The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Miseria Cantare (The Beginning)

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I’ve always wanted someone to ask me how long I’ve been blogging for, because I’ve always been curious myself. I don’t know how long I’ve been blogging for to be completely sure. I know I wrote for a little while on a site called MyDiary, I think it was, though I couldn’t tell you what I wrote about or what name I used while writing it. I also made multiple websites using Angelfire that included blogs from as early as 2003 or something like that.

But my first dedicated effort at blogging, when I really began putting some weight behind an account, was in 2008. Using Opera and the pen name “Unpredictable Angel”, I began treading lightly through the blogosphere with my first post, Miseria Cantare (The Beginning). At the time, I was a 21-year-old mom of 3 and in a relationship with Alfie (the dad of my oldest three kids, in case you didn’t know) and it really was a disaster…

Kenzie, Mommy & Keirnan, Kaeidyn

This blog is definitely much more raw than what I write now and even what I wrote when I was doing The Rantings of a Tortured Mind (PG & XXX Rated Editions). I reveal a whole heck of a lot in a short period of time and reading through it am actually a little shocked. I mean, at the time, this was exactly what I needed and the entire reason why I started blogging. I was coming out of a major depressive episode (which had landed me in the mental institution more than once) and I was in way over my head on so many different levels that, to this day, I am shocked that I survived.

I can definitely see why this blog upset some people and can completely understand why I don’t blog like it anymore, although sometimes I miss how sincere these posts were. Like the one where I describe my first suicide attempt and the events and situations surrounding it. Or the one where I describe my second suicide attempt… Or the one where I go off about how hard it is for me as a mom to all the kids (and this is prior to the fourth and I totally need to read this the next time I feel like a crappy mom, because I sound downright bad here…). Or the post that is my first official go at a disclaimer!

In one post, I write a little fictional story or something – trust me, I have no idea what brought this about, but reading through it now, I’m totally vibing a particular section. Maybe, I’m Lola…

“But you underestimate the power of passion. When a girl is born from passion, and perfectly manifests passion, she can not hold back what has already been done. And unfortunately at times, passion has no boundaries and passion is bold. When passion manifests from one who was born from passion, at a young age a girl discovers who she is and what she wants, because she has the drive to do so, and so she does.”

 

Talking about soundtracks to people’s lives and how wishing life was more like TV, and in what I’m now going to call my finest hour, “It makes me sad that I’m one of those people, who just watches TV and wishes somehow my life could be like that. Just funny, or with background music.” and moments later in my not so finest hour, “…the sex is good, but I can live without it…”. Oh, how times have changed…

 

In another post, I go into great lengthy detail about how intense a bout of depression that I went through had gotten and how seriously it was affecting me. I discuss my worries about taking medication to help with the depression, which I ended up never going back on meds and for the most part have done pretty well without, though I have considered returning to medication especially around storm season. “The thing that I think a lot of people forget, is that it’s easy to be sane when you’re in a mental hospital.”

I also experienced the same problem with Alfie that I’m currently experiencing with The Boyfriend regarding munches and kink. Interestingly enough, in both situations the guys were into it prior to me having a baby, and then I pop one out and they all turn vanilla. Maybe it’s the oxytocin or something… That is something someone should study!

Kenzie (about 1 1/2)

Well, that was an interesting little trip down memory lane. There’s still more to read on there, but I figure I’ve shared a whole heck of a lot tonight. One of these days I’m going to go through my other blogs too and we’ll see what happens then 😉

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Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

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