The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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It’s Been a Long One…


Hey, look at that, I’m posting today like I said I would. What do you know!

Today has felt like an incredibly long day. Work was horrible, Carter’s been nothing but terrible and Kenzie had his first ever migraine… For some reason it was also a day filled with “I miss my Daddy”. I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the talk about breaking up and Dad’s that’s going on in Mad Men, which they’ve been watching on and off with us.

I seem to handle those moments with Kaeidyn and Keirnan okay. Keirnan is much easier than Kaeidyn, and Kaeidyn normally has a lot of questions that I don’t feel comfortable answering, but Kenzie has never said anything prior to today. Then he gets this vicious headache (I’ve never seen him in so much pain before, I felt completely helpless) and starts bawling that he wants his Daddy and I just felt horrible. Even though, I’m not the one that’s choosing whether or not their Dad is in their life, I’m just the one that’s setting out limitations and boundaries that can’t be respected.

I always wonder what it feels like for The Boyfriend when he hears the kids talk about their Dad. I wonder if he feels hurt at all that he puts so much time and effort into having some sort of relationship with them and all they want is their Dad and not him. Or I wonder if he feels bad that he stepped into these shoes. Or I wonder if he doesn’t feel anything, to him it’s not a “thing”. He doesn’t even think twice about it. Hmm, interesting conversation for us to one day have.

Work is being really rough lately. I’m having a hard time being the type of person I like being when I’m working and I hate that. But I’m angry about a lot of things. Today, it was mostly that everything that I’ve learnt in the last year of this job is now being completely changed or thrown out altogether to adjust to one person. There is an entire group of us that has a problem with one person and we’re being completely ignored and it seems like we’re the ones suffering the most because of the problems. I know it sounds very cryptic, but it’s hard to explain what exactly the problem is without going too much into detail.

Then I come home from work, to my messy house, and these darn kids lately. Carter can’t seem to sit still for one second and if he is sitting still, the entire time is made up of this overwhelmingly annoying cry. He’s constantly getting into stuff that he shouldn’t be able to, he spends most of the evening crying or screaming and it just really wears a person down. And quiet is a concept that he absolutely does not understand. I don’t remember the other kids being this terrible when they were two…

The older kids are still mostly doing their usual thing of talking back or not listening at all. Every time I think we’re making some headway, it all just blows up in my face. I’m trying really hard to limit the amount of times I raise my voice, because I think that’s just causing more problems than it’s solving. I yell a lot more than I would like to, and it’s not some outrageous yelling or anything, just a louder than needed No or Stop when necessary. I think what I’m going to try to start doing with all of them is more explaining about why they are in trouble and more sitting and thinking about it for them. We’ve tried the whole corner-time and timeout in your bedroom and getting toys taken away and none of that seems to really work. Or even worse, it will work for a couple days and then it will seem to explode!

It’s hard right now with them at the ages they are at. Kaeidyn thinks because she’s oldest, she can take care of everyone. Which results in a lot of comments from the peanut gallery when the others are being spoken to. Kenzie is totally the obvious middle child, always thinking that everyone else gets it better than him. I don’t know how many times I used that one of my Mom! And Keirnan, while honestly, I’m more than confused about Keirnan. I just can’t seem to figure this kid out. On one hand, he’s the quietest one of the bunch. He’s not very active, he likes to play by himself more often than not, and he doesn’t talk that much and when he does it’s normally just long enough to ask for something he wants. On the other hand, he’s bossy, he’s rough, he’s very stubborn, he’s particular.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about the kids the last few days, not that what I’m learning is helping me in anyway be a better parent, at this point anyways. I think I’ve been subconsciously noticing them more, little things about them. The way Kaeidyn brushes her hair or the way Kenzie is restless without even knowing he’s being it. The way Keirnan breathes so gently while he’s sleeping and the positions that Carter stops snoring in. Today was definitely a huge learning experience as I tried to make Kenzie’s headache go away and keep the other three kids quiet… Almost a complete impossibility!

My body has been in quite a bit of pain lately. I’ve been having this pain in my shin and my knees have been driving me up the wall. I’ve been complaining about my back a lot and I wake up every morning with a sore neck (and don’t say it’s my bed or my pillow, because I’m not sure that’s the case – maybe it has something to do with the way I’m sleeping, but I don’t think it’s my bed or my pillow!). The Boyfriend and I were joking the other night about my pain, because when I first started complaining of the knee pain, doctors chalked it up to Osgood-Schlatter Disease, a sports-related injury. And then my shin starts hurting and we start joking that maybe it’s shin splints. Wouldn’t that be hilarious if my lazy ass kept getting sports-related injuries? My body must think it’s working mighty hard, when it’s really not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got for today. Did your day feel long today too?


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New Year’s Resolutions… Already?!?!?


I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions this year. Every year since I started having kids, I’ve always said that I’m going to make New Year’s Resolutions and every year, I end up not doing it until after the new year. The end of this year, although very tumultuous and crazy for me, has really been a great one. There’s been a lot of positives to this year end, the top of my list right now is that The Boyfriend got the promotion he was hoping for at work, I haven’t missed a rent payment in a few months, we have credits on all our bills, and both The Boyfriend and I finally got cellphones – which has been on our list of things to get for a really long time!

I figure if this year end is being so good to us, then there’s a very good chance that it will continue into the new year. I’m not counting any chickens before they hatch, but I just get this feeling that it’s going to be a wicked year. Albeit, I said 2011 was going to be a really great year, and that’s only been right over the last few months. I didn’t do anything that I had set out to do in 2011. But I plan for this year to be different. WAY different!

Now I do plan on posting a resolutions list, but that’s going to be happening closer to the new year. My biggest resolution this year is to begin blogging more often. I’ve been missing it more than you can imagine lately. I’m not sure where I lost that spark, or where it went to for that while there. I am determined to get it back. My goal is to blog everyday for January and if that works out, I really want to continue it. It’ll be made even easier by the fact that I can now blog from my phone while I’m at work (bored out of my skull!).

I’ve got tons of blogging-related goals and only a few real-time goals… Kind of odd 😉

In other news…

The kids have been major pains in the butts lately. Between Kaeidyn and Kenzie’s outrageous attitudes and Keirnan and Carter’s never-ending energy, there have been many days where I am just about ready to throw in the towel. Kaeidyn’s biggest issue right now is believing that the whole world is against her and everything is unfair. It’s unfair that she only gets to spend one night a week at Grandma’s, while the boys get to go there everyday to be babysat. It’s unfair that she doesn’t get her hair curled or make-up put on before school. It’s unfair that she has to wear pants when it’s cold outside because she would really rather wear a skirt. Every day it seems like we have an argument about whether or not the world is being fair to her.

Kenzie’s been talking back in the worst way possible. I have tried just about every disciplinary technique that I know of, and nothing seems to be quelching that fire. Today was probably one of the worst days in his talking back history. The boys had made a mess of the couch and I said, “Look what you’re doing?!?” and he got right up in my face and in this snobby voice replied, “Look, look!”, like some cocky teenager. I was taken aback by it, to say the least. I need to figure something out there, but most of the time, I’m just so shocked that my response time is a little weak.

I’ve been working really hard on getting certain areas of the house clean, but it seems like no matter how much work I do, by the next day it’s right back to where it was. The housework is just getting out of my hands now and most of the day I spend very frustrated by the overwhelming stress of this mess. I want to start from scratch so bad!

I can’t wait for Christmas this year! We actually got the kids some really amazing gifts and for the first time in years, we’re having a family Christmas dinner at my Mom’s. My sister and her kids and my brother will all be there. It’ll be just like the old days, in a way and I think it’ll be very nice. *crosses fingers*

Well, I think I’m done for the night. It was really great writing again. Have a great night to you all and Happy Holidays from my family to yours!


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But…


I am so ready for this month to be over. I know it just started and everything, but I wish it’d just end already. Hell, I’m ready for the next few months to be over because I just don’t want to deal with all of this crap.

So first things first, our hot water gets cut off. No big deal, most of what gets done around the house doesn’t need hot water and for the things that do, there’s always boiling pots of water on the stove. And luckily, for now, my Mom only lives a block and a half away, showers can be taken at her house.

Then, our electricity gets cut off. Again, thank goodness for my Mom (and her boyfriend…), so that we’re not sitting here in the dark without the ability to put movies on for the kids or use our stove – because the 2 1/2 days of that was pure hell!

I’m not exactly sure where and how everything financially speaking is getting so out of control. Yes, if we could quit smoking it would save us a pretty penny, eventually or something. But that’s not exactly 100% doable. When we work it out on paper and create our monthly budget, and that’s over pricing how much we spend on things like take out or how much our grocery bill is, once the money starts rolling in, it just doesn’t work.

So after we got the electricity turned back on, we thought we were going to be okayish, at least for a bit. Then the dreaded rent payment day arrived. I seriously hate this time of month, because I never have all of rent on the 1st. Well, not never. It’s happened before and I’m sure eventually it will happen again. But with the way our paydays work, it’s easier to pay half on the 1st and the other half a week later, and I’m lucky enough to have a landlord that will let that happen.

But lately, he’s been feeling some financial strain himself, so he’s on everyone’s case to start paying on time. So now, for everyday we’re late there’s a $20 late fee. I always hate that kind of stuff, because if I couldn’t afford to pay you all of your rent on time, what makes you think that I can afford to pay you $20 for every additional day that I don’t pay. It doesn’t logically make sense. But that’s the dice that has been rolled and now I have to deal with it.

Which in turn makes me so sure that we’re going to be coming up on an eviction right away… Which wouldn’t be so bad since we’re all wanting to move, but the chances of finding something in our “budget” that will allow a total of 6 people to live there is not going to be easy. Every time I think about it, it just reminds me of the constant gut-wrenching horribleness when I was looking for this place.

I don’t know how many places I called back then, but it was ALOT! It took me weeks of searching (almost an entire month), tons of tears and more than enough hope and disappointment. The second I said that I had 3 kids, 2 at home and 1 in the hospital, people automatically turned me down. I had to look for 3 bedrooms, even though I knew I could never afford a 3 bedroom. I was lucky as hell to find this place, especially when I did, because I definitely didn’t want to bring Keirnan home from the hospital to a hotel room…

So needless to say, things are stressful around here. I was supposed to go pay a portion of the rent today, but we don’t have any of it. So I have to call my landlord tomorrow and tell him that he’ll have to wait for the full amount until the 8th, when we’ll be getting a paycheck and a payday loan to pay off rent. Which just screws us over for rent next month, but it’s necessary right now. And that’s making it all the worse, because I can just see it’s going to be a long hard road financially speaking…

Then there’s all the stuff I have to do this week, and my Mom’s rushing me to get it done now, now, now. Which I understand and totally get, but while I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, adding a few more things to the list is seriously bumming me out. It’s making it so hard for me to force myself out of bed every morning, because my list just keeps getting longer and longer. When I think I’ve fixed one thing, ten more things get added. It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming and frankly, it’s just plain annoying!

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I’m really just venting, because this is fixable, or at least in some ways I believe it is. To a degree. I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to the stress, I’m not looking forward to the work, I would rather just not do it… Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

So, I threw out a few resumes this week. I really don’t want to leave my job and I’m hoping that I’ll find something that works around this job. But otherwise, I need something full-time, that’s going to earn me a full-time wage. We’re also trying to cut down on other costs, though it’s still in the very beginning stages. But things like turning off the lights when we leave a room, except the bathroom (because I can’t sleep without that light…). Even though we’ve been sucking at it, turning off the TV when both The Boyfriend and I are on our respective computers.

I’m hoping this week, we can try to at least cut down on the smoking. I wish we could just quit it cold turkey, but I honestly panic when I think about it. It’s kind of become my safety blanket. When I’m upset with the kids, I have a smoke with the hopes it will calm me down. When I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, I have a smoke. It’s not even the smoke itself that calms me down, it’s the exhaling of the smoke that calms me down. Watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I’m not ready to quit yet… I know, I know, they’re all just excuses.

I’ve also got a bunch of errands that I have to run tomorrow, which makes it a hectic Monday, which I always hate! First thing in the morning, gotta go over to Mom’s for a shower. Then the bus, then work, then quickly to the library to drop off overdue movies and then to go get the kids birth certificates so that I can get Carter on my child tax benefit. I know, I know, I should have done that a year and a half ago…

So many mistakes, so many consequences. In other news, we’ve gone to the exercise park two days in a row, and if our weather holds out, we’ll do it again tomorrow. Mainly because now with Kaeidyn being out of school, it’s very rough on me mentally to be stuck inside the house with all four of the kids all day long. It never used to be like this, but lately, it’s just been absolutely rough.

None of the kids seem to be listening lately, they are all full of questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer, they are constantly arguing with each other or using their “friends” outside to gang up on one another. They’ve all just been a little out of control. The worst part is, just when we think any of our disciplinary tactics is working, it all just goes out the window in an instant.

For example, we had a really bad day the day before yesterday. So when the kids went to bed, they were told the safety gate was going up and if they took it down they would be grounded all day. Well, when I woke up the next morning, the safety gate was down and they had gotten into the juice crystals, which they’ve decided they like to lick their fingers and then stick them in the juice and suck it off their fingers. Yuck!

Or another example, stay in the yard or you get grounded from going outside to play. So they did fine for a little bit. They played nicely in the front yard. Then the boys came in and Kaeidyn wandered off three or four houses down… Needless to say she got grounded and had a pissy attitude for the rest of the day.

But no matter what kind of punishment we’ve tried so far, it doesn’t seem to get any better. For a few moments and then WHAM! They’re right back to being bad. We think it’s mostly just boredom, hence the visits to the exercise park. Also, it’s a little bit trying to get them tuckered out enough that bed time isn’t a two hour fight.

Today’s visit to the exercise park was interesting to say the least. We knew the weather wasn’t that great, it had started to get a little windy out and the clouds were graying, but we figured we had some time to play around. Within about five minutes of being there, a huge chunk of hail falls. Then another, and then it was beating down really hard. Hurt so bad when it bounced off your ears! So we rushed home to get out of the hail/rain. Once we got inside though, wouldn’t you know the sun came out…

I still wish I could just skip this month all together and that everything falls into place while I’m skipping it. Wishful thinking I suppose. Well that was a much longer rant than I intended. If you’re still reading, I thank you!