The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Noisy


This morning was one of the best, when all the kids woke up early this morning and I was not in anyway wanting to get out of the bed. The Boyfriend, who hasn’t done this in awhile, got up with them and kept them quiet so that I could sleep in. It was definitely nice and very much appreciated, even though I still feel absolutely exhausted.

I’ve been awake for about two hours now and I feel like I’ve already had a very long day. First, I turn on music and jump on Facebook and I just have so much different varying opinions on there that I leave Facebook feeling incredibly confused. I mean, we’ve got pictures with the galaxy and one little spec on it, “You are here. So don’t worry so much” kind of thing and then we’ve got another picture two seconds later, saying something about how Armageddon is coming and we need to be worried and that’s just blaring. It’s about everything on there too, not just the end of the world kind of stuff. Relationships, politics, religion, cultures. And it’s so much freaking noise.

Then, I jump over to Twitter and see all these people who are my idols (in an online sense) and I start clicking links and begin thinking that everything about my online stuff needs to change, and that just makes me angry. It’s like losing weight for me. I know what it’s going to take to get there, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It makes me wonder how serious I am about it and then I spend so much of my day stressing out about it.

Man, am I ever rambling today… I just have a lot of stuff on my mind. And I still have to get the oomph up to clean today… Blargh!!


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She’s a Maniac, Maniac


Tonight’s project: The kids are making me file folders for their school stuff. Each of them gets a file to color and all their paperwork for the school year will go into it. Carter’s making one too, even though he’s not going to school, but I imagine him and I will get creative and figure something out to put in it. It’s kind of the first craft that they’re doing with me. Normally, they do it at Mom’s house and it stays there. Brilliant idea I might say!

Today was supposed to be a day full of cleaning for me but I didn’t do nearly as much as I had hoped because the kids were completely out of control today. They’re so excited about going back to school and the birthdays that are upcoming, that it’s utter chaos around here. No one’s listening, they’re all being incredibly loud and argumentative and the boys’ are constantly having power trips and play housing too roughly. If someone’s not crying, they’re screaming and if they’re not screaming, they’re making one of a million other sounds that make the inside of your brain tingle.

I did get some cleaning done and even made the kids do more cleaning today than they’ve had to in awhile. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as much of a fight as it normally is. The only one of the kids that I trust at all to do dishes and not make an epic mess and actually get the dishes cleaned to at least 75% of my standard, above and beyond The Boyfriend, is Kaeidyn. I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my dishes and often find flaws in other people’s cleanliness standard (including those who say they have a standard), and she’s the only one that makes the grade, so far. But, she started losing interest in doing the dishes and didn’t like that it was always her chore. Then Kenzie started asking to do the dishes and almost like magic, she decided she wanted to do the dishes today.

And Kenzie, who is normally the biggest pain in the butt to really get cleaning, got in trouble for doing something and was sentenced to cleaning the downstairs bathroom floor. We had just recently gotten a Swiffer Sweeper Vac, so the kids were all wanting to try it. Needless to say, there was no fighting about cleaning the bathroom floor. And because the Swiffer doesn’t do as great of a job as I’d like it to, I made him sweep it with the broom first. Now though, I have to charge the Swiffer, so can’t finish the big clean I was planning for anyways…

Not that a big majority hasn’t already or isn’t getting done today. After the kids are done their project, their going to bed and then The Boyfriend and I will spend sometime cleaning up whatever’s left. Again luckily, he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so keeping him up late isn’t a huge deal. Hopefully that means that after the stressful day that I’ve had today and after the sweaty cleaning of the night, we’ll get to spend some adult alone time together, which will be wonderful.

But for now, I’m going to sit back and eat some ice cream, maybe color a folder of my own and then commence the night-time cleaning marathon. Goodnight!


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Lots of School Stuff


I don’t remember if I said this last year or not, but I freaking hate back-to-school. On the one hand, I’m incredibly excited about it. I’ll only have 1 kid at home all day, every day. I’ll get time alone and I have so many plans for that time that I get alone now. On the other hand, it’s just a huge deal of stress.

We went school supply shopping today… Almost $300 later and no new school outfits for anyone this year. Maybe next payday they’ll get a new outfit, but right now, it’s just not going to happen. And the worst part, we didn’t find everything that we needed. They were either sold out or we just got fed up looking. It was so confusing and you don’t want to buy the wrong thing or the more expensive thing or the thing that’s never going to get used or any other number of variables, plus the kids are all up in your calculating business, so you’re distracted and adding and reading and it’s a lot on the brain all at once…

I hate back-to-school!

In other school-related news, though this part is less hated, we went for Keirnan’s kindergarten orientation and speech therapy assessment today. He’ll be going to school with The Boyfriend’s cousins kid, so that’s really really exciting. It’ll be the first year that we’ll actually kind of know someone that the kids are going to school with and while we don’t know them very well as of yet, this could be the year that changes that all. Who knows!

Keirnan did great with meeting his teacher and his speech assessment went good, though there were quite a few problems. It’s amazing how many of those things you don’t notice unless you’re having them pointed out to you. I remember with Kaeidyn, when she started speech therapy in kindergarten, they had noticed that she was saying her “sh” sounds wrong and I never had. With Keirnan, it turns out he’s saying a lot more sounds as other sounds than I had originally thought. It’s not all bad and I’m sure working with a therapist is going to help in ways that I simply couldn’t.

I’m pretty excited for the kids to be back in school, to tell you the honest truth. I’m excited to sit and do homework with them, since we neglected it so much in previous years. I’m excited to get involved at school, even if it’s just a little bit and more socially than anything else. I’m excited to walk them to school everyday, especially being that there are beautiful yards, cars and field/play areas surrounding us. I’m so excited to walk them to school everyday that I even went and bought new shoes specifically for it.

I think what I’m most excited about though, is finally beginning to establish some sort of routine. I’m looking forward to getting up at the same time of day everyday and I’m looking forward to thinking more about school lunches and I can’t wait for my alone time, where I plan to spend my time keeping my house clean and working towards a 45 pound lighter me. I’m just really looking forward to the end of this year (this horrible, crappy and absolutely wasted year…) and the beginning of the next one, which I’m hoping will be better, a lot better!

I still hate back-to-school though… *smiles*

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉


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I Hate Weekends!!


Okay, I’m lying. For the most part, I love weekends. But today, I hate weekends. It’s amazing how fast a person will forget how hard labor is, but it’s even more amazing how easy and fast I forget how hard doing these 4 kids alone is. It’s only been a couple weeks since I did a day alone with them, but today was intense!

I woke up and felt like I had already been angry with them for hours. The Boyfriend was all pouty last night thinking about me getting to sleep in this morning and I’m happy and mad to report that that definitely didn’t happen. Actually, I was up almost a whole 20 minutes earlier than I normally wake up on work days… Then it was nothing but a rough day.

I watched a couple movies today that made me bawl my eyes out. It was kind of nice, because normally if The Boyfriend’s around, I just tear up, no actual crying. And it’s not because I hold back or anything like that, it just doesn’t happen. But when he’s not around, I seem to bawl like a baby the second a movie gets even slightly emotional.

The other night, we watched Marley & Me with the kids and while I teared up during the movie, not a single tear. Kaeidyn on the other hand broke down and could not stop crying. It started with a single tear and as soon as the credits hit, she sat up, cuddled in really close and had a really great cry about how she didn’t like when Marley died and how she didn’t want it to happen to Grandma’s dog.

The Boyfriend and I have been working on getting the kitchen clean since we went for a good grocery shop last night. I finally got the dishes done, and there surprising wasn’t as many as I had originally thought, so that made me much happier. It’s also a relief when getting The Boyfriend to help is absolutely no problem – not that it normally is a problem, he’s typically very good for just doing whatever it is I tell him, but yesterday made it much easier for me to get up off my butt. Now if only we could keep it clean. Here’s hoping!

I’ve been working really hard on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous-related stuff the last couple of days. You’ll notice at the top of the sidebar a link to download my special report on 10 Ways to Generate Blog Post Ideas for Sex & Adult Bloggers which I wrote for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve also been working extra hard on writing up draft posts for the new Updates from the Head Blog-A-Holic, which brings you the latest and greatest updates from Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. You can check it out, right now it’s just pages, but I’ll definitely let you know when it launches, which will be really soon!

The Boyfriend and I agreed today that no matter what, by this summer we’re upgrading the site. I’m looking forward to finally being able to utilize a lot of the features that I haven’t been able to to really make this site what I want it to be. I’m excited for the whole thing. And hopefully with the increased member capacity, more people will join and participate! Seriously getting sick of talking to myself so much…

Well, I guess that’s essentially my update for the day. How’s your week been going? Anybody watching any really great movies on Netflix that I should know about? I’m always looking for suggestions!


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I’ve Been Mean…


To my Facebook Fan Page that is…

I just realized today that I haven’t even been on there in a few weeks. The Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Fan Page, I’ve visited every day this week and updated it a couple times, but my personal fan page has been left untouched since December!! Not very happy with this little detail.

My big plan was that I was going to post all my around-the-web activity to this page and I’m apparently doing an incredibly shitty job! I’m a little disappointed, but not very surprised. But it’s officially a goal now to reverse that! It’s almost retarded how many online-related goals I have at the moment.

From upping the ante on most of my social networks, the large focuses being Facebook, Twitter and Google+, to expanding and upgrading Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous to blogging more often here on The Rantings, I’ve got my blog-a-holic hands full! It’s quite exciting and I love that when I sit in front of my computer, I’m inspired and motivated and flowing with creative juices. It’s exciting and I feel really good about this year in blogging.

I’d really like to see my Facebook Fan Page become some sort of useful resource for the stuff that I find interesting as well as a hubspot for updates on all the things I’m working on around-the-web, such as blog posts from everywhere, forums I’m participating in, pictures I’m sharing and tons more. So if you haven’t become a fan yet, head on over and check it out, and be prepared for much more activity in the coming weeks.

In other news…

The Boyfriend and I are still technically fighting over the cellphone incident, though you’d probably never be able to tell. I finally confronted him about the whole issue, which backfired miserably. My heart was racing so hard as I said, “So, how long are we going to avoid this conversation?”, to which he snickered. I went from smiling and half-joking to being completely serious all because of that little snicker.

I asked straight out what he was deleting off his phone. “A Strip Poker App”, huge sigh of relief from me. That was until I started thinking about it a lot more, especially after his reaction to the entire conversation last night, and now I’m convinced a strip poker app is his own coded version of something much worse, because why the hell would you try to hide that?!? I kept saying essentially the same things over and over again in my little rant to him. It’s not the app I’m upset about, it’s the hiding of the app, the awkward weekend because of being too chicken shit to talk about it.

The situation could’ve been handled so differently. Instead of deleting it, he could’ve shown me it shortly after he downloaded it in more of a joking matter, one that I couldn’t get mad at. “Look at this funny app I just downloaded?”. I probably would’ve laughed about it, I probably would’ve asked to play, and there’s only a slim chance that I would actually get mad about it. It’s not like you can consider something like that to be porn exactly. You don’t have to work that hard for porn, there’s no having to know how to play poker to watch porn!!

Instead he made it seem like a dirty, shameful secret and that’s the whole issue that I have with it. There are a hundred people who will tell you that I’m the most sexually-accepting person in the world! I don’t understand why it’s so hard for boyfriends to respect that and just share that part of their sexuality with me. I’m not saying that I want to be there every time they watch porn, though I think it would be a lot more fun if I was, I’d at least like for it to be treated like it’s normal. I’d like when I found out, they didn’t lie and honestly, I would love if a guy was just honest about it from the very get go. “Oh hey, by the way, I watched some porn earlier today. Just thought you should know!”.

I’m not saying that would solve the whole issue, but it would help. I wouldn’t feel like they were sneaking around behind my back to do something that they know is going to upset me. That just feels vindictive and mean. Anyways, the conversation ended with me saying what I needed to say about the situation, which is basically all of what I just said, and then… It was silence for the rest of the night. I rolled over to my side of the bed, he rolled over to his, we didn’t say a single thing to each other and each of us fell asleep. I was completely convinced that he musn’t have heard anything I said, and today, I’m pretty sure that’s true.

I spent all day at work today, beyond angry at him. It was a boring day at work, so I sat with my notebook writing non-stop about the situation. Somewhere around the 3rd or 4th entry, I started thinking that breaking up was a really great option – all over a stupid cellphone app! I seriously considered “grounding” him off his cellphone to teach him a lesson, then it changed to every electronic device unless I was present and by the time I left work, all I could think about was my anger towards him. It had consumed me completely.

Then, yet again, the same as the last time we fought, I decided I wasn’t enjoying the awkwardness of the whole situation, so guess whose given in like a bitch? That’s right, I have. I even said to him, “I was planning on being so much meaner to you today…”. I hate that he’s completely the one in the wrong in this situation and I feel like I’m apologizing. And last night after I voiced my opinion, I felt like I was the one being punished for my actions. I just don’t get it…


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Reflections on a Year and Looking Into the Future


This year started off worse than it finished, and it’s had a wide range of ups and downs. I failed almost every single goal that I had set out to do in 2011. I didn’t blog more this year, I didn’t keep up with adding YouTube videos, I didn’t lose 30 pounds, I didn’t get my house or life clean or organized… In that respect, it was an epic fail.

But, I did catch up on all my bills, I did get my hot water turned back on, I did get my Mom paid for babysitting the kids and I got a raise at work. So for all the epic failure of this year, there has also been some really great accomplishments. This year has been one of great transitions and learning. Learning about what I want, who I am, what I expect and where I want to be.

Both The Boyfriend and I have had some big changes go on at work this year, which we’re still trying to decide if they’re for the best or the worst. I guess we’ll see what 2012 brings. For me, I changed offices, got a new boss, got a ton more responsiblity and started working longer hours. For The Boyfriend, he got a really big promotion with a significant raise, he’s had to adjust to a new boss, new responsibility and a schedule that is all over the place. It’s been interesting to say the least and I think we’re both looking forward to and dreading the new career possibilities.

Now, it’s 2012 and I want this year to be a great year from start to end. I want to complete all my goals, I want to get our lives organized and on track to some sort of destination, and I want us all to be happy. I have very high hopes that this year is our year. And also that the world doesn’t come to an end *crosses fingers*!

This year, unlike last year, I plan to seriously focus on losing some weight, becoming more healthy, and getting my house organized. Those are the top three goals. So, let’s talk about how I plan to achieve these goals.

  1. Wake Up Earlier

    There is no reason at all that I can’t wake up when The Boyfriend gets out of bed. If he can get up at 6:00 AM, then there is no excuse for me not getting up at that time too. It’s only an hour and a little bit before it’s my normal wake up time, and it would be a lot nicer to get out of bed and not have to rush around to get the 4 kids and I ready to leave the house.

    Waking up at 6 will also give me the additional time that if I want to add a workout in the morning, it wouldn’t be impossible. It would be really nice to go back to doing morning workouts like I did before my first boyfriend. It would also give me the time to make a healthy breakfast every morning, which brings us to…

  2. Eat Breakfast Every Day

    By far, this has got to be one of the hardest things in the world for me, next to drinking water… I have never really been a breakfast-type person. I normally don’t get hungry until right around 11:00 AM. But this needs to change for a variety of reasons. First of all, from a metabolic stand point, if I don’t eat breakfast, my body is just going to continue doing what it’s been doing since I had Carter. I’m not going to lose any weight by starving my body – even if I am doing it on an unconscious level! Even if it’s just a Pop-Tart or Nutrigrain bar as I’m walking out the door, any food is better than none.

  3. Drink More Water

    Currently, I hardly drink anything other than Sprite and coffee. I’ve tried adding water to my beverage list many times and normally fail miserably. I’ve never liked the taste of water and it gives me an icky feeling in my stomach. But, I’m almost sure that my body is full of all sorts of miserable toxins. The water will be good for ridding me of some of those. Also, it’s good for me on a whole, everyone says so. I don’t think it should be so hard to add more water. Which takes us to the first “cut back”…

  4. Cut Back on Sprite

    I really drink WAY too much Sprite. A 2L a day of pop isn’t healthy for anyone! It should be more of a treat than an everyday, multiple times a day occurrence.  I need to get over my addiction for pops in general. Before Sprite, it was Pepsi and that was for almost 7 years straight. Sprite’s only been about 3. That’s 10 years of my life that my biggest beverage consumption has been pop. It’s gross when you think about it…

    Last but not least:

  5. Clean Daily!

    I seriously don’t know why this one has been so hard for me to keep up with. It seems like every year, and every six months, and every 3 months, and everyday, I make this goal. I tell myself that I’m going to clean the next day, and when I don’t clean the next day, I promise myself the day after that, and it’s this never-ending vicious circle. I am happy to say that I’ve had ENOUGH!!

    My biggest goal of 2012, the number one thing that I want to accomplish, is getting my house to a state where I’m not embarrassed to have people over, and I’m not disgusted the second I walk in the door, and that I’m not stressing all day everyday about the messes of the house. I want my house clean and I want it organized.

    I know that this goal is probably going to take the longest and it’s going to be harder than losing 30 pounds. It means big changes for me, The Boyfriend and the kids and a lot of time teaching those changes to everyone. It’s going to be a big challenge, but it needs to be done. I’m sick of spending half of my morning searching for things that could easily be found if we just had a dedicated place to put it, and I’m sick of my floor being used a garbage can. I’m tired of cleaning things one day just to have them be right back where they were before I started cleaning. I’m just plain done with these messes.

    We have a few ideas of how we’re going to do this, though we’ll see how they work out. My first mission is to get the upstairs of the house clean and keep it that way. I want the dishes to be done every single day, the living room floor to be vacuumed every single night and all the garbage collected up and taken out – without fail – every day. No more procrastination, no more excuses. It gets done or this Mommy will be very angry!

There are many more goals, which I’m sure I’ll be posting over the next day or two. I know that the list is large where goals are concerned, but these 5 are a great place to start with. Have you set any goals for 2012? What are you hoping to achieve this year?