The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+

Take the Helm

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I am quickly becoming more and more dissatisfied with my sex life, even though I am having more sex now than I have in years. We are back up to regularly having sex every 2-3 days, which is just perfect for us with the 4 kids and his job… And while the sex itself, has been nothing short of amazing, it’s absolutely not the sex that I want to be having. Our sexual interests right now are like splitting cells.

I’m going this way and he’s going that way and even though we somehow meet back in the middle during sex, afterwards I just feel like we’re going separate ways. I’m never going to get what I want, he’s never going to get what he wants and we’re both going to end up resenting each other for it.

Last night, after a nice and quick shower together, I decide I want to give him head. That part was wonderful. I was having fun playing and teasing, he was having fun trying to keep my hair out of my face, it was all good. Then, I ask what he wants and right away he jumps to anal. I automatically said no, and for the first time ever, instead of just taking my no as a serious no the first time, I had to say it two more times before it was dropped. And while it was very playful, it pissed me off.

Why can’t I get with guys that share my sexual interests? Why must I keep getting with guys who have an obsession with something that I don’t want to incorporate in my sex life – at least, not with me on the receiving end of it. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, patiently awaiting the moment when it might feel good. Which sometimes never happens. I tried it my required three times and decided it wasn’t for me, that I was never going to be the anal whore I once dreamed of. And I’m okay with that. But apparently it’s not good enough to have my vag and my mouth to fuck…

And I’m supposed to offer up my ass for anal, but I can’t even mention spankings? I can’t even get one…

So we finish with head. I guess he figured since we weren’t having anal and I wasn’t actively pursuing sex, that that’s how I wanted him to cum. So instead of letting me continue on with my playing and teasing, he grabs my head and now the game is really on. I can tell the second he’s getting ready to cum, because of the way that he grabs my head. It never bothers me, I actually find it to be incredibly sexy. I’ve always liked that he will guide me directly the way he wants me during sexual activity – always in control.

As usual, after the orgasm is done, we discuss what we liked and didn’t like. We try to communicate as much as possible, so that every sex session just keeps getting better. So last night, he said something along the lines of… “Once I’m ready to cum, I kind of take the helm”, and I quickly interjected, “Yeah, what’s with that? Why can’t you ever just let me make you cum, without you working for it too?” and all he did was cover his lips with a finger and shushed me.

I kept replaying all the times he’s said to me, “One day, I’m going to have to see if you can make me cum like that”, often referring to the muscle clenching that I tend to do a lot of during sex, without meaning to more often than not. But there’s been numerous times that he’s said it, for a variety of the ways that I have sex. But he never lets me do the work of actually bringing him to orgasm. Once he reaches that point, he takes over and I normally let him because it feels good. But the shushing, the lack of willingness to talk about whatever reasons might be behind this, just made me really uncomfortable. I expressed this to him. Not to the degree that I was feeling it, but I didn’t want to completely ruin a totally great head session with my emotional drama…

I made it known that I was not happy with the shushing or the lack of communication about this new discovery. I had, up to this point, figured that it was probably some bodily reaction that he couldn’t exactly help. I know personally, when I’m about to cum, I’ll hold my breath. And it’s not something I have control over, it’s just what happens. So I had figured that that was just the way his body responded to a close orgasm. But this “take the helm” comment, means that it’s not some involuntary reaction of his body but instead a thought-out action. An action with some sort of reasoning behind it.

The worst part of it though, is that I was upset by the way the night had turned out. I was slightly mad by the suggestion of anal, I was slightly upset by the lack of communication, I was saddened by the discovery itself. So even though, I don’t completely understand why I said no to it all, I didn’t want to cuddle, I didn’t want to kiss, I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep. But I hate when I make it known that I’m upset about something, and I act like I’m upset about it, and instead of being comforting and trying to really discover what’s wrong, he just gives into me.

So instead of trying to cuddle with me last night, instead of trying for kisses, he just rolled over his own way and went to sleep. Instead of being even slightly interested in the chance of me having an orgasm, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I’m sick of being punished in this way, when I’ve done nothing wrong. This “ignore-her-until-she-gets-over-it” kind of way… It makes it seem like my thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. Even when I do go on full out ragers about my stupid emotions, I speak to a brick wall of silence.

I just feel like I’m giving a lot of myself and not getting much back in return sometimes…

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of six ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the creator of WTMFI Wednesdays, a weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality.

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