatever is popular with the other kids at school. Like Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepsen. But, I was smart and discovered a whole bunch of Transformers-esque songs, and now they’re all obsessed.

  • My Name is Skrillex
    Skrillex
    The kids absolutely love this song. They often replace the Skrillex with their own name or Optimus for Optimus Prime 😉
  • Optimus Prime
    DaggaAgain, the kids love this one. They all scream “Transformers”, almost as soon as this song starts…
  • For Sex
    Mt. EdenI don’t know if this is actually what any of these songs are called, but that’s what they are called on my Grooveshark playlist…
  • Transformers (Skrillex Remix)
    SkrillexAnother one that the kids go nuts over. I swear they know it’s Skrillex too!
  • Internet Connection
    Flux PavilionThis song just always gets me. The second it comes on, I swear my inner self wants to become a pop and locker desperately.

So, that’s some of the awesome stuff we’ve been listening to this last week or so. What’s been on your coming-into-the-New-Year, playlist?


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Tonight’s Playlist


Sometimes, I’m just really impressed with the flow of my playlists. I like listening to what I’ve got and I thought to myself, “I can’t believe I’ve NEVER written a post like this…”, and so here we are! I’m always bragging about my varied musical tastes and how I can’t say I have a favorite “style” because I seriously love listening to EVERYTHING!

Yes, there are songs or artists that I’m not particularly fond of, but you’ll never hear me ask you to change a song, and I always try to pick out the positive in something. This results in some pretty interesting variations in a playlist, but tonight’s has stuck to a general type of course and I’m enjoying my listening experience.

So thanks to Grooveshark, I’m here tonight, listening to some really great music, which started with The Boyfriend’s suggestion of one of his favorite bands, Great Big Sea. I’m not going to list off every song on the playlist, but I will list off the artist’s and the songs that I think you really need to hear.

  1. Great Big Sea
    • The Chemical Worker’s Song
    • Consequence Free
    • Ordinary Day
  2. Crash Test Dummies
    • Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm
    • Mary Moon
    • The Ballad of Peter Pumpkin Head
    • Superman
  3. The Counting Crows
    • Round Here
    • A Long December
    • Big Yellow Taxi
  4. The Trews
    • Tired of Waiting
    • Paranoid Freak
    • Man of Two Minds
    • Poor Ol’ Broken Hearted Me
  5. Fleetwood Mac
    • Dreams
    • Never Going Back Again
  6. The Be Good Tanyas
    • Human Thing
    • Lakes of Pontchartrain
    • In Spite of all the Damage
  7. The Wailin’ Jennys
    • Long Time Traveler
    • Saucy Sailor
    • Deeper Well
    • Cherry Blossom Love
    • The Parting Glass (known to me as “The song I’m going to play at my funeral… It’s decided!”)
  8. The Presidents of the United States of America
    • Kitty
    • Lump
    • Dune Buggy
  9. 4 Non Blondes
    • What’s Up

So there’s what I’m listening to tonight. What are you listening to? No really, I want to know, I’m running out of new and interesting music!