The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Getting Crazy


I think a stress that we haven’t fully realized is beginning to consume both The Boyfriend and I. It wasn’t apparent to me, until last night when a minor storm rolled over the house and I began seriously freaking out. Not just my normal regular “I’m-scared-of-these-storms” freaking out, but to the point that I, as I was cleaning the window to better be able to see the clouds, began bawling my eyes out. I could not seem to break the pending panic attack, no matter how hard I tried.

The Boyfriend did a wonderful job of staying extra calm and saying as many calming things as he could come up with. Not that anything he was doing was working the way he had hoped it would, but he was patient and relaxed and over the next two hours the storm passed by and everything was clear and I was finally calmed.

But then, The Boyfriend came home from work today, unusually stressed out. He normally comes home flustered from crap at work, but after you let him vent about it for about 45 minutes, he usually is less stressed. Not today. He has been, apparently, stressing pretty hard about money. I think that he thinks that I’m not paying as much attention as I am on the money. I proved him wrong and eased his worries there, thank goodness!

I’ve never, in the 4 years that I’ve been with him, seen him stress about money. Honestly though, I think it’s a whole bunch of different kinds of stress and he’s just focused in on the money right now. But I think it’s this move. I think he feels unprepared and I think he really hates that. Of course, I’m just piecing this together from what I know of him since it will probably take him another week or two to figure out what’s bothering him. Once we get right close to the move date.

He’s also majorly stressed out by work right now. He’s not looking forward to his training while he’s got so many things already on the go at the job. He just started a new initiative with his crew and he’s having to leave for 5 days. That frustrates him a lot. He’s also pretty concerned about leaving me here for 5 days alone with the kids, being that they have been a handful and a half lately.

Yesterday seemed like the longest day of my life and about an hour before The Boyfriend got home from work, I broke down in tears because I was so upset by them. They are all at such unmanageable ages when you stick them all together. I’ve got Carter, who is learning every bad habit his older siblings are teaching him, while at the same time just learning how to really talk. So, what we end up with is a full-of-attitude back talker. I don’t know how many times I’ll give him heck for something and he’ll sternly turn back to me and exclaim a solid, “No!”.

Kaeidyn and I are constantly clashing heads about everything. I woke up the other morning to her arguing with me about whether or not the nail polish she had found was actually hers or mine. Today, I had to give her a huge long lecture about respect and accountability. Try explaining that one to a stubborn 7-year-old… I walked away from that conversation with a headache and feeling like she hadn’t heard a single word that I said. And sometimes I wonder if she ever hears me or if she never will. My Mom had cursed me with my first-born being exactly like I was growing up, and if 7-year-old Kaeidyn is already like 13-year-old me, I am absolutely screwed!

Kenzie has been getting very rough lately, to the point where we’re almost worried about it. He doesn’t seem to notice at all how strong he is and it’s resulting in a lot of hurt people and broken house. From the window breaking, extreme rough housing and payback hitting. If Keirnan does something to him, that in anyway Kenzie doesn’t like, Keirnan will get a hard hit from his bigger brother. It’s mean and unnecessary and we’re just trying to figure out how to manage it. Today seemed to be a bit better, so we’ll just have to see what is going to go down.

Needless to say, we’re frustrated, stressed and exhausted and I don’t even think either of us have come to really realize it yet. I imagine that the 5 days that he’s gone are going to be an extreme test. All I can say is, there better not be any storms for those 5 days…


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Thoughts from the Last 72 Hours


Well, last night’s storm (the first real storm of the season) ended up being absolutely perfect for the first one of the year. It wasn’t so bad that I was freaking out all night about it (though I did stay up about 2 1/2 hours later than everyone else watching the storm) and I was able to keep myself and whichever kid happened to be woken up by the thunder, relatively calm. All in all, I was very impressed with myself.

The only urge that I had all night was to watch those clouds and make sure they didn’t turn into anything horrible. The Weather Network had been posting for a day or two that they were expecting this storm to come in and were getting everyone ready for tornado weather, so I had gone into this storm already paranoid. Luckily, after the first two really big cracks of thunder, the storm was relatively a small one. Lots of lightning, a couple of rumbles of thunder and tons of rain, but the wind wasn’t nearly as bad as they had called for.

Looking through the Weather Network today, it looks like a total of 4 tornadoes did touch down here in Alberta, but only in the south and no one was injured. Looking into the future around the site and their Summer Outlook, it looks like we’re not exactly in for the best season here. It sounds like it’s going to be a lot more of these storms and I can only hope that I deal with them as well as I did last night. We’re still under a severe thunderstorm watch, so we’ll see what happens!

It’s hard to believe that another school year is almost done. In September, we have another kid starting school, only one more to go after that. Kenzie goes to full days, which will be beautiful. Plus, he can walk with Kaeidyn, instead of having to walk with adults. Though, we’ll still be doing the half days with Keirnan…

I’ve been calling around for houses and landed myself a job interview for Monday. The houses part of that sentence is not going as well as one would hope at all. We went to apply for Community Housing, which I was stressing out about way more than was necessary, but because of the amount of kids we have and their guidelines regarding the number of bedrooms we need, they currently have nothing available. I have to call today to find out if their other assistance program will work for us. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep calling all these places that I know we won’t be able to get, for whatever reason. Today, a whole bunch of places a lot like the one I currently live in (but cheaper) came online, so I’ve already called about them.

I’m excited about my interview and cannot wait to go to it. It makes me nervous that it’s still 5 days away, but I figure it gives me more time to prepare. And if I go in there prepared, with the way my resume looks right now, I’m confident that I’ll walk out with something. If not a job, at least a sense of accomplishment (as opposed to failure). Until I get a job though, things are going to be so financially strapped it’s ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t that long ago that we had just gotten everything back on track and it seemed like it was all going to be great…

I need to go see a doctor eventually too. Especially if The Weather Network is right. First of all, I’ve been getting a lot of pain in my legs again. My knees seem to only really be bad at night, but my calves and ankles are always feeling like muscles are being stretched too hard or torn, when I’m not even doing anything. Then, I’ve been getting this horrible nagging pain right at the bottom of my rib cage, sort of where you would imagine the spleen, liver, pancreas, etc. I’ve had pain like this in the past, when I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, but instead of the nagging type of pain it was sudden and sharp. It landed me in the hospital for 4 days, plus every couple of months after that.

The doctor’s at the time had thought that it was a gallstone, but then when I was pregnant with Kenzie and was having the same problem, the doctor wanted to get an ultrasound of my liver, which I never went for. So now, I’m worried that it’s something I should be worried about. Especially being that it’s been happening for so long now. It’s been this dull and nagging constant pain in my upper stomach for over a month now. So it’s probably about time I get it checked.

I’m also seriously considering asking about getting some anti-anxiety meds for these storms. I was talking with The Boyfriend yesterday about my fears about it and the reasons why I am so hesitant to take them. It’s not that I haven’t taken anti-anxiety meds in the past, I have. I know what to expect going into it and that’s kind of the part that has me stressing the most. I just don’t want to be running into my bathroom at the first sight of every storm this summer. I want to be able to be calm in front of the kids, so that they stay calm, and I want to be able to keep myself calm so that if anything were to happen, I could be prepared for it, instead of frazzled and crying.

Well, that’s the things that have been on my mind over the past 48 – 72 hours. Have you been getting any storms where you live? What are your reactions to storms? Do you freak out or do you take them in stride? Are you able to sleep through them or are you like me, constantly checking on it? Leave your comments and let’s share our thoughts on storms!!


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Neglectful


So I haven’t been doing much blogging lately. To think of it, I haven’t been on my computer much lately. I have been being completely neglectful of a ton of my “responsibilities”. Blogging’s not getting done, cleaning hasn’t gotten done, I’ve basically been doing a whole lot of nothing.

I have to say that I’m not enjoying it one little bit. I keep trying to figure out why it’s happening so much lately, and I think I’m just losing steam. I have nothing to write about lately. Nothing exciting is happening in my life (bit of a lie…), and I haven’t been scouring the internet for anything interesting (because I haven’t really been doing much on my computer) and I’m just finding it overall too hard to get motivated to do anything.

Tomorrow is my last day of full-time maintenance coordinator and I hate to say it, but I couldn’t be happier. I officially only like that job when it’s full-time. The only good part of being full-time is that you’re there to deal with things when it happens, so when people mention things days later, it’s easier to remember what they’re talking about, instead of sitting there with a clueless and quizzical look on  your face.

It’s been interesting how much I’ve had to deal with this last week. From a huge poplar tree that got struck by lightning and now has structural damage (yes, apparently trees can have structural damage, not just houses…) and will cost over $5000 to take down, to a bunch of places that had flooding, thanks to our bad weather, that resulted in drywall having to be torn down and carpets completely removed, to ex-tenants calling in and yelling about how little they got back from their security deposits… It’s been crazy to say the least.

Home life has been decent outside of all the darn storms. Over the last weekend, we had one storm rip through here that had me so panicked that I went and actually hid out in the bathroom. I’ve been so worried about getting the kids too worried about storms, that I normally will just try to be chill and you only really know I’m scared because of my body language. But this one came on so fast, the clouds looked so vicious and then it started hailing in the most wicked way and I just couldn’t contain the fear any longer. So I grabbed my laptop and ran my ass downstairs and slowly The Boyfriend had them follow me and we sat and watched YouTube until the hail stopped.

My fear and these storms is just getting out of control now. The littlest of wind or rain or dark clouds, gets me all riled up. It’s to the point where I’m literally considering talking to my doctor about getting anti-anxiety meds just for the harsh panic attacks I’ve been having. I’ve never had such physical ones before. All my old panic attacks were mostly mental and the physical parts of it were mostly chest pains from my heart feeling like it was going to explode or collapse, depending on the trigger.

Whereas these panic attacks are an all over the body type of physical thing. It starts with this crampy feeling in my stomach. Almost like I’ve done a few too many crunches during a workout. Then I get really sweaty, like I’ve just drank three or four hot coffees, one right after the other. All my joints start hurting, and I start breathing really heavily. Then the pacing begins and by this point the storm is normally done and I get hit with a wicked headache that feels like I smoked WAY too much weed.

I think I probably would deal with all better if it wasn’t happening day after day after day. I just am getting to the point where it’s getting to be too much. Especially being that a lot of the storms keep hitting at night, right as I’m going to get into bed. So I end up staying up way later than I should and by the next morning, I’m so exhausted that getting out of bed in the morning is the worst part of my day…

I’m really lucky to have The Boyfriend though. He has been so great with my fears lately! The night that I decided to go down to the bathroom, he helped me get all the kids down there and came in and checked on me and then went and checked on the storm for me and then came in the bathroom to report. Last night was probably one of the best nights for comforting from here.

I’ve been feeling pretty guilty for how many late nights I’ve made him have lately. Between my super over-active sex drive and these stupid storms, four hours of sleep a night is about all he’s getting. And he’s been wonderful for both. Last night, as the storm raged, he let me rest my head on his chest (even though he doesn’t like sleeping on his back – probably only because I’ve made him aware of the snoring that occurs in that position. On his side, he doesn’t snore…), even though it was incredibly hot in our room, and every time the thunder would roll or crackle, he’d gently rub my upper arm. For the first time in forever, I was able to roll over and go to sleep even though it had begun to rain.

He’s no longer making a mocking face at me when I start to get worried and now automatically goes into gentle and caring boyfriend mode. The second he sees the “I’m worried” look across my face, he quickly grabs me for a hug. While it may not calm me much, it feels good in hindsight.

I’ve decided, I’m blaming the neglectfulness of the blog, on the storms…