The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Wishing for Writer’s Block


As a writer, do you ever have those days where you know your writing is just plain off? It’s not bad per se, but it’s not good either. You hate every single word that you put down, and you feel like nothing you write is flowing properly. If you were to look back on it in a few days, you wouldn’t even recongize it as your own writing!

Today is being one of those days for me. And it’s always such a huge emotional undertaking for me. It’s never as simple as “Geesh, my writing isn’t that great today…”, it’s more dramatic than that. It’s the frustration of it. At least with writer’s block, you know that it’s writer’s block and eventually it will break, you just have to be patient. But when it’s this, whatever this is, your mind is swelling with ideas, but you just can’t get any of them out in a sensible way.

My mind… Full of post ideas! I have tons of them right now. But the second I start writing about any of these ideas, I just get all pissy about how much I’m not liking my writing. I don’t like that it’s taking me forever to get to a point and I hate when it feels like I’m not saying anything you couldn’t read elsewhere. I find everything to be very rambly or that I come off totally way bitchier than I actually am.

I’d rather be frustrated because I can’t come up with anything, instead of frustrated that I can’t write about what’s on my brain without over-critisizing. More issues of your average writer…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Punished…


It seems like almost all day today, I’ve been thinking about and fantasizing about punishment in an erotic sort of way… It’s gotten increasingly stronger all day and that last episode of Star Trek (Voyager, Season 3, Episode: Favorite Son) pushed it straight over the edge as a group of women bonded themselves to another male with black sashes on his wrists, eyes and mouth.

Kink in general has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I have a craving at least once a day for a spanking – it’s been so damn long since I’ve had one that I almost don’t even remember what it feels like or why I seriously enjoy it… At least twice this week alone I’ve felt angry that I’ve spent money on a flogger and a crop that never gets used…

Unfortunately, no matter how much I beg or how much I ask for it or how much we discuss it, it seems like we never ever get closer to the sort of relationship dynamic I long for. It probably wouldn’t even bother me so much if he’d just show a little tiny bit of interest.

Lately, all I’ve been able to think about is being punished. Being caned for my disobedience, or being put in the corner or not being allowed to make eye contact or something… I want us to have rules that I have to listen to or it will result in punishment, period with no exceptions. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, but we would figure out a way to make it work and be hella erotic all at the same time.

It would be so hot if say one of the rules was that I had to have some area of the house cleaned by a certain time. If I didn’t have it done by that time, then he would whisper in my ear that as soon as the kids are asleep, I will be punished for my wrong doing. Then after all the kids are asleep, wham! I get the punishment and am taught a valuable lesson about why I should listen to the rules. When you listen, you get rewards, rewards full of pleasure.

I wonder if it’s even worth it to keep dreaming of this stuff. I’ve made my vanilla bed and now I have to lie in it. Part of me feels like I should just forget about all my interests in kink, because it’s really getting me nowhere. The other part of me remembers how wonderful it was getting it for that short period of time and it’s fighting me to hold onto it… I hate feeling confused about my sexuality in this way, because I’m normally so sure, but lately, not so much. I feel like I’m so stuck in this in-between type of place, and it’s frustrating.