So, yesterday apparently was a much more intense day than even I thought it was. In total, I started (and never finished) 5 different blog posts, varying in nature. To quote from the first:
“I am getting so sick of these kids and their inability to listen. I don’t know what it is, if they’re hearing me in a foreign language or something, but it’s getting exhausting now.”
This was written right after I had been woken up to the boys spilling ketchup all over the house. Okay, I exaggerate. Not spilling, more like drip-dropping it in a trail leading from the living room down the stairs. And it seemed to go on all day, this kind of behavior. Just not listening and being generally hard to deal with.
A few hours later, after the kids had officially gotten on the very last nerve I had available yesterday, I wrote:
“I’ve begun so many different posts over the last few days. And every single time, I get two or three sentences in and then I just give up. Partially, it’s because I feel like I’m sounding so differently bitchy and I hate that. Partially, it’s because I’m writing about the kids and I seriously don’t know how to write about it, without coming off sounding like a shitty mom. And frankly, I am so sick and tired of sounding like a shitty mom. Because I know I’m not. I’m not the worst mom out there and I’m not even the worst mom on my own street, but some days, you wake up and you just feel that way.”
By the time The Boyfriend got home yesterday, all I could think about was needing a break from the kids. I had to go pay rent yesterday, so I got to get out of the house for a little bit with my Mom and honestly, I was so thankful for that hour or so we spent out. I am just not doing very well with this stay-at-home thing this time. I remember a day when I used to enjoy it. Albeit, the kids were much younger then and I had less of them. But yesterday was also an exceptionally rough day with them.
At some point, I snapped at them and began, “Why can’t you guys just listen to me, just once? Why can’t we have one day where I don’t have to get mad at anyone? Why?!?”
I was absolutely surprised and taken aback, when one of them quickly responded, “Because we miss our Daddy!” I have a hard time with this statement all the time. Because I have so many mixed emotions that explode all at once. In the amount of time it takes them to blurt out this statement, I run the gamut of feelings, from anger and bitterness to sadness and something akin to regret. Regret, of course, isn’t exactly the right word, because I don’t believe in it, but something like it. So I never respond the way that I often imagine that I would, because you think about these things.
You think about how you’re going to explain your break-up to your kids, especially when they’re old enough to remember how badly it ended. And you think about how much you don’t want to say bad things about their other parent, even though you are still hurt and affected by it. So you spend time, roleplaying in your mind what conversations like these will look like with your kids. For me, it’s always Kaeidyn that I’m most worried about having these talks with. Not only does she have a superb memory, she also tends to get the most upset about the whole thing. The boys were really too young to get that Mommy and Daddy were breaking up, but Kaeidyn remembers it. And remembers the 4 1/2 horrible months after the break-up and most of all, has mixed feelings about the whole thing herself. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the talks with her and what I’m going to say.
But when they come up, all those scripts that I made up, fly right out the window. I forget what I was going to say to them, I forget that they have their own emotions regarding it, and it’s the one things the kids can say that can shut me up in an instant. And I hate it! It makes me sad that my kids have to go through it, and it makes me mad that I have to. And none of this would’ve happened if we didn’t start answering the phone when he called. But we did, so then he started calling every week. And every week, he tells the kids, “Next weekend, I’ll be down to visit”. And every week, guess who doesn’t come visit.
And I understand, I really do. I understand that he has a life, he doesn’t have a lot of money, he doesn’t have a lot of support, he needs to work. I get that. But at the same time, the rest of us have lives and the rest of us don’t have a lot of money and the rest of us need to work, and yet here we are EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the dirt with this stuff. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we’re going to be parents and it pisses me off that he gets to! And, moreso, that he gets to at the cost of my kids’ emotions. And after 4 years, at the cost of my own emotions. I hate that we broke up but I’m still stuck having to think about him. Not because I want to, but because I have to!
So, while the conversation with the kids didn’t go the way I wanted it to and I’m sure the very first sentence came out WAY meaner than was necessary, we did talk about it and I think today, they’re all doing a little bit better with it. Kaeidyn was most upset about him lying to her and she kept, “Why can’t he just tell us the truth?!” and all I could say to her is that I think that’s something she’ll have to ask her Dad. And honestly, I’m scared of that conversation between the two of them. I’m scared that he’ll keep lying to her, like he did with everybody else, and I’m going to have a brokenhearted 7-year-old on my hands, and I’m not going to know how to deal with it.
Well, that is definitely not what I started this blog post intending to write… But, I guess that’s what I needed to write about, so there it is.