The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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Rockin’ Out Retro-Style


I am having a really freaking fantastic day. A few days ago, we went over to Mom’s house and she ended up making us stop at a garage sale on the way there. While there, we got me the coolest thing in the whole world. I’ve been looking for something similar for many years now and just have never found a good deal. Finally got me a record player!!

So now, I’m spending the night going through all my boxes of records and listening to all these vinyls. I have to say, this record player is just about the coolest thing I’ve seen. It sounds relatively good, comes with an 8-track deck and the record player is automatic – so I just place the record in there and it starts playing it. It’s beautiful. Makes me feel all cool and retro!

Then, we finally started getting some cleaning done. We had planned to do a bunch yesterday but it ended up being a rather lazy day. I’m still fighting this cold and even though we went and walked out in the freezing cold rain of the day, I came home with tons of energy and ready to clean. Lots of laundry getting done, lots of dishes and for dinner tonight: a huge batch of spaghetti. Should be delicious.

I also, after days of complaining about it, finally found my camera. So that’s plugged in and charging up now. I also recently got nail polish which I was more than happy about. Even made The Boyfriend let me paint his toenails (because I was just in that kind of mood). And it’s nice and quiet in the house because Kenzie’s at a birthday party tonight.

The weather outside may be frightful, but in here, everything is just alright. I love it!


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Wasting My Life Cleaning…


Today is not being a good day. It started out better than I had expected, but it just seems to be slowly going downhill. I’ve had a cold for the past couple of days that has been a real bitch to everything. I’ve been way lazier than I’d like, my head has felt swollen for days on end now and I have tissue burn so bad that I feel like my top lip is on fire. But this morning, I woke up and the stuffy nose was barely noticeable and I had officially moved on to the really intense coughing that signals that this cold is almost over. I was relieved.

And when I woke up at a better hour today than I had expected, seeing as I’ve slept in way too late the past 2 days because of this cold, I was excited to see that I was up and awake and moving around before 10. We had let the cleaning slide for the days that I was sick, so there was quite a bit of that to be done and I’m not even close to done that and it’s starting to make me grumpy.

This house is too big. It took me three hours to collect the laundry from upstairs and clean the upstairs bathroom, then to wash 2 loads of dishes and wipe down all counters/surfaces in the kitchen, take down a load of laundry and start it, and then sweep and mop the living room floor while The Boyfriend cleaned all surfaces and laundry out of the living room. Three freaking hours!!

Now that would signal to you that it was really messy in here, but in fact, it really wasn’t. Laundry was the only real mess anywhere, that and the floor desperately needed to be mopped. Other than that, there really wasn’t all that much to do. On a good day, that would’ve taken The Boyfriend and I about half an hour to an hour to do, not three!! I feel like I’ve wasted an entire day…

I am just not made for this world of domestics and cleaning. It makes me more upset than it does happy. The only chore I enjoy doing at all is the dishes and I believe there’s a few different reasons for that. First one is, it’s the only one I can do and stay completely immobile. Ever the lazy house cleaner, I prefer my chores to reflect that. I don’t have to move, I don’t get breathless, I sweat only because I’m using all my elbow grease and I don’t hurt any part of my body other than my feet. Another reason is because it’s the only chore that gives me the freedom to think about things other than chores. My mind is free to wander away from the chore at hand onto other things as I stare out my window and sing ditties in my head. It’s also the only chore that none of the kids can easily get in my way with.

Yes, Carter tends to come over and stick his hands in the water a lot. And if I’m doing them when the older kids are home, they’re normally standing somewhere behind me talking or asking for something. But I’m in my impenetrable zone. They can’t walk through the pile of mess I’ve just made, they can’t insist on grabbing the broom and taking over, they can’t keep me chasing after them to get that piece of whatever away from me. They can be there, but not in my way.

I just hate cleaning and I hate how it seems so much harder than it should. I wish I could either a) be a domestic diva or b) hire someone to be it for me…


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Monday Ramblings


The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…


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Noisy


This morning was one of the best, when all the kids woke up early this morning and I was not in anyway wanting to get out of the bed. The Boyfriend, who hasn’t done this in awhile, got up with them and kept them quiet so that I could sleep in. It was definitely nice and very much appreciated, even though I still feel absolutely exhausted.

I’ve been awake for about two hours now and I feel like I’ve already had a very long day. First, I turn on music and jump on Facebook and I just have so much different varying opinions on there that I leave Facebook feeling incredibly confused. I mean, we’ve got pictures with the galaxy and one little spec on it, “You are here. So don’t worry so much” kind of thing and then we’ve got another picture two seconds later, saying something about how Armageddon is coming and we need to be worried and that’s just blaring. It’s about everything on there too, not just the end of the world kind of stuff. Relationships, politics, religion, cultures. And it’s so much freaking noise.

Then, I jump over to Twitter and see all these people who are my idols (in an online sense) and I start clicking links and begin thinking that everything about my online stuff needs to change, and that just makes me angry. It’s like losing weight for me. I know what it’s going to take to get there, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It makes me wonder how serious I am about it and then I spend so much of my day stressing out about it.

Man, am I ever rambling today… I just have a lot of stuff on my mind. And I still have to get the oomph up to clean today… Blargh!!


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She’s a Maniac, Maniac


Tonight’s project: The kids are making me file folders for their school stuff. Each of them gets a file to color and all their paperwork for the school year will go into it. Carter’s making one too, even though he’s not going to school, but I imagine him and I will get creative and figure something out to put in it. It’s kind of the first craft that they’re doing with me. Normally, they do it at Mom’s house and it stays there. Brilliant idea I might say!

Today was supposed to be a day full of cleaning for me but I didn’t do nearly as much as I had hoped because the kids were completely out of control today. They’re so excited about going back to school and the birthdays that are upcoming, that it’s utter chaos around here. No one’s listening, they’re all being incredibly loud and argumentative and the boys’ are constantly having power trips and play housing too roughly. If someone’s not crying, they’re screaming and if they’re not screaming, they’re making one of a million other sounds that make the inside of your brain tingle.

I did get some cleaning done and even made the kids do more cleaning today than they’ve had to in awhile. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as much of a fight as it normally is. The only one of the kids that I trust at all to do dishes and not make an epic mess and actually get the dishes cleaned to at least 75% of my standard, above and beyond The Boyfriend, is Kaeidyn. I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my dishes and often find flaws in other people’s cleanliness standard (including those who say they have a standard), and she’s the only one that makes the grade, so far. But, she started losing interest in doing the dishes and didn’t like that it was always her chore. Then Kenzie started asking to do the dishes and almost like magic, she decided she wanted to do the dishes today.

And Kenzie, who is normally the biggest pain in the butt to really get cleaning, got in trouble for doing something and was sentenced to cleaning the downstairs bathroom floor. We had just recently gotten a Swiffer Sweeper Vac, so the kids were all wanting to try it. Needless to say, there was no fighting about cleaning the bathroom floor. And because the Swiffer doesn’t do as great of a job as I’d like it to, I made him sweep it with the broom first. Now though, I have to charge the Swiffer, so can’t finish the big clean I was planning for anyways…

Not that a big majority hasn’t already or isn’t getting done today. After the kids are done their project, their going to bed and then The Boyfriend and I will spend sometime cleaning up whatever’s left. Again luckily, he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so keeping him up late isn’t a huge deal. Hopefully that means that after the stressful day that I’ve had today and after the sweaty cleaning of the night, we’ll get to spend some adult alone time together, which will be wonderful.

But for now, I’m going to sit back and eat some ice cream, maybe color a folder of my own and then commence the night-time cleaning marathon. Goodnight!


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Lots of School Stuff


I don’t remember if I said this last year or not, but I freaking hate back-to-school. On the one hand, I’m incredibly excited about it. I’ll only have 1 kid at home all day, every day. I’ll get time alone and I have so many plans for that time that I get alone now. On the other hand, it’s just a huge deal of stress.

We went school supply shopping today… Almost $300 later and no new school outfits for anyone this year. Maybe next payday they’ll get a new outfit, but right now, it’s just not going to happen. And the worst part, we didn’t find everything that we needed. They were either sold out or we just got fed up looking. It was so confusing and you don’t want to buy the wrong thing or the more expensive thing or the thing that’s never going to get used or any other number of variables, plus the kids are all up in your calculating business, so you’re distracted and adding and reading and it’s a lot on the brain all at once…

I hate back-to-school!

In other school-related news, though this part is less hated, we went for Keirnan’s kindergarten orientation and speech therapy assessment today. He’ll be going to school with The Boyfriend’s cousins kid, so that’s really really exciting. It’ll be the first year that we’ll actually kind of know someone that the kids are going to school with and while we don’t know them very well as of yet, this could be the year that changes that all. Who knows!

Keirnan did great with meeting his teacher and his speech assessment went good, though there were quite a few problems. It’s amazing how many of those things you don’t notice unless you’re having them pointed out to you. I remember with Kaeidyn, when she started speech therapy in kindergarten, they had noticed that she was saying her “sh” sounds wrong and I never had. With Keirnan, it turns out he’s saying a lot more sounds as other sounds than I had originally thought. It’s not all bad and I’m sure working with a therapist is going to help in ways that I simply couldn’t.

I’m pretty excited for the kids to be back in school, to tell you the honest truth. I’m excited to sit and do homework with them, since we neglected it so much in previous years. I’m excited to get involved at school, even if it’s just a little bit and more socially than anything else. I’m excited to walk them to school everyday, especially being that there are beautiful yards, cars and field/play areas surrounding us. I’m so excited to walk them to school everyday that I even went and bought new shoes specifically for it.

I think what I’m most excited about though, is finally beginning to establish some sort of routine. I’m looking forward to getting up at the same time of day everyday and I’m looking forward to thinking more about school lunches and I can’t wait for my alone time, where I plan to spend my time keeping my house clean and working towards a 45 pound lighter me. I’m just really looking forward to the end of this year (this horrible, crappy and absolutely wasted year…) and the beginning of the next one, which I’m hoping will be better, a lot better!

I still hate back-to-school though… *smiles*