The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Monday Ramblings


The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…


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Totally Unprepared


So, even though I stayed up late to make the kids’ lunches last night and made them one heck of an amazing lunch and even though I was up on time this morning and even though we got to the school early, I still went in to the first day of school feeling absolutely and completely unprepared.

Firstly, we get to the school and you have to go to the gym to find out which class your kids are in. So, we find out the teachers name and now there’s no way for us to know where these teachers are! Luckily, we found a lady who was able to direct us where we needed to go. But then we get there and they don’t bother to tell you how they want their school supplies prior to going to school, so you’re rushing around trying to get everything in a bag and labeled because you just weren’t sure the night before.

It just ended up being a huge stressful gong show that I wish could’ve been avoided. If my kids had went to that school last year, it probably would’ve been a relatively smooth morning, but I left feeling defeated and completely unprepared. I hate that! We got through it though and now Kenzie and Kaeidyn are in their classrooms with their new teachers and Keirnan goes back this afternoon!

It’s definitely a long walk to get to the school and I can’t believe that I’m going to be doing it three times a day. If I don’t lose some of this 45 pounds during this school year, I am going to be some kind of angry. All I kept saying during our walk this morning was that we need a vehicle and it seems to be pointed out to me much more lately. Once money straightens out, I am going to get my license period!

I had my learner’s back when I was 16, just never went for my road test to graduate into the next level of the program, so my license expired and I haven’t gone back and gotten one. I psyche myself out for it too much and start freaking out that I’m going to fail. I didn’t fail my first one, I actually passed and got a pretty high score and I generally pride myself on being a knowledgeable and good driver, but that was almost 10 years ago! Holy crap… I am so old!!!

And don’t even get me started on how old I am. My hair is quickly turning gray and brittle, which is causing me more stress than I ever thought it would. If my hair wasn’t so long and unhealthy already, I probably wouldn’t mind. But I feel like it just makes me look SO much older. I’m turning 26 this year (which reminds me, I need to get working on my birthday post for this year!) and I swear I look like I’m 40 and if I don’t actually look it, I definitely feel it!!

I always thought I’d enjoy getting older, right up until I had to start wearing diapers, but it is just not working out that way…


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Lots of School Stuff


I don’t remember if I said this last year or not, but I freaking hate back-to-school. On the one hand, I’m incredibly excited about it. I’ll only have 1 kid at home all day, every day. I’ll get time alone and I have so many plans for that time that I get alone now. On the other hand, it’s just a huge deal of stress.

We went school supply shopping today… Almost $300 later and no new school outfits for anyone this year. Maybe next payday they’ll get a new outfit, but right now, it’s just not going to happen. And the worst part, we didn’t find everything that we needed. They were either sold out or we just got fed up looking. It was so confusing and you don’t want to buy the wrong thing or the more expensive thing or the thing that’s never going to get used or any other number of variables, plus the kids are all up in your calculating business, so you’re distracted and adding and reading and it’s a lot on the brain all at once…

I hate back-to-school!

In other school-related news, though this part is less hated, we went for Keirnan’s kindergarten orientation and speech therapy assessment today. He’ll be going to school with The Boyfriend’s cousins kid, so that’s really really exciting. It’ll be the first year that we’ll actually kind of know someone that the kids are going to school with and while we don’t know them very well as of yet, this could be the year that changes that all. Who knows!

Keirnan did great with meeting his teacher and his speech assessment went good, though there were quite a few problems. It’s amazing how many of those things you don’t notice unless you’re having them pointed out to you. I remember with Kaeidyn, when she started speech therapy in kindergarten, they had noticed that she was saying her “sh” sounds wrong and I never had. With Keirnan, it turns out he’s saying a lot more sounds as other sounds than I had originally thought. It’s not all bad and I’m sure working with a therapist is going to help in ways that I simply couldn’t.

I’m pretty excited for the kids to be back in school, to tell you the honest truth. I’m excited to sit and do homework with them, since we neglected it so much in previous years. I’m excited to get involved at school, even if it’s just a little bit and more socially than anything else. I’m excited to walk them to school everyday, especially being that there are beautiful yards, cars and field/play areas surrounding us. I’m so excited to walk them to school everyday that I even went and bought new shoes specifically for it.

I think what I’m most excited about though, is finally beginning to establish some sort of routine. I’m looking forward to getting up at the same time of day everyday and I’m looking forward to thinking more about school lunches and I can’t wait for my alone time, where I plan to spend my time keeping my house clean and working towards a 45 pound lighter me. I’m just really looking forward to the end of this year (this horrible, crappy and absolutely wasted year…) and the beginning of the next one, which I’m hoping will be better, a lot better!

I still hate back-to-school though… *smiles*