So Not…

March 22, 2013 by Anyone 1 Comment

Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…