No More Crazy, Please?!?

This morning is not being good to me at all. If I thought yesterday was an emotionally rough day, I think today – no, I know today – is going to end up being even worse…

First, there is the fact that I got less than two hours of sleep. For some reason, the kids and I have been on high-alert about everything. Every little noise, any slight bit of movement, literally everything. We’re all sketching pretty hard, about what or why, I’m not 100% sure. Yes, we did have a break-in and yes, we’re all still feeling some of the affects of that, but sketching this hard… So, it took awhile for the kids to fall asleep because they were up and down over every thump from the neighbors or because The Boyfriend and I would get too quiet downstairs.

Once they were asleep though, I thought I’d fall asleep with ease. As The Boyfriend and I tucked ourselves into bed, I see lights flashing like crazy out the front window. So, I go over and look and there’s a cop car just down the street a little ways, just sitting there with his lights on. Don’t ask me why, but this made me incredibly nervous. Then, the cop starts acting real sketchy like – and not actually the cop, but the car he was driving. First, he’s stopped at one stop sign, then he does a U-turn and stops at the other stop sign, then he drives around the intersection and stops at another stop sign, each time sitting there for a good 5 or 10 minutes, lights blaring through the front window.

So, I spent a good long while nervous and frantically checking in on the sketchy cop and his lights. After the cop finally leaves and relief washes over me, the heater starts sounding differently. This is pretty common for me. It takes me awhile to get used to the heater at night, because it just sounds so much louder and more daunting when the house is quiet. During the day, we don’t notice it because there is just so much noise around here, but at night, there is nothing to drown the thing out. I tossed and turned forever freaking out about the heater.

Finally, my eyes won’t stay open any longer. I can’t fight sleep and my whole body can feel it. My ankle starts to hurt really bad and it takes me forever to get comfortable, especially being that I’m too worried to roll away from the door, so I stay uncomfortably facing it. The Boyfriend can feel me tossing and turning, even though he’s been sleeping for a couple hours. He rolls over and snuggles in close behind me. Again, I feel relief – for a moment.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, he sweats in his sleep, profusely. I’ve never witnessed anything like the sweat that pours from him during his sleep. And he doesn’t even notice. But as he cuddles into me, all I can feel is wet and cold and hot all at the same time and it’s not a good environment for sleep. How he sleeps is beyond me, because I don’t think I could if I were the one sweating like that. He says that the only thing he notices is that he gets really really cold when the blanket is taken off…

His alarm goes off, 6 AM, and I’m just starting to fall asleep. He gets up and I steal his pillow and make myself quite comfortable. As he’s waiting for his cab, I’m content and drift off. He leaves and I lock the door behind him and then fall right back to sleep with ease. Before I can even get to the point of a blissful deep sleep, a creepy and very light rat-a-tat-tat happens at my door. I ignore it, since I recognize the knock as my brother’s. But, it happens again and then a push on the locked door and then it happens again and again.

I was content to continue to ignore it until I deemed it an appropriate hour for him to be here. The kids, however, did not feel the same way. All three of the older kids come rushing down the stairs, “Someone’s at our door! Mommy, there’s someone at our door!“. I whisper to them that it’s just Uncle Goober and we’re just going to ignore him. As he pushes on the door again, all the kids jump and Kaeidyn begins crying, “Mommy, please just answer the door!”, scared out of her skull.

I go over to the door and yell through it, “You can’t be here right now, it’s too early. You’re scaring the kids and you need to go back to your house to sleep” and he starts yelling back at me – something my brother almost never does. I tell him he needs to leave my doorstep or I’m going to have to call the cops on him, so he leaves and we’re all prepared to go back to sleep. The kids all crawl into bed with me, we get ourselves all tucked in and comfy, when his voice is now at my front door mumbling away to himself. I go over to the door and open it and before he can even get a word in, tell him he needs to leave and he needs to leave now! Then, he starts yelling at me again as he’s slowly backing away from a very grumpy-in-the-morning Val… He starts saying how where he’s living now isn’t working out either and can’t he just sleep where he feels safe and all this crap, that I find out later isn’t even true.

For some reason, he goes completely stiff and then falls down into the snow and says that he’s going to sleep there. Not in the mood, I say to him that I’m calling the cops and close and lock the door behind me. He goes back to his house. I call my Mom, in tears because of all this lack of sleep and all this stress first thing in the morning and I’m yelling at her about the whole situation. She’s trying to calm me down and I’m just getting more and more upset about it. She calls around to find out from the house what’s going on with him and then she calls his work to find out what’s going on there and my brother is just bat-shit crazy right now and it’s to the point where our only option is to call the cops on him…

And, it feels freaking terrible!

By this point, the thought of sleep is the furthest thing from anyone’s mind. We’re all pissed off, we’re all upset, we’re all worried, we’re all stressed out and we’re all completely helpless… I don’t know how to help him through this at all. I don’t even think Freud would’ve been able to help him through this! I’m strongly of the opinion that he needs to be institutionalized until they find a cocktail of drugs that will work for him, will help him sleep, will help him stay in control of his thoughts. Like my Mom says every single time I try to tell her he doesn’t need drugs, he has done actual brain damage and it’s not something talk therapy is going to help.

I want so badly to be his big supportive and protective sister. I want so badly to take him in my arms and make him feel all better. I can’t imagine how it feels for my Mom… I just want him to not be crazy like this.

Feeling So I Don’t Know…

I woke up this morning, feeling pretty darn good. It was relatively easy to get up before noon (seems like it’s always easier when The Boyfriend is home from work), I spent the first few hours playing a new game that The Boyfriend got for the computer – Star Trek Online and let me say one thing, addictive!! After spending too many hours on it last night, the first thing I wanted to do today was play it again.

Then, after playing for a couple hours today, I got up and did some dishes and light cleaning, which made me feel really great. I’ve done a load of dishes every single day this week and I feel mighty good about it. I even discovered that I can have Grooveshark playing on my BlackBerry, so even had tunes playing out in the kitchen while the kids quietly sat and watched SpongeBob. It was wonderful.

Out of nowhere, I start feeling annoyed and frustrated. The kids are all being relatively decent. Sure, there’s always points of this kid being more frustrating at this time than any other, but for the most part, it was all manageable and fine. Kaeidyn and I started watching a movie together, the boys were doing their thing and yet, I just could not shake this annoyed and frustrated feeling.

I figured watching a couple movies would get me over it, but if anything, it seems like it’s just made it worse. The Boyfriend suggested I try the computer and see if that brightens my mood any, so, here we sit…

I can’t figure out, for the life of me, why I feel so frustrated and annoyed right now. I’m accomplishing tons, I’m really enjoying this time off from dealing with school stuff, The Boyfriend and I are starting to get interested in each other’s stuff again (we go in and out of enjoying one another’s hobbies), so we’re talking lots and generally having a lot of fun with each other. Money’s a little tight, but we expected that coming into January (like it goes every year), so it’s not like we’re stressing about anything at this point. And even with all those positive little factoids staring right at me, in type and everything, I just can’t stop these all-consuming feelings.

I start blogging everyday on the 1st. I’m incredibly excited about it and also a little nervous. Maybe that’s part of what’s got my goat, who knows. I’m mostly nervous about it because I’ve gotten more and more likely to stop writing a post right in the middle when I start thinking that it sucks and then never returning to it to make it better. My drafts folder is literally boggled down with posts that are 5 or 6 sentences long, that I just leave there…

But I miss feeling that creativity and inspiration that I feel when I write on a regular basis. When I had a paper and pen journal, I had no problem checking in on it multiple times a day with numerous little writings here and there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t care if it was only 6 sentences long and sucked, so maybe I’ll just adopt that for this challenge. We’ll see how it goes…

I’m also probably feeling a little bit stressed because of my brother, who is yet again, crazy. I mean, there’s really no other way to put it. He was doing so darn good, then this roommate moved in and now all hell has broken loose. My Mom has said she’s done, and I can’t blame her at all. But now that she’s gotten mad at him so many times (and he’s too scared to go over there, just like he’s too scared to go back to his own house), he just comes over here all the time. And even though Mom and I set up a different place for him to stay, with more people who he likes, he still insists on spending what seems like every second of his spare time here.

It’s tough because you can only ask so many times for him to stop talking to himself or so many times for him to stop leaving random crap that he finds all over the house, before you just start feeling an immense amount of anger. It just feels like he has absolutely no respect. And I know that’s not really what it’s like but sometimes it’s hard to forget about your feelings and feel compassion. But it’s also hard to feel any compassion towards a person when they could be doing something to get help (for a problem they are aware that they have nonetheless), and are downright refusing to do so. And I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t get help…

So, that’s where I’m at. Still feeling the same way I did before I started to right this. Hopefully cuddles with The Boyfriend tonight will help 😉

What I’m Listening To…

It seems like every single week, I’m listening to a new style of music. It starts with one band, and then some searching and then next thing you know, I’ve got an entirely huge playlist to listen to of a completely new genre. First of all, I’ve been incredibly obsessed with fun. a lot. I’ve been listening to it, trying to learn some stuff on keyboards and just becoming generally obsessed. I just love the sound of it and the voice and the harmonies and everything about the music, just really gets my blood flowing.

So, the other night, I did some looking for Similar Artists on last.fm and I found a lot that I had already known about and a few, which I’m most impressed with, that I had never heard of before. It’s resulted in the same type of music playing over and over again for days now. I just can’t get enough of this indie/pop-punk/folk-y type of music. I don’t even know what to call it.

Let’s go through some of the stuff that’s absolutely topping my list right now:

• Rivers and Roads
  The Head and The Heart
• All of the Drugs
  The Brobecks
• Lakes of Pontchartrain
  The Be Good Tanyas
• Girl U Want
  Freelance Whales
• Weeping Willow
  The Hush Sound
• One Foot
  fun.

And when I haven’t been listening to the indie/pop-punk/folk-y type of music, I’ve been listening to nothing but dubstep. I don’t know what it is about dubstep that has me so in love with it. Maybe it’s because it’s a type of music that you can’t help but feel in every bone and every muscle and even the tiniest of ligaments. Maybe it’s because no matter how quiet you have your stereo, the bass throbs beneath your seat. Maybe it’s any number of things.

The kids even like dubstep, which I’m always surprised by, especially Kaeidyn – who normally chooses whatever is popular with the other kids at school. Like Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepsen. But, I was smart and discovered a whole bunch of Transformers-esque songs, and now they’re all obsessed.

• My Name is Skrillex
  SkrillexThe kids absolutely love this song. They often replace the Skrillex with their own name or Optimus for Optimus Prime 😉
• Optimus Prime
  DaggaAgain, the kids love this one. They all scream “Transformers”, almost as soon as this song starts…
• For Sex
  Mt. EdenI don’t know if this is actually what any of these songs are called, but that’s what they are called on my Grooveshark playlist…
• Transformers (Skrillex Remix)
  SkrillexAnother one that the kids go nuts over. I swear they know it’s Skrillex too!
• Internet Connection
  Flux PavilionThis song just always gets me. The second it comes on, I swear my inner self wants to become a pop and locker desperately.

So, that’s some of the awesome stuff we’ve been listening to this last week or so. What’s been on your coming-into-the-New-Year, playlist?

What I Did… It Feels Like Nothing…

I’ve been hard at work online these last couple of days and I’ve felt inspired and creative and today, I just feel boggled down and overwhelmed. I’m sitting here, as I have been for the last hour and a half, continually starting things, getting halfway into it and then giving up. Then, spending the next few minutes beating myself up for giving up and then jumping in to something else to half start it…

I decided, kind of last minute like (which shows you the problem in the first place), to start a new and in my opinion, very cool new group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve done this before, in the form of NaBloPoMo, but didn’t feel like trying that again – so I started The Blog Everyday Challenge. Starting January 1, 2013, it is my mission to blog everyday for as long as I can. Ideally, I’d like to do it for an entire year!

So, of course, right then and there, I should’ve known I bit off more than I could chew, but… I guess, I never learn. So, a Facebook page was created for this group and a Google+ community and then… and then… I jumped over to my Zazzle shop and decided to start creating products for my store (which hasn’t undergone the big re-design that I have been planning forever and a day – which is why you’ve barely heard about it…), which resulted in the insanity that is about to ensue…

First, I decided I needed to create a new Tumblr account, because I was having such a hard time with the whole concept of having the two blogs under the same account. I was constantly posting stuff not intended for one on the other. But then I realized, I needed a new email address. I had stopped using so many of my old ones, to the point where I couldn’t even get into it anymore, so I’ve just been using the one. Mixing the personal life emails with the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous emails (mostly ones coming from stuff I’m doing and not anybody in the outside world…) and now the Blog-A-Holic Designs emails was becoming too much, so a new email was made.

It’s just been a slew of getting tons accomplished and getting absolutely nothing accomplished. Let’s take a look at what I’ve done in the last few days:

• Created a new group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous – The Blog Everyday Challenge
  This included:
  • Writing a mini FAQ
  • Designing a couple logos
  • Creating an event on the site
• Created a Facebook Fan Page and Google+ Community for The Blog Everyday Challenge
• Tweeting from two different accounts about The Blog Everyday Challenge and some of the products I had created on Blog-A-Holic Designs using the #BlogEveryday hashtag
• Created a new account on Pinterest for all my Zazzle-related favorite things (and also to promote Blog-A-Holic Designs a little bit)
• Added about 9 products on one day and about 14 or so the next day to Blog-A-Holic Designs. More to come soon…
  This included:
  

  I want this t-shirt so bad!!

  

  1 with @LBAnonymous and 1 with @blogaholicshop

• Updated the Blog-A-Holic Designs Facebook Fan Page
• Wrote the first and second post on the Blog-A-Holic Designs Blog
• Queued up more posts for the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr blog, including posts to promote The Blog Everyday Challenge and The Erotic Writers Group
• Drafted a post for Updates from the Head Blog-A-Holic about The Blog Everyday Challenge
• Created events on Facebook and Google+, for my first time ever, for The Blog Everyday Challenge
• Linked all my Google accounts (can you believe I have 3 now…?!?)

And doing all this stuff (which I’m sure I missed a few things, I just can’t think of them right now), has just made my to-do list even longer and even harder to accomplish. Thinking about all the things I still have left to do and all the plans that I still have in the works and I just feel like sitting back, kicking up my feet and saying, “Phew!”. Like, I just want to catch my breath for a second.

On one hand, I love this total and absolute addiction to this kind of stuff. I love this whole creating thing and I love when I get hit with these really inspired and motivated bursts online. When it seems like it’s all coming easily and it’s flowing from me with ease. But I also hate it, because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure.

Which I’ve been feeling like a lot lately. Like every single move I make is a move towards absolute and epic failure and I feel it weighing heavily on me. I’m sick of not completing things, of starting things without ever finishing them, of giving up entirely. I’m sick of being that person.

So tonight, I’m sitting here trying to get started on something I hope to finish and I feel like I’m stumped and hitting a brick wall. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed and just generally harumphed…

We Were Primal

It doesn’t happen often, especially now that we’ve been together this long, but sometimes the Boyfriend surprises me. First of all, I’ve been tracking my periods and our sexual activities with an app that I downloaded for my BlackBerry. Imagine my delight when I discovered that there have only been 3 days in the last 2 weeks where we didn’t have sex and on those days, I still orgasmed. That’s right. Orgasmed every day for two weeks 😉

Anyways, back to the surprise…

The Boyfriend spent most of yesterday and with a terrible headache. On one hand, we think he has a sinus infection and on the other, it looks like he got hit in the head – though neither of us can figure out when or why it would’ve happened. This headache has been an ongoing issue for him for quite sometime now. So I spent the day trying to nurse him better, cuddling lots and staying close to one another.

Carter was having a difficult time falling asleep last night and I thought for sure it was going to put a huge damper on all my hopes of sex, but The Boyfriend seemed almost determined. A little light bulb flashed on over my head. We put SpongeBob on for Carter and whipped out my BlackBerry for us to watch porn.

We picked a holiday-themed group sex video, one guy three girls, and had quite the long discussion about the stamina of these guys. “I couldn’t imagine having that much stimulation going on and not cumming over and over again, could you?”, to which he responded that he definitely didn’t think he could handle it. And while he may not be able to handle it, it obviously turned him on. We had only been watching for a few minutes and he was raging to go.

He was very into the oral sex happening between this guy and the three girls, which I was surprised by, because he normally doesn’t pay that much attention to it and definitely never mentions anything about it. But as the one girl stood over the man’s face and buried him in her pussy, The Boyfriend was all talk. “See, that’s how we should do it, that would be fun!”.

His hands were gently caressing my legs and every once and awhile, he would reach up and roughly handle my boobs – something that hasn’t happened in forever and a day. There were hands everywhere. His on me, in me, mine on him, around him. Then, he put his hand on my throat.

He was rough and gentle all at the same time and I kept whispering to him, “I don’t want to cum yet…”. He grabbed my throat and spread his fingers out, until his entire strong hand was covering my entire throat. He pushed down and slowly up, his fingers brushing across my chin softly, before grabbing my jaw an guiding my face to meet him in a passionate and frantic kiss.

Our holiday porn had ended and we decided to experiment with some hentai. I personally had never actually seen any. Pictures, yes. Video, no. It didn’t last long, mainly because we weren’t watching with the volume up, so couldn’t follow the apparently intense storyline. We’ll have to give it another try, another night. So, The Boyfriend suggested lesbian porn, as he always does.

This was by far our least favorite porn of the night. But there were a couple times that it opened up some sexy discussion between us. Mostly about my desires to be with a woman. Lots of “I want to do that!” coming from me. We even had a cheesy moment when I said, “You could watch, you just can’t touch. And even then, I’ve been fantasizing a lot lately about another girl sitting on your face while I ride your cock and her and I makeout.”, and while his cock jumped beneath my hand, he responded, “But you’re the only girl I want…”. Can I hear an AWWW!?!

We gave up on this particular porn after they just began repeating everything they had just done. For three girls, they weren’t very creative… Another lesbian porn was chosen, this one with some impact play. I couldn’t stay watching because it was making me too jealous. This girl gets her pussy cropped and I was almost in tears with jealousy. I just kept saying, “I want that, so bad!”. It was not long before he was keeping me distracted with cock.

He crawled on top of me. I was so beyond wet that penetration was simple and he easily went deep. I was frantically gasping, “You’re so big, so long!” and he whispered back, “Do you want more of me?”, as he pushed just a tiny bit deeper. I yelped, “There’s more?”, seriously thinking there was no way. Sure enough, he was able to get deeper and my hands clawed furiously at his back, through his hair.

By this point, every one of our inhibitions had completely disappeared. We were primal. I half-moaned, half-growled at him, “I want you to break my pussy with your huge cock!”. This whole concept, his huge cock and breaking my pussy, really got to us both and you could tell by the change in our demeanor. “Yeah, you want me to damage your pussy? Tell me you want me to smash your pussy with my monster cock!”. Breathlessly, I repeated his words as he pounded deep into me.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and forcefully pushed him off of me. “Suck my clit!”. Like a bee to honey, he hungrily devoured my pussy. I grabbed his hair and asked him if he enjoyed her sweet taste, and he moaned, sending vibrations throughout my body. I lifted my hips, inviting more and grabbed his head for rougher.

I got on top of him, playfully and slowly lowering myself until he was as deep as I could handle. My whole body was feeling the effects of how deeply and roughly he had already had me. He reached between my legs, and as I began bucking wildly, he worked my clit. I knew it wouldn’t take me long and as he asked if he could cum in my mouth, I erupted into a body-quaking orgasm. He said he couldn’t wait and instead of cumming in my mouth, filled my pussy with his warmth.

We both collapsed onto the bed, his head at one end, my head at the other, our legs and bodies still entwined. As his cock throbbed the last bit and began to go limp inside of me, I just had this feeling that if I didn’t cum again, I would be desperately craving him tomorrow.  I reached down and began playing with myself. At first, he tried to keep himself in me, but my pussy was not having any of that. As she pushed him out, he quickly replaced cock with fingers as I roughly worked my clit, now more than craving the second orgasm.

My whole body clenched as I soaked his hand in all of my juices. My nails dug into his legs and keeping quiet was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My muscles were on fire and I could not catch my breath. It was almost a better orgasm than the first!

By this time, it was nearing two in the morning and we were both exhausted. He rested his hand on my leg and fell asleep and I did the same. It was so good!

I Feel S**tty, Oh So S**tty…

Today, I am feeling like a shitty person. Just all around like every move I make is the wrong one. I woke up this morning with the kids to get them ready for school. I felt like I could’ve stayed up, but The Boyfriend was home and looked so comfy and warm that I crawled in next to him and proceeded to sleep half the day away…

Waking up by this point was easy, but my desire to do anything has been gone all day. I got none of the cleaning done that I had hoped to do today and I’ve felt overly stressed out for no apparent reason. Then, Kaeidyn and Kenzie came home from school.

Immediately, all the kids are out of control. It feels like every second someone is getting in trouble. After everyone’s fed, The Boyfriend and I finally get beyond annoyed with not being listened to and send Kenzie and Keirnan upstairs for an early bedtime. I am consumed with guilt because they’ve been so terrible that they are now missing their Christmas concert. They were warned that if they kept it up they wouldn’t be going…

Alas, I still feel like the worst mom in the world. Because really, I didn’t want to go in the first place and I’m halfway grateful that the boys were so rotten… It saves me from having to do something I was dreading and isn’t that just horrible?…

So now, I’m sitting here desperately trying to keep myself from thinking too much about anything because I just feel like everything I do is crappy… I suck and I hate thinking about that…

In other, completely unrelated news, I got the most interesting request today. A message on FetLife about my past erotica writing and this person that I’m chatting with asks if I would write a story with them in it. I had never even considered this as an option but now that it’s been presented to me, I’m incredibly intrigued and think I might give it a serious go. Should be interesting!

Well, back to keeping my mind occupied…

Craving Him

I don’t know why lately, but I have been beyond incredibly turned on. From nights long of sex-filled dreams, I wake up to my pussy soaking through the sheets. I spend the rest of the day with my whole being begging for sexually release.

The most annoying thing though, is no matter how many times I masturbated or how many times I cum, my pussy still feels swollen, still pulses frantically,  still dampens my pants.

I realized last night that I have not been “wild” in bed for some time. I’m normally very loud and known for getting primal with my bad self, but that kind of sex had begun waking little ones every single time we had it, so I went into trying to be quiet, which trust me, is never easy!

Last night, I had had enough of the silent and timid sex. Still wasn’t all out primal, but I wasn’t nearly as quiet as I have been. I had made it known almost as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work that I was raging and ready to go. He’s been having a tough couple of days at work, so sex is probably the last thing on his mind. I was most surprised that he was willing to do anything sexually.

Thankfully, we put on Star Trek and I asked if I could straddle him. I’ve gotten very in to being on top of him, facing his feet, while he’s laying and watching TV. He’ll rub the area where my legs meet my ass and it just makes me feel amazing. Apparently, he really wanted sex, as I feel him constantly trying to work his cock into me, even though I know it won’t work, I’m too low down.

After teasing both of us for awhile, I decide I should help him out, so I move up and slowly and playfully lower myself onto him. His hands grab onto my hips and forcefully shove me until I am sitting straight up on his cock. My pussy feels so wet and at first I couldn’t move because my pussy was pulsing so hard. I didn’t want to cum just as we started…

We carried on like this until the end of our episode, half having sex, half teasing each other. After our episode, I laid down beside him and moments later he was crawling on top of me and I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for that as I was last night.

My hands were immediately all over his body. I worked my way down to his ass and roughly grabbed on and pushed him deeper and deeper. I wrapped my legs up around his back, just below his shoulder blades, opening myself up for him. My legs were twitching and shaking involuntarily as I began whispering to him, “I love how thick your cock is, filling every inch of me. Your cock is so long, you can get so deep.”

My hands were everywhere and he was leaning in close to hear every word I was saying.  “I have been craving this all day. I can’t stop wanting your cock. The whole day you were at work, I kept dreaming about this exact moment. You are so good!”. There were many more sweet nothings delivered and I was shocked that he hadn’t cum during it, because he is so driven by dirty talk and sex noises in general.

I made my way on top of him now and he immediately nestled his face between my boobs. Mumbling into them, “Are you gonna cum on my cock?”. I let out a moan as I roughly ground myself on him, feeling his pubic bone hard on my clit. Sweat was dripping everywhere and I was shaking uncontrollably. While orgasm hadn’t happened for either of us, we had both been on the verge for so long…

My hands were frantically working my clit, his fingers were helping the most they could and nothing either of us was doing seemed to bring either of us over the edge. I dismounted him hoping he would tell me a different position he wanted me in, but instead we laid beside each other, my head at his feet, his head at mine. I wrapped my fingers hard around him and began gently working him up and down.

His thumb began circling my clit and my whole body was twitching beneath his skilled fingers. As my hand began working harder, he slid two fingers into me and forcefully penetrated my pussy. I pushed against him to feel him deeper, whispering under my breath, “More, more!” – he didn’t hear me.

He covered his face with his arm and was focused hard on his own orgasm. I was gripping his member so hard and kept telling him sweet nothings about his cock and how much I loved it, desired it, needed it. It took much longer than I had thought it would, but finally he was covering my leg with his warmth.

I’m sure he could feel the way my pussy responded to this as he continued penetrating me and I continued wishing he would add just one more finger. My hands now worked on my clit, one hand viciously pulling against everything to expose my clit hood and the other roughly circling my clit. I pushed harder and harder against his tiring hand until eventually (and finally, thank goodness) I was cumming hard, my entire body twisting and vibrating.

I had wanted him for so long…

Before She Cheats…

At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope…

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

Musing

I so desperately want to upload videos to my YouTube channel, like terribly badly, but I seriously suck at this piano thing. Every single time I play, in the moment, I’m like “Oh yeah, this is my jam!” and then I listen back to it and it just sounds like utter crap!!

I sat in front of my computer for the last 2 1/2 hours, rocking out with my Casio. And I sucked…

I want to put something on  YouTube for everyone and I just can’t bring myself to let anyone witness this crap. I even have a slight issue with The Boyfriend listening again, since I made him suffer the first time around…

And man oh man, how does he do it?!? I would be so annoyed by listening to all these songs slowed down and butchered and just tortured and beaten black and blue. I miss my freaking guitar!!!!!

See, the issue is that I’m too old to learn this stuff by myself now. And while I know that that’s a lie, if I really dedicated myself to it I could learn this freaking instrument, I just can’t bring myself to get any better. I’ve been practicing every once and awhile and every time I think I’m starting to get the hang of something, it just slaps me in the face every time I watch these videos.

I figured it wouldn’t sting so much if I waited a longer period in between when I played and when I watched the video, and it doesn’t. Simply, for an absolute matter of fact, I am just better with wind instruments like the bassoon and stringed instruments like the guitar and I’m pissed that I don’t have either of those things…

I miss my guitar…

P.S. If you didn’t know, the title to this post, “Musing” is an homage to my most beloved guitar, she was a beauty and the story behind her is a little romantic. You wanna hear it?

Okay, for those of you who stuck around.

The Boyfriend and I had been dating a few months when my birthday rolled around. He insisted that I get a babysitter on the day and told me we were going for a ride. He begins driving through the industrial area of town and I’m getting more and more confused as to where we’re going and why we’re in this part of town. He pulls up to a building and all I see is a sign about something to do with audio, that’s it.

As he pulls open the door, I am greeted by a wall of guitars. Electrics, acoustics, steel and my jaw drops. He puts his hand on my neck (like we did when we were out in public back then) and tells me, “Pick one” – total Cinderella moment. We spent hours there, me trying to find the perfect sound, him trying to act interested. When I picked up my Muse, I knew she was the one.

I can’t even remember what kind of guitar it was, except that it was an electric/acoustic. But she was beautiful and as soon as I got her home, I was writing songs. I wrote a good deal of songs on my Muse – of course, none of which I can remember. And then…

I did not take good enough care of her. If I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve created an untouchable shrine for her. Alas, I left her where the kids could touch her and slowly over time, she broke. It took me years to finally throw her in the garbage and I’m sure I cried the day that I did…

Porn and Fisting

So, last night… Last night…

It started as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work. I had been trying to watch a movie on Netflix all day and could not get everyone quiet enough to be able to hear it. Luckily, bedtime wasn’t far away and I was able to finish “After Porn Ends”.

For a long time, as some of you are probably aware, I’ve wanted to do porn. Since the very first time I watched porn. I’ve also recently been propositioned by two different people who would be interested in helping me at least put a portfolio together, again something I’m incredibly interested in.

I’ve told The Boyfriend about my interests from the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve been honest and open about every proposition since they started. So last night, after spending all day messaging back and forth, asking tons of questions with my photographer friend, I said to The Boyfriend, “I really want to do porn!”, to which he hastily responded something along the lines of, “You can’t!”.

I spent the rest of the night in the most terrible funk and I have this feeling that it’s going to last awhile. First of all, I hate that we don’t have a conversation about this. It’s one sentence from each of us and in those sentences, there isn’t any room for negotiation. I hate that we can’t even hypothetically discuss boundaries and limitations and just our feelings about it in general.

I also hate that all these things that he knew I was interested in having as part of my life from the very beginning of our relationship, are being completely neglected because he makes the decision that they should be. I came into this relationship saying that I wanted to be in porn, that I wanted kink as a real and physical part of my life,that I wanted to leave the vanilla existence behind. I laid it all out for him and I’ve been flat out denied it all.

It makes me feel all sorts of negative things about him, about me, about our relationship. It makes me feel hopeless and disappointed and terribly sad. This is not what I signed up for. I did not sign up for never getting a spanking again, I did not sign up for having someone else dictate what I can and cannot do with my body, I did not sign up for constantly having my desires denied…

Part of me wants to tell him, “It’s my body, my life, my choice and you can either support me and what I want or you cannot – in which case, we have some important discussions to have and decisions to make.”. But that’s not the way I want to deal with it. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum…

I want him to open up his mind a little bit and actually put more than two seconds of thought into these decisions. I want him to actually be curious about my interests before just shutting them down. I want him to think about how his automatic no’s are affecting me and more than that, our relationship. I want us to actually talk about it all.

I spent all night making it known that I was not impressed, that I was upset. We watched another movie about porn and throughout the movie, I would make snarky comments about my desire to do these pictures, but nothing more was said on his part.

After the movie, we got ready for bed and I was completely taken aback when his hand traveled to my leg and began gently caressing it. He grabbed my legs and pulled them open, frantically working his hand around the treasures that lie within. Even though I was heartbroken and upset, I was not about to turn down sex…

His cock was raging and within seconds, his hand was utterly drenched in all my wetness. Slowly, he added another finger and another finger, until he had his entire hand inside of me. I thought it was so weird, because just the night before we had been talking about fisting and how much neither of us was really interested in it and here we were, a night later doing exactly that…

It reminded me so much of our first time trying anal. He kept checking in, “Are you okay?”, and his whole demeanor was gentle, caring, and absolutely sexy. He knelt down and worked his hand more and it felt intense, but then he introduced his tongue in the mix. My pussy was completely stuffed full and now my clit was being sucked and nibbled on and my entire body was shaking. He looked up at me and in this totally hot voice asked, “Can I put my finger in your tight little asshole?”.

Honestly, at this point I probably would’ve said yes to anything. I was so close to orgasm as it was. I was so wet that he was able to easily work his way around and once the hand in my vag and the finger in my ass were situated, he dove down and nestled his face back between my legs. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so fast. One suck on my clit and I was there.

He disengaged, which was the oddest sensation in the world before coming up to meet me face-to-face. I was so worried that after having all five fingers in there that I would just feel like a gaping hole, so was beyond surprised when only a few thrusts in, he was cumming hard.

So apparently, we don’t have such a problem with fisting…